Author OWAmy Posted October 31, 2015 Author Share Posted October 31, 2015 We have spoken and decided to leave it. Neither of us want to see the other hurting and in pain and this is what's currently happening. He has a lot of work to do on himself before he can even start to move forward. I guess I have a major head start on him as far as work and therapy is concerned. Thanks especially to OneLov. Lots of what you said made me think and gave me the courage to action what is best for both of us. I'm off now to get on with my life!! X 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWAmy Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 Hmmm...glad I decided on this, because it looks like his true colours are beginning to emerge now. I am left in a state of disbelief by a series of emails from him. I don't think I ever really knew this man.... Day 10 No Contact :-)) Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 It's a long 7 pages of this dating back to 2013. Do you ever read your original post and reflect on how much time has passed? Stop wasting your life on this guy. It's been 5 years already. Link to post Share on other sites
lilacwine Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 Hmmm...glad I decided on this, because it looks like his true colours are beginning to emerge now. I am left in a state of disbelief by a series of emails from him. I don't think I ever really knew this man.... Day 10 No Contact :-)) Wow, I'm so impressed by your conclusion about the xMM. Can you be more specific? What are the emails about? Also, I read the whole thread back to where you started NC the first time around. Just wondered why you started talking to him again after being in NC for so long and you seemed very resolute to never talk to him again??? what triggered it??? Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 Hmmm...glad I decided on this, because it looks like his true colours are beginning to emerge now. I am left in a state of disbelief by a series of emails from him. I don't think I ever really knew this man.... Day 10 No Contact :-)) I have just read this entire thread. Your story started to give me hope that maybe MM and I could somehow get this right, then I read this and everything crashed again. What happened? And yeah, I know... I need to stop living in hope... Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWAmy Posted November 22, 2015 Author Share Posted November 22, 2015 Wow, I'm so impressed by your conclusion about the xMM. Can you be more specific? What are the emails about? Also, I read the whole thread back to where you started NC the first time around. Just wondered why you started talking to him again after being in NC for so long and you seemed very resolute to never talk to him again??? what triggered it??? I replied when he broke 'no contact' as the week he got in contact with me I had a business crisis which threatened to ruin me. It felt safe for me as I was out of the affair mindset and knew that there was no way I would be resuming the affair. I was able to say a lot of things that were left unsaid as I went 'no contact' originally just out of the blue. So I'm pleased I got to finally say those things! This 'no contact' is really bad as he is living on his own now and going through a divorce. I know he is hurting. I am hurting, but this stage I feel he needs to do alone without me acting as a crutch. I see this as his space to really, really think hard about his life and whether the marriage is truly over. xMM didn't just live in a fantasy world in the affair. It filtered into his real world and he has ended up fantasising about everything and become very detached from reality. He is p***** that everyone won't just fall into place. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWAmy Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Lots of horrible and ugly thoughts coming to the surface. I am going through the grieving process and it's worse than any other breakup before. I am absolutely resolute that this is the end of poor relationship choices. Forever. Before I tried to bypass all of this...by going really detached. Now see the only way to deal with it is to ride it out. I'd try antidepressants but they make me so poorly the first few weeks that possibly going through the raw emotions will be better. Things I am not experiencing - have dramatically fallen out of love with him. The ambiguity of the last six months took its toll. Made me powerless. I am meeting with him for a coffee in a couple of days to talk for the last time. Iron things out I guess and seek that elusive closure. I know full well I might not get it from him and will have to find myself. One of those things that would be easier to cancel but I feel I have to brave it out. It's the end, he knows it, I know it. But on a positive note - I really know myself now and as I said before this was a huge learning curve for me. That's the good I take from it. Happy to be moving on at looooong last :-)))) Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Lots of horrible and ugly thoughts coming to the surface. I am going through the grieving process and it's worse than any other breakup before. I am absolutely resolute that this is the end of poor relationship choices. Forever. Before I tried to bypass all of this...by going really detached. Now see the only way to deal with it is to ride it out. I'd try antidepressants but they make me so poorly the first few weeks that possibly going through the raw emotions will be better. Things I am not experiencing - have dramatically fallen out of love with him. The ambiguity of the last six months took its toll. Made me powerless. I am meeting with him for a coffee in a couple of days to talk for the last time. Iron things out I guess and seek that elusive closure. I know full well I might not get it from him and will have to find myself. One of those things that would be easier to cancel but I feel I have to brave it out. It's the end, he knows it, I know it. But on a positive note - I really know myself now and as I said before this was a huge learning curve for me. That's the good I take from it. Happy to be moving on at looooong last :-)))) OA, Be careful you're not emotionally bargaining. I'm not saying you "are" or "are not" because I don't know you. Before meeting him, you should think of questions for him you feel are sufficient to provide you with a sense of closure. If you do not believe he is going to be honest, you should not go. If that is the case meeting him would only communicate to him that you're okay with being strung along a bit more. If you are not okay with that then please do yourself a favor and stay home. Choose you, OneLov 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWAmy Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 All I want is for him to be sorry for what he has put me through the last six months. He doesn't seem to acknowledge this. I'm not going to get it am I :-( I saw my therapist today and she warned me I might not get that because this is a man who displays a fair amount of narcissistic personality traits :-( Oh no - I had not contemplated that before despite having heard it banded around a fair number of times on here. I'm thinking really calm and clear now. I feel peaceful and in complete contrast to how I woke up this morning. Took some st John's Wort in place of the anti depressants. Never take any meds so when I do they tend to work really fast. There is no anger now. Wonder what emotion is going to catch me by surprise now!! Could you briefly explain what emotional bargaining is OneLuv?...sorry Google isn't helping me to grasp the concept. Not going back as either an AP or a relationship. Not now, not even if the divorce completes. Done. May not meet - just feel he is totally lacking in the empathy dept and all that will happen is he says something that infuriates me or sets me back a little. I really don't know this man at all...something is very wrong and I'm only starting to notice this now I'm not doing as I'm told. You know OneLuv I really took to your post. It spoke to me, I copied and pasted it and kept reading it. It gave me just what I needed to get out of this mess. Many thanks x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 OA, Be careful you're not emotionally bargaining. I'm not saying you "are" or "are not" because I don't know you. Before meeting him, you should think of questions for him you feel are sufficient to provide you with a sense of closure. If you do not believe he is going to be honest, you should not go. If that is the case meeting him would only communicate to him that you're okay with being strung along a bit more. If you are not okay with that then please do yourself a favor and stay home. Choose you, OneLov I agree with this. However, how do we know when we are emotionally bargaining? I feel I could be doing that myself right now, but I am so overwhelmed with emotions I cannot see the end of my own nose. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWAmy Posted November 26, 2015 Author Share Posted November 26, 2015 I'm taking it that emotional bargaining you need to be a little clearheaded and its verging on manipulation that sort of thing. I'm not one for game playing but having being powerless for so long would be nice to get my power back. That's how I know I'll keep strong when I see him. The worst thing is I've thought about what I'm going to ask but now I'm losing my voice literally. Come the weekend I might not be able to get a squeak out!! @Limeblue sounds like we are in a similar state of mind. I've not experienced this before - lots of confusing emotions. I tend to wake up with a fire in my tummy, really angry, get on the phone to my friend who calms me down then I'm peaceful, then sad. Then peaceful, then happy at being free, then feel sad at the loss, etc ... One thing remains true: I do not love him any more not after realising how he manipulated me for the last six months. Has anybody else had that - someone says something so hurtful and disrespectful that you instantly stop loving them? Best possible outcome - the cake eater ends up with no woman. Link to post Share on other sites
lilacwine Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Best possible outcome - the cake eater ends up with no woman. Well, not quite sure about this. If he can manipulate one woman for that long, he sure will do it again. You should feel lucky you finally wake up and release your self from the evil master of cake eating. Congratulations!!! The saddest thing is that it seems there are MANY men like him. (( They all started out as seemingly the love of your life and in the end turned out to be the master manipulator. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWAmy Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 I don't even know if I have been manipulated...thoughts going round in my head what was real, what wasn't real. Very confusing! I think he just wanted a comfy landing for his divorce. What a mess! You see this is the kind of guy who really does deserve to have his life turned upside down...to be learned a lesson but when there's other people involved you just can't do it. Having no DD is hard!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 (edited) how do we know when we are emotionally bargaining? Good question. Emotional bargaining is a subconscious process and often done in an effort to "buy more time" or to reduce the emotional pain that goes along with a breakup. It allows us to stay in denial to try to mitigate the forthcoming pain. Basically, a person is at risk when he/she puts additional and abitrary terms/conditions and then predicate his/her own participation in the healing process on those terms/conditions being fulfilled whether they are realistic or not. For example, someone may say, "I could get over him/her, if only I see him/her this one last time to get "x"." That person is predicating his/her emotional recovery on something outside his/her control. Seeing that person becomes paramount to the actual reason for meeting him/her (to get "x"). This is done not because seeing him/her is essential to healing but to postpone the ugly and hard process of "getting over" a person. Edited November 27, 2015 by OneLov 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWAmy Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 Thanks for expanding on 'emotional bargaining'. Yes, if I'm honest I am guilty of that in this situation. In addition I think I also want to see him out of being in love with him. See how I feel sat opposite from someone who has had little regard for my feelings. The pain for me is losing someone who has been in my life for some time now. I am really scared of goodbyes and this will be a final one. Generally I don't do goodbyes, I don't do fall outs and even with my exes they have remained as friends in my life. Even those I have lost touch with I could still reconnect with as I don't burn any bridges. I have abandonment issues - I don't want an affair, I don't want a relationship with him, he says we can't be friends so I am faced with loss. I wish I had the strength to say No. I have the strength not to be weak there will be no goodbye sex or kissing ... anything like that. That is a definite as I know that would greatly disturb me :-( Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 Very, very gently, it's plain to see in your posts that you are emotionally bargaining. You don't want to let go and a part of it, I would suggest, is that if you don't have him to focus on then you are just plain lonely. It's okay to be lonely. Oftentimes, we need to be lonely first before we find a new partner. I can't encourage you enough to just let go. From my vantage point, all you are doing is holding on to the vapors of an old relationship. It's not enough to sustain you and keeping you from living life fully. Take the plunge and end things and start getting back to you. It's going to hurt for awhile, but it will hurt for a lot less time if you do it now rather than keep delaying it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWAmy Posted November 29, 2015 Author Share Posted November 29, 2015 It is hurt and pain that I feel. There has been virtually no contact this month and I have not initiated any of it. I was lonely with him and hardly feel any lonelier now. It is the ending of it that is hard the absolute cutting off of that last thread. I gained strength by revealing the affair to half a dozen friends so my support system is good. Agreeing to meet has impeded my moving on a little. But I know that there won't be any return of the feelings I once felt. This last month I have felt consistently bad as far as he is concerned. I suspect he is only meeting to assess 'damage limitation'. I for one will not be giving him any assurances where that is concerned. He can be kept in limbo. Five years is a long time to meddle in someone's life and if I do not get closure from this and feel any better for it, then I see the only path is to now to expose the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 I was lonely with him and hardly feel any lonelier now. This statement reminds me of a quote from the television series 'The Affair'. "Being alive is essentially a very lonely proposition. You have to mostly carry your pack alone. Nobody gets as much help as they need." It may help a little if you receive some sort of closure from him, but unfortunately, the process of getting over him is something you mostly have to do alone. But I think it is good to have support from your friends during the loneliest of times. You will also find a strength and power in yourself you never thought existed. One step at a time, you will cllmb and conquer this mountain of sh*t. Believe in yourself and stay strong, OneLov 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 I suspect he is only meeting to assess 'damage limitation'. I for one will not be giving him any assurances where that is concerned. He can be kept in limbo. Five years is a long time to meddle in someone's life and if I do not get closure from this and feel any better for it, then I see the only path is to now to expose the affair. Expose the affair? Why? Path to what? You are already in NC and you are already moving on, yes? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 It is hurt and pain that I feel. There has been virtually no contact this month and I have not initiated any of it. I was lonely with him and hardly feel any lonelier now. It is the ending of it that is hard the absolute cutting off of that last thread. I gained strength by revealing the affair to half a dozen friends so my support system is good. Agreeing to meet has impeded my moving on a little. But I know that there won't be any return of the feelings I once felt. This last month I have felt consistently bad as far as he is concerned. I suspect he is only meeting to assess 'damage limitation'. I for one will not be giving him any assurances where that is concerned. He can be kept in limbo. Five years is a long time to meddle in someone's life and if I do not get closure from this and feel any better for it, then I see the only path is to now to expose the affair. You have had enough drama. You sense he is meeting you for selfish purposes so your thinking of exposure for revenge. Id just like you to pause and think, you exposed affair to friends and family of yours to keep you accountable and help you. Let him make his choice to suffer in silence, expose or whatever. Let Karma do the work. The best revenge is living well. Let your silence speak volumes. Give him no time, space, nothing. Meeting is all for him unless you plan in dressing to the nines, acting cold and portraying an eat your heart out, Im over you type of thing...cause thats still games, it still keeps you stuck, you will analyze it to death and its still gonna hurt, and it will hurt you most. Leave this be. Your out of it. Throw all your energy into finding happiness and rebuilding your life, finding new dreams. Just step off 100% and let him go it alone. Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 It is hurt and pain that I feel. There has been virtually no contact this month and I have not initiated any of it. I was lonely with him and hardly feel any lonelier now. It is the ending of it that is hard the absolute cutting off of that last thread. I gained strength by revealing the affair to half a dozen friends so my support system is good. Agreeing to meet has impeded my moving on a little. But I know that there won't be any return of the feelings I once felt. This last month I have felt consistently bad as far as he is concerned. I suspect he is only meeting to assess 'damage limitation'. I for one will not be giving him any assurances where that is concerned. He can be kept in limbo. Five years is a long time to meddle in someone's life and if I do not get closure from this and feel any better for it, then I see the only path is to now to expose the affair. The loneliness you feel is a necessary thing. You need to feel it. Meeting him with not make it any better. You're going through some sort of serious withdrawal, and you need to realize only you can take care of yourself at this time. There is nothing to discuss with him anymore. What is there to "expose" after 5 years? You gotta let it settle down and remove yourself from the situation by ceasing involvement. It is the only way to heal. Otherwise you will spin your wheels, it's already been many years. Take the step to completely detach and please don't meet with him - you will feel further worse than you do right now. You've got to accept that it's over. Haven't you tortured yourself enough? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 I too don't see the purpose of the meeting. You hate him, you said you don't love him, you don't want it back, you want expose him. So what is it that you seek from the meeting? There's no purpose is seems. To share loneliness thoughts that you have? You hope he can say something that can help. After 5 years, nothing left to say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWAmy Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 A very emotional meeting and I was glad I did it. A lot of unanswered questions were answered that you cannot convey if not in person. No holding back. I feel good, better than before. I guess I finally got what I originally sought - ending on good terms and going no contact. There is less confusion and I feel like the emotional roller coaster has ended too. @dylon - on the roller coaster I feel like that and then I feel the reverse with no warning in the space of minutes. Never had emotions conflict so much like this. I think a part of me moving on is also saying goodbye to Loveshack. This is where all the questioning originally began and this is where it ends. Thank you to all who have contributed and helped me on this journey. All the best xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWAmy Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 ...I will return to update only once - when I have found a proper love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWAmy Posted March 8, 2016 Author Share Posted March 8, 2016 Well I must be approaching near 100 days of NC. I don't have sad days any more, well I do have the odd one, but not because of xMM. I am quite lucky in that I know I will never break NC and reach out. He is the weaker one and there is no love on my side any more. Everything is blocked/deleted from my end. I am now out of therapy and moving forward in my love life. I've been actively dating and met a handful of men. Things are going well. At the beginning I wanted to be upset and feel sorry for myself but I put no pressure on myself. I was casual ... I thought ... today I will try to have a good day, be happy, occupy my time well etc... Also good not to dedicate too much time to Love Shack! 7 Link to post Share on other sites
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