How strong is intuition? Dreams about infidelity?

[Sub]

"Liking" the BS of your AP makes it worse, IMO. Especially if you're being genuine.

[Dean13]

I really don't think he's laughing at my husband behind his back. He genuinely likes him the same as I genuinely like his wife.

 

I think what people are picturing is different from the situation I'm in. We all spend a lot of time together, and the affair is more than two years old. It's not like a movie , there is very little drama.

 

Not sure why I'm bothering here, because you're either:

 

1. A troll
   
2. In need of serious help that you aren't getting or...
   
3. Just plain evil
   

 

Unless you are involved in an open relationship where all four of you know what's going on between everybody else, nothing you say above matters. Even if you don't get caught, there's no way someone doesn't end up hurt in some way, best case scenario, it's only you. Worst case, it's you and everyone else around you.

 

I'm not saying people aren't allowed to make mistakes, I've made plenty, but a little bit of remorse and empathy usually accompanies these mistakes, and I can be pretty self-absorbed myself.

 

Also, the part where you say your husband always speaks well of you to your AP, makes my skin crawl. If I was him, and I ever found out, not sure I would ever recover from that.

 

So anyway, good luck with all that.

[BetrayedH]

You say you will never confess. Many before you have made the same commitment; the thought is typically that if we NEVER admit to what happened, they'll never really KNOW. If we keep our mouths shut, no one will ever know. I know my wife thought that way. She thought I'd never discover her 60+ mid-day hotel stays, or the graphic story she posted online under an anonymous name, or her threesome with the OM and a prostitute. They'd taken a virtual blood oath to deny, deny, deny. But the ways that BSs discover the truth (many times by completely unpredicatable happenstance) are too numerous to list. Typically it begins with vague suspicion, much like your case. Efforts are made to be more cautious, break things off for a while, blah, blah, blah. This may happen more times than you can count but without any consequences, you'll find yourself back taking risks again. One of my wife's emails talked about how they needed to be more cautious because her husband was getting suspicious. Bet she thought I'd never read that. Hell, I had a whole file folder of the stuff. Think you've deleted everything, covered your tracks, smarter than my wife? Pride comes before a fall. What happens when your H asks you a more direct question? Will you be able to lie perfectly? What about when he has hotel receipts, photos, video, audio, PI reports? How well will the deny, deny, deny approach work then? Can you really say you'll "never" confess?

 

I also find it curious that your highest priority is preserving your family but that you'll never confess. You realize that over the long term, it's very likely that these priorities will become mutually exclusive? I get that no "internet posters" will sway you. But there are some statistics that might be worth noting. Two years after Dday, 70% of couples remained together when the wayward disclosed; when the affair was instead discovered, the number drops to 35% (and only half of those couples reported being happy).

 

My wife was much like you; she wanted her marriage and some fun on the side. She was "smart." She never intended to have anything long-term with her AP. They even counseled each other about improving their marriages. Once she got caught, she tried hiding everything (and I can tell you that fails miserably when put up against a hypervigilant BS). She tried to reconcile and still hide stuff. That didn't work.

 

Yeah, we're divorced.

[experiencethedevine]

Do you ever get the feeling your wasting your time?

 

Clay

 

 

Most definitely.....................and often..............

[miguelcervantes]

HayleyM, you are a truly evil person. I often wondered about how pure evil would be personified in real people and you are an example of one of the forms that I imagined. Wow! And as a truly evil person (which also goes hand in hand with being very intelligent), you know that you are truly evil deep down and refuse to be sorry about it or even acknowledge it. Its not just what you are doing but how you are flaunting it on this forum!

[SoulStorm]

This woman is beyond help of this forum. She is too entitled..too selfish and too delusioned to see what she is actually doing. Until she has been on the receiving end of consequences for her hurtful actions, she will continue on this path of destruction until it catches up with her.

You ARE going to get caught because one of you will slip up and miss something.

Then the family you say you love with your lips will be torn from your heart because love doesn't do what you do. Love is not selfish.

 

Right now your husband is suspicious and will be watching you..trust me..he's watching because his gut is telling him you are up to something.

[tired girl]

She isn't evil, she is personality disordered. I know, I have family members like this and it sucks.

My sister in law was like this, she still is. She was screwing my brothers best friend, his best friend since he was 13. None of us believed my brother when he told us it was happening. He finally got proof, and then killed himself, over that stupid b@#$h. I have watched my niece grow up without her dad.

 

So just keep believing in no consequences. Keep believing that you have it all under control.

[BetrayedH]

She isn't evil, she is personality disordered. I know, I have family members like this and it sucks.

My sister in law was like this, she still is. She was screwing my brothers best friend, his best friend since he was 13. None of us believed my brother when he told us it was happening. He finally got proof, and then killed himself, over that stupid b@#$h. I have watched my niece grow up without her dad.

 

So just keep believing in no consequences. Keep believing that you have it all under control.

 

I'm not sure if she's personality disordered. The selfishness might indicate NPD but narcissists generally don't know the right thing to do. My father is classic NPD and actually has to ask for advice about the right thing to do; I genuinely believe he doesn't know and needs others to be his moral compass. It's taken years for me to undertand his selfishness and seeing him as NPD has helped me be less angry; he's clueless. As for the OP, I simply see her as self-entitled. She knows what she is doing is wrong and will be hurtful; that's why she is seeking tips and tricks on how to avoid being caught.

 

Where I totally agree with you here is that she thinks she has it all under control; she may be right for a time. But cheaters have been proven wrong time and time again about their overconfidence. And when it happens, that's when the tears roll out along with statements like, "I never meant to hurt you." In this case, it'll be total baloney.

 

ETA: I'm totally NOT an expert on personality disorders so I'm fine with being corrected. Just giving my $.02

Edited December 18, 2013 by BetrayedH

[tired girl]

I don't believe she views what she is doing is wrong. Not in the classic sense that you or I do. Because of her entitlement issues, she believes that she is entitled to whatever makes her happy, therefore, it is not wrong. My mother is also NPD, sucks. This person shows signs of it, but show signs of other things that don't fit with that. Certainly her complete lack of caring about anyone but herself fits.

[Keenly]

HayleyM, you are a truly evil person. I often wondered about how pure evil would be personified in real people and you are an example of one of the forms that I imagined. Wow! And as a truly evil person (which also goes hand in hand with being very intelligent), you know that you are truly evil deep down and refuse to be sorry about it or even acknowledge it. Its not just what you are doing but how you are flaunting it on this forum!

 

Did you just equate being intelligent to being evil ?

[Dean13]

Did you just equate being intelligent to being evil ?

 

I took it more as meaning many truly evil people are quite intelligent. Not that intelligence and evil are equal.

[miguelcervantes]

I took it more as meaning many truly evil people are quite intelligent. Not that intelligence and evil are equal.

 

Correct! This is what I meant. You don't necessary have to be intelligent to be bad but when it comes to executing pure evil you need to put a certain amount of thought into it.

[BetrayedH]

Hayley, if you can't even summon the courage to debate with anonymous posters on an internet board, you're going to be ill-equipped to handle your betrayed husband. It's really time to start facing this instead of compartmentalizing it.

[hayleym]

I'm not even offended by people thinking I'm evil, I know I'm not.

I know what people consider is right and wrong. I understand right from wrong I just sometimes don't agree.

[hayleym]

Hayley, if you can't even summon the courage to debate with anonymous posters on an internet board, you're going to be ill-equipped to handle your betrayed husband. It's really time to start facing this instead of compartmentalizing it.

 

In what way am I hiding from the debate?

What are we debating exactly?

[Clay]

Its really not a debate. Its your life and your lack of decency in caring for the man that works for you every day and takes care of you. Your lack of emotion when people ask you why destroy this man and you simply respond with this I don't care attitude.

 

The truth is you are who you are and no one is going to change that.

 

Your the kind of woman I will warn my kids about.

 

Clay

[SoulStorm]

I'm not even offended by people thinking I'm evil, I know I'm not.

I know what people consider is right and wrong. I understand right from wrong I just sometimes don't agree.

It's best to leave this one to her own demise. She is closed off to anything that she doesn't agree to. It's best to let experience be the teacher here.

[hayleym]

It's best to leave this one to her own demise. She is closed off to anything that she doesn't agree to. It's best to let experience be the teacher here.

 

I am not closed off to anything at all.

On the very first page of this thread I said that if I had to end it to protect my husband I would. I've said I know that's the right thing to do, and I'm trying to line my actions up with those thoughts but I have overwhelming thoughts about continuing the affair too. It's conflicting and I'm trying to figure it out.

I'm not closed off to anything.

 

But the shaming certain people try to do, I probably do show and 'I don't care attitude'

Doesn't mean I don't care but I am not ashamed, so it doesn't register for me. But I am open to discussion.

[Sub]

It's commendable that you're at least considering an exit strategy at this point. I think the hubris you're exhibiting in regards to parts of your A makes people wonder what the point is, though. That, and the contradiction of saying you want to do what's best for your BH, that you genuinely care for him and your friend, while still carrying on with your friends H.

[harrybrown]

So tell your H already. Start the debate with him. Tell him you are having an affair, rip his heart out of his chest, throw it in the fire. and take a dump on top of it.

 

And tell him you want an open marriage.

 

Your half is open, you might as well make your H know that he should make the entire marriage an open marriage, not just half.

 

You spend your energy, time, and emotions with the POSOM, who cheats on his wife and his "friend". Some friend. So after you give all this to your OM, all that remains is the leftovers for your H and your children.Tell your H so he does not have to have everyone in town laugh behind his back.

 

My wife finally realized that she did become short-tempered with the kids when she had her affair or affairs. She was in the affair fog, saying that she did not short change her children in any way. She would get upset and try to hide the affair. There is only so much of you to go around. Stop giving your children the leftovers, forget about the abuse you are giving your H.

 

Set him free. Let him find someone that actually cares about him. Someday you will realize that your AP has lied to his wife, to you and that you traded down from your H to your AP.

 

How would you like it if your H has an affair, and gave you stds? What are you going to say to your H, when he finds out that you gave him stds from your affair?

[SoulStorm]

I am not ashamed, so it doesn't register for me. But I am open to discussion.

This is your biggest downfall..no remorse. Without it..there is nothing to discuss. If you can't feel empathy..then discussion is pointless. It's like telling a tiger to feel sorry for the gazelle he just caught.

[road]

I am not closed off to anything at all.

On the very first page of this thread I said that if I had to end it to protect my husband I would. I've said I know that's the right thing to do, and I'm trying to line my actions up with those thoughts but I have overwhelming thoughts about continuing the affair too. It's conflicting and I'm trying to figure it out.

I'm not closed off to anything.

 

But the shaming certain people try to do, I probably do show and 'I don't care attitude'

Doesn't mean I don't care but I am not ashamed, so it doesn't register for me. But I am open to discussion.

 

 

 

You have no desire to protect your BH. For as long as the PA goes on the chance of getting caught increase.

 

 

Your only desire is for the OM to bang you.

[hayleym]

You have no desire to protect your BH. For as long as the PA goes on the chance of getting caught increase.

 

 

Your only desire is for the OM to bang you.

 

Nice try, that's far from my only desire. We do a lot more talking than banging, it's been 6 weeks since we've even touched.

[hayleym]

It's commendable that you're at least considering an exit strategy at this point. I think the hubris you're exhibiting in regards to parts of your A makes people wonder what the point is, though. That, and the contradiction of saying you want to do what's best for your BH, that you genuinely care for him and your friend, while still carrying on with your friends H.

 

I care a great deal for all three of them. I'm not in a fog, me and him are very much alike, sometimes it's like talking to yourself. I'm not delusional to think its one of a kind, but for me it's the first connection of this kind and not easy for me to let go.

[Sub]

I care a great deal for all three of them. I'm not in a fog, me and him are very much alike, sometimes it's like talking to yourself. I'm not delusional to think its one of a kind, but for me it's the first connection of this kind and not easy for me to let go.

 

That may be. I'm not in a position to say it would be easy for you or not. It's obviously unfortunate that you found this guy after you got married. I don't think you would have the proper perspective on whether or not you're in a fog until you've moved on, however.