Author katielee Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 I'm stuck on the "how could he do this twice." Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 The same way he could do it once. Actually the second time is easier. If I understood you correctly from what you said, you only slept with the guy once and then cut off the A right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 The same way he could do it once. Actually the second time is easier. If I understood you correctly from what you said, you only slept with the guy once and then cut off the A right? yes. 10 characters. Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 ok. So HL is a little like you. I went back a second time. And it is that second time that HL has a hard time with. He knows that I hated the sex the first time, didn't want to be there. So why the second time? Why? Because I had nothing left to loose. I had already thrown my self esteem away, I had thrown my marriage away, what did it matter? I was as low as I could go. It didn't matter to me if someone used me. If your husband felt at all like this, a second time is easier and worse than the first, because there is nothing left of your soul. It had zero to do with you. He wasn't even thinking about your pain at that point. He was to busy thrashing around in his own. You can continue to hold this against him, or you can start to have some empathy for what he was going through. The second time for HL has been hard, but he understands that I literally was a broken person that day who didn't care anything for what happened to me. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 It's going to come down to a choice of pride vs relationship. And if you choose pride, there is no reason to expect your marriage to get any better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) I'm certainly not going to apologize or defend for having pride. I mean, what the hey, there has to be a line somewhere.... But TG: what if HL had found out on his own between your encounters and you saw his pain but went back again. What would he have done? Edited February 20, 2014 by katielee Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 I had already told him between the first and the second time. My belief was that my marriage was over. It wasn't until after the second time that he contacted me and started talking to me that he might be open to R. But I did already know that I had hurt him deeply. My pain at that point inside of me was deeper than what was happening inside of my M. You can hang onto your pride. But what is it doing for you? Is it benefiting you? No one is saying don't have a line, but if this is your line, then it was the deal breaker and you need to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 My pride (or whatever ) is telling me I'm worth more than I've been treated. He is worth more than how he's been treated as well. He should leave if he can't resolve this. Neither of us deserve the resentment from each other. It was a dealbreaker for both of us, probably. But for some reason we want to stay together Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 How about the way you are treated now. Are you being treated the way you deserve? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 I'm stuck on the "how could he do this twice." He hadn't yet learned the lesson. Has he learned it now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 I'm treated very well, after sbout a year of mistreatnent. I would act differently than him if he wanted to move if I had two APs here... That is the other isssue we deal with..... Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 But you have said yourself that you don't really want to move. So that is an issue that you probably need to let go of as well and quit holding over his head. So you believe that your H is holding onto things the same way that you are? Have you asked him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 But you have said yourself that you don't really want to move. So that is an issue that you probably need to let go of as well and quit holding over his head. So you believe that your H is holding onto things the same way that you are? Have you asked him? what I'm saying as that as a former wayward, I would do this with no resentment if that would help my husband. If he professed ambivilence about moving I would say, ok, but if you need to, I'm ready. Yes a few pages in this thread back he told me in the letter he wrote that he resented that he did everything for the family and therefore didn't have many friends for support when I confessed. Kind of like an additional back stab. And he had a very angry day yesterday? but didn't want to talk about it. He just said he resents some of the things that have happened. xoxo: has he learned the lesson? I think yes. Have I? yes, but you can see we are stuck in the past. Trust isn't a huge issue for us. Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 So how does that make you feel knowing that he is holding onto things as well? Holding things against you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 So how does that make you feel knowing that he is holding onto things as well? Holding things against you? I understand. I get it. This is a lengthy process. Both of us have let go of a lot of stuff but not all of it. I don't believe he treats me as though he holds it against me. Nor do I. We treat each other very lovingly, but with a quiet "I wish those things hadn't happened" kind of undertone. Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 What kind of marriage do you want with him then? Do you feel that you can have that while you both are hanging onto these things? Your right that this stuff takes time to work through, especially as a MH. At some point you have to be willing to look at certain things and just know that it happened without understanding all of it. I don't totally understand how HL could engage in another EA during R with me knowing that I had told him that if he had another that would be it. He had the knowledge in his head, but not his heart. That is all I can go by. And I have to let it go. And be with the man he is now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 After four years, is he likely to ever resolve that resentment? I can't push that issue, it's his right to own that resentment. I think you're way more forgiving than me. Ha! That's ok, we are who we are, but we do have to live our truth... Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 I don't think I am more forgiving. I have no trust. But I have come to understand that that issue is about me, not him. HL still has some issues at four years out, but we are working them together. What we try to work on is having empathy for the other person. Try having empathy for your H's pain. If you can put yourself in his place, you may find yourself able to put some of this down a bit, and he may be able to as well. Empathy goes a long way towards healing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 I don't think I am more forgiving. I have no trust. But I have come to understand that that issue is about me, not him. HL still has some issues at four years out, but we are working them together. What we try to work on is having empathy for the other person. Try having empathy for your H's pain. If you can put yourself in his place, you may find yourself able to put some of this down a bit, and he may be able to as well. Empathy goes a long way towards healing. I can so do this for the first one. he was completely blindsided... I'm going to have to work very hard on the second one. Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Well, that is all he can ask for then. Link to post Share on other sites
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