I have a 'meeting' with the OM tomorrow to 'discuss' his failure to adhere to the NC.

[HurtHalo79]

I'm not controlling her, I'm giving her a chance to prove she can be trusted.

[peruano99]

How long was her affair and was her affair physical?

[HurtHalo79]

About 7-8 weeks and it was physical. No sex (as their affair was in work hours/public)....apparently.

[oldshirt]

For some reason I think your wife is liking his attention.

 

I also am unsure she's doing everything possible to repair the damage she's caused to the M.

 

Trust is earned - she should be doing more.

 

I get the feeling she will have contact with him after he leaves the company.

 

Have her take a polygraph - you need to know if she still being deceitful.

 

 

Beach (and others) he gets it. If they want to continue the affair, they will find away. He knows that. He hasn't said anything that indicates he has his head in the sand and is just assuming that the world is all sunshine and roses now.

 

he has to give her a little leeway in order to see if she is going to follow through or not. That doesn't mean he isn't going to keep his eyes and ears open.

 

Sometimes you need to give people a little bit of rope in order to see if they are going hang themselves with it.

 

The term, "trust but verify" means that you give people an opportunity to demonstrate good behavior and give the them the means to do the right thing but at the same time keep your eyes and ears open and be ready to act if they break the deal.

 

He could construct a jail cell in the basement and lock her up for the rest of her life. that would physically keep other dicks out of her jay-jay but it wouldn't show that she "wants" to be with him at all.

 

If you want someone to choose to be with you, you have let them live in the real world to make that choice when other opportunities arise. Either they will make the choice to stay or make the choice to hop on the next bus. either way, it doesn't mean a thing if they are not living in the real world.

[beach]

I'm not controlling her, I'm giving her a chance to prove she can be trusted.

 

Does she know you monitor everything?

[Art_Critic]

A couple of things bother me...

Why would he bother to set up a meeting knowing he was willingly breaking the rules and you were going to rip him a new one ?

 

My answer to that is you have no idea what was in his hand...

You came after him and basically threatened him so you lost your one chance to see why he met with you.. I'd bet 100-1 that your wife has been initiating some contact and he was going to tell you about it to make himself look not so bad.

 

The other issue I have is that you seem to be place almost all the blame and anger on him, you have called him many names, like prick and others but you show no anger toward your wife..

 

I certainly wouldn't want to find myself in your shoes in my marriage and I certainly wouldn't know how I would react but I would hope I would find my wife accountable for her own actions in the mess and would place all the responsibility for correcting it on her and leave him out of it, in the end he is third wheel and once gone are not part of the marriage anymore.

 

That man did not break vows to you that were made by your wife.. your wife did that.

 

I truly hope you can resolve this, I'm a married for life kinda guy myself with a child so I can feel you on sticking it out for your Daughter..

[HurtHalo79]

Hey Art Critic. I set up the meeting as my wife was getting continuously annoyed/flustered by his attempts to keep reaching out to her after she sent the NC letter. I had warned him to stay away prior to the NC, and he evidently didm't think I, or my wife (after the NC) were serious.

 

Trust me mate, my wife has worn my anger for the past 4-5 weeks. I moved out for about 5 days (probably should have been longer, but I need to be there for my daughter as well) and she copped quite a few names/choice expletives. She's not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot. I still have nights where I unleash on her as the hurt continues to billow up. I guess this is normal.

 

I'm confident we can R....but there's still a lot of soul searching and hurt to go.

[beach]

Is your wife in counseling to see why she cheated? To understand how to repair the damage she's caused? And to learn how to communicate her needs so she doesn't go looking for another man to feed her ego again/validate her bad behavior?

[HurtHalo79]

Hi Beach. Yes she is, that's something we both suggested would be best. I think some things are starting to dawn on her.

 

By the way, I think you just summarised the core of why it happened rather succinctly. I simply didn't deserve this level of disrespect.

Edited December 9, 2013 by HurtHalo79

[whichwayisup]

Hi Beach. Yes she is, that's something we both suggested would be best. I think some things are starting to dawn on her.

 

By the way, I think you just summarised the core of why it happened rather succinctly. I simply didn't deserve this level of disrespect.

 

Of course you didn't deserve that level of disrespect, and your wife telling you she didn't know why she did it is an opt out. Really, this is why - She felt good by being desired by someone else, chased, and that guy made her sexy and hot. This has absolutely nothing to do with you, that's the thing, she was able to completely put you out of her head for 7-8 weeks and fool around with him. She was extremely selfish, and in the heat of the moment didn't think of you, your daughter or everything she could lose. All for what? Intense and new feelings that this guy brought out in her?

 

You said they didn't have sex, it is possible they didn't, though I think I mentioned before you should still get tested for STD's.

 

I do hope the OM leaves her alone. Time to change the cell number.

[beach]

I think it's safer to assume she had sex with him.

 

It could have happened anywhere while she said she was working or running errands.

 

If nothing else - she intended to have sex with him.

 

I agree - after he's not at her job any longer - she needs to change her cell number - and any prior means of contact she made available to him in the past.

 

What, exactly, is she learning about herself in counseling? She should be willing to tell you all of the dirty details she's learning to let go of. She should be telling you what she's working on to be a better person/wife/mother and friend to you.

Edited December 9, 2013 by beach

[HurtHalo79]

Absolutely. She swears on our daughter's life that sex didn't happen, and says 'that wasn't the intent or the goal of the affair.' I think we all know where it was going to go though, but I am cognisant of the fact that I can't blame her for something that didn't happen.

 

He isn't communicating with her on her phone (well from what I can tell). They share a work inbox for 4 more days and hopefully that will truly be the end of it.

 

I just had a huge fight with her after work, I asked her whether she still had feelings for him and she said 'no...and I want this whole thing to just go away.' I pressed her for more info as to why this happened (as seems to be a constant refrain) and she told me 'it had felt like YOU had exited the marriage...which contributed to it.' Excuse me?!? You mean the near 2 year marriage where I doted on her, cooked 90% of the time, pulled my weight with housework, did my share of the loving parenting of our daughter, and shared great nights watching movies and drinking wine, cuddling after work and having laughs?

 

Evidently I'm a heartless arsehole?! I hit the roof as I refuse to let het blame this on me. I was blindsided, there was absolutely no pre-cursor to this. She said 'exiting the marriage doesn't mean what you literally think it means.' Oh yeah? Exit normally implies someone has 'left' or is 'leaving' in some fashion. What. The. F£%k.

 

Sorry...venting!

[beach]

Absolutely. She swears on our daughter's life that sex didn't happen, and says 'that wasn't the intent or the goal of the affair.' I think we all know where it was going to go though, but I am cognisant of the fact that I can't blame her for something that didn't happen.

 

He isn't communicating with her on her phone (well from what I can tell). They share a work inbox for 4 more days and hopefully that will truly be the end of it.

 

I just had a huge fight with her after work, I asked her whether she still had feelings for him and she said 'no...and I want this whole thing to just go away.' I pressed her for more info as to why this happened (as seems to be a constant refrain) and she told me 'it had felt like YOU had exited the marriage...which contributed to it.' Excuse me?!? You mean the near 2 year marriage where I doted on her, cooked 90% of the time, pulled my weight with housework, did my share of the loving parenting of our daughter, and shared great nights watching movies and drinking wine, cuddling after work and having laughs?

 

Evidently I'm a heartless arsehole?! I hit the roof as I refuse to let het blame this on me. I was blindsided, there was absolutely no pre-cursor to this. She said 'exiting the marriage doesn't mean what you literally think it means.' Oh yeah? Exit normally implies someone has 'left' or is 'leaving' in some fashion. What. The. F£%k.

 

Sorry...venting!

 

She's not learning enough about herself in counseling - she acts like she's sorry she got caught.

 

I'd be so pissed- I would have had her leave ASAP with a bag.

 

She acts like a spoiled brat that's taking advantage of you.

 

She cheated! That's ALL on her!

 

She doesn't seem very remorseful!

[HurtHalo79]

Yep. I am actually dumbfounded that the words left her mouth.

 

As if I somehow contributed to the affair by somehow subliminally 'checking out of the marriage'....despite even knowing it myself.

 

Just when you think things are getting better eh? I'm tempted to show her what exiting the marriage really means.

[HurtHalo79]

Yep. I am actually dumbfounded that the words left her mouth.

 

As if I somehow contributed to the affair by somehow subliminally 'checking out of the marriage'....despite even knowing it myself.

 

Just when you think things are getting better eh? I'm tempted to show her what exiting the marriage really means.

[TobyBoy]

Yep. I am actually dumbfounded that the words left her mouth.

 

As if I somehow contributed to the affair by somehow subliminally 'checking out of the marriage'....despite even knowing it myself.

 

Just when you think things are getting better eh? I'm tempted to show her what exiting the marriage really means.

From my experience....when a wayward says something stupid like she did, it's usually because of broken NC. Have you consider a polygraph to get the truth?

[beatcuff]

...I pressed her for more info as to why this happened (as seems to be a constant refrain) and she told me 'it had felt like YOU had exited the marriage...which contributed to it.' Excuse me?!? ...

 

I hit the roof as I refuse to let her blame this on me...

 

OP you are at a cross-road and the choices you make now dicates which direction this M heads. AND not the choices you think: R or D. as she has a say as well.

 

while we all appreciate your reaction to her comment: its what SHE FELT, its what SHE THINKS caused her to stray. to ignore or 'bully' her may reinforce what she feels/thinks.

 

it is obvious you are bull rushing NOT LISTENING: you gave up an opportunity to find out what the AP had to say and now your own S.

 

she will retreat do 'anything' to make you happy all the while working on her exit plan.

 

not saying you are wrong just saying if you are looking to R, a real R --- a MC will be very useful as a referee during these discussions.

[goodyblue]

If any person is to a point where they feel a polygraph is needed to stay in a relationship, it is time to walk away. That is ridiculous. If anyone asked me to take a polygraph, I would take it, prove my innocence and then dump his sorry a$$.

[Bryanp]

The fact that she told you these comments indicates that there is more to this story than you know. This is happening after only 2 years being married and you describe what you do for her indicates that is one entitled individual.

 

You picked the wrong woman to marry. There are many other women who would treat you the way you have been treating your wife. Don't waste your life on a woman like your wife who has no appreciation for you whatsoever.

[miguelcervantes]

I think that sudden attack from her was her attempt to justify what she did and this is far from over. You need to get to the bottom of this. And for what its worth I am even more convinced now that she did sleep with him. He has had a taste of it and cannot resist coming back for more. This is not some junior crush where they held hands and smooched.

 

Why did you not go for a poly? You need to get to the bottom of this as it sounds like your wife is still somewhere in la la land.

[whichwayisup]

Absolutely. She swears on our daughter's life that sex didn't happen, and says 'that wasn't the intent or the goal of the affair.' I think we all know where it was going to go though, but I am cognisant of the fact that I can't blame her for something that didn't happen.

 

He isn't communicating with her on her phone (well from what I can tell). They share a work inbox for 4 more days and hopefully that will truly be the end of it.

 

I just had a huge fight with her after work, I asked her whether she still had feelings for him and she said 'no...and I want this whole thing to just go away.' I pressed her for more info as to why this happened (as seems to be a constant refrain) and she told me 'it had felt like YOU had exited the marriage...which contributed to it.' Excuse me?!? You mean the near 2 year marriage where I doted on her, cooked 90% of the time, pulled my weight with housework, did my share of the loving parenting of our daughter, and shared great nights watching movies and drinking wine, cuddling after work and having laughs?

 

Evidently I'm a heartless arsehole?! I hit the roof as I refuse to let het blame this on me. I was blindsided, there was absolutely no pre-cursor to this. She said 'exiting the marriage doesn't mean what you literally think it means.' Oh yeah? Exit normally implies someone has 'left' or is 'leaving' in some fashion. What. The. F£%k.

 

Sorry...venting!

 

This means she's not LOOKING at herself as to why she allowed another man close to her. She's in blame mode still. Hello, if she felt neglected, why didn't she speak up to you back then and TELL you she was feeling lonely or missing you, etc..no, she got selfish and chose to go outside the marriage to fulfill a need to feed her ego and it spun out of control. Most who have affairs don't go looking for it, but they are damn aware of the reasons why the do it - Just not many will admit how ***'ing selfish they are and how they put their spouses out of their heads to do as they please.

[Fluttershy]

Pushing and pushing her for answer is going to get you a blow up like this. And not letting her tell you how she felt at the time or the lies she told herself to justify it will just make her clam up more. It hasn't been long and self awareness is a journey not a destination.

Maybe next time let her tell you how she honestly feels. And then calmly remind her of all the things you did and said and ask her how she could feel you felt that way. When people get angry and confrontational it throws the other person on the defense. Sometimes the mind goes blank and we just lash out. It is hard to take responsibility for terrible actions. You can't control how your wide thinks or feels or what she sees in herself.

I am not talking about being a doormat. I am not talking about lettin her continue inappropriate relationships. I am talking about letting her be honest with you on how she felt pre affair and not attacking her for it. Staying rational and calling her on her sht. Not blowing up and tellin her how she did feel or why she did it.

[HurtHalo79]

Very very true.

 

We made up after it (I had to leave the house for a good 3 hours and catch a movie to calm down), and when I got home she had written about 4-5 pages explaining her feelings and how much she knew I was hurting. She said she took some solace from the fact that she feels she/we aren't living tentatively from hour to hour now, but day to day.

 

Things are going to be rough for a while I fear.

[beach]

Very very true.

 

We made up after it (I had to leave the house for a good 3 hours and catch a movie to calm down), and when I got home she had written about 4-5 pages explaining her feelings and how much she knew I was hurting. She said she took some solace from the fact that she feels she/we aren't living tentatively from hour to hour now, but day to day.

 

Things are going to be rough for a while I fear.

 

Think about it - she said she loved him - and was trying on his last name.

 

That's a gal that is invested in her OM. The possibility that she had sex with him is super high!

 

SHE has splice now???? How nice for her!

 

How about your peace of mind!

 

She's STILL just completely selfish!

 

Kick her out until she starts considering YOUR FEELINGS FIRST!

 

She's too comfortable - and so early in the M and she cheats? I think she'll cheat again if you don't get tougher with her.

[experiencethedevine]

Think about it - she said she loved him - and was trying on his last name.

 

That's a gal that is invested in her OM. The possibility that she had sex with him is super high!

 

SHE has splice now???? How nice for her!

 

How about your peace of mind!

 

She's STILL just completely selfish!

 

Kick her out until she starts considering YOUR FEELINGS FIRST!

 

She's too comfortable - and so early in the M and she cheats? I think she'll cheat again if you don't get tougher with her.

 

 

 

 

I',m afraid I think so too.......................................