Author lonely_lady Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 He's honestly not a bad father, he's just a ****ty partner. He loves his kids, and goes out of his way for them. He's always there for them, and does spend time with them, the biological child is 4 and no the kids have no desire to leave him. Our kids don't even know we have problems because we never fight in front of them. Our kids think we are a big happy family and that is because him and I have agreed to not let our kids know/ see when we are having problems, because our parents did this to us. I mean outside of our kids we don't talk, or spend time together. If it were not for our kids we wouldn't be married anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonely_lady Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 Please make note that the abusive behavior is only towards me not the children, if the oldest child were my biological child I would have already left him and haven him joint custody, because he's actually a really good parent. He reads to his kids every night, takes our daughter to school 3 times a week, and prays with them every night before he leaves for work. He colors with them etc. overall he's a good father I can't knock him there, and I understand why his father was in prison all of his childhood, so he has always said he wanted to be a good father. Link to post Share on other sites
thinkingofhim Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 1. If he's a good father why the concern over him having custody? 2. If he works third shift, he's not going to be able to get daycare to watch her overnight. There's probably a good chance that he will let you have partial custody of her, simply because it would make his life easier. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 As the poster above said, once push comes to shove I doubt he'd give up the free babysitting just to spite you. Don't let fear dictate your choices. To me all your posts sound like you're just venting. It's unfortunate that your history of being abused as a child makes you accept the same treatment as an adult. I dont think you have seriously considered leaving. The sad thing is you are perpetuating the cycle for these kids by staying with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonely_lady Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 We have separated before and he leaves her with his mom at night, and that is his plan again. Yes, I have considered leaving him and have done it before. Everytime I leave he doesn't let me see her, and he makes sure I have no way of seeing her. His mom is a good rat instigator so she doesn't answer my calls or let me see her either. And when I do get a hold of someone in his family they say well your not her mom and he doesn't want you to see her, so it's not that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonely_lady Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 I'm not concerned over him having custody, but I want my daughter as well. Even though she's not my biological daughter I'm not willing to give her up because he's selfish Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 As the poster above said, once push comes to shove I doubt he'd give up the free babysitting just to spite you. Don't let fear dictate your choices. To me all your posts sound like you're just venting. It's unfortunate that your history of being abused as a child makes you accept the same treatment as an adult. I dont think you have seriously considered leaving. The sad thing is you are perpetuating the cycle for these kids by staying with him. Op, can't you see the patterns repeating themselves? Taking the exact opposite action as your mom doesn't mean the patterns are not repeating. At the end of the day the children are taught that it is ok to treat people a certain way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I'm not concerned over him having custody, but I want my daughter as well. Even though she's not my biological daughter I'm not willing to give her up because he's selfish How many years until she turns 18? Also, at the VERY LEAST you need to get individual therapy to work on your self-esteem and learn how to be more assertive if you are planning to stay in this situation. It looks like you let him walk all over you all the time and it doesn't have to be that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonely_lady Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 12 more years until she turns 18 and yes I agree therapy is much needed at this point. I've gone to therapy before, and it always gets better, not necessarily my marriage, but my emotional state does. Good suggestion going to make my appointment on Monday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Most people I have known whose parents stay together because of the kids are unhappy and are aware of the fact that their parents are miserable. Most often, it is for the best of the kids to discontinue those sorts of marriages and relationships. If your daughter was older, I'm sure she would understand your leaving is for the best. I was initially under the impression that she was in her late teens, not 6 years old. I get that you have been there for her for the past five and a half years, but it's not as if you've raised her her entire life, but rather just a few years. Can you really imagine staying with this man another 12 years? And what would your daughter think WHEN (not if) she finds out you stayed and put up with this abuse for her? Imagine the guilt she could possibly feel. Link to post Share on other sites
nais Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 So my husband has recently told me that he doesn't find me attractive because I am overweight. He told me that he was embarrassed to have a big wife, because he should be able to show me off with pride. To add on, he emphasized that me being overweight has contributed to our non existent dating/ sex life. Yes, I will admit that I am overweight, but it's only 30 pounds extra than what I weighed in high school. We have been together since I was 18 now I am 23. I would love to be fit and in shape, but right now I don't have the time to do so. It's impossible for me to do everything. He wants a clean house, home cooked meals, me to do everything for our kids, and a wife who has a good job and a degree. Please make note that I work go to school full-time cook everyday from scratch keep our home clean and do most of the work with our kids. He has it so good to the point that when he does rarely watch our kids he is overwhelmed and calling me after an hour of being with them. Yes, he's a good provider and he works hard, but so do I. He says I'm undisciplined, because I am fat and that he is embarrassed to show me to people in public because it looks like I have no self control. Then he has the audacity to say when people see us together they most likely question why he is with me, because he's fit and attractive. I can't believe he feels this way I am really torn on what I should do. I feel alone, and depressed. I want to lose weight, but being on the Deans list and teaching my kids to read is more important. My job is more important to me than my weight. He says I just make excuses, but honestly I'm only a size 12 and I eat really healthy I've never been a small girl when we got married I was a size 8, and he would always try and make me workout then, but I guess I was just to young and impressionable to see how vapid and shallow he was. He's also said that another reason he is with me is because I am on the verge of getting my degrees and getting a way better paying job once I graduate. He says he feels like invested too much into my career because he has worked a full time blue collar job these past 5 years to support me finishing college. I mean part of me feels like I owe it to him to stay with him, because he has been the main provider for me while I have been finishing school. I'm just so confused, my husband is such a dick and I have reached my max. We've moved on from domestic violence, and probable infidelity, but him critiquing me this way has just thrown me over the edge You are about to out earn him and he needs to put you in your place so to speak- you would have a means to leave and remain gone so the mental abuse starts now why? he is jealous as *uck! I mean geez- your a size 12, and your fat? that would mean you are 4'5 and weigh 200 lbs to fit into 12s. Get your degree- work on how you look for you- and tell buddy to kick rock!! If not stop accepting his sloppy jealous rants. Who cares what 'his' people think, once your done with school you all may not have much else in common depending on your Degree- you will need new friends. He can continue to rub elbows with Beau and Ricky Bobby blue collars are Us! Link to post Share on other sites
Zimber Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 Sad thread! You've received some good advice here OP. When you're earning more money, getting flirted with by other men at work (potentially), what do you think is going to happen? You may have to consider turning your back on his daughter to save yourself and your own child(ren). However, it may not be forever. You're quick separations are a joke to him because you return to the same butthead. Your words are just a faint buzzing in his ear. However, you don't sound very serious about your situation either (as mentioned earlier in this thread).... So, another thing you may consider (just throwing it out there)... Stay with him, but not as a wife, just a mother. Lose the weight. Yep, you can without a time investment (just don't eat as much and give up alcohol for a spell). You're 23, you can nail 30lbs easy. Focus on yourself and your children, just cook for the putz. Just check out of the marriage in every way. This doesn't solve your marriage problems, but it sure would be best for you. The more you start to ignore this turkey and work on yourself, the better you'll feel about ... you! He will see that you are going to outgrow, out perform and he's lost his power over you. Couple or three things could possibly happen... 1) he realizes that he must change or he's going to lose you and doesn't want to lose the free ride he's been getting. 2) he turns into a bigger butthead to break your confidence and control you, but it doesn't matter, because you no longer care what he thinks. 3) he threatens to take the daughter away if you don't sleep with him.... he'll threaten, but I'm assuming he's your age. He doesn't want to be a single father. It is an idol threat. 4) he'll turn violent. This is where you have to understand how whacked he is. Could he really hurt you (then you're nuts to be there at all). Or if he just smacks you a time or two, have him arrested. A second offense of domestic violence might get him out of your hair for enough time to maybe make headway with his daughter. That said ... abuse seldom ends OP. It just gets worse. The kid(s) you're protecting now, will likely have been better off if you left tomorrow. They would grow up fatherless, but they wouldn't have to grow up seeing such horrible things as they very might end up seeing. Zimber Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 I'm gunna go against the grain here and say.....there is really no such thing as "not having time to lose weight" The reality is most weight gain and most weight loss is due to what you put in your mouth. You're not going to be toned with no excersize but you will lose weight by what you eat. Also, it sounds like he's put a lot on your shoulders in terms of responsibilities. You need to take a stand and ensure that he picks up the slack. Link to post Share on other sites
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