good enough marriage?

[xxoo]

Oh we are in MC.

I may want to move because both OW live here but he doesn't want to. MC said someone will have to be the bigger person and not have resentment if we stay or go. What im going to ask in MC, why do I have to be the bigger person, I didn't do anything wrong, regarding this trigger at least.

Hubby says hasn't there been enough suffering on both sides?

Yes, yes there has...

 

You don't have to. You can choose to, or not. He can't force you to stay there, married to him, any more than you can force him to move with you.

 

Why do you see this as you being forced to do something?

[katielee]

I don't felt like I'm being forced. I feel like it's the staying married or not decision, and that's a big one...,

[Clay]

I think I would move to. If he is not willing to even consider it this might be a red flag you need to pay attention to. Sadly there might just be to much damage on both sides to save your relationship. Its really up to you both. I was not successful in R with my xW.

 

Clay

[xxoo]

I think you're asking the wrong questions. You're asking why he won't do x, and why you should have to do y.

 

Instead, ask yourself why you are staying.

 

He says there's been enough suffering, as if the suffering is over. You are suffering on a continuing basis. You are trying to stop your suffering, not impose more.

 

Ask him this: If you move, will he go with you? Or would he stay? Because that is his answer to the marriage question.

 

Then ask yourself: Will I stay here with him? Or will I move on?

[katielee]

I think you're asking the wrong questions. You're asking why he won't do x, and why you should have to do y.

 

Instead, ask yourself why you are staying.

 

He says there's been enough suffering, as if the suffering is over. You are suffering on a continuing basis. You are trying to stop your suffering, not impose more.

 

Ask him this: If you move, will he go with you? Or would he stay? Because that is his answer to the marriage question.

 

Then ask yourself: Will I stay here with him? Or will I move on?

 

He would go with me, we've discussed it, but resent giving up his good job, close to retirement. I suffer when I see them. But that is about 20 times a year. Is that enough to move away from kids, family, jobs, etc. I'm trying to determine that.

 

Has there been too much pain - without question. Just trying to enjoy each other and see if we can make it past this.

 

But my original question - with the betrayal, and I can only speak for myself , seeing him with her in real life, well, the marriage will always be tainted because of that, so good enough isn't enough. It needs to be great in order to stay. And great can only be if it never happened. If that makes sense.

[xxoo]

It needs to be great in order to stay. And great can only be if it never happened. If that makes sense.

 

That makes perfect sense to me.

 

Time is a factor. I wouldn't expect any marriage to be great soon after an affair. But your marriage has been struggling with affair related pain or y-e-a-r-s. I understand that his affairs were more recent, but it's all related. It's years of pain. At some point, someone needs to pull the plug.

 

I bet the recovery from divorce would be shorter than the years you two have spent trying to recover from infidelity.

[tired girl]

Why don't you try a S and see if you start feeling better? You have been in limbo a long time. Try making a step in one direction.

[Mr. Lucky]

my 2nd dday was almost two years ago, 1st one was with three months before that with another woman.

 

I had had an A two years before that and we were reasonably happy before that.

I'm a realist in that I see actions as a manifestation of true feelings. Love isn't felt, it's demonstrated.

 

And with (between you) 3 affairs in your history, there's clear indications that marital "greatness" won't be easily achieved. I can't help but wonder if both of you are willing to do the work required ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[katielee]

Mr Lucky, we go to IC and MC. I read, we talk. What kinds of work do we need?

[Mr. Lucky]

That sounds like going through the motions. I'm talking about the personal work involved in committing to your marriage - avoiding temptation, putting the other person first, etc.

 

3 affairs would indicate that, at some basic level, you've both decided it isn't worth it. What would change that equation now?

 

Mr. Lucky

[katielee]

I think we are both committed now. Trust is at an all time high after two years but happiness is not. We do put each other first. I think our boundaries are firmly in place.. now.

 

We talked in depth about his reasons for his affairs - how he was so hurt and traumatized from what I did he didn't know what he was doing - that he was crazy. How he needed validation and attention, he didn't know if I wanted to be in the marriage or if he wanted to be in the marriage. After I caught him a second time, he realized he had a big problem...

 

I also said I realized he had a big problem and that's why I didn't divorce him. There have been bumps for sure since then, but I think he got it out of his system and wants to be married and in love with me.

 

not sure why he didn't realize he had a big problem after the first time I caught him but... and I'm not sure how I feel because I think it's blameshifting. Its hard for me to wrap my head around without feeling tremendous guilt for causing all this. And I'm sitting here having been traumatized myself but I do know right from wrong and that I have no right to act out.

 

He said he's man enough to face the consequences which means not going out, me not trusting him, etc. Wonder if he understands one consequence is me not being in his life.

 

I still have this feeling he doesn't get it. But that is all he can muster, and that was pretty introspective. For him.

[dichotomy]

I think we are both committed now. Trust is at an all time high after two years but happiness is not. We do put each other first. I think our boundaries are firmly in place.. now.

 

 

Anyone else kinda “meh” about their marriage. If you ask yourself if you are better off staying married is this good enough marriage enough for you?

 

There are more positive things to me staying married and just one big negative thing. I think that a lot of marriages are like this, from what I read and hear. It makes me sad.

 

I read this on another site, a quote from the movie Love Actually: “Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?”

 

I am going to avoid discussing your/his affairs - and answer your question more generically (like if there was not affairs)

 

The thoughts and feelings you post - sound fairly normal for many marriages at times. I have many friends and family members married for 30+ years, with no affairs - and they have expressed similar feelings (you list above) at times - years in fact. Understanding this - perhaps you might not be so sad about it. Marriage is not supposed to make you happy - it suppose to make you married - putting each other first and trusting each other is a good place to be... and one I am sure many would like to be at.

Edited February 18, 2014 by dichotomy

[tired girl]

Hi,

 

I just read what you wrote somewhere else and I have a question for you, what does hanging on to your resentment do for you? What kind of payoff does it give you?

[katielee]

I think I could let go of that resentment pretty easily if he knew about it and we could talk about it. I will bring it up at MC next time.

 

The resentment tells me that something is wrong. Something doesn't sit right with me. And that something is pissed offness that he didn't work as hard as me or look at what happened in the face. And that if I can't get past this thing that I should leave - but that I have a right to feel this resentment as it's the major thing I'm mad about - not the affairs - the not facing stuff.

 

And he should leave me if he can't get past his resentment.

[tired girl]

Do you feel that he didn't work as hard as you because he didn't do it the same as you?

 

Why do you feel that he has resentment? Has he said that he does?

 

 

Resentment is the thing that adds distance, keeps us separate from others. It is the thing that is standing in the way of your M right now from being what you want it to be.

 

I understand this because I have been doing it as well, for a different reason.

 

Once you know your reason for holding onto the resentment, you have to figure out if it is worth it to you. If the resentment is more important than the M, then maybe the M is done.

Edited February 18, 2014 by tired girl

[katielee]

Do you feel that he didn't work as hard as you because he didn't do it the same as you?

I didn't have two affairs after i became a bs. he did. not enough work done. he didn't do it the same as me because it was too painful to look at. although i did have the experience of being a wayward and so I could look at it with different eyes.

Why do you feel that he has resentment? Has he said that he does? yes, he told me this in the letter, said he still does now because of him doing everything for the family and then didn't have friends when he needed support when i had an affair.

 

 

Resentment is the thing that adds distance, keeps us separate from others. It is the thing that is standing in the way of your M right now from being what you want it to be.

 

I understand this because I have been doing it as well, for a different reason.

 

Once you know your reason for holding onto the resentment, you have to figure out if it is worth it to you. If the resentment is more important than the M, then maybe the M is done.

like I said it would go a long way for me to explain this to him.. as in saying "this is my current struggle." Also knowing that what might be a dealbreaker for me may not be for him and vice versa.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think we are both committed now. Trust is at an all time high after two years but happiness is not. We do put each other first. I think our boundaries are firmly in place.. now.

It's always interesting to me when people write such contradictory statements. Commitment in place, trust all-time high, healthy boundaries exist and respect/consideration is demonstrated - all positive, desirable things.

 

But happiness is missing?

 

Mr. Lucky

[tired girl]

I hesitate to respond to you because you seem to be getting upset.

 

Is it possible to look at it this way? You both dealt with pain in the M by becoming waywards? You are standing back and judging him for not dealing with his BS status the same way that you did, yet you deal with pain in your M by going out and becoming a wayward. Same coping mechanism. You really are no different than him. You cannot hold yourself apart from him. Do you feel that he maybe ever feels judged by you? That you feel that you dealt with things better than him?

 

I think it is really good that he did what he did for you on Sun. It shows progress. Real progress on his part.

[katielee]

It's always interesting to me when people write such contradictory statements. Commitment in place, trust all-time high, healthy boundaries exist and respect/consideration is demonstrated - all positive, desirable things.

 

But happiness is missing?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

which was the entire reason for this thread. although from what TG and I are discussing, there is lingering resentment on both sides.

[katielee]

Is it possible to look at it this way? You both dealt with pain in the M by becoming waywards? You are standing back and judging him for not dealing with his BS status the same way that you did, yet you deal with pain in your M by going out and becoming a wayward. Same coping mechanism. You really are no different than him. You cannot hold yourself apart from him. Do you feel that he maybe ever feels judged by you? That you feel that you dealt with things better than him?

.

 

I could if he did it once.

[tired girl]

It would seem that second time is the deal breaker for you. It comes up over and over again.

 

I understand this, as you know what HL did.

 

But at some point you either move forward or you don't.

 

I have held onto my resentment because it kept me safe. I am not doing that any longer. It is time to move forward in this relationship.

 

Looking back keeps us in the past, and prevents our future.

[xxoo]

I could if he did it once.

 

Why?

 

Do you think there are ways that he might consider the way you cheated "worse" than the way he cheated?

[katielee]

Why?

 

Do you think there are ways that he might consider the way you cheated "worse" than the way he cheated?

 

probably.

 

And he should leave if he can't get past it and I would totally understand.

 

It's what the other can incorporate, forgive, etc into their life. Our decision doesn't have to be the same.

[xxoo]

What work do you expect from him that he isn't doing?

[tired girl]

And he should leave if he can't get past it

 

But in a way you are doing the same thing. He may be sitting back thinking you are worse because you had sex and he didn't, and you are sitting back thinking he is worse because he had two EA's and you only had one PA. And you guys just sit here. In limbo.

 

At some point the finger pointing about who is worse, and who did what has to stop. I always talked about that in the MH forum. And I honestly believe that it is why HL and I have moved as far along as we have. We do not compare or point fingers.

 

You can hold onto this as long as you want, don't get me wrong. But it will sit between you two, and your marriage will never be what you want.