When trust is gone

[pteromom]

He doesn't consider it cheating since they were separated.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't put too much stock into what he considers cheating. Does he consider what he did to you cheating? Does he consider what he did to this other woman cheating?

 

Does his wife know he is sleeping with and seeing other women? (Not that you can trust his answer to that question.)

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

Honestly, I wouldn't put too much stock into what he considers cheating. Does he consider what he did to you cheating? Does he consider what he did to this other woman cheating?

 

Does his wife know he is sleeping with and seeing other women? (Not that you can trust his answer to that question.)

 

His wife really doesn't care what he is doing these days. She really hates him, and he feels the same about her. They no longer live together. He is renting a place from one of my friends and I've loaned hm some furniture for this place. I've been there many times. Trust me. Him and his wife are done.

[Minneloa]

Well, that sounds like a mess. But back to the respect issue: can you see how bizarre it seems for you to say that he respects you?

[KatZee]

There is a relationship guru by the name of Doc Love aka Thomas Hodges who would advocate men to date multiple women...This means technically he is spreading his eggs in all the different baskets.

 

This is not a new tactic. It's called "circular dating."

 

It means you casually date multiple people, in search of the one you feel is the one you'd get serious with and possibly marry down the line.

 

OP and her boyfriend have been together like 6-7 months though. I'm pretty sure they're having sex. He's just a liar and a cheater, not a circular dater.

[pteromom]

His wife really doesn't care what he is doing these days. She really hates him, and he feels the same about her. They no longer live together. He is renting a place from one of my friends and I've loaned hm some furniture for this place. I've been there many times. Trust me. Him and his wife are done.

 

I thought he was sleeping on her couch?

 

I don't blame her for hating him though. Not sure why he hates her... maybe because she wouldn't take him back, or just let him keep sleeping with other women?

[KatZee]

But I've always thought I would walk away if someone cheated.

 

But, now that its happened, I'm just not sure i can. What if he is the love of my life and he never does it again. Maybe I should start another thread asking people if they've ever cheated in a relationship and never cheated again on the same person. Maybe that will help me.

 

I was the same as you. I always thought I'd walk away and never look back if someone cheated on me.

 

Then it happened to me. And I made a decision that some wouldn't make. I stayed.

 

Believe me when I tell you, that if I could go back in time, and beat myself senseless, I WOULD.

 

It was the biggest mistake of my life staying with that guy.

 

Trust me, he's not the "love of your life." Don't you think the love of your life would respect you just a TAD bit more than to cheat on you? Lie to your face?

 

Let's be real here.

[KatZee]

Does the fact that he said all of that and seems truly sorry change any of your minds?

 

No.

 

He's not sorry. He's sorry he got caught. If some woman didn't message you, do you think he would have confessed.

 

I'll let you think about that one for a second.

 

Have you started hysterically laughing yet? If not, you should be.

 

Cheaters are LIARS. He is going to do and say whatever he needs to say, and he's going to say whatever you need to hear right now to get you back.

 

He cheated on you for almost the exact duration of your relationship. It wasn't a one night stand. Was he so sorry, and feeling so bad while he was out screwing this other woman for 4 months? Nope.

 

The only thing that's going to happen here is that he's going to kiss your a.ss for a little while, and then he'll get bored and start straying again. This time though, he's going to take his cheating so far underground that you will NEVER find out about it.

 

Is that how you want to live in a relationship? Paranoid that he's cheating, going to cheat? Paranoid every single time his phone rings? Paranoid he's talking to people via e-mail?

[KatZee]

He treats me with respect.

 

Really? :confused:

 

You may want to whip out your Webster's and recheck the definition of the word "respect."

[Simon Phoenix]

He's not sorry. He's sorry he got caught.

 

This pretty much is the nuts and bolts of the entire situation.

[happydate]

This is not a new tactic. It's called "circular dating."

 

It means you casually date multiple people, in search of the one you feel is the one you'd get serious with and possibly marry down the line.

 

OP and her boyfriend have been together like 6-7 months though. I'm pretty sure they're having sex. He's just a liar and a cheater, not a circular dater.

 

No it's not new cause Thomas Hodges became popular in the early 90s. And I don't think it's not all that uncommon either.

 

There is an open relationship and there is a closed monogamous relationship. This guy is in an open relationship, so it wasn't clear to him that he is in a closed relationship. Why is that? Perhaps the women had let the standards slip a bit and allowed him to treat them like a FWB?

 

That's why I say that you need to make a clear distinction between when you are in an open relationship or not. If he is under the impression that he is in an open relationship, then he does not see what's wrong he cheated, because he will always feel he's in a FWB relationship. F.Y.I -- Some men these days seem prefer an open relationship! Some relationships can start off as a FWB and then progress into a closed relationship. So this guy isn't willing to be in a monogamous relationship, then there is nothing the OP can do to win him. The OP wants to impose her will onto him, but he clearly doesn't want to be in a monogamous relationship. Clearly, the two parties here are equally manipulating each other -- one for sex and the other to hoping that he would be with her and settle down.

 

Cheating involves payback; meaning one party is unhappy with the relationship and is exacting revenge in a desperate attempt to win affection. But this rarely works, because this action is manipulative in nature. That is different from a guy who dates around and find the one that he wants to settle down with and not treat them all like a bunch of FWB sluts!

Edited October 21, 2013 by happydate

[Minneloa]

OP, I imagine that you might be feeling dogpiled on right now. I hope you can see that our collective outrage is in the service of your emotional health and well-being. Simply put, we are desperately trying to help you avoid a disaster (reuniting with this man) that you seem to be minimizing.

 

I understand that this whole situation is a nightmare for you, but please do not make a decision based on your strong feelings towards this person. Rather, take some time to breathe and reflect on all the unanimous feedback you are receiving here (and, if I recall, IRL from your friends): from what you have posted, taking him back would be a colossal, costly mistake.

[h0000]

Please don't hit me KatZee, although I can see why you think I deserve it, I guess!

 

I only have proof it's with this one girl, although there may be others.

 

When I talked to him again today (I know; I'm weak), he did seem truly sorry. He acknowledged his lies and mistake.He says he will do ANYTHING to fix this. That I am the only one for him. That she was a mistake and meant nothing.

 

Does the fact that he said all of that and seems truly sorry change any of your minds?

Im gonna LMAO. For this you want to stay with him??

He also said to the other girl that she is the one!

You should read their message. I bet every sweetest things he ever said to you, he said the same to the other woman.

[reddragon588]

Just curious, but why are you so eager to forgive cheating? Does cheating not bother you? Remember, this wasn't just a one time thing... he was having an extended long-term affair. So when he was telling you "you're the one", he was saying the exact same thing to another woman.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

Just curious, but why are you so eager to forgive cheating? Does cheating not bother you? Remember, this wasn't just a one time thing... he was having an extended long-term affair. So when he was telling you "you're the one", he was saying the exact same thing to another woman.

 

I know this is true. I know because of the details she gave me were almost exactly the same as what he said and did with me.

 

I'm not eager to forgive the cheating. I'm really not. I'm crushed beyond belief. But, I a,so am not ready to walk away. I really think we can work through it. I know it sounds stupid. But our connection, our conversations. If all of that was fake, it's just really hard to wrap my head around.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

OP, I imagine that you might be feeling dogpiled on right now. I hope you can see that our collective outrage is in the service of your emotional health and well-being. Simply put, we are desperately trying to help you avoid a disaster (reuniting with this man) that you seem to be minimizing.

 

I understand that this whole situation is a nightmare for you, but please do not make a decision based on your strong feelings towards this person. Rather, take some time to breathe and reflect on all the unanimous feedback you are receiving here (and, if I recall, IRL from your friends): from what you have posted, taking him back would be a colossal, costly mistake.

 

I'm not going to lie. I kind of do. But I also up understand that it is coming from a place of caring and trying to help.

 

Is there really no chance that this could a actually work out! None at all?

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm not going to lie. I kind of do. But I also up understand that it is coming from a place of caring and trying to help.

 

Is there really no chance that this could a actually work out! None at all?

 

It has about the same chance of success that you would have swimming across the Pacific Ocean.

 

But yeah, people are dogpiling you because you are looking for any reason to justify making a completely horrible decision.

[pteromom]

Is there really no chance that this could a actually work out! None at all?

 

Well, there's ALWAYS a chance. *If* he realizes the gravity of what he did. *If* he's willing to completely commit to you and MEAN it this time. *If* he's actually learned from his cheating and both WANTS and has the CAPABILITY to do better.

 

But... I'd say the odds are very much NOT in your favor. He's got a history of cheating, and had no problem lying to both you and this other woman, over a 4 month period. So it doesn't look good.

 

My fear is that you are going to run back to him based on that 1% chance it may work out, and you are going to have your heart crushed again (potentially with a bonus STD). Because that is the other 99% possibility.

 

If you are really still on the fence, get the messages from the other woman. See what he was telling her. Ask her what evidence she has that there were other women as well. Follow through and get all the information you can. Then see how you feel.

[reddragon588]

I know this is true. I know because of the details she gave me were almost exactly the same as what he said and did with me.

 

I'm not eager to forgive the cheating. I'm really not. I'm crushed beyond belief. But, I a,so am not ready to walk away. I really think we can work through it. I know it sounds stupid. But our connection, our conversations. If all of that was fake, it's just really hard to wrap my head around.

 

well then you have to decide if you are ok with him having had an affair while with you, or you have to decide to walk away. You can't have both. Either you are ok with the affair, or you're walking away. There's no in between.

[Minneloa]

I'm not going to lie. I kind of do. But I also up understand that it is coming from a place of caring and trying to help.

 

Is there really no chance that this could a actually work out! None at all?

 

I would say it's an exceedingly slim chance, given his extended deception and remorse only upon discovery. But it seems that you are in denial, thinking that somehow your situation is different. It's not. It's textbook cheating.

 

I know you are very upset right now, but where is your bottom line? If you don't respect yourself, who will? It has been said countless times on this thread that taking him back will almost inevitably result in another betrayal, and it's hard for me to imagine what would outweigh that risk.

 

Honestly, I don't understand why you would tolerate this sort of fundamental disrespect. His behavior shows contempt for you, not love. Perhaps he is charming and charismatic (you mentioned your connection and conversations) but most cheaters are. It's how they get away with it.

 

I agree with pteromom that you should ask the other woman for the messages. Maybe seeing his actual words (read: lies) will shock you into realizing that this guy is a serious lowlife who does not value you.

[Minneloa]

One more thought: something is wrong with him! By that I mean he has a serious, deeply embedded character flaw that allows him to lie and cheat without discomfort. So, chances of things "working out" are almost nil because THIS IS WHO HE IS. And if you take him back, he might keep his nose clean for a month or two, but he will almost inevitably return to type.

[Minneloa]

OP, agreeing to be in a relationship with him is basically writing him a permission slip that says "You may screw anything else that breathes, because I will put up with it."

 

If that's ok with you, then by all means, go back to him. But you are then condoning any future behaviour.

 

This is EXACTLY what I wanted to say, but so much shorter and pithier!

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

Hi everyone. I've decided to stay with him. We have had very serious conversations over the last few days. He confessed to everything. I knowwatwe have is rally special and no one understands. My best friend is so angry with me. She said she thinks my self esteem is very low,as it took him just a little over a week to convince me to stay.

 

But I really don't think she understands how deep our love is and how strong our connection is. I really think we an work through this since he's now been honest about everything. Am I crazy?

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

One more thought: something is wrong with him! By that I mean he has a serious, deeply embedded character flaw that allows him to lie and cheat without discomfort. So, chances of things "working out" are almost nil because THIS IS WHO HE IS. And if you take him back, he might keep his nose clean for a month or two, but he will almost inevitably return to type.

 

Why do you say "without discomfort"? He seems very sorry. We've talked a lot these last few days. He explained a few things to me about how things actually happened between the two of them. It really helped me work through the doubt. I'm choosing to trust him.

[Simon Phoenix]

Hi everyone. I've decided to stay with him. We have had very serious conversations over the last few days. He confessed to everything. I knowwatwe have is rally special and no one understands. My best friend is so angry with me. She said she thinks my self esteem is very low,as it took him just a little over a week to convince me to stay.

 

But I really don't think she understands how deep our love is and how strong our connection is. I really think we an work through this since he's now been honest about everything. Am I crazy?

 

Yes, you are crazy and absolutely foolish and this was one of the worst decisions you could have ever made. I'm not surprised though, you were basically begging for us to validate this decision on here. All I can say is, you have no right to get mad when he cheats on you again, because that is what you signed up for when you agreed to this. Congrats, you are the female version of a cuckold.

[Zahara]

But I really don't think she understands how deep our love is and how strong our connection is. I really think we an work through this since he's now been honest about everything. Am I crazy?

 

You're projecting how "deep" your love is on him. People who have deep love for one another don't carry out a separate relationship with another in secret. I think you're very delusional. The thing with cheaters, they're very slick with making you believe what they want you to believe.

 

Your friend is right. You see very little value in yourself.