Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[KathyM]

I think if the divorce is final, the BS has decided to move on. He is no longer considering reconciliation. To put your life on hold waiting for someone to come back to you after they divorce you is probably holding onto false hope. I think, at this point in the grieving process, and it is a grieving process since she lost her husband, the stage of denial and bargaining needs to progress to the acceptance stage. I don't think it's a good idea to encourage the OP to stay in the denial or bargaining stage at this point.

[toolforgrowth]

To put your life on hold waiting for someone to come back to you after they divorce you is probably holding onto false hope. I think, at this point in the grieving process, and it is a grieving process since she lost her husband, the stage of denial and bargaining needs to progress to the acceptance stage. I don't think it's a good idea to encourage the OP to stay in the denial or bargaining stage at this point.

 

I agree with this to an extent. I've been following this thread for a long time now but abstained from posting until now, so I know the history. I'm aware that Sofie has already been advised to stay single for while. Not just to win her ex-H back, but also to focus on herself. She seemed receptive to that idea, and I think that's darned good advice to follow.

 

I do agree that putting one's life on hold for one person isn't wise, but because of this...

 

It is a bit more complicated than that. His behavior toward Sofie before the divorce became final doesn't at all match up with his behavior now. Of course that may not mean anything. But it also might mean something.

 

...I tend to think that her ex-H does indeed still have some unresolved feelings for Sofie. I know that they went out, had fun, reconnected sexually, etc. I never did any of that with my xWW. We separated and I never touched her again. I gave her no quarter and ended the M once I had confirmation of her affair. I was done. However, her ex-H's behavior has not fit that pattern to date.

 

I honestly believe that he's in "watch and wait" mode, which has been advocated by many people on another online forum I sometimes frequent in these circumstances. I know that if I were in his position, this is exactly what I would be doing. Sofie has expressed remorse and a desire to keep the relationship intact, and my xWW was only capable of a fraction of the amount Sofie's demonstrated. If I hadn't already met who I think is the woman of my dreams and my xWW had behaved how Sofie has, I would have finalized the D just as her ex-H has and watched and waited for her to prove herself in the meantime. As the WS, the onus is on her to prove to him that he is really who she wants.

 

The question is, does she really want him? Only she can answer that, and only she can answer if she's willing to continue trying to prove it to him. I hope that she does.

 

I also understand that there is a time to throw in the towel, but I don't think that time has come yet. I would like to see Sofie continue to work on herself, and show him through her actions that she means it. But if more time goes by with absolutely no indication from her ex-H that he's interested, then this...

 

...needs to progress to the acceptance stage.

 

... would definitely be in order.

 

But I'd like to see Sofie continue to be patient and give it more time.

[ChooseTruth]

It seems like most of the people on here who divorce say it takes just as long to heal as a reconcilation. In some cases longer, as many of them never seem to find proper healing.

 

Yup, divorce makes new wounds in fact that take a long time to heal. You divorce when you don't see any end to the reconciliation and things only getting worse. With divorce you at least know you will eventually heal. Either path is hard. Making a decision and doing one or the other to the best of your judgement is the real challenge, and then living with that decision either way.

[Sofie2013]

Well it turns out my ex hubby’s stress was all worked related. He is/was working on a merger and something went wrong. He actually had to drop the boys off Saturday in afternoon since he had to catch a flight later that night. My kids were disappointed they really didn’t get to see their dad that much this week and overall they don’t spend nearly as much time as they did. Its hurts me because I know what I did is direct cause for that. I know it hurts him just as much.

 

This past weekend made me feel like a complete monsters. I crushed the world of the person I was supposed to love and takecare of and yet I did the exact opposite. He always wanted what was best for us. Everything he ever did was for us and in return he asked for very little. He really would have done anything for me and our kids. We were everything to him and I destroyed everything without a second thought. And yet after everything I have done to him I am still the one the reaps the rewards for his hard work. He’s never done anything deserve the way I treated him in anyway.

[miguelcervantes]

I don't really think anyone can presume to know about the relationship between Sofie and her husband and the feelings they have for one another. We can only advise on the mechanics of divorce, exposure and recovery. We can comment on statistics and likelihoods based on what has gone before and we can offer insight based on our own experiences. But we cannot truly know what he is thinking or feeling for her. And divorce is certainly not the end of these feelings - just the marriage that was (as somebody has already said). I never understood the passion between Liz Taylor (who was overly fiery and short tempered) and Richard Burton (who was one of the great minds of our time and an accomplished linguist) - yet they were drawn back together after infidelity and divorce - more than once (although I am not advising that people should make a habit of this).

 

Keep going Sofie and stay strong and true. Only you will be in a position to decide when the fat lady has truly sung, and for now, in the words of good ole Satchmo, you have all the time in the world!

[BHsigh]

Divorce doesn't mean its over. Why can't you understand that? There are couples who divorce and then date and remarry. Have you never heard of that?

 

That marriage is over. Totally agree. But it doesn't mean Sofie and her (x)hubby are over. Sofie doesn't have to stop loving him or stop wanting to reconcile. That is her right. She isn't pushing herself on him, she isn't stalking him, she isn't insisting they try again. She is moving forward with her life...while still loving him and hoping for a 2nd chance.

 

My brother and his wife divorced. Two years later, they remarried. No infidelity, but some other serious issues were involved.

 

I don't get why you are so hard against Sofie holding out hope. I also don't appreciate being talked to like I am stupid or I can't read. You have your view and that's great. But, I am entitled to mine too and just because you disagree doesn't mean my view is invalid or wrong.

 

It is obvious to anyone who reads Sofie's posts that she loves her (x)hubby a lot and wants another chance with him. She messed up, she admitted and she is working on herself. Her spouse never said he didn't love her anymore. He is hurt by her actions. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love her or that he won't give her a 2nd chance.

 

I have heard of that, but to imply that her ex is leaving her hanging and waiting for an answer is kind of silly after he divorced her. He doesn't owe her any more explanation than that, if he decides that he wants her back, then he will tell her, why in the world would he need to tell her again that he's leaving her.

 

And I don't think that Sophie should lose hope, not at all, but I don't want her to think that her ex needs to drop the bologna and tell her that he wants to leave her either.

 

And how in the world did I talk to you like you were stupid? I certainly don't think that you are and I apologize if it came across that way.

[xAkulax]

Yup, divorce makes new wounds in fact that take a long time to heal. You divorce when you don't see any end to the reconciliation and things only getting worse. With divorce you at least know you will eventually heal. Either path is hard. Making a decision and doing one or the other to the best of your judgement is the real challenge, and then living with that decision either way.

 

 

 

Sorry this is not true it depends on the individual person and there marriage for some the act of divorce can be healing process on its own ending and distancing them self from the source of their of their pain.. I know of many men and women who have ended their failed marriage and have felt ten times better after divorce.

[ChooseTruth]

Sorry this is not true it depends on the individual person and there marriage for some the act of divorce can be healing process on its own ending and distancing them self from the source of their of their pain.. I know of many men and women who have ended their failed marriage and have felt ten times better after divorce.

 

Yes, like I was saying, divorce makes it possible to heal from a failed marriage that wasn't getting better. Doesn't make it instant though, but I agree it depends on the person. It also depends on the divorce and how cooperate it is.

 

In Sophie's case, things seemed to be looking up. Now maybe we know it's not as bad as Sophie wasn't making it out to be. He's just been working his @ss off?

[sidney2718]

Well it turns out my ex hubby’s stress was all worked related. He is/was working on a merger and something went wrong. He actually had to drop the boys off Saturday in afternoon since he had to catch a flight later that night. My kids were disappointed they really didn’t get to see their dad that much this week and overall they don’t spend nearly as much time as they did. Its hurts me because I know what I did is direct cause for that. I know it hurts him just as much.

 

This past weekend made me feel like a complete monsters. I crushed the world of the person I was supposed to love and takecare of and yet I did the exact opposite. He always wanted what was best for us. Everything he ever did was for us and in return he asked for very little. He really would have done anything for me and our kids. We were everything to him and I destroyed everything without a second thought. And yet after everything I have done to him I am still the one the reaps the rewards for his hard work. He’s never done anything deserve the way I treated him in anyway.

 

Hang in there Sofie! Don't descend into despair. As for your ex-husband, perhaps when the stress of his job settles down, you could give him a bit of extra time with your kids. I think he might appreciate that.

[sidney2718]

Yes, like I was saying, divorce makes it possible to heal from a failed marriage that wasn't getting better. Doesn't make it instant though, but I agree it depends on the person. It also depends on the divorce and how cooperate it is.

 

In Sophie's case, things seemed to be looking up. Now maybe we know it's not as bad as Sophie wasn't making it out to be. He's just been working his @ss off?

 

Agreed. The one advantage of a divorce is that it gives the divorced couple a chance to start all over again with a clean slate if they wish. That isn't rug sweeping the affair or anything like that. The divorce put paid to all that.

[Striver]

I've read all the posts here, and Sofie does need to mainly work on herself. Her xH is going to control whether anything new happens there.

 

Sofie has been forthright in her posts, but in truth her marriage was already over before she made her first post. To be honest, the Sofie that had the A seems like she was spoiled, complacent, and overconfident. I'm not sure what good MC would do for them since it seems like they had a good marriage before the A. The A and the fact that xH had to stop it, and the month that Sofie wasted after that, are 100% responsible for ending the M. Sofie's contrition, timelining, etc. were too late.

 

This is all her cross to bear now and she has to accept it. I had my own cross to bear in life that kept me alone and out of relationships until my late 30s. Other people had something to do with that, but cleanup ultimately fell on me if I wanted a wife and family.

 

Sofie needs to work hard on herself and make sure the Sofie that had the A is replaced by a new Sofie. She has limited to no control over xH.

[Fluttershy]

I've read all the posts here, and Sofie does need to mainly work on herself. Her xH is going to control whether anything new happens there.

 

Sofie has been forthright in her posts, but in truth her marriage was already over before she made her first post. To be honest, the Sofie that had the A seems like she was spoiled, complacent, and overconfident. I'm not sure what good MC would do for them since it seems like they had a good marriage before the A. The A and the fact that xH had to stop it, and the month that Sofie wasted after that, are 100% responsible for ending the M. Sofie's contrition, timelining, etc. were too late.

 

This is all her cross to bear now and she has to accept it. I had my own cross to bear in life that kept me alone and out of relationships until my late 30s. Other people had something to do with that, but cleanup ultimately fell on me if I wanted a wife and family.

 

Sofie needs to work hard on herself and make sure the Sofie that had the A is replaced by a new Sofie. She has limited to no control over xH.

 

There marriage couldn't have been that good and that wasn't all sophie's fault. I don't think this is a case of a bad marriage being in the mix but as her H said the marriage wasn't doing well long before she cheated. And yet he never communicated to me. This is why I do think he went through with the D also. He was already unhappy with the state of his marriage. And then Sophie put te bails on the coffin.

[Fluttershy]

Agreed. The one advantage of a divorce is that it gives the divorced couple a chance to start all over again with a clean slate if they wish. That isn't rug sweeping the affair or anything like that. The divorce put paid to all that.

 

I have seen too many times where D is used as rugsweeping. Get rid of the "problem" and you will be okay. For sure not everyone but on relationship boards and IRL it is so common.

 

BS divorces WS. BS "moves on". BS starts a new relationship and because they never did anythinf but D in te first one they suddenly have to face their demons with trust and what not.

 

Obviously some people have no problem cutting out the person they loved fro x amount of years without a second though. But for others their love isn't so easily destroyed.

[fallingdown2013]

There marriage couldn't have been that good and that wasn't all sophie's fault. I don't think this is a case of a bad marriage being in the mix but as her H said the marriage wasn't doing well long before she cheated. And yet he never communicated to me. This is why I do think he went through with the D also. He was already unhappy with the state of his marriage. And then Sophie put te bails on the coffin.

 

Every marriage has problems, even the good ones. In my opinion, the affair wasn't just some final act that pushed this marriage over a cliff. It was the act. Some spouses will get over infidelity, while others won't. Choosing to divorce and move on with your life can be just as hard as choosing to reconcile and work on your marriage. Neither choice is right or wrong and it's just a personal decision. In this case, the husband even attended one MC session with Sophie. He only refused to discuss what he felt during her affair and why he didn't confront her. Those were his personal feelings and he had every right to keep them to himself.

[xAkulax]

I have seen too many times where D is used as rug sweeping. Get rid of the "problem" and you will be okay. .

 

Rug sweeping the act of forgiving a wayward spouse for the affair too quickly and trying to reconcile with the Wayward and move on and put the affair behind them BS’s rug sweep because they are in shock and denial.

 

 

 

 

Divorce is not a from rug sweeping divorce is the complete opposite its the realization that the person you thought you married is not what you thought they where. Yes every marriage has its problems but both party have a voice if there is something wrong then someone should speak up and try to solve it respectfully..

 

 

Cheating is just running from the problem if there even truly is a problem

[janedoe67]

Rug sweeping the act of forgiving a wayward spouse for the affair too quickly and trying to reconcile with the Wayward and move on and put the affair behind them BS’s rug sweep because they are in shock and denial.

 

 

 

 

Divorce is not a from rug sweeping divorce is the complete opposite its the realization that the person you thought you married is not what you thought they where. Yes every marriage has its problems but both party have a voice if there is something wrong then someone should speak up and try to solve it respectfully..

 

 

Cheating is just running from the problem if there even truly is a problem

 

Actually there are no "always" or "never" situations in this thing. The individual's own motive determines what is rug-sweeping and what isn't.

[xAkulax]

Actually there are no "always" or "never" situations in this thing. The individual's own motive determines what is rug-sweeping and what isn't.

 

 

If you say so but I respectfully disagree.

[Striver]

Every marriage has problems, even the good ones. In my opinion, the affair wasn't just some final act that pushed this marriage over a cliff. It was the act. Some spouses will get over infidelity, while others won't. Choosing to divorce and move on with your life can be just as hard as choosing to reconcile and work on your marriage. Neither choice is right or wrong and it's just a personal decision. In this case, the husband even attended one MC session with Sophie. He only refused to discuss what he felt during her affair and why he didn't confront her. Those were his personal feelings and he had every right to keep them to himself.

 

From what Sofie has written, she mentioned them being "in a rut", and that xH was working more, although they both agreed to that. I think most of the distancing occurred after A had started.

 

Some of the reasons Sofie gave for the A (what she thought while it was happening)

 

What H doesn't know won't hurt him

I'm being careful and won't get caught

The attention is flattering and exciting

H and I have been through so much, there will be fallout but our marriage will survive

When things escalated she was for some reason generally okay with increased flirting, lunch dates, everything up to sex, then sex happened and it was too late

 

Since A she ditched AP with no apparent problems and has been remorseful, but to date it was too much damage for xH.

 

I don't want to beat up on Sofie. I think there's some chance that any of us could cheat at any point in our marriages. It's a temptation and a risk and we always have to be wary. People cheat in happy marriages, people cheat who aren't serial cheaters but just run into a weak moment. Maybe that's what happened to Sofie, and I suppose it could happen to any of us. All Sofie can do right now is take what she did and learn what she can from it. She's hopefully got many years of life in front of her, and many chances to do good things for others and herself.

[Fluttershy]

Rug sweeping the act of forgiving a wayward spouse for the affair too quickly and trying to reconcile with the Wayward and move on and put the affair behind them BS’s rug sweep because they are in shock and denial.

 

 

 

 

Divorce is not a from rug sweeping divorce is the complete opposite its the realization that the person you thought you married is not what you thought they where. Yes every marriage has its problems but both party have a voice if there is something wrong then someone should speak up and try to solve it respectfully..

 

 

Cheating is just running from the problem if there even truly is a problem

 

BS. I have seen it with my own eyes. Just because you divorce doesn't mean you don't rugsweep. Rugsweeping isn't just applicable to affairs even. Rugsweeping is burrying a problem where it can't be seen. Not dealing with it. The method one uses can be divorce or it can be false reconciliation. D doesn't take any special bravery for every person. Some people are divorce happy. I know a woman who isn't thirty yet and has een divorced twice. Guess what? She rug sweeps the issues and gives up.

 

Jane is right. You can't make absolutes about D or R. Each situation is unique.

[Fluttershy]

Every marriage has problems, even the good ones. In my opinion, the affair wasn't just some final act that pushed this marriage over a cliff. It was the act. Some spouses will get over infidelity, while others won't. Choosing to divorce and move on with your life can be just as hard as choosing to reconcile and work on your marriage. Neither choice is right or wrong and it's just a personal decision. In this case, the husband even attended one MC session with Sophie. He only refused to discuss what he felt during her affair and why he didn't confront her. Those were his personal feelings and he had every right to keep them to himself.

 

I don't disagree. I was merely stating that by her H's own confession efore the affair even happened he was not happy woth the state of the marriage.

[KathyM]

I have seen too many times where D is used as rugsweeping. Get rid of the "problem" and you will be okay. For sure not everyone but on relationship boards and IRL it is so common.

 

BS divorces WS. BS "moves on". BS starts a new relationship and because they never did anythinf but D in te first one they suddenly have to face their demons with trust and what not.

 

Obviously some people have no problem cutting out the person they loved fro x amount of years without a second though. But for others their love isn't so easily destroyed.

Divorce is NOT rugsweeping. Rugsweeping an affair is pretending it didn't happen or refusing to deal with it by sweeping it under the rug. Both the WS and the BS sometimes do this after an affair. Going through with a divorce is not rugsweeping. It is one way that a lot of BS's deal with infidelity, because they realize that, for them, the marriage is over. It is not refusing to deal with the infidelity. It is their way of dealing with the infidelity. They realize that their ability to connect with and trust their spouse again is lost. A lot of BS's, if not all, WILL have trust issues as a result of being betrayed. Some may get therapy for it. Some may find their difficulty trusting a partner will impact future relationships. But lost trust is not the same as rugsweeping. Rugsweeping refers to pretending the affair did not happen, or refusing to discuss it, and then carrying on as if it did not happen. Divorce, on the other hand, is many people's way of moving on from the infidelity by acknowledging that the relationship is over.

 

 

As far as throwing away a marriage so easily by divorcing, divorce is a very difficult decision to make, very painful, and I highly doubt anyone is making that decision lightly, or throwing away their love on a whim. Infidelity is the most destructive thing a person can do to a partner. You act like the BS decided to divorce because their spouse burnt the dinner. Please don't minimize the feelings, pain, ambivalence and agony that the BS goes through when faced with the decision on whether or not to stay in the marriage. It's really not fair for you to imply that a BS throws away their marriage on a whim, or that they didn't love or care about the WS, or that they didn't give it a second thought when they decided to divorce.

[xAkulax]

BS. I have seen it with my own eyes. Just because you divorce doesn't mean you don't rugsweep. Rugsweeping isn't just applicable to affairs even. Rugsweeping is burrying a problem where it can't be seen. Not dealing with it. The method one uses can be divorce or it can be false reconciliation. D doesn't take any special bravery for every person. Some people are divorce happy. I know a woman who isn't thirty yet and has een divorced twice. Guess what? She rug sweeps the issues and gives up.

 

Jane is right. You can't make absolutes about D or R. Each situation is unique.

 

 

 

Again If you say so but I respectfully disagree.What I posted is my personal opinion just like yours and if you disagree with me that fine I just don't see it that way

[Fluttershy]

Divorce is NOT rugsweeping. Rugsweeping an affair is pretending it didn't happen or refusing to deal with it by sweeping it under the rug. Both the WS and the BS sometimes do this after an affair. Going through with a divorce is not rugsweeping. It is one way that a lot of BS's deal with infidelity, because they realize that, for them, the marriage is over. It is not refusing to deal with the infidelity. It is their way of dealing with the infidelity. They realize that their ability to connect with and trust their spouse again is lost. A lot of BS's, if not all, WILL have trust issues as a result of being betrayed. Some may get therapy for it. Some may find their difficulty trusting a partner will impact future relationships. But lost trust is not the same as rugsweeping. Rugsweeping refers to pretending the affair did not happen, or refusing to discuss it, and then carrying on as if it did not happen. Divorce, on the other hand, is many people's way of moving on from the infidelity by acknowledging that the relationship is over.

 

 

As far as throwing away a marriage so easily by divorcing, divorce is a very difficult decision to make, very painful, and I highly doubt anyone is making that decision lightly, or throwing away their love on a whim. Infidelity is the most destructive thing a person can do to a partner. You act like the BS decided to divorce because their spouse burnt the dinner. Please don't minimize the feelings, pain, ambivalence and agony that the BS goes through when faced with the decision on whether or not to stay in the marriage. It's really not fair for you to imply that a BS throws away their marriage on a whim, or that they didn't love or care about the WS, or that they didn't give it a second thought when they decided to divorce.

 

I am not minimizing anything. I was merely pointing out that for some people D isn't a hard choice or difficult. Obviously it is for most but every rule has an exception. I know this person who is on relationship 3 and she is a close family member and trust me. Divorce is an easy choice for her. Deny t all you want but that doesn't make my statment untrue.

 

Infidelity is a huge problem with people. Always has been and always will be. And I wasn't meaning people "rugsweep" the affair. They rugsweep their emotions, the trauma, the reality, the chance to learn and grow. There are people who are surprised that the divorce didn't make the ugliness and pain go away because it doesn't for everyone. They basically swept being cheated on and the WS under a rug and moved on woth their life. Only to later learn they still have feelings to sort out and deal eith.

 

It boggles my mind how many people think certain actions are a monopoly. Situations are varied.

[Fluttershy]

Again If you say so but I respectfully disagree.What I posted is my personal opinion just like yours and if you disagree with me that fine I just don't see it that way

 

So do you think the term rugsweeping is only allowed to be used when dealing with infedility and can only be used in that sense to describe pretending the A never happened?

[xAkulax]

Divorce is NOT rugsweeping. Rugsweeping an affair is pretending it didn't happen or refusing to deal with it by sweeping it under the rug. Both the WS and the BS sometimes do this after an affair. Going through with a divorce is not rugsweeping. It is one way that a lot of BS's deal with infidelity, because they realize that, for them, the marriage is over. It is not refusing to deal with the infidelity. It is their way of dealing with the infidelity. They realize that their ability to connect with and trust their spouse again is lost. A lot of BS's, if not all, WILL have trust issues as a result of being betrayed. Some may get therapy for it. Some may find their difficulty trusting a partner will impact future relationships. But lost trust is not the same as rugsweeping. Rugsweeping refers to pretending the affair did not happen, or refusing to discuss it, and then carrying on as if it did not happen. Divorce, on the other hand, is many people's way of moving on from the infidelity by acknowledging that the relationship is over.

 

 

As far as throwing away a marriage so easily by divorcing, divorce is a very difficult decision to make, very painful, and I highly doubt anyone is making that decision lightly, or throwing away their love on a whim. Infidelity is the most destructive thing a person can do to a partner. You act like the BS decided to divorce because their spouse burnt the dinner. Please don't minimize the feelings, pain, ambivalence and agony that the BS goes through when faced with the decision on whether or not to stay in the marriage. It's really not fair for you to imply that a BS throws away their marriage on a whim, or that they didn't love or care about the WS, or that they didn't give it a second thought when they decided to divorce.

 

 

Exactly what I have been saying KathyM your spot on