I have a 'meeting' with the OM tomorrow to 'discuss' his failure to adhere to the NC.

[HurtHalo79]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I certainly took a lot of it with me in the drive to his work.

 

He was waiting at the bottom of the building (it's at a business park so it wasn't that busy) and I parked out the front. A quick appraisal revealed there was someone watching in the foyer, so I'm glad he used common sense in thay regard, as my rage was building.

 

I told him from the start:

Me: 'What did I and my wife tell you about sending her emails to her private inbox?'

Him: 'You said it was to stop.'

Me: 'And what did you not do dickhead?'

Him: 'Stop.'

Me: 'I suggest you concentrate on yourself and your marriage. Your wife begged me for weeks to send her your email transcripts and I didn't knowing that what you had written about her to my wife would send her over the edge.'

Him: 'Yeah.....it would. '

Me: 'My wife wants nothing to do with you now, and she is stressed by your repeated attempts...while trying to keep things civil until you leave the job and the shared inbox in one week. You won't be friends out of this, and if you conract my wife again for non work reasons, I'll send your nutbag wife the transcripts, before paying you closer attention. Understood?'

Him: 'Understood.'

Me: 'Do you have anything to say?'

Him: 'No.'

Me: 'Good. Now f% £k off.'

 

I hope he's gotten the picture. He was shaking like a leaf the whole time...awwwww.....

[BetrayedH]

Sounds like that went extraordinarily well. It could have been much worse.

 

Only one comment from me...I also held exposure to the OM's wife over his head for a time. But at some point you're going to have to accept that his wife deserves the truth. And keeping the affair at bay via the threat of exposure isn't a great foundation for the marriage. I hope you eventually chose to do as I did, which was to screw the agreement and expose to her anyway. Again, she deserves the truth and you need to know that the affair is over and your wife is staying with you for better reasons than the threat of exposure.

[HurtHalo79]

Oh trust me, the urge to spread his face over his work attire was strong!

 

His wife was the one who told me the affair was going on. She is certifiably nuts (she tried to ring my wife 8 times 2 weeks ago to 'apologise' for telling me about the affair) and as much as I hate the guy, dropping details of things she already knows in her heart is only going to add salt to her wounds.

 

I drove off thinking I could have said more, but he's under no illusions now. He also looks like a baby faced geek....I have no idea why my wife even found him attractive to risk a marriage over. Some days I'm full of hope, and other days I wonder why I don't just give up trying to understand it and just leave.

Edited December 5, 2013 by HurtHalo79

[Realist3]

Oh trust me, the urge to spread his face over his work attire was strong!

 

His wife was the one who told me the affair was going on. She is certifiably nuts (she tried to ring my wife 8 times 2 weeks ago to 'apologise' for telling me about the affair) and as much as I hate the guy, dropping details of things she already knows in her heart is only going to add salt to her wounds.

 

I drove off thinking I could have said more, but he's under no illusions now. He also looks like a baby faced geek....I have no idea why my wife even found him attractive to risk a marriage over. Some days I'm full of hope, and other days I wonder why I don't just give up trying to understand it and just leave.

 

You might want to try and figure that out. And your answer will not come from her. It is within you. She was attracted to the baby faced-geek because he was not you.

[HurtHalo79]

You might want to try and figure that out. And your answer will not come from her. It is within you. She was attracted to the baby faced-geek because he was not you.

 

Sagely advice. She has no idea why she did it now the affair is done and dusted...she is ashamed. And rightfully bloody so.

[ClemsonTigers]

You might want to try and figure that out. And your answer will not come from her. It is within you. She was attracted to the baby faced-geek because he was not you.

 

I disagree. It likely had a lot less to do with you than you'd ever believe. This is/was about her self-medicating her own emptiness, depression, soul sickness, etc. It wasn't about you or at you, so to speak. OM could have been anyone…geek face just happened to be available at the right time and the right place. Whether he was good looking or geeky…really not relevant.

 

The fact he was nervous and shaky is pretty standard. Surprised he had the guts to face you at all. Most OM's talk a big game but usually slink away in the end. Good job confronting him. They usually follow through with staying away once personally confronted with their behavior and specific consequences for continuing misbehavior is laid before them. Your wife will also be proud and enamored with you one day (after withdrawal) for standing up for her and fighting for your family.

[aliveagain]

F**k him, you owe this POS nothing, send copies of everything to his wife, it might come in handy in their divorce. Give him as much respect as he gave you and your family, teach the p**k a lesson, stay away from another man's wife.

[Complexit]

I worry that the most important part of this sad tale has been overlooked: her fantasising about trying his name. In the context of her not having changed her name for you, this should be a deal breaker. Trust me, this is a massive red flag...it strongly suggests that when she meets Mr Right, she'll change her name in a flash. All this 'fighting for her' is inappropriate.

[HurtHalo79]

On the surname issue, I raised this exact question with her tonight. I should fairly state that she is halfway through changing her surname, she has my surname for half of her bills/electoral roll/facebook (if FB means anything) and she admits it's just due to pure laziness. We had a baby within a few months of getting married, a Masters degree finished each and two full time jobs. Not an excuse...but certainly a reason. The paperwork is labourious.

 

Anyway she held both my hands and said she will get the paperwork done asap.

 

I asked her tonight if she really wanted to be married and she declared yes, and that she wanted the chance to re-earn my trust. We're going away for a holiday next week (alone...without a toddler) and I think that will be the litmus test.

 

I don't want to move out and lose any time with my daughter. My wife is doing everything right so far (despite her disgusting behaviour in having the affair) so I have to give her a chance. I have made it abundantly clear that one transgression will mean its all over.

[ChooseTruth]

Sagely advice. She has no idea why she did it now the affair is done and dusted...she is ashamed. And rightfully bloody so.

Yep, too ashamed to admit why which is a bad sign. If you don't face your own faults, how can you fix them? My ex had the same story, it had nothing to do with me and she didn't know why. I pushed and pushed and pushed for why and accepted it when it was all about me. Now I look back and see how stupid that was, because she wasn't even close to telling the truth about what she did, much less why. This is why one of the things I list as a requirement for reconciliation is "looking to see what it was inside of themselves that caused them to do this and fixing it".

 

You can take precautions by being a better person yourself, but if someone is going to use another's faults as a copout reason to cheat, I believe it will happen eventually because. There will always be flaws and downs in a relationship. Using those as a reason to cheat and lie is unacceptable.

[HurtHalo79]

Is the suggestion I leave with no attempt at R, or a temporary break?

[aliveagain]

Is the suggestion I leave with no attempt at R, or a temporary break?

 

I say go for the marriage, save the family but she needs to find out the why with professional help, someone who has experience with infidelity. If you don't find the cause and fix it guess what she is going to do the next time there is a bump in the road. This should be a condition of reconciliation, make her do the work.

[ClemsonTigers]

Is the suggestion I leave with no attempt at R, or a temporary break?

 

No & No

 

First off, the advice and suggestions here are not standard. It's the personal opinion of whomever happens to show up on your thread. Some are divorced, some still married and some may even be single persons.

 

In my opinion, you should try and save your marriage. Marriage is important and worth saving and some marriages (like mine and hundreds of others I personally know) actually thrive after infidelity. Nobody here can tell you whether your wife is worth it. Only you can. I can only say that I feel that people are not disposable. Some people make mistakes that are outside their character, others adjust/change their character while others aren't redeemable as the infidelity was an indication of their lack of or bad character.

 

I say give your wife a chance to repent (change).

 

edit to add: Separation is taking a step towards divorce. If you want to try to fix it, you can't do that while living separately. Your wife is broken right now…she needs your presence…she needs you as an accountability partner….I know you are hurting but she needs you to man up here and fight for her.

Edited December 6, 2013 by ClemsonTigers

[HurtHalo79]

Your wife is broken right now…she needs your presence…she needs you as an accountability partner….I know you are hurting but she needs you to man up here and fight for her.

 

Good posts Clemson/Aliveagain; I'm not going anywhere, although lord knows I have threatened it enough over the past few weeks.

 

We were having a chat about the whole thing last night and my wife stated 'the more time I have spent not talking to him, the more I realise how stupid and utterly abstract this whole thing was. I know I've hurt you, but I need you to give me one chance to prove myself worthy of you and regain your trust.'

 

It's amazing how quickly feelings that seems to blaze with the intensity of a sun disappear as soon as both the WS and OM/W realise that their hidden 'relationships' are built on absolutely nothing.

[jnel921]

If I were your wife, I would have simply delete the emails, left a note on his desk when he is not there and simply write, do not email me! Not signed...as I am sure he would know exactly who wrote it.

 

The more attention you guys give this jerk the more important he feels and he will know this makes you feel some type of way.

 

I wouldn't waste valuable moments in my life for the OP.

 

Its not worth it. Sometimes the best things are left unsaid.

[sidney2718]

Is the suggestion I leave with no attempt at R, or a temporary break?

 

That's not my suggestion. It is clear that your wife has work to do. That's been covered earlier. And you have to get her to do it. Coming clean and being open (both of you) is crucial for the building of trust. And there can be no real R without trust.

 

You seem to want to give her a chance. Do that. But make sure she does what she needs to do, remains open, and treats you decently. You, on the other hand, have to be prepared that the entire thing may fail. If it does, if she violates boundaries that you and she have to set up together, you have to be ready to go. No second chances, no do-overs. This is serious stuff. You don't want to spend years regretting your decision to go for an R.

[Forever Learning]

No & No

 

First off, the advice and suggestions here are not standard. It's the personal opinion of whomever happens to show up on your thread. Some are divorced, some still married and some may even be single persons.

 

In my opinion, you should try and save your marriage. Marriage is important and worth saving and some marriages (like mine and hundreds of others I personally know) actually thrive after infidelity. Nobody here can tell you whether your wife is worth it. Only you can. I can only say that I feel that people are not disposable. Some people make mistakes that are outside their character, others adjust/change their character while others aren't redeemable as the infidelity was an indication of their lack of or bad character.

 

I say give your wife a chance to repent (change).

 

edit to add: Separation is taking a step towards divorce. If you want to try to fix it, you can't do that while living separately. Your wife is broken right now…she needs your presence…she needs you as an accountability partner….I know you are hurting but she needs you to man up here and fight for her.

 

I like this advice. Best of luck on all this, OP.

[HurtHalo79]

Thanks FL, I liked the advice too.

 

It's this clown's last week working the same shared work inbox as my wife before he posts out. While they are seperated geographically workwise, I fully expect this idiot to het sentimental this week and attempt to inundate her private work email with dross.

 

She is under strict guidelines not to respond and she agrees. I'm just interested to see if he had heeded my advice to him in person.

[beach]

What stops them from setting up a new account to communicate? One u won't know about?

[HurtHalo79]

Beach, absolutely nothing except her word she doesn't want to. They can't set up a work one, and I would be able to track it in a heartbeat if she set up another private one...so far so good.

 

At the moment I am trusting her, but verifying everything until I can be 100% sure that I don't need to.

[beach]

Beach, absolutely nothing except her word she doesn't want to. They can't set up a work one, and I would be able to track it in a heartbeat if she set up another private one...so far so good.

 

At the moment I am trusting her, but verifying everything until I can be 100% sure that I don't need to.

 

She may get a throw away second phone? You believing her at this point is foolish.

 

It's too soon to believe her.

[HurtHalo79]

Agreed, but she can call him at work anytime she likes and I wouldn't be any the wiser.

 

She could also be skivving off work and having lunch with him. There are a lot of coulds, but she is complying with everything so far.

[beach]

For some reason I think your wife is liking his attention.

 

I also am unsure she's doing everything possible to repair the damage she's caused to the M.

 

Trust is earned - she should be doing more.

 

I get the feeling she will have contact with him after he leaves the company.

 

Have her take a polygraph - you need to know if she still being deceitful.

[HurtHalo79]

For some reason I think your wife is liking his attention.

 

I also am unsure she's doing everything possible to repair the damage she's caused to the M.

 

Trust is earned - she should be doing more.

 

I get the feeling she will have contact with him after he leaves the company.

 

Have her take a polygraph - you need to know if she still being deceitful.

 

Agree, but she's not in contact with him outside of work matyers thus far. She knows that one slip up in this regard means divorce, as I have no more patience left.

[beach]

Agree, but she's not in contact with him outside of work matyers thus far. She knows that one slip up in this regard means divorce, as I have no more patience left.

 

And you think controlling her every move makes her honest? Makes her not have feelings for him? Makes your M happy? No, it doesn't!

 

She needs counseling to find out why she is so broken inside that she's lie and cheat on you.

 

She needs to grow and see if she really does intend to get honest with herself and see if she really wants to do the hard work to set things right with you without you controlling her.