What was your breaking point?

[flowingmane]

HMM,

 

I appreciate your interest on this topic. I'm not a psychologist but I will try to explain as I understand it. To me, this idea of conflict avoidance explains a lot of my actions in my life. I will abbreviate conflict avoidance as CA. Those who are CA are afraid to hurt others or dig deep to discuss serious issues. Conflict with others cause the CA person to feel stress (emotional and/or physical). To avoid conflict, a person may pretend there are no problems. Everything is fine. CA people may shift the attention to something else in hopes of diverting away from a hot issue. The CA person may blank out during a conflict. He/she may detach themselves from the conversation if the situation becomes too stressful. I believe the CA person is not comfortable with topics that can hurt others. They will save others from negative feelings at the expense of their own feelings. The CA person has a hard time putting others in an awkward position knowingly.

 

Sincerely,

Dr. Sigmund Freud

 

OMG... this is my MM (in our relationship lately)..... and explains so so much over the last few months. How then, do I work within this context? He tends to internalize and avoid until some bitter outburst blaming me for the stress caused by my feelings. And they are legitimate physical health issues that manifest with the stress. I'm afraid if we ever have a real fight that it will kill him, literally.

 

I have my own issues (working on them) but I need to be able to work through conflicts that arise with him or this will never last

 

And this may explain why he can't or won't finalize his separation. Suddenly I think I understand the sequence of events the other night.

Edited December 24, 2013 by flowingmane
clarity

[phloxxandsoxx]

These types of relationships take so much energy out of you. You can't tell anyone, you cant have a normal relationship, you are waiting for a few moments of time together, you are always questioning what is taking place, etc. Makes you wonder why.

 

^This. A thousand times this.

 

For me, I did therapy and finally figured out "why", at least where I am concerned: I had an abusive, emotionally and physically incestuous father who liked being the lion in the center of the ring and the center of attention, and especially my attention. Imagine your adult father telling you he is in love with you, when you are a child. And continuing to tell you that, today. But I digress.

 

Follow this with many, many teen and 20-something years of being treated like dog crap by boys and young men - in my case I was black/Asian and liked white guys, and the white guys would at first be drawn to the Japanese side of me then repulsed for whatever reason, so they said, by the black side of me - and then being sexually assaulted. I shut down on relationships and on men. I realized I like my solitude and became mega independent.

 

Now, in therapy, I have learned that women who have been forced to become very independent, or were naturally independent, sometimes cannot handle normal sized relationships with men. Instead, it seems as if we want a relationship as sucked through a pinhole. Tiny doses we can control. Otherwise, especially if we had an incestuous male parent, we become scared to death we will be smothered, suffocated and annihilated. Men can be very controlling, smothering, pushy and aggressive when sexually and romantically attracted to you. They seem unable to figure out middle ground: it's either too much or nothing.

 

What intelligent independent woman would not be afraid of this?

 

So, to get our needs met, in single size servings we can control, we put out vibes like that, and look who answers: MM.

 

Because he wants poon in mega doses he can control without having to give anything back, because anything real or emotional he wants to give in return has got to be teaspoon sizes. No commitment.

 

That's my take anyway.

[ZMM]

OMG... this is my MM (in our relationship lately)..... and explains so so much over the last few months. How then, do I work within this context? He tends to internalize and avoid until some bitter outburst blaming me for the stress caused by my feelings. And they are legitimate physical health issues that manifest with the stress. I'm afraid if we ever have a real fight that it will kill him, literally.

 

I have my own issues (working on them) but I need to be able to work through conflicts that arise with him or this will never last

 

And this may explain why he can't or won't finalize his separation. Suddenly I think I understand the sequence of events the other night.

 

Flowingmane - after reading posts on here and particularly Happy's, I thought I might be CA. But upon further examination, I don't think I am. I don't remember exactly, but Happy said something like, I just used avoidance as a coping mechanism to make my life easier. I think she is right.

 

When I first posted on here, I got a lot of comments, to do something right away. That's fine, but they don't know my circumstances. and if I had everything worked out, I wouldn't have bothered posting on LS in the first place.

 

Now, I actually have spent a couple months, figuring out some things about me, my M, and a lot of other issues. It has helped and given me the ability to move forward in the manner that I think will be the best for everyone concerned.

 

Your MM probably has not faced all this yet and may now be trying to deal with it. My OW, forced the issue a while back. At the time, I wasn't real happy about it, but now I can see it was the right thing to do.

[ZMM]

Well, not a word from him since he left home. I went to my pastor this afternoon and did not get the reassurance I was seeking. He said if Christmas Eve and Christmas Day pass with not a word, no sign of anything then it's likely over or a really critically bad sign. He did not say much that was kind (not even knowing this is an A) toward the situation, and pointed out that men tend to run from emotions vs work through them. His words, not mine. And this is a guy who does a lot of MC and IC as part of his job.

 

I have fallen into a state of being numb. Alternating with tears before I start doing something to try and get my mind off of it. Cycle starts again. At this rate I'm going to be on meds by New Year's.

 

Guess I'm glad I found LS. At least I have the company of others who are in or have been in similar situations. I don't feel as alone now.

 

Since he doesn't know all the details, I'm not sure I would take this to heart.

[nais]

^This. A thousand times this.

 

For me, I did therapy and finally figured out "why", at least where I am concerned: I had an abusive, emotionally and physically incestuous father who liked being the lion in the center of the ring and the center of attention, and especially my attention. Imagine your adult father telling you he is in love with you, when you are a child. And continuing to tell you that, today. But I digress.

 

Follow this with many, many teen and 20-something years of being treated like dog crap by boys and young men - in my case I was black/Asian and liked white guys, and the white guys would at first be drawn to the Japanese side of me then repulsed for whatever reason, so they said, by the black side of me - and then being sexually assaulted. I shut down on relationships and on men. I realized I like my solitude and became mega independent.

 

Now, in therapy, I have learned that women who have been forced to become very independent, or were naturally independent, sometimes cannot handle normal sized relationships with men. Instead, it seems as if we want a relationship as sucked through a pinhole. Tiny doses we can control. Otherwise, especially if we had an incestuous male parent, we become scared to death we will be smothered, suffocated and annihilated. Men can be very controlling, smothering, pushy and aggressive when sexually and romantically attracted to you. They seem unable to figure out middle ground: it's either too much or nothing.

 

What intelligent independent woman would not be afraid of this?

 

So, to get our needs met, in single size servings we can control, we put out vibes like that, and look who answers: MM.

 

Because he wants poon in mega doses he can control without having to give anything back, because anything real or emotional he wants to give in return has got to be teaspoon sizes. No commitment.

 

That's my take anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

Have not considered this of myself- but perhaps this is why. Thank you for sharing...

[Ailsa1983]

I'd had enough of the drama, I had enough of shouting matches with his W, my brain just couldn't take it anymore, my only thought for a long time were spent on them and not on us (me and my children) I was sick of being defensive, I was soo tired (couldnt sleep most nights) It just wasnt who I was or who I wanted to be. I finally told him to f*** off he's an old man and I'm not interested in his dramas anymore while he will be collecting his bus pass I will still be a young woman.