Author katielee Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 he is doing work - we go to MC, IC and he was very thoughtful and introspective when he wrote me that lengthy WHY letter. But it may be too late, if I can't get rid of my resentment. The work should have been done earlier - and there were many many stumbling blocks AFTER his affairs with a NC break I found out about on the cell phone bill, he refused to sell the affair car and awful things said to me about being raped. It took him a long time to get it - very angry he was. My gosh when I look back at those days I can't believe how far we've come. And how much I've actually forgiven already. And he has too! Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 but TG you're saying that if he accepts, forgives what I did I have to give him that option as well. My point is that what may be a dealbreaker for one may not be for the other. Although I understand about being in limbo, making a decision, moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Why are you afraid to let go of it? What would that mean to you? Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 No. What I am saying is, if you want a good marriage, those things have to stop. I don't believe that your M can continue on with what is currently happening. I don't forsee it making it another 20 years like this. Something will have to give. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 Why are you afraid to let go of it? What would that mean to you? It would mean that I'm ok with people trampling all over me. That I'm ok being married to someone who's actions caused me PTSD. I'm not ok with this. Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Do you really think he is ok with what he did to you? If you believe that, then you should not be married to him. And he isn't everyone, letting go of this is just one person, not everyone. Ask yourself if you believe that he really thinks it was ok to do this to you? I am sorry, I know this is painful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 no, he doesn't think it was ok. I feel like my actions have to reflect that it wasn't ok. that may be wrong thinking, I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 no, he doesn't think it was ok. I feel like my actions have to reflect that it wasn't ok. that may be wrong thinking, I don't know. Haven't your actions already reflected that? Is this about him being willing to pay a steeper price than he already has? Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 no, he doesn't think it was ok. I feel like my actions have to reflect that it wasn't ok. that may be wrong thinking, I don't know. So you worry that if you do not keep the focus on his affairs that he will forget that they were bad? Or does holding on give you a sense of having the upper hand and the high ground? Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Do you think he would have done what he did if you hadn't done what you did and if so why are you not willing to move forward? Twosadthings Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 Neither of these, i Wish I had been the only one to screw up. I have no desire for any moral high ground. There isn't any, in this scenario. It's just that it seems unforgivable to me...,and ppl think that if he forgave me I should forgive him. And he didn't forgive me, he acted out angrily. I'll never know if he would have done this or not ...probably not. So what you're all saying is that if I did it I should expect it in return Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 If the marriage is ever to be a full marriage again, you'll at some point need to put those events in history. No, the acts were not ok. But is a history of those acts ok, if he is truly changed and a good husband now? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Neither of these, i Wish I had been the only one to screw up. I have no desire for any moral high ground. There isn't any, in this scenario. It's just that it seems unforgivable to me...,and ppl think that if he forgave me I should forgive him. And he didn't forgive me, he acted out angrily. I'll never know if he would have done this or not ...probably not. So what you're all saying is that if I did it I should expect it in return You were hurt, and cheated. He was hurt, and cheated. You were hurt by his cheating, but having the benefit of hindsight and regret from your previous affair, didn't cheat. It isn't a matter of deserving. It's a matter of living and learning. You both needed to learn that lesson (the cheating lesson) on your own. Has he forgiven you now? Has he learned the cheating lesson? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 If your M is to be good again, then yes, I do feel that forgiveness and letting go of resentment has to take place. These kinds of things can't sit between two people and the relationship be good. It creates distance. Letting go of this doesn't me that he will forget. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 Has he forgiven you now? Has he learned the cheating lesson? I think he's learned the cheating lesson. has he forgiven me - I don't think so. He left angrily this morning and when he got home he told me he was very angry today.He was glad he was very busy at work today. I kissed him and held him and apologized. He didn't want to talk too much. so four years later from my affair, I want more for him - I want him to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 that forgiveness and letting go of resentment has to take place. if I cant' do this am I a bad person if I leave? Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 No. When A's take place in a marriage, it can end in D. It is just the way it is. A's are often deal breakers. It doesn't make you a bad person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 So what you're all saying is that if I did it I should expect it in return No one has ever said this. I understand why you are choosing to hear that, but no one has ever said that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 No one has ever said this. I understand why you are choosing to hear that, but no one has ever said that. people are implying that you used the same coping mechanism, why are you so angry and can't understand that he used that coping mechanism too? He knew what that pain felt like. It's just very hard for me to understand and have empathy for (this is what forgiveness means to me) him to know what it felt like, do it himself, but mostly choose to do it yet again. He musta been in a deep hole of pain to do that. I think one of the issues is that although he kinda sees what he did as degrading himself, it's more of a uncontrollable reaction to my action. And that makes me feel....unsafe. Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 And this is why you are hanging onto the resentment and holding back. As long as there is distance, you feel a measure of safety. And yet, that distance doesn't make you happy because you know that your marriage is not all that it could be. And you are right. So at some point you have to make the decision to put it down and go all in. Your safety rests in your hands, not his. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 although he kinda sees what he did as degrading himself, it's more of a uncontrollable reaction to my action. . But TG, you are a MH who had the subsequent affair and you don't think like this. Hasn't that made recovery easier for both of you? But you are saying this is all he can do, accept it without resentment or move on. Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 What I did, was brought on by many things. I think the main difference between myself and your H is that it is the one thing I swore I would never do. It shattered me. I had to find the reason, the thing that allowed that to happen. And I am still working on that. Your H may not have ever had that thing in him. And he may not see it as being that bad because no sex happened. There are many people that are like that. Because we have been on infidelity boards, we understand that sex doesn't have to happen for the betrayal to be just as bad. I don't know that your H completely grasps this. He knows that he has hurt you badly, he just doesn't totally get the why of it. Do I think that recovering my M is a bit different than yours? Probably. I have a H that completely grasps this. What I am trying to get you to see is that the M you seek will not happen until you put down this thing you are holding onto. No one is going to force you to do that. But your M will never be what you want until that happens. It will always be a meh marriage. And I don't believe either of you will be happy. One of you may end up leaving eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 He musta been in a deep hole of pain to do that. . Heck, yeah! I don't know your backstory, so I'm not familiar with your reasons for having an affair. But yeah, I can understand how his depth of pain could lead to some really poor decision making. And cheating "makes sense", since that was the issue he was wallowing in. How many times a day did the topic of cheating cross his mind? Probably uncountable. Why? Because you cheated. That doesn't make it right. And it doesn't mean you should accept it. But yeah, it's pretty easy for me to understand his pained direction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 xo - even if part of that pain was caused by the shame of his own cheating? I don't understand some of this - he could have beat me and I still would have no right to cheat on him. People would understand my pain? Maybe, doesn't matter. cheating is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 xo - even if part of that pain was caused by the shame of his own cheating? I don't understand some of this - he could have beat me and I still would have no right to cheat on him. People would understand my pain? Maybe, doesn't matter. cheating is wrong. Yes, even if his cheating caused him pain. It was a mistake, but it's not difficult for me to understand how he came to the point of making that mistake. It's wrong. But you seem to be stuck on "how could he do that?"--and I don't get it. It seems you should know first hand how a person could do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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