I'm tired of chasing women.

[somedude81]

The groping also goes back to the oral sex issues and the constantly asking her to do it. Or maybe demanding? And the anger issues. It all adds up to her reasons whether you can see it or not.

 

And in any case, you don't just go and "grope" your girlfriend. No one likes to just have someone forcefully grab them when they're not expecting it, even if it's your lover. That's common sense and borderline abusive.

You don't have a clue what you are talking about and you're just making up sh*t as you go along.

[clia]

Please give me the benefit of the doubt Clia.

 

I didn't just grab her breast out of nowhere. The conversation about her grandmother and Thanksgiving had finished and I had started talking about me missing her. I was touching and caressing her the entire time we were sitting on the couch talking, her arms, shoulders, legs. All of this was normal for us. She liked it when I touch her and said it feels nice when we've talked about it in the past.

 

I'll take your word for it. If this was the case, though, then I truly don't understand why you keep bringing up how you were "groping" her breast right before she initiated the break-up talk.

 

Record of text conversation on 1/3/2014.

 

Me: Something has been bugging me for a very long time. Why did you bring your overnight bag that day? 8:06 PM

Her: To make it look normal. 8:07 PM

Me: Wow, I wasn't actually expecting you to respond. Thank you. Why would you want to make it look normal? All that did is delay everything. 8:08 PM

Her: Not trying to freak you out initially 8:10 PM

Me: From what I can tell, what brought your talk was me getting grabby. What if I didn't try anything till 10 at night? 8:10 PM

Me: Would we have gone shopping, hung out then cooked dinner, watched TV and then have the talk? 8:11 PM

Her: Nope I wasn't going to let it go that far 8:12 PM

Her: You've gone over it a million times. Just let it go. 8:13 PM

--------------------------

There you have it.

 

Fair enough. She didn't want to freak you out.

 

Why would me groping her be the last straw? There is no way she would have believed that I wouldn't want to have sex with her that day. That's kind of the reason why she spends the night.

 

I meant if she was annoyed or irritated by your groping of her breasts (which to be fair, you do seem really obsessed with breasts) throughout your relationship, doing it one more time could have put her over the edge. As I said, though, I have no idea if it irritated her or not. I did try to explain to you why a woman could find constant groping of her private parts irritating and annoying.

 

What bugged me the most, is that if she was questioning things about the relationship, why did she not talk about it with me?

 

I'll try to explain this as best I can.

 

She had obviously started to question things in her mind. You go through this process, making mental notes, when the feelings start to fade or the relationship isn't necessarily feeling right. They add up after a period of time. You start to determine...are these dealbreakers? Are these things that I want changed? Can this person change those things? Is this even a relationship that I want to work on? Do I see a future here? Is this the right person for me? Is this the right relationship for me? Etc...

 

Why wouldn't she talk to you about it? I'm sorry to put it like this...but because the problems she had with your relationship were not worth discussing or fixing to her. She had already come to the conclusion that you weren't the right guy for her. When you hit that conclusion, no amount of discussion is going to fix it. What would you have done if she had talked to you about it? You would have tried to fix it. You would have tried to change. But she was beyond that. She didn't care if you could fix it or change it. She already knew that you weren't the right guy for her, no matter what you did. Not all relationships are worth fixing. Nor is anyone under any obligation to try to fix a relationship or to try to fit the square peg in the round hole.

 

You are struggling because there was no big blow up, no fight, nothing that to you was a discernible reason for breaking up. But there doesn't have to be. Many times there isn't anything other than a feeling of...this isn't right. This isn't what I want. There doesn't have to be fights or blow ups or clear signs of problems to mean that you are not with the right person for you. I know this is difficult for you to grasp.

 

Making plans to spend a couple of days with me and the whole bag incident was a complete lie.

 

I'll give you that! Would you be happier if she had just broken up with you over the phone, though? I doubt it. I guess she could've told you in advance that you two needed to talk, but I don't know how that would've gone over.

 

You're talking about two different things. Signs that she wasn't happy. And signs that it wasn't a serious relationship.

 

I don't think these are two different things at all. I think they are very much related.

 

She decreased the time she saw me because she works clothing retail and the holiday season was starting. She basically went from working three days a week to five days. Also her grandmother was selling her house and moving into an assisted living place. My ex was very involved in the packing process. She was tired and stressed.

 

Right. Because you expected her to drive 50 minutes to visit you on top of everything else she had going on. You think that is unrelated to her happiness level in the relationship? Don't you see how that could have added more stress and exhaustion for her?

 

I do know that she liked me very much and there was no way she would have sex with me if she didn't. I'm the second guy she has ever been with, and she went on birth control so we could have sex without condoms. She was very paranoid about getting pregnant. If that doesn't say that the relationship was serious to her, then I don't know what would.

 

I'm not saying she didn't like you. I think you are putting way too much stock into her getting on birth control, though. Of course she would get on birth control if you were having sex and she was paranoid about getting pregnant.

 

My story has never changed.

 

Bull. I'm not going to go back through all of your mega threads on these topics to pull out what you've said in the past, though. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

[somedude81]

I'll take your word for it. If this was the case, though, then I truly don't understand why you keep bringing up how you were "groping" her breast right before she initiated the break-up talk.

If anything it was more of a playful squeeze. But me squeezing her breast is what caused her to switch into the break up talk.

 

She interpreted it actually as I intended, that I was horny and wanted to have sex. Under normal circumstances we would have started making out.

 

 

Fair enough. She didn't want to freak you out.

More like she didn't want me to freak out right away.

 

If she didn't bring her bag, then we wouldn't have wasted that hour we were just talking.

 

Frankly I would have much rather preferred her to not bring her bag. As soon as she sat down I would have said, "Hey, where's your bag?" Then we would have skipped that whole hour of pointless conversation and me getting reattached to her.

 

I can't express how hurt and shocked I was to make the switch from thinking that I was going to have sex with the woman I've loved and missed so much, to she's breaking up with me.

 

 

I meant if she was annoyed or irritated by your groping of her breasts (which to be fair, you do seem really obsessed with breasts) throughout your relationship, doing it one more time could have put her over the edge. As I said, though, I have no idea if it irritated her or not. I did try to explain to you why a woman could find constant groping of her private parts irritating and annoying.

Ok, I understand what you're saying.

 

No, she was never annoyed or irritated. It wasn't anywhere close to a constant groping.

 

She just knew what was coming next and didn't want it to get to that point.

 

 

 

I'll try to explain this as best I can.

 

She had obviously started to question things in her mind. You go through this process, making mental notes, when the feelings start to fade or the relationship isn't necessarily feeling right. They add up after a period of time. You start to determine...are these dealbreakers? Are these things that I want changed? Can this person change those things? Is this even a relationship that I want to work on? Do I see a future here? Is this the right person for me? Is this the right relationship for me? Etc...

 

Why wouldn't she talk to you about it? I'm sorry to put it like this...but because the problems she had with your relationship were not worth discussing or fixing to her. She had already come to the conclusion that you weren't the right guy for her. When you hit that conclusion, no amount of discussion is going to fix it. What would you have done if she had talked to you about it? You would have tried to fix it. You would have tried to change. But she was beyond that. She didn't care if you could fix it or change it. She already knew that you weren't the right guy for her, no matter what you did. Not all relationships are worth fixing. Nor is anyone under any obligation to try to fix a relationship or to try to fit the square peg in the round hole.

From her words, it's not so much that I was the wrong guy for her, but that it was the wrong time for her.

 

She kept mentioning how the timing wasn't right. She realized that she jumped into a relationship with me when she just wasn't ready. She knew I wanted to get more serious with her but she wasn't able to. Most likely things were moving too fast for her and she panicked. She mentioned that she freaked out a little when I told her that I wanted to go on a trip with her to the Bay Area and meet my parents.

 

There is no question of our compatibility. We had tons of things in common and were a perfect match. We never argued, always had fun together, no communication issues (as far as I could tell) and the sex was great.

 

It all boils down to her being single for a month or less, after being in a three year relationship.

 

Right guy, wrong time.

 

Though I do think you are right that when she did come to her conclusion there was no changing it. Plus she is very stubborn. Also with it being a timing issue, that basically mean that there was nothing I could change. It was completely out of my hands.

 

Now it's painfully clear to me is that I just should have left her alone at that point. And odds are she would have contacted me a couple of months down the line wanting to try again. But I screwed that up.

 

I'll come back and address the rest after I eat.

[somedude81]

Bull. I'm not going to go back through all of your mega threads on these topics to pull out what you've said in the past, though. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

Putting things into context. Our first date was May 31, 2013

 

 

Here is a post I made on June 9th, 2013

 

www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/399902-continuing-adventures-some-amazing-dude-7.html#post4957252

 

More specifically,

 

20 going on 21 to 22 going on 23? That's like three years. I hardly expect it to last even half as long. Heck I don't even think it will last past December once I graduate and will most likely get a job back in my home town. There's no way I'll get into a LDR so I'll hope for a very amicable break up if that's what happens. There's also a chance it may end in September if she ends up going away to a school out of the area. This may very well end up a summer fling, but none of us are talking about it.

Wow, did I jinx the whole thing back then?!

 

Please keep in mind that, that post was made after our third date. I was not yet attached to her.

 

June 28th

From what I can tell, this will definitely work out, but for how long is the question.

 

There is a chance she might end up going to a different university at the end of August, and if she moves too far away, I'm not going to maintain a LDR.

 

Other than me telling her that I'd like her to stay at the school she is at now, we haven't talked about it. I know that her future is far more important to her than I am.

 

Even if she stays where she is, I'll be graduating in December and there is a huge chance I'll move back home, and again, I wouldn't be interested in an LDR.

 

Knowing that this relationship could end in a short amount of time, my goal is for both of us to have fun and be happy, and to put myself in a situation where it doesn't take me five years to find my next girlfriend as well as to to leave her better off than I found her since what happened with her ex had a big negative impact on her.

At that point, we had only been dating for almost a month, and I was very afraid that she would be going away to nursing school.

 

We still haven't had sex yet at that point.

 

June 29

 

I know people would rather he find this one girl and then ride off into the sunset but if all this situation brings him is more confidence to end up dating multiple women, so be it.

 

Falling in love with the first girl who shows you interest is dangerous.

Damn right it is.

 

Marrying my first girlfriend seems like a horrible idea. I simply need to date more and experience more women.

 

And for her, she's only 20 and still growing as a person. Her future has possibilities and it would be foolish for her to get tied down.

 

It may be naive of me, but down the line I'm hoping we can have a very amicable breakup. No fights, no hard feelings. Just realizing that we're separating because our lives are taking us in different directions.

This might just be me, but I find it VERY strange that you would even remotely fathom the idea that you guys will break up down the line...when it's been nothing but good so far.

 

Simple.

 

If I graduate in December, then find a great job back home in NorCal. If she doesn't want to come with me. Then how can we stay together?

 

Also, what if she ends up going to school somewhere far away? I'm not going to maintain an LDR for two years.

 

Ha ha, that thread got locked one day before we had sex.

 

For as long as I was in a relationship with her, I never again mentioned thinking about breaking up with her and moving away.

 

All of those posts were made less than a month after our first date and we weren't official at that point.

 

Once she had become my girlfriend, I never thought about dumping her. It wasn't until after she had broken up with me, did I start writing about thinking about breaking up with her, and that was only after somebody had brought it up.

[lookingforbalance]

My apologies for the bad formatting, hope this is better:

 

Somedude81, it seems that the last few posts has veered off you’reyour original topic, more concerned with your past relationship, so I want tocomment on your need for a higher success rate in meeting and dating women.

 

Brother, I really want to see if you can understand what Iam saying, so please read carefully and pay attention; it will do us both good.If you go back and look at your posts and stack them against each other, you shouldsee that you are a walking contradiction of yourself.

 

I am going to put something out there for you to consume,which has probably been communicated to you in this thread already, but in around-about way. I provide it here straight and a no-sugar chaser, so prepareto be hit right between the eyes.

 

I am wondering what you actually learned, and took away,from the 6 month relationship you were in. It appears from your posts that youlearned nothing, which you will continue to do the same things and expect differentresults. You seem to want to place blame on all others except for yourself andyour actions. You appeared to take no responsibility in the breakup with yourgirlfriend, which is impossible for it to be completely one-sided in anyrelationship. You say you have learned many lessons about how to be in yournext relationship, but you are not applying any of those lessons to your “pursuit”.

 

You are, at this point in your life, a huge ball of need, anempty internal pit that no one could possibly fill, as you refuse to fill ityourself. The reason that you choose not to invest in making friends and youfind it difficult to maintain friendships is because you have NOTHING to giveanyone. You only consume emotion, love, kindness, and place expectation oneveryone else. It is the reason you don’t have dates past one or two times,they figure out rather quickly that they can’t possibly fill you up with allthe need that you require, and not get anything in return. It’s not worth theeffort to put in and not get anything in return. It just took the 6-month girllonger to figure out, as she was emotionally wrapped up in a previousrelationship.

 

Figure out how to fill yourself to meet your own emotionalneeds, not relying on a woman to do it for you, and the women will flock toyou, guaranteed. This comes from experience. I have lived my life as a short (5’7”),very average looking male, who had to rely on charm and confidence toattract women, and when I realized that the less I relied on others to meet myneeds, the easier it was to attract women, much easier. By no means am I sayingthat I haven’t made mistakes, and chosen the wrong women for myself in thepast, and made many errors in action and judgment, but that is all part of thelearning process.

 

There are many people on this thread trying to give youadvice to “make it easier to find a relationship” (your words), and you keepputting them off, as if you know everything. If you knew everything, as youcome across, then you would be having much greater success. Take a moment, shutdown the engines, LISTEN to what people are saying, and think about it beforedismissing them. There is a wealth of experience and great advice for exactlyyour issues. If you could stop and read your own posts objectively, you mightsee that no one could possibly meet the level of need that you have on display.

 

Now, YOU have the power to fix all of this. But change andimprovement IS NOT found in a relationship, because no intimate, solidrelationship has ever been proven to be sustainable and be so one-sided.

 

Take it for what it’s worth to you, but please don’t wasteanother 10 years looking for someone else to fill your entire, vast plethora ofneeds.

 

Good luck in this self-realization, it’s a bitch to getthere, but well worth it in the end.

[pharmmage]

Somedude81 get your sh*t together and stop crying over a relationship that never worked in the first place.

 

Have you maybe consider that perhaps you're her rebound guy?

 

Do you really think that a 30-some year old guy, with no career and not even close to getting an undergrad degree, will be able to maintain stability in a relationship with a young 20-some year old chick who is goal oriented?

[somedude81]

Part 2

You are struggling because there was no big blow up, no fight, nothing that to you was a discernible reason for breaking up. But there doesn't have to be. Many times there isn't anything other than a feeling of...this isn't right. This isn't what I want. There doesn't have to be fights or blow ups or clear signs of problems to mean that you are not with the right person for you. I know this is difficult for you to grasp.

Yes it is very hard for me to understand. I had believed that relationships only end because of cheating, a big fight or too much arguing, or somebody was feeling neglected.

 

None of those applied to us.

 

I'm still struggling to understand her reasons, and I probably never will. At least, not until I experience it myself, and have my feelings fade for a partner.

 

I'll give you that! Would you be happier if she had just broken up with you over the phone, though? I doubt it. I guess she could've told you in advance that you two needed to talk, but I don't know how that would've gone over.

There are two ways I would have preferred it to happen.

 

1. She doesn't bring her bag, and right away we go into the break up talk.

 

2. She asks me to drive to her house saying that she wants to go for a walk around the lake, which is something we've done a few times before and would have been happy to meet her there. We sit on a bench and then she starts the talk.

 

Right. Because you expected her to drive 50 minutes to visit you on top of everything else she had going on. You think that is unrelated to her happiness level in the relationship? Don't you see how that could have added more stress and exhaustion for her?

Yes I did realize, unfortunately too late, that having her drive to me wasn't making things easier on her.

 

I have received several suggestions on how I could have made things less tiring for her. I don't know if I'll ever be in a similar situation again, but I know what to do now.

 

I'm not saying she didn't like you. I think you are putting way too much stock into her getting on birth control, though. Of course she would get on birth control if you were having sex and she was paranoid about getting pregnant.

Either way there were various other things that she did that showed that she liked me a lot. I'm not going to go into them as all that will do is bring up painful memories.

[Imajerk17]

Ehhh, somedude there comes a point where all this analysis as to why she broke up with you is only going to keep sending you around in circles. Possible reasons include:

 

1. The age difference.

2. She just wasn't over her ex.

3. She just wasn't feeling it 100% with you to the level of taking it to the next step.

4. She didn't think you were putting enough energy to your studies and the job search.

5. She sensed that you were into her way more than she was into you.

 

 

At the end of the day though, I will give this girl a lot of credit for showing you enough respect to drive the 50 minutes to see you and for breaking up with you face-to-face. That she did it in such a kind manner does make me think that she thought ahead of what to tell you.

[pickflicker]

Somedude, you have over 13K posts here. You cannot tell me that in all the time you've been on LS, you hadn't worked out that the reasons for a relationship breakdown are infinite, and probably 90% are superficial. The BBU section is rife with it.

 

I'm going to ask this is the nicest possible way. Do you have Asperger's?

[Imajerk17]

I will also say more: You will make yourself a hell of a lot more attractive to any woman (including your ex!) if you move forward with your life.

 

How would you feel if you broke up with someone and 3 months later they weren't really moving on with their life? You probably would feel resentful to that other person for making you feel so damn guilty.

 

At the end of the day we've all been there, you're not the worst person ever in this regards by any means. But you know what you need to be focusing on now.

[somedude81]

Ehhh, somedude there comes a point where all this analysis as to why she broke up with you is only going to keep sending you around in circles. Possible reasons include:

 

1. The age difference.

2. She just wasn't over her ex.

3. She just wasn't feeling it 100% with you to the level of taking it to the next step.

4. She didn't think you were putting enough energy to your studies and the job search.

5. She sensed that you were into her way more than she was into you.

 

 

At the end of the day though, I will give this girl a lot of credit for showing you enough respect to drive the 50 minutes to see you and for breaking up with you face-to-face. That she did it in such a kind manner does make me think that she thought ahead of what to tell you.

I think it's numbers 2,3, and 5.

 

Yes I am grateful that she did make the drive. And yes, I'm sure she played over what the wanted to say to me over in her head during the drive and even before that.

 

Frankly it seemed that she was talking at me, not to me.

 

 

 

Somedude, you have over 13K posts here. You cannot tell me that in all the time you've been on LS, you hadn't worked out that the reasons for a relationship breakdown are infinite, and probably 90% are superficial. The BBU section is rife with it.

 

I've never looked at the break up section up until after I got dumped. My first post in that forum was the thread I made.

 

I'm going to ask this is the nicest possible way. Do you have Asperger's?

Nope.

 

Why do you ask?

[somedude81]

I will also say more: You will make yourself a hell of a lot more attractive to any woman (including your ex!) if you move forward with your life.

Yup I know that.

 

Though as I said earlier, there is a difference between knowing the right thing to do, and actually doing it.

 

How would you feel if you broke up with someone and 3 months later they weren't really moving on with their life? You probably would feel resentful to that other person for making you feel so damn guilty.

Damn right I want her to feel guilty.

 

Of course I know I should not be, and trying to make her feel guilty is counterproductive if I wanted to get her back.

 

I was driven solely by emotions. I was hurt and angry, and I wanted to make her feel bad.

 

I have some extremely negative and dark thoughts that thankfully I've manged to keep from her and have not posted here.

 

At the end of the day we've all been there, you're not the worst person ever in this regards by any means. But you know what you need to be focusing on now.

Yes I do. And it is becoming easier to do them now that my emotions are leveling out.

[Eclypse]

The groping also goes back to the oral sex issues and the constantly asking her to do it. Or maybe demanding? And the anger issues. It all adds up to her reasons whether you can see it or not.

 

And in any case, you don't just go and "grope" your girlfriend. No one likes to just have someone forcefully grab them when they're not expecting it, even if it's your lover. That's common sense and borderline abusive.

 

None of the girls I've been with have ever had an issue with me "groping" them. It's such an ugly word. For example we're lying in bed talking and I'll just reach up and start playing with her boob or butt. She'll just wink and keep talking. It doesn't lead to sex. When we're spooning and going to sleep she insists on me holding her boobs when my hands are around her. It's just an assumed part of the relationship. She'll grab my hand and put it there sometimes. Then again maybe we're just different since we're always groping each other. Surely this isn't an issue for most women? This is the person you're getting down with every night!

 

I do agree she ham fisted the break up. A lot of us are guilty of it. Myself too. I didn't want to hurt my ex. But I'm afraid that's exactly what I did. Kudos to her for doing it in person. I went to her place with the intention of breaking up. But when I saw her I couldn't do it and I just broke down. I ended up doing it on the phone the next day and became everything I hated. As hard as this may seem to believe, I'm sure she suffered too. I know I did. I still do 3 months later. In much happier now with my new love, but not a day goes by where I don't replay those last few days with my ex and wish things were different.

 

Good luck on your recovery.

[organizedchaos]

None of the girls I've been with have ever had an issue with me "groping" them. It's such an ugly word. For example we're lying in bed talking and I'll just reach up and start playing with her boob or butt. She'll just wink and keep talking. It doesn't lead to sex. When we're spooning and going to sleep she insists on me holding her boobs when my hands are around her. It's just an assumed part of the relationship. She'll grab my hand and put it there sometimes. Then again maybe we're just different since we're always groping each other. Surely this isn't an issue for most women? This is the person you're getting down with every night!

 

I do agree she ham fisted the break up. A lot of us are guilty of it. Myself too. I didn't want to hurt my ex. But I'm afraid that's exactly what I did. Kudos to her for doing it in person. I went to her place with the intention of breaking up. But when I saw her I couldn't do it and I just broke down. I ended up doing it on the phone the next day and became everything I hated. As hard as this may seem to believe, I'm sure she suffered too. I know I did. I still do 3 months later. In much happier now with my new love, but not a day goes by where I don't replay those last few days with my ex and wish things were different.

 

Good luck on your recovery.

 

It's an ugly word because there's a difference between groping, and reaching over and playfully touching her breast. One is affectionate. The other is forceful.

[somedude81]

None of the girls I've been with have ever had an issue with me "groping" them. It's such an ugly word. For example we're lying in bed talking and I'll just reach up and start playing with her boob or butt. She'll just wink and keep talking. It doesn't lead to sex.

Exactly!

 

It's amazing how so many people turned groping her into an ugly thing. Most likely it's because I just used the wrong word. It was a playful sexual touch and absolutely nothing out of the ordinary between us. Is there a better word I can use? Fondle doesn't seem that much better, and I can't think of anything else.

When we're spooning and going to sleep she insists on me holding her boobs when my hands are around her. It's just an assumed part of the relationship. She'll grab my hand and put it there sometimes. Then again maybe we're just different since we're always groping each other. Surely this isn't an issue for most women? This is the person you're getting down with every night!

Yup my ex did the same exact thing all the time. Hell, she did it on the very first time she stayed the night at my place, after she said no to sex.

 

It's almost as if she said, "No, you can't sleep with me, but please squeeze my breasts while I sleep. Good night"

 

The playful sexual touches I did to her were never inappropriate or unwelcome.

I do agree she ham fisted the break up. A lot of us are guilty of it. Myself too. I didn't want to hurt my ex. But I'm afraid that's exactly what I did. Kudos to her for doing it in person. I went to her place with the intention of breaking up. But when I saw her I couldn't do it and I just broke down. I ended up doing it on the phone the next day and became everything I hated. As hard as this may seem to believe, I'm sure she suffered too. I know I did. I still do 3 months later. In much happier now with my new love, but not a day goes by where I don't replay those last few days with my ex and wish things were different.

Wow that sucks.

 

So you felt bad and kept replaying those last few days?

 

I wonder if my ex did the same. I just can no longer picture as being sweet, caring or compassionate about me.

Good luck on your recovery.

Thank you, I definitely need it.

[pickflicker]

I think it's numbers 2,3, and 5.

 

Yes I am grateful that she did make the drive. And yes, I'm sure she played over what the wanted to say to me over in her head during the drive and even before that.

 

Frankly it seemed that she was talking at me, not to me.

 

 

 

 

I've never looked at the break up section up until after I got dumped. My first post in that forum was the thread I made.

 

 

Nope.

 

Why do you ask?

 

Because you seen unable to pick up the subtle cues. It has nothing to do with dating, I just think you have a lot of trouble reading people.

[somedude81]

Because you seen unable to pick up the subtle cues. It has nothing to do with dating, I just think you have a lot of trouble reading people.

What cues do you feel I'm not picking up on?

 

I don't think I have more trouble than normal in reading people.

[ASG]

What cues do you feel I'm not picking up on?

 

I don't think I have more trouble than normal in reading people.

 

For one, the fact that you think people won't pick up on your vibes and general demeanor means you can't pick up other people's.

 

A long time ago I worked in a studio and when I started working there there was this one guy that would come in at least once a week to record and we got along GREAT!

 

Until things went wrong in his life... I forget what it was. but he became an emotional vampire. He would literally SUCK the life out of the room just by being there. I could FEEL that he was in the studio without seeing or hearing him.

Granted, he wasn't trying very hard to be positive, but he just became a nightmare to be around.

 

Now, I'm not saying you're like this. But the fact you put so much stock on finding a GF will seep through everything you say or do, specially when talking to a girl. You seem to be unable to understand this, probably because you can't read people or subtle clues, they are invisible to you. Which is why it makes sense that pickfliker asked that

[SmartDude]

OP, I know were your commin from. I did not have my first long term relationship till I was 32. You have to realize that most people won't understand what your going through. They also can/will not appreciate the ability to go with no girlfriend for many years, without going insane. It is a skill to be able to depend on yourself in the absence of a romantic relationship.

 

What helped me is to realize there were others out there with this same dilemma. It is commonly called being "incel" or "love shy". There are forums out there on the net for people like us. You are not totally healed yet but have broken a major barrier with your relationship to your now ex.

 

Just read around loveshack forums, also observe people in daily life. Learn what everyone else thinks is "normal" in the areas of sex, dating, relationships...etc. You will find that almost everyone is in a less-than-paradise situation.

 

Be critical of advice from most women over 40 regarding your situation.They mean well but will steer you in the wrong direction. And omg the elderly women will be drawn to you like magnets because they are sweet and they care but just try to be nice and endure it.

 

If you are the adventurous type, consider a limited relationship with a really hot but totally crazy woman. She will kick your ass but she might also help you wake up lol. It is an extreme kind of "therapy" ,but just make sure no kids are produced or you are screwed.

[sweetjasmine]

I have some extremely negative and dark thoughts that thankfully I've manged to keep from her and have not posted here.

 

This is not normal or healthy. Get help.

[organizedchaos]

What cues do you feel I'm not picking up on?

 

I don't think I have more trouble than normal in reading people.

 

Normal people don't have their first relationship (of only 6 months) at the age of 32. What makes you think you have any clue of the vibes you give off or that women (for instance your ex who just got out of a 3 year relationship) can pick up on?

 

You continually deny this and is one of the reasons you are doomed to repeat your mistakes.

Edited February 22, 2014 by organizedchaos

[somedude81]

Normal people don't have their first relationship (of only 6 months) at the age of 32. What makes you think you have any clue of the vibes you give off or that women (for instance your ex who just got out of a 3 year relationship) can pick up on?

 

You continually deny this and is one of the reasons you are doomed to repeat your mistakes.

Yes I'm very aware that it's not normal for guys to get their first relationship in their 30's.

 

There are many reasons why this has happened to me, though I don't believe the vibes I'm giving off, are not a significant factor. Nor is a supposedly poor ability to read people.

 

For the vast majority of my life I have been depressed and very quiet. I barely spoke to anybody except a small group of friends. Being quiet, short and average looking does not attract women. There was nothing appealing about me. It was not until I pushed myself to be more outgoing did I start to experience some success with women.

 

As for my ex, if she had been single for at least six months before our first date, I believe we would still be together now.

Edited February 22, 2014 by somedude81

[somedude81]

 

I have some extremely negative and dark thoughts that thankfully I've manged to keep from her and have not posted here.

This is not normal or healthy. Get help.

I'm very well aware of that.

 

It's caused by all the hurt I've experienced in my life. I've just had a very difficult time coping.

 

One thing I do realize is as the months went by with her, I was having less and less negative thoughts. The anger was fading. I was also sleeping much better.

 

The anger was fading.

 

Now I'm angrier than I ever was. When I'm by myself, it feels like I have three moods, angry, sad and numb.

 

I've been through lots of therapy, which just hasn't worked for me. I've posted many times about that.

[Lei Ping]

 

For the vast majority of my life I have been depressed and very quiet. I barely spoke to anybody except a small group of friends. Being quiet, short and average looking does not attract women. There was nothing appealing about me. It was not until I pushed myself to be more outgoing did I start to experience some success with women.

 

This is a list of excuses. Flimsy excuses at that. The only "tall" you need to aspire to is in the saddle. There's nothing wrong with being quiet, just don't not say what's on your mind when it's important to you, like the fact that you like a Woman and would enjoy an opportunity to spend some time getting to know her. Just like that, you don't need any seductive "lines" or smooth approach.

 

 

You know how to make friends, don't you? Making an intimate contact is almost exactly the same thing with the exception that you have announced your interest in the possibility at the very beginning. This is very important, otherwise you will set yourself up as a 'friend'. Women choose to be friends with Men because they feel comfortable and safe and there's nowhere near as much potential for drama. They chose lovers for those and other reasons and if you don't get them to consider those right off the bat then you are being unfair later resent the fact that you are stuck at "friend" level.

 

 

If you come at a Woman just because you're horny then you're doing it wrong. I don't know too many Women out looking for 'horn dogs' to enter relationships with. You probably go find a rental and get the monkey off your back before approaching Women in the attempt to start a new relationship.

 

 

You don't even have to be all that witty, interesting or attractive to court someone who might turn out to be the Girl of your dreams. You have to be honest, pleasant and know what it is that you're looking for.

 

 

Oh yeah. Forget about the "Ex". She was just a lesson, take it and keep moving forward.

[somedude81]

This is a list of excuses. Flimsy excuses at that. The only "tall" you need to aspire to is in the saddle. There's nothing wrong with being quiet, just don't not say what's on your mind when it's important to you, like the fact that you like a Woman and would enjoy an opportunity to spend some time getting to know her. Just like that, you don't need any seductive "lines" or smooth approach.

Sorry, but this is my life I'm talking about here. Being short, quiet and only average looking has prevented me from getting a girlfriend up until very recently.

 

Then last year I pushed myself to be much more sociable and take bigger risks with women, and then I got my first girlfriend. Either I succeeded because I forced myself to be more outgoing, or I just got lucky.

 

You know how to make friends, don't you? Making an intimate contact is almost exactly the same thing with the exception that you have announced your interest in the possibility at the very beginning. This is very important, otherwise you will set yourself up as a 'friend'. Women choose to be friends with Men because they feel comfortable and safe and there's nowhere near as much potential for drama. They chose lovers for those and other reasons and if you don't get them to consider those right off the bat then you are being unfair later resent the fact that you are stuck at "friend" level.

I know all about just being friends with women. I'm not new to this game and have been friendzoned far too many times.

 

Making an intimate connection is much harder than making friends with a woman. I do agree with you about having to announce your interest fairly early on.

 

 

If you come at a Woman just because you're horny then you're doing it wrong. I don't know too many Women out looking for 'horn dogs' to enter relationships with. You probably go find a rental and get the monkey off your back before approaching Women in the attempt to start a new relationship.

Eh yes and no.

 

The trick if finding the right amount of balance horn dog and neutered mutt. For most of my life I was coming across as almost asexual with women.

 

You don't even have to be all that witty, interesting or attractive to court someone who might turn out to be the Girl of your dreams. You have to be honest, pleasant and know what it is that you're looking for.

ROFL! If only it was that easy. Dude if it was I would have been married 10 years ago. Very few men would ever struggle with women.

 

Oh yeah. Forget about the "Ex". She was just a lesson, take it and keep moving forward.

Yes, she was several lessons. But I still miss her dearly.