whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I'm just so confused, my husband is such a dick and I have reached my max. We've moved on from domestic violence, and probable infidelity, but him critiquing me this way has just thrown me over the edge He's a dick. He's rude, disrespectful, and has old fashioned ways of thinking how a marriage is supposed to be too. He's abusive, mean, and doesn't treat you like a husband should treat his wife! I am so sorry for all that you've been through..It's enough to push you over the edge, and it has! I hope you're able to leave and divorce him. Things are not going to get any better and you deserve someone who is going to treat you like a queen and adore you, no matter what! Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 This is NOT about your weight. It's about controlling you. Your weight is simply what he chose to use in order to control you and keep you pushed down and inferior to him. He can no longer physically abuse you because he will go back to jail, so he uses this to accomplish the same thing... to keep himself in control. To make sure you don't feel strong enough to leave or speak up for yourself. You need to get away from him. He's a cruel person, and he's never going to be the loving kind person you want him to be. If you lose 20 more pounds, he will just criticize you for saggy skin. Or say that you are wearing tighter fitting clothing to attract other men. Nothing you say or do will ever be good enough, because it's not about you - it's about him and his need to manipulate and isolate you. You say you are afraid of being alone, but really... could it be worse than this? Also, even if your children have two homes, spending 50% or more of their time in a home that is safe, calm, accepting, and loving is only going to benefit them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jo35 Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think your husband sounds like a wanker. Sorry, but he does. A size 12 is NOT obese, nor at a size 12 are you at risk of diabetes or any of that stuff. It sounds like you work your ass off, nothing about your life sounds "sedentary". It sounds like you have far too much to deal with and perhaps you find some comfort in food or just don't have the time or energy to prepare healthy stuff for YOURSELF. He's been violent and he's possibly cheated on you. He puts you down and makes you feel bad about yourself. If he actually cared about YOU he would find a nicer way to get his point across without making you feel like crap. Perhaps by offering to look after the kids so you can go to the gym or for that walk around the block, perhaps by offering to cook each evening because he obviously knows exactly what you should be eating, or perhaps he could do the food shopping. He works hard, big deal, most people do. Does that mean you owe him? No. You owe yourself more respect that to stick with someone who doesn't value your worth. Believe me, I did it for a long time and it only ever gets worse. Change is scary, but I bet you'll find once you take that step, however hard, you'll have more respect for yourself, you'll be happier, no more walking on eggshells, no more being put down...the weight will probably come off without any effort. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 he's possibly cheated on you. He puts you down and makes you feel bad about yourself. I have a vibe that he is currently cheating. Maybe he feels so guilty and badly about himself, that he is tearing OP down as a way to convince himself that she isn't better than him because she's "fat". 3 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Did a little cleanup and will remind respondents that this topic is placed in the MLP area so focus on the marital relationship. Weight-loss/health topics/concerns can be addressed in our Health forum areas. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Sorry but get out if this abuse. Size 12 large! No way. no way! Yes i agree its control. Don`t take this abuse. Your better than this. So my husband has recently told me that he doesn't find me attractive because I am overweight. He told me that he was embarrassed to have a big wife, because he should be able to show me off with pride. To add on, he emphasized that me being overweight has contributed to our non existent dating/ sex life. Yes, I will admit that I am overweight, but it's only 30 pounds extra than what I weighed in high school. We have been together since I was 18 now I am 23. I would love to be fit and in shape, but right now I don't have the time to do so. It's impossible for me to do everything. He wants a clean house, home cooked meals, me to do everything for our kids, and a wife who has a good job and a degree. Please make note that I work go to school full-time cook everyday from scratch keep our home clean and do most of the work with our kids. He has it so good to the point that when he does rarely watch our kids he is overwhelmed and calling me after an hour of being with them. Yes, he's a good provider and he works hard, but so do I. He says I'm undisciplined, because I am fat and that he is embarrassed to show me to people in public because it looks like I have no self control. Then he has the audacity to say when people see us together they most likely question why he is with me, because he's fit and attractive. I can't believe he feels this way I am really torn on what I should do. I feel alone, and depressed. I want to lose weight, but being on the Deans list and teaching my kids to read is more important. My job is more important to me than my weight. He says I just make excuses, but honestly I'm only a size 12 and I eat really healthy I've never been a small girl when we got married I was a size 8, and he would always try and make me workout then, but I guess I was just to young and impressionable to see how vapid and shallow he was. He's also said that another reason he is with me is because I am on the verge of getting my degrees and getting a way better paying job once I graduate. He says he feels like invested too much into my career because he has worked a full time blue collar job these past 5 years to support me finishing college. I mean part of me feels like I owe it to him to stay with him, because he has been the main provider for me while I have been finishing school. I'm just so confused, my husband is such a dick and I have reached my max. We've moved on from domestic violence, and probable infidelity, but him critiquing me this way has just thrown me over the edge Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 im sorry he sounds like a conceited,ahole and hes emotionally abusing you,thats not how you motivate people to lose weight,you encourage them not talk down to them,i wouldn't take any of his crap and maybe people look at you guys together thinking,i cant believe shes with that *******,stop doing so much for him if hes not putting in the effort,thats if you want to stay with him,and if you do decide you want to lose weight,you do it for you not that jerk Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 This is NOT about your weight. It's about controlling you. Your weight is simply what he chose to use in order to control you and keep you pushed down and inferior to him. You need to get away from him. He's a cruel person, and he's never going to be the loving kind person you want him to be. If you lose 20 more pounds, he will just criticize you for saggy skin. Or say that you are wearing tighter fitting clothing to attract other men. Nothing you say or do will ever be good enough, because it's not about you - it's about him and his need to manipulate and isolate you. You say you are afraid of being alone, but really... could it be worse than this? Also, even if your children have two homes, spending 50% or more of their time in a home that is safe, calm, accepting, and loving is only going to benefit them. This ^^^^^^ This isn't about weight and its not about whether you are good arm-candy or not. This is about his bad character. He is a bad person. No matter what you do he will cut you down and treat you bad because he is a bad person. You losing weight will not change his character. He will just do something else crappy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I have a vibe that he is currently cheating. I agree. Do some serious investigating. Hack his computers, email, facebook, phone etc. Stash some digital voice activated recorders in his truck and around the house when you aren't home. Dig through drawers, vehicle etc. You are going to find evidence of other women. (And I'd bet my very last dollar that you are more fit and attractive than they are) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I agree. Do some serious investigating. Hack his computers, email, facebook, phone etc. Stash some digital voice activated recorders in his truck and around the house when you aren't home. Dig through drawers, vehicle etc. You are going to find evidence of other women. (And I'd bet my very last dollar that you are more fit and attractive than they are) I don't know if this even matters. All of the other issues are enough to end a marriage over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I agree with the others, it doesn't sound like you are obese or anything, but just have a few pounds to lose. Don't do it for him, but do it for yourself. Excess weight is usually a result of over eating, so if you're already eating healthy and you don't have much time to spend at the gym, try cutting your portion sizes. The weight gain can also be a result of having children...it takes time to come off and often stays there if you aren't able to exercise. I gained 30lbs after turning 18 and it was quite noticeable on me....it's a lot even if it happened over 5 years. But your husband sounds like a shallow prick. Perhaps you can tell him that him helping out more will allow you to focus on you and your health. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonely_lady Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 I am actually in the process of leaving I tried to explain to him that he really hurt my feelings, and he said oh well it's the truth, so I went ahead and found a new place. I even went ahead and reserved it, and tried to talk to him about what we would do with our kids. He went ahead and threatened me with my oldest daughter, and let me know he wouldn't let me see her if I left. It looks like I'm stuck with him until she is 18. She is not my legal/biological daughter she is his daughter from a previous relationship and I have been raising her since she was 7 months old, her mom isn't in the picture. Her mom struggles with PTSD, and is constantly moving into a new place with a new guy, I feel really bad for her, and have tried to reach out to her multiple times. In my eyes she is my daughter, she calls me mom, and we have such a close bond, I love her with all my heart, and I don't think I can afford to lose her. This is why I never have left he always uses her to reel me back in everytime we separate I end up going back to him because he takes her away from me. UGHHH! I am so angry right now I finally had gotten up the courage to leave him for good, but my daughter is more important to me than that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 You need to talk to a lawyer. I don't think staying is the right choice here and you may have other options. Can you adopt her? If he has been to prison for beating you maybe it would be possible to work with other family members to make sure someone else gets custody. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonely_lady Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 No I cannot adopt her because her mother is still her mother, there's no way around it she's not my daughter so therefore I have no rights, and I'm not willing to leave her she's already lost 1 mother it's not fair for her to have to lose another one. Link to post Share on other sites
thinkingofhim Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Using the kids to manipulate you is ABUSIVE. TALK TO A LAWYER. Omg.. look what you are teaching these children by staying!!! You are teaching by example, and what you are teaching your girls is that this kind of relationship is normal and to be expected and tolerated. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I think you are making excuses to stay. I don't want to minimize your feelings for and responsibility for the child but you can do better than "I'm not her mother therefore I have no rights therefore I have to stay". At the least, you need to get into therapy and consult with a lawyer. It probably wouldn't hurt to start getting social services involved if he is abusive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Her mom struggles with PTSD, Jeez, I can't imagine why. You will be too if you don't get away and make a life for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 I think you are making excuses to stay. I don't want to minimize your feelings for and responsibility for the child but you can do better than "I'm not her mother therefore I have no rights therefore I have to stay". At the least, you need to get into therapy and consult with a lawyer. It probably wouldn't hurt to start getting social services involved if he is abusive. I agree. Do you think divorces are easy and smooth sailing from start to finish? Do you think people cooperate and play nice and don't say mean and threatening things when you leave them? Did you really think he was going to smile and give you a big hug and say, "that's a great idea Honey, how can I help you with that?" The guys a buttwad, he's going to trip you up and make your life miserable at every opportunity. If you let every little bump in the road stop you, you will be stuck in this miserable hole forever because there is going to be a million threats and challenges thrown at you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Your mistake was telling him anything in the first place. All that did was give him a chance to stick the knife in your weak underbelly to throw off kilter before you even had a chance to do anything. You see the lawyer, get the papers all drawn up,get some trusted people to help and support you, develop an escape plan, have everything all ready to go, withdraw 50% of the money out of the accounts and put in an account with just your name, then make the break when he leaves for work and have him served with the divorce papers AND A RESTRAINING ORDER once you are already gone. Then WHEN (not if) he breaks the restraining order you send him to jail and that is a big strike against him for any child custody issues, especially since he has a prior history of domestic assault. You are going to have to be smart, proactive and tough here. It's not going to be clean and tidy and easy. You are gonna have to let your inner bitch out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Please see a family lawyer about how you can protect your non-biological daughter while leaving your husband. It's possible the biological mother would cooperate with you being granted custody. The issues are complex and you need legal advice from a family lawyer who knows your state law and your exact facts. DON'T assume that nothing can be done! Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 My recommendation at this point is to quit fiddle-farting around with threads about peripheral and inconsequential issues like lesbian porn and liposuction and address a your real issue on how to get away from this dipwad. It's time to grow up and take responsibility for your own safety and welfare and for the wellbeing of your children and deal with the real issue. I suggest you start a new thread and title it, " How do I escape from my controlling, abusive husband?" And tell the real story of what is going on in your household. People will be able to offer some real-world insights and advice on how to proceed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonely_lady Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) The mother won't cooperate and the court system already knows about his domestic violence case. I've spoken to a lawyer, I have no rights, that's the fact. She's my daughter, I'm not making excuses but how many of you would leave your child? When he won full custody he presented his domestic violence case to the judge, so therefore the court found him a better fitting parent than the mother. The mother wants custody of her daughter, but allowed her boyfriend to molest her. Honestly this little girl has been through hell and back, and I'm not willing to let her go. The reason I told him is because I wanted to come to an agreement without the court system getting involved as for as custody. He has full legal and physical custody of our daughter, so therefore I have to go through him to see her. He has not hit me since he was arrested for it, and the judge/ court system is already aware of what happened. My lawyer already told me to have no rights when it comes to this child even though I have taken care of her since she was 7 months old. Her mother hates me, and would never let me see her if it was up to her. So I'm sorry it's not that simple and I am not making excuses but my kids are everything to me, and if that's the way I can be around her I will do what I have to do. I am not willing to walk out on my daughter, I know what it is like to have a parent walk out on you and be stripped of all their rights because they are not your biological parent my mom used me as ammunition towards my father after their divorce, just like my spouse is trying to do with me. My father tried so hard to be in my life but every chance my mom got she used me to hurt him, just like he is trying to do with me. My father is now a very sad and lonely man, and he feels robbed of his time with me. It was a very similar situation, and this is bigger than me she is a part of my family my family considers her my daughter they don't use the word step. She very close to my mother, and I won't rob her of tbat. Even though he is being manipulative, and vindictive, I can sit here and say that I will do the better good for my daughter and not leave her. She's already been through hell and back, and struggled with depression at the young age of 4 because of the sexual abuse she faced Edited February 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
thinkingofhim Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Staying in this situation is going to cause great harm to your kids. All of them. You need to find a way out of there. "But I caaan't" isn't good enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 What are the ages of your biological kids? Do they want to leave? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonely_lady Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) Easier said than done I'm not saying I can't because I could leave, and possibly never see my daughter again. Like I've mentioned before she really is then only reason I have stayed around this long, she is my heart, and what I originally is shared parenting time for our children so they could still be together because he works third shift I wanted to keep her at night, and him keep them during the day/ after school, and split the weekends up evenly. He responded well yes we should share custody of our youngest child (who is our biological child), but the daughter whom is his, is his daughter. I responded by telling him that he's was a dick because I have been there for her since day 1 and if it weren't for me he would not have full custody. Then he said he has the final say, and he doesn't need me to raise her. I have contacted a lawyer regarding this matter before, and there is absolutely no way for me to get parenting time. Our court system is so black and white and there is no justice for "step parents" even when they are seen as a parent in the child's eyes. My daughter barely knows her real mom, her mom comes around every now and then, but she's not really in the picture. I mean everyone here says leave him for your happiness, but what about my daughter. How many of you are willing to leave your child? I'm not willing to miss out on these years of her life, because my marriage sucks. He is very similar to how my mom treated me as a child, and I know what it's like to live with an emotionally my mom did this to me and my brothers. Except she beat us way more, and right now him and I sleep in separate rooms. We haven't really talked in a long time, and we dont do extra curricular activities together. Honestly I'm ok with being his roommate until my daughter is old enough to come see me on her own. Edited February 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts