How long to date before becoming engaged or married?

[Silly_Girl]

I know you are trying to say that your post was about you, but my perception is that you were trying to pass remarks in a roundabout way.

 

I know, I read your post. But I was just confirming that it wasn't.

[Silly_Girl]

My brother was in his late twenties and dating a woman with a lot of emotional issues. At four months, he was already talking about marriage and he gave me the same speech as you; "We are older so we know what we want and we don't need a lot of time." They broke up three years later because my brother's girlfriend did not want to resolve her problems. Can you imagine the disaster that would have followed if my brother married this woman almost immediately?

 

What problems though? Were they evident in the beginning? Or in the first 2 years?

 

We don't have any problems, not ever, and we did a lot of analysing and playing devil's advocate in the time before we got married to really try and thrash it out. It was not all butterflies and hearts and flowers. I was deadly bloody serious about making the right decision. I certainly wasn't letting my heart carry me away. I know a lot of people do though, and I know I definitely have in the past, I'm sorry to say

[Nyla]

What problems though? Were they evident in the beginning? Or in the first 2 years?

 

We don't have any problems, not ever, and we did a lot of analysing and playing devil's advocate in the time before we got married to really try and thrash it out. It was not all butterflies and hearts and flowers. I was deadly bloody serious about making the right decision. I certainly wasn't letting my heart carry me away. I know a lot of people do though, and I know I definitely have in the past, I'm sorry to say

 

She was very selfish and refused to acknowledge her emotional damage from being with a controlling older man in the past.

 

I've never heard of any couple who has no problems or conflict. Nobody gets along all the time; life is not perfect.

 

We've all let our hearts carry us away. Good on you for not doing that with your marriage.

[Silly_Girl]

She was very selfish and refused to acknowledge her emotional damage from being with a controlling older man in the past.

 

I've never heard of any couple who has no problems or conflict. Nobody gets along all the time; life is not perfect.

 

We've all let our hearts carry us away. Good on you for not doing that with your marriage.

 

Nyla, that's a real shame, I wondered whether the signs were there for your brother but he chose to look past them, because I think that's fundamentally the issue for so many people. It's a cliché but ignoring the red flags, it's the worst thing we can do.

 

I agree no couple has no conflict or problems. In 18 months we have twice had a heated conversation, I cried one of those times, both times was maximum one hour and it was resolved or moved on from. It's why I sometimes would worry it's 'too good to be true'. But it is true. And things could get hard at any time, tomorrow even. I'm a realist, but I am determined to savour the best bits - which has so far been every day! It'll get tough when baby comes and we're both working full-time and knackered

[Nyla]

Nyla, that's a real shame, I wondered whether the signs were there for your brother but he chose to look past them, because I think that's fundamentally the issue for so many people. It's a cliché but ignoring the red flags, it's the worst thing we can do.

 

I agree no couple has no conflict or problems. In 18 months we have twice had a heated conversation, I cried one of those times, both times was maximum one hour and it was resolved or moved on from. It's why I sometimes would worry it's 'too good to be true'. But it is true. And things could get hard at any time, tomorrow even. I'm a realist, but I am determined to savour the best bits - which has so far been every day! It'll get tough when baby comes and we're both working full-time and knackered

 

I think that woman said all the right things at the beginning. It was after my brother moved in with her that he noticed how selfish she was. This woman would cook and wash for herself, yet tell my brother he had to do those things for himself. I don't think partners should enjoy doing things for each other.

 

My husband and I used to fight a lot more often than we do now. Instead of crying, I get angry and protect myself. We always patch things up and tell each other how much we cherish one another. We just had a tiff last night and today we were sexting. It is wonderful to be forgiving.

[Lauriebell82]

We got engaged after 2 years and 9 months of dating, got married 1 year and 4 months later. So we were together for 4 years by the time we married.

 

We were both younger when we met though (I was 24, he was 25). I wouldn't say that our relationship/marriage has been perfect, however we have learned more effectively how to communicate with each other and make steps to improve our relationship over the years. I believe that not rushing into marriage allowed us to achieve that.

[stellablue]

Nyla, that's a real shame, I wondered whether the signs were there for your brother but he chose to look past them, because I think that's fundamentally the issue for so many people. It's a cliché but ignoring the red flags, it's the worst thing we can do.

 

I agree no couple has no conflict or problems. In 18 months we have twice had a heated conversation, I cried one of those times, both times was maximum one hour and it was resolved or moved on from. It's why I sometimes would worry it's 'too good to be true'. But it is true. And things could get hard at any time, tomorrow even. I'm a realist, but I am determined to savour the best bits - which has so far been every day! It'll get tough when baby comes and we're both working full-time and knackered

 

There will be fights that can't be resolved and even rough patches. It is not easy being in a committed relationship - it takes work. But it is so worth it and the good times should far outweigh the bad. It is how you handle the unresolvable fights that will help you grow stronger in your relationship.

 

Op - if you are planning on being together forever what's the rush? Enjoy the dating period, enjoy your kids. They'll be getting older soon enough and won't want to hang out with you and you'll have a steady relationship to fall back on.

[newmoon]

I think it depends on your own beliefs and value system, and a lot of other factors including how well you know yourself and what you're looking for, if you are friends with the person first (like lifelong friends), and even what age you are. I can't imagine a couple in their 50s would wait 2 years, get engaged, etc. and follow the same process a young couple would - some factors speed it along. Personally, I don't believe in living together first, so that time frame is eliminated for me - but if you want that, add some years on to your waiting time. Sorry to the men out there, but I'm of the opinion that the sooner a man marries you the better off you are - a guy who is allowed to wait and wait to make it legal might just make you wait forever. 5 months is a good time to start thinking ahead as to whether he will be a suitable partner or not, and I would TELL HIM that you want marriage as an end goal - don't just keep dating without letting it out there.

[Nyla]

I think it depends on your own beliefs and value system, and a lot of other factors including how well you know yourself and what you're looking for, if you are friends with the person first (like lifelong friends), and even what age you are. I can't imagine a couple in their 50s would wait 2 years, get engaged, etc. and follow the same process a young couple would - some factors speed it along. Personally, I don't believe in living together first, so that time frame is eliminated for me - but if you want that, add some years on to your waiting time. Sorry to the men out there, but I'm of the opinion that the sooner a man marries you the better off you are - a guy who is allowed to wait and wait to make it legal might just make you wait forever. 5 months is a good time to start thinking ahead as to whether he will be a suitable partner or not, and I would TELL HIM that you want marriage as an end goal - don't just keep dating without letting it out there.

 

Nobody "makes" a woman wait. Women choose to stay with men who string them along for years. A man who is interested in marriage isn't going to "make" a woman he loves wait forever. It about being on the same page. My husband never lived with a woman before he met me. He took cohabitation very seriously. That is why we were engaged before even three months of living together.

 

Having said that, I don't think it is a smart choice for a woman who wants marriage to become pregnant out of wedlock. If a man is living with a woman and they have a baby, there is no reason for him to get married because he has all the benefits of a husband. I have seen that happen to so many women; they think having a child with a man is bound to lead to marriage. They are sorely disappointed and humiliated when it doesn't happen that way.

 

Other times, some women pressure their kid's fathers to marry them because they are pregnant. The fathers marry because they feel obligated and then the marriage is either very unhappy or doesn't work out.

[ThomasD]

. . . Sorry to the men out there, but I'm of the opinion that the sooner a man marries you the better off you are - a guy who is allowed to wait and wait to make it legal might just make you wait forever. 5 months is a good time to start thinking ahead as to whether he will be a suitable partner or not, and I would TELL HIM that you want marriage as an end goal - don't just keep dating without letting it out there.

It goes for women too: I've known relationships, both ongoing and after the fact, where it looks like the woman will keep house and grant sexual favors but won't marry, never telling the guy that she's actually waiting for a "better offer" to come along.

 

Nyla has a great point about declaring intentions. However, I have a hard time imagining somebody (either boy or girl) saying, "Hey, let's have a meaningless relationship and lots of casual sex for a while, and then we can talk about being life partners." - which seems to be the prevailing standard.

[honeycomb]

We got engaged after four years of being together (three of which were spent living together) and we'll be married a month before our fifth anniversary together.

[carhill]

I am just curious...How long did you date before getting married?

 

My exW and I dated about year until getting engaged and then got married about 8 months after that. We were both 40 during most of our dating period and did not live together until after we were married. If anything, time flew and we lived sixty miles apart while dating.

[jenkruger]

We got engaged after about a year and half and our wedding will take place almost exactly a year since his proposal. I agree with whats been said previously, 5 months is too early.

[soccerrprp]

Told my late wife that I loved her after 2-weeks of dating. Asked her to marry me soon after. Married 9-months after that. I hadn't been dating my late wife for more than 5 months before I popped the question. Had a very good 12+ year marriage.

 

But, if I'm honest, I'd say 5-months is early. I don't regret what I did, but then again, I met an awesome, beautiful, elegant woman that rocked my world.

[ThomasD]

Told my late wife that I loved her after 2-weeks of dating. Asked her to marry me soon after. Married 9-months after that. I hadn't been dating my late wife for more than 5 months before I popped the question. Had a very good 12+ year marriage.

 

But, if I'm honest, I'd say 5-months is early. I don't regret what I did, but then again, I met an awesome, beautiful, elegant woman that rocked my world.

I can only imagine how hard it would be to have a wife or husband die at that point in a marriage.

 

How old were you two when you dated and married?

 

My wife and I wrote to each other for almost 4 months before we met, both age 22. "I love you" about a month to 6 weeks after we started active dating. Engaged after 3 months or a bit more of dating and married 9 months later. That was just a few days more than a year after we first met face-to-face (not counting time writing to each other).

 

Yeah, looking back it seems so quick! It goes against so much advice and "wisdom" you read, but for us it has lasted 39 years and still going.

[soccerrprp]

I can only imagine how hard it would be to have a wife or husband die at that point in a marriage.

 

How old were you two when you dated and married?

 

My wife and I wrote to each other for almost 4 months before we met, both age 22. "I love you" about a month to 6 weeks after we started active dating. Engaged after 3 months or a bit more of dating and married 9 months later. That was just a few days more than a year after we first met face-to-face (not counting time writing to each other).

 

Yeah, looking back it seems so quick! It goes against so much advice and "wisdom" you read, but for us it has lasted 39 years and still going.

 

Congrats to a long and happy marriage!

 

My wife and I met when we were both 31. Her passing was extremely painful indeed. Still pissed in some ways about it. It's been a few years, but some things will never leave my mind, psyche. She gifted me with two beautiful children now 8 and 5. Fricking awesome being a dad! Anyway, life or some passive deity has given me another chance at love and i'm not going to screw that up either.

 

Good luck and hoping for another 30+ years of love for you and your wife.

[ThomasD]

. . . My wife and I met when we were both 31. . . .

By 31 you're supposed to have figured out what you need, and want, in your life partner so a long dating relationship isn't as necessary as it is for younger folks. Hold onto those great memories of the wonderful woman you were married to. Wishing you satisfaction, fulfillment, and a long marriage with your new love!

[soccerrprp]

By 31 you're supposed to have figured out what you need, and want, in your life partner so a long dating relationship isn't as necessary as it is for younger folks. Hold onto those great memories of the wonderful woman you were married to. Wishing you satisfaction, fulfillment, and a long marriage with your new love!

 

Thank you very much! It's tough finding one fabulous woman to share your life with, but, for some reason, I've been given another opportunity with another fabulous woman! I am positive it will be amazing with my new love and you can bet my last penny that I'm going to do what it takes to make certain that happens.

 

If all goes well, I will be asking my current gf on or after Valentines of 2014. Hoping to elope (her idea), but it would be her first wedding, so we'll see.

 

Let me get to the proposal first.....

Edited December 26, 2013 by soccerrprp

[rosedl]

It takes a while to truly get to know someone. The love chemicals that are released in the falling in love phase make it difficult to truly get a clear picture of the person. Five months is to soon.

 

I wouldn't start talking marriage for at least two years.

 

At that point, you have a good understanding of each other. You can certainly discuss the topic of marriage and your ideas around it. But, as for getting engaged and committing to it, give another year and a half.

 

No harm in waiting. A LOT of harm can come from not waiting.

[BHsigh]

I must ask, why get married at all? Is a wedding ceremony really that important to being in a commited long term relationship?

[Silly_Girl]

I must ask, why get married at all? Is a wedding ceremony really that important to being in a commited long term relationship?

 

To some it clearly is.

[PPamgirl]

I can only imagine how hard it would be to have a wife or husband die at that point in a marriage.

 

How old were you two when you dated and married?

 

My wife and I wrote to each other for almost 4 months before we met, both age 22. "I love you" about a month to 6 weeks after we started active dating. Engaged after 3 months or a bit more of dating and married 9 months later. That was just a few days more than a year after we first met face-to-face (not counting time writing to each other).

 

Yeah, looking back it seems so quick! It goes against so much advice and "wisdom" you read, but for us it has lasted 39 years and still going.

 

aww you are so lucky thomas i wish u even more happiness to you and ur wife so romantic the history of you both

[BOREDouttaMymind]

nowadays, 5 months is too short. youre feeling these feelings probably because you want something and hes the closest thing to it.

 

give it time, if you don't rush it, youll end up with it anyways. if you rush it, youll probably lose it.

[SadNLonley]

Please keep in mind we are now broken up, but we were together 3 years and I wanted to get engaged (i never told him that), but his previous relationship was 8 years together before they got married. I would never wait that long, but I guess it depends on the person and how you feel about each other. If you both feel its the right thing to do after a few months then great, go for it. Im a bit skeptical though. To me the first year is all peachy. After that the true person comes out and its not always as great as you thought they were.

[BHsigh]

To some it clearly is.

 

I get that some people like the idea of getting married, I do, and I'm not trying to knock them or say that they are wrong. But to liken not wanting to get married with being unable to commit to a long term relationship is wrong on so many levels.

 

People are saying that "If he doesn't ask in so and so amount of time then leave him and find someone else" and things like that.

 

A ceremony is so important the you would leave a great commited relationship over it? That just seems sad to me, and places the event over the people.