He is abusive but blames me for it

[pteromom]

This is actually a great suggestion. We never discussed the "what now" last night before he left, but I plan to bring it up and state what you've mentioned. Being apart will not mean anything if he thinks he can continue doing the same crap.

 

Yep, and he doesn't move back in until his new therapist gives the OK. His therapist should be able to tell when he has enough control over his anger that it is safe for him to live with you. He won't like this, but you have to protect yourself first.

[xxoo]

I don't understand why you are continuing to date him. He's abusive, and you're pregnant.

 

If he weren't the father of the baby, could you justify dating him?

[pteromom]

I don't understand why you are continuing to date him. He's abusive, and you're pregnant.

 

If he weren't the father of the baby, could you justify dating him?

 

I actually understand - IF and only if he's actually admitting he has an issue and is willing to go get help for it. We'll see if he's just saying pretty words or if his actions will back up what he's saying.

[Arabella]

I don't understand why you are continuing to date him. He's abusive, and you're pregnant.

 

If he weren't the father of the baby, could you justify dating him?

 

That's exactly why. He IS the father of my child. Otherwise I would have walked away a long time ago.

 

Having him at home was toxic, but if he follows through with the things he said, what's the harm? Why not give him the opportunity to show he means it?

[xxoo]

I actually understand - IF and only if he's actually admitting he has an issue and is willing to go get help for it. We'll see if he's just saying pretty words or if his actions will back up what he's saying.

 

I guess I see it as: come and show me after you get help and make some real progress.

 

As a pregnant woman, the OP is not in any position to be the one to help him resolve his current issues. Until he has fixed his problem, he IS a danger. IMO, she should stay away from him.

[xxoo]

That's exactly why. He IS the father of my child. Otherwise I would have walked away a long time ago.

 

Having him at home was toxic, but if he follows through with the things he said, what's the harm? Why not give him the opportunity to show he means it?

 

You have the tie of the child. You don't need to be dating him (intimately involved, being his primary support) to give him the opportunity to show he means it. Let him get his stuff in order and THEN come to you as a healthy partner. He's a grown man.

[Arabella]

You have the tie of the child. You don't need to be dating him (intimately involved, being his primary support) to give him the opportunity to show he means it. Let him get his stuff in order and THEN come to you as a healthy partner. He's a grown man.

 

When I said 'dating again' I more meant just occasionally spend time together and catch up. I actually have no plan or desire to be intimate with him, and I expect him to step it up and do his part in his relationship. He hasn't done that in a long time, as he's become so reliant on the fact that I would do everything for him.

 

I do see your concern. If he cares enough, he should be the one putting in the effort to fix the issues he has... and I expect him to, or he won't be moving back in.

[Art_Critic]

That's exactly why. He IS the father of my child. Otherwise I would have walked away a long time ago.

 

Having him at home was toxic, but if he follows through with the things he said, what's the harm? Why not give him the opportunity to show he means it?

 

I can see how being the father of your child being a reason to not throw it away prematurely.. however this was before the abuse and fear you feel as well as the safety of your baby.

 

The guy is out of control and him being the father at this point is NO reason for any further talk of a future together other than co-parenting.

 

Him following through, like the car incident ? you need to only be worrying about yourself and the baby at this point, him.. he turned out to be a bad apple.

 

Sorry you are going thru this...

[Art_Critic]

When I said 'dating again' I more meant just occasionally spend time together and catch up. I actually have no plan or desire to be intimate with him, and I expect him to step it up and do his part in his relationship. He hasn't done that in a long time, as he's become so reliant on the fact that I would do everything for him.

 

I do see your concern. If he cares enough, he should be the one putting in the effort to fix the issues he has... and I expect him to, or he won't be moving back in.

 

You do have your head wrapped around this pretty good.. be very careful of second chances at this point.. domestic violence and abuse is a tricky thing...

[Art_Critic]

This is a power and control wheel for domestic violence

 

http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf

 

You should make yourself aware of how this affects you.

 

There are also other wheels that are used to help people become aware of the situation they are in..

The Duluth Model - Wheel Gallery

[Arabella]

This is a power and control wheel for domestic violence

 

http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf

 

You should make yourself aware of how this affects you.

 

There are also other wheels that are used to help people become aware of the situation they are in..

The Duluth Model - Wheel Gallery

 

Thanks for these links. I like the wheel concept, it's specific. It actually kind of makes me wonder though... because if I showed it to him, he would definitely say I've done things on it.

 

What makes things like these become abuse? For example:

 

Making someone feel guilty -- During the discussions we had about his betrayal, I'm sure I made him feel guilty for his actions. He betrayed me, wouldn't he have had a reason to feel guilty... or is it abuse?

 

Controlling who he socializes with -- I always ask where/with whom he's going out, and I expect him to be mindful of our schedule when planning things. I don't mind if he goes out, but is this controlling, or am I within my rights?

 

Fine lines...

[pteromom]

What makes things like these become abuse? For example:

 

Making someone feel guilty -- During the discussions we had about his betrayal, I'm sure I made him feel guilty for his actions. He betrayed me, wouldn't he have had a reason to feel guilty... or is it abuse?

 

Talking about something he's done isn't abuse. It crosses the line into abuse if your GOAL is making him feel guilty - not that he feels guilty because he actually did something wrong. That's within him and has nothing to do with what you are saying. So abuse would be saying things like: "You are weak and pathetic. You should be ashamed of yourself! I deserve better than you."

 

Controlling who he socializes with -- I always ask where/with whom he's going out, and I expect him to be mindful of our schedule when planning things. I don't mind if he goes out, but is this controlling, or am I within my rights?

 

Fine lines...

 

Asking him what he's doing, and expecting him to stick to stuff you had planned isn't controlling. Telling him to change his plans, sabotaging his plans, making him feel guilty if he has plans that don't include you, talking crap about his friends and trying to talk him into not being friends with them... that's where it crosses the line - when you are preventing him from being who he wants to be.

[xxoo]

When I said 'dating again' I more meant just occasionally spend time together and catch up. I actually have no plan or desire to be intimate with him, and I expect him to step it up and do his part in his relationship. He hasn't done that in a long time, as he's become so reliant on the fact that I would do everything for him.

 

I do see your concern. If he cares enough, he should be the one putting in the effort to fix the issues he has... and I expect him to, or he won't be moving back in.

 

It's great that you see clearly that he needs to put in the effort.

 

I think you need to have very clear boundaries in your own mind, as well as in practice. When you put in paratheses "like dating again I guess?", my reaction was, "Way too much room for interpretation, esp if YOU aren't even sure what you are doing with him." Make it clear that you aren't going to be his partner until and unless he gets his crap in order.

 

Expecting reasonable consideration regarding schedules and communication is not controlling. I don't even see it as a fine line. Has he taken issue with your approach?

[xxoo]

Another thing:

 

There is a big difference between calling someone out on things they objectively did wrong and making someone feel guilty for things you just subjectively don't approve of.

[Arabella]

I see the difference in these things, but he wouldn't...

 

I'm a planner, and he's the polar opposite -- spur of the moment kind of guy. So, for example, I like to have one day's notice if he's going to be spending an evening out, to make sure I don't plan anything for that time (or plan something that does not involve him, for that matter). He finds this unreasonable and claims that I don't let him go out. Because apparently expecting some amount of notice so I can work MY schedule is unreasonable.

 

Basically, I can't ever schedule anything for us to do anymore because I'm apparently filling his schedule with things (used to do once a week...) and that prevents him from doing what he really wants.... and since he puts no effort into doing anything with me, all we ever did anymore was watch TV.

 

I'm sure if you were to ask him, he would find a million ways of turning around things I said during our arguments and make them be "wrong". Because apparently anything that prompts a negative feeling in him, is "abusive" to him.

 

Kinda makes me angry to think about these things. I'm really going to be taking a step back. Abuse aside, he's been the laziest partner I've ever had.

[Archanaart]

I feel sorry for your child.

 

If he's acting rough with the driving while you're pregnant who is to say he won't be abusive in front of your child. Yes I know its premature for me to say that but I grew up with an abusive household and the abuse started in the beginning of the marriage before the kids were born and continued when as we grew up.

[Arabella]

I feel sorry for your child.

 

If he's acting rough with the driving while you're pregnant who is to say he won't be abusive in front of your child. Yes I know its premature for me to say that but I grew up with an abusive household and the abuse started in the beginning of the marriage before the kids were born and continued when as we grew up.

 

Sorry to hear about your experience It sounds like a pretty terrible way to grow up, and I'm committed to giving my daughter a better future than that.

 

It's not premature to say he will most likely continue doing so once she's born... after all, why would he stop, if I keep putting up with it?

 

I do want our family to work out, but I'm not deluded nor am I willing to put my daughter through that.

[pteromom]

I'm a planner, and he's the polar opposite -- spur of the moment kind of guy. So, for example, I like to have one day's notice if he's going to be spending an evening out, to make sure I don't plan anything for that time (or plan something that does not involve him, for that matter). He finds this unreasonable and claims that I don't let him go out. Because apparently expecting some amount of notice so I can work MY schedule is unreasonable.

 

This is a solvable issue though. Should you move forward and end up living together again, you can have a calendar up with events, and he can put the days he wants to go out alone on there, or he can choose not to go to the scheduled events if he wants. Or you can have specified days you do things together vs. alone (IE, every Thursday evening is his guys-night-out or whatever.)

 

Basically, I can't ever schedule anything for us to do anymore because I'm apparently filling his schedule with things (used to do once a week...) and that prevents him from doing what he really wants.... and since he puts no effort into doing anything with me, all we ever did anymore was watch TV.

 

You can't put your life on hold for his though. Give him the option of joining you, but still do what you want to do.

 

I'm sure if you were to ask him, he would find a million ways of turning around things I said during our arguments and make them be "wrong". Because apparently anything that prompts a negative feeling in him, is "abusive" to him.

 

Claiming "abuse" is just a tactic to shut you down, so the negative feelings he's experiencing stop. Another reason he needs to see a counselor - to learn to accept and work through those negative feelings.

 

Kinda makes me angry to think about these things. I'm really going to be taking a step back. Abuse aside, he's been the laziest partner I've ever had.

 

I think that is wise. You don't want to end up with him simply because you had a child together and you think it is the "right" thing to do. If you don't believe you can create a happy relationship together, what is the point? Life is too short to be miserable!

[pie2]

First off, I'm sorry about the situation you're in. I can only imagine how difficult it must be.

 

The question now is... What to do next?

 

I'd like...to continuing with the counseling.

 

Continuing with counseling is a great idea. I would consider individual counseling at this point.

 

...I realize he's not going to change overnight...

 

This is absolutely where you go wrong, Arabella. You're focus is continually on him, and his need to change. He has NO need to change. He can continue on however he likes, and suffer the consequences.

 

You, on the other hand, MUST learn to accept responsibility for your own actions, and focus on changing your own behavior.

 

PLEASE, I implore you to stop pointing fingers. Yes, he is displaying abusive behaviors. But you thought he was the type of quality man to make a child with . There's something wrong with your approach to men, love, and commitment, as this (similar) pattern has been repeated over and over in your life. I'm not saying that you're responsible for his abusive actions...just the part you played in linking yourself to him forever by creating a child.

 

I've said this before. PLEASE understand that I don't say any of this because I'm judging your decisions. I just really pray for you, and want you to have a more healthy relationship with men, and to take responsibility for yourself. You have a daughter to look after now, and it behooves both of you if you put an end to this pattern of what appears to be codependency. You're a very smart girl, and I think that you can overcome, if you really want to.

 

Best of luck.

[Els]

Arabella, I would have agreed with your plan if you hadn't been pregnant and if it had been the first time that he had shown 'progress'. But it hasn't been. That's exactly what happened last time he showed 'progress', wasn't it? It goes in cycles.

 

I think that, if you are pregnant, you need to consider the well being of your unborn child as well as your own. Which means less risk taking. This man is a risk. Continuing to be with him is a risk. The way he acted the other night, seems that even you being in his physical presence while pregnant is a risk. The reckless driving could easily trigger a miscarriage.

 

Get him to move out, and perhaps tell him that you will give him a fixed amount of time to fix himself (a year, say). When that time is up, then perhaps both of you can talk, see the progress he has made, and consider 'dating' again.

[Arabella]

This is a solvable issue though. Should you move forward and end up living together again, you can have a calendar up with events, and he can put the days he wants to go out alone on there, or he can choose not to go to the scheduled events if he wants. Or you can have specified days you do things together vs. alone (IE, every Thursday evening is his guys-night-out or whatever.)

 

You'd think it would be solvable, right? Your suggestion is actually what I did a long time ago. I set up a calendar app that we both had access to and sync'd with our phones automatically. The issue then became that he simply didn't want to have anything scheduled, period. He wanted to be able to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted... with no regard for anything I might have scheduled. He claimed he was a spur of the moment kind of person and didn't like plans. Okay...

 

So I stopped scheduling anything. No more event tickets, dinner reservations, etc. Result? He didn't come up with anything, so all we ever have done together in the past several months is watch TV. And then he has the nerve of recently telling me that "we haven't done anything fun in a while". WTF...

 

 

You, on the other hand, MUST learn to accept responsibility for your own actions, and focus on changing your own behavior.

 

PLEASE, I implore you to stop pointing fingers. Yes, he is displaying abusive behaviors. But you thought he was the type of quality man to make a child with . There's something wrong with your approach to men, love, and commitment, as this (similar) pattern has been repeated over and over in your life. I'm not saying that you're responsible for his abusive actions...just the part you played in linking yourself to him forever by creating a child.

 

With all due respect, I don't quite understand where this is coming from? I appreciate your comments, but...

 

I made the perfectly conscious choice to have a child with him, and I don't regret that choice based on the information I had at the time. This began after I got pregnant. Even so, he really was/is a good man when he is not behaving like this. His abusive behavior is a new problem to us, and I still believe he can overcome it if he wants to. Whether he wants to or not, it remains to be seen. It also doesn't mean I'm going to continue being his punching bag in the meantime.

 

You also mention a pattern, but I don't believe there is one. The reason why I'm familiar with abusive relationships is because I was in one when I was very young. I was raped, beaten, cheated on, berated... the whole deal. I left him eventually... and I learned a lot about myself and relationships in the meantime. I became a very strong and independent woman, and I had other relationships. I've never allowed that to happen again, but I do see the fact that if I'd allowed my current SO to stay at home, the situation would have escalated quickly. Hence why he's not living with me anymore.

 

...That's exactly what happened last time he showed 'progress', wasn't it? It goes in cycles.

 

...

I think that, if you are pregnant, you need to consider the well being of your unborn child as well as your own. Which means less risk taking. This man is a risk. Continuing to be with him is a risk.

...

Get him to move out, and perhaps tell him that you will give him a fixed amount of time to fix himself.

 

I agree. I gave him a chance for almost two months to show me he could do better, and he didn't. Not only that, but it got worse and he blamed it on me!

 

The last incident in the car really made me snap. The idea that my unborn daughter could have been hurt just sent me into a panic... that he could have done that, knowing full well (because we've talked about it before) what could have happened.

 

He's gone from the apartment now, but we still talk and see each other as needed. I am going to be limiting how much we see each other considerably. If he values me, his daughter, and the family we could have been... he will step it up. If not, I guess I'll be well on my way towards moving on.

[xxoo]

If he values me, his daughter, and the family we could have been... he will step it up. If not, I guess I'll be well on my way towards moving on.

 

Sounds good, Arabella. Stay strong! We're here if you need us (((Arabella)))

[Arabella]

There's something that I've been thinking about a lot...

 

Lots of women raise children by themselves, but how many do it without the support of friends and family?

 

Unfortunately, what little remains of my family is overseas. My mother passed away a year ago, and my father is frail of health and in bad financial situation. I have no real friends, just acquaintances, because I've moved around a lot and have had no social life over the last few years (full time work -and- school). The only people I have in the States who care about me are my ex's mother (who is like a second mother to me... we're that close) and my SO.

 

I make good money, but it's also a very expensive city and I have a lot of student loans to pay off. How am I going to raise a daughter while working full time to support us? I'm not even sure I could afford full-time childcare, and because of my income, I probably don't qualify for any type of assistance.

 

On top of the financial worry... just the sheer amount of work that a newborn is. I won't get paid time off when she's born (just unpaid leave per state law), and there will be nobody here to help me with her. Most childcare places won't even take her until she's 2 months old... but I have to go back to work right away or I won't be able to support us.

 

I am not afraid of leaving my SO if I have to... that much I can manage, even if it breaks my heart in the process. But I am afraid of what happens next

[xxoo]

You are absolutely correct about the need for support from friends and community. That's a good place for you to put your focus in these next few months of pregnancy. Do you know other moms?

 

Start reaching out and making connections. Ask for advice, and you may find solutions to your problems, in addition to making some friends. I know a city like Boston has got to have a lot of groups for working mothers to support each other.

[pteromom]

Lots of women raise children by themselves, but how many do it without the support of friends and family?

 

You can do it. Get on Facebook and find local moms groups. Start meeting moms in your neighborhood. Ask moms at your job what they do and for advice. You will be able to find resources, because there are lots of women in your situation.