Author Sofie2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 What reasons did you use in asking him, why did he say he was agreeing in slowing down? This sounds positive to me. I told I need time to process everything and I promise to not make anything changes to his original offer. His reasons for agreeing were for one it would save him money and it would be a lot easier for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I have been on this side of the fence in my past and I think in light of all that you and your husband has gone through he still does love you. A lot of people do not realize or even understand you don't just shut those feelings down. While you were falling in love with someone else and loosing feelings for him he was still very much in love with you. Then this wreck took place and he is having a hard time in his own mind with how to deal with it. Not to mention you are showing genuine remorse and respect towards him. In my situation I knew she was in bed with the OM and I still tried being decent in our divorce and give her things. She did not show remorse and just blamed me so it made it incredibly difficult to deal with and my new found role to single parent of four kids. I do not think Shock would be a word I would use for this. I think Trauma is close to describe it. Its been six years for me since and I can tell you I still have nightmares coupled with times of sadness. You are right just give him time and maybe there is hope for you and your husband. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 My Ex mm wife (my friend) sent me an email a few minutes ago asking if we could meet. I haven’t answered back yet. I don’t even know if I should meet her and I don’t know why she wants to meet the last time I saw and talked to her she was very clear she no longer wanted to see me. I know I hurt her and I feel bad for the way our friendship end and for the pain I caused her. I feel like right now seeing her isn’t the best for me. I really want to forget about what happened then and focus on what I am trying to do now . A lot of are probably going to say I should go see her. I just don’t see how this could help either one of us it’s just going to cause her more pain. Link to post Share on other sites
lindsay1990 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I'm an alarmist I know but I wouldn't meet her. What if she's plotting to hurt you/kill you? Seriously, you never know. Also, you did your part with her. For your own family's sake you should just stay NC with either of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 My Ex mm wife (my friend) sent me an email a few minutes ago asking if we could meet. I haven’t answered back yet. I don’t even know if I should meet her and I don’t know why she wants to meet the last time I saw and talked to her she was very clear she no longer wanted to see me. I know I hurt her and I feel bad for the way our friendship end and for the pain I caused her. I feel like right now seeing her isn’t the best for me. I really want to forget about what happened then and focus on what I am trying to do now . A lot of are probably going to say I should go see her. I just don’t see how this could help either one of us it’s just going to cause her more pain. Problem is, she probably has questions that she needs answered and your OM is probably lying his ass off. Thing is, you were honest with her once, she's probably coming to you to get the straight scoop; the truth. She's probably suffering a lot of mind movies. I'm just speculating. I'm not telling you to contact her or not to contact her....I'm just giving you some idea's why she may be contacting you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 I'm an alarmist I know but I wouldn't meet her. What if she's plotting to hurt you/kill you? Seriously, you never know. Also, you did your part with her. For your own family's sake you should just stay NC with either of them. I don’t think she going to hurt me or anything like that I do think you’re right it might be best just to continue to stay NC with the both of them 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I'm going to go against the grain and say you should meet with her. Even though you are hesitant about doing it, I think providing her the truth is the kind and helpful thing to do for you both at this point. I do think there should be a limit to it. After this meeting, if you decide to go, maybe let her know that it would be best if there was no furhter contact for both of your sakes. But for now, I think this is a great opportunity for both of you to heal. And you have to admit, it's the least you can do since you did meet with her initially and blew up her world by disclosing the affair. You could at least give her some answers now that she has likely calmed down enough to think of some questions to ask you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Problem is, she probably has questions that she needs answered and your OM is probably lying his ass off. Thing is, you were honest with her once, she's probably coming to you to get the straight scoop; the truth. She's probably suffering a lot of mind movies. I'm just speculating. I'm not telling you to contact her or not to contact her....I'm just giving you some idea's why she may be contacting you. Last I heard was she kicked him out and heading towards a divorce. This wasn’t ex mm first affair so she done with him so I heard. Don’t see why she would need to talk to me he already proven to be cheater. I did tell if she very wanted to talk she could call. I guess I owe her that much 1 Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Maybe tell her you cant meet but would be willing to talk over the phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Last I heard was she kicked him out and heading towards a divorce. This wasn’t ex mm first affair so she done with him so I heard. Don’t see why she would need to talk to me he already proven to be cheater. I did tell if she very wanted to talk she could call. I guess I owe her that much No disrespect to you, but cheaters are incredibly good liars. It wouldn't surprise me if OM is trying to worm his way back into her life and back into her home. He might be slinging some crap to her that's making her second guess herself (and she might be considering it). So, before she makes a move, she may be doing some fact checking on what he's saying against what you have to say. Again, speculation....but a strong theory. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 And you have to admit, it's the least you can do since you did meet with her initially and blew up her world by disclosing the affair. You could at least give her some answers now that she has likely calmed down enough to think of some questions to ask you. My question is....how long does this mindset last? Sofie made the very honorable move of meeting her face to face and telling her the truth. Sofie's own family is in quite a bit of upheaval. Wil she be indefinitely beholden to the W because, since she cheated, it's the least she can do? This always concerns me, just like it concerns me when a BS posts on a forum and suddenly, in the midst of their pain, the main focus of posters becomes "when are you going to tell the other BS??? They deserve to know!!" (that mainly happens elsewhere) I would ask plainly what she would like to talk about. If all she needs is some additional truth, that can be done over the phone. Your kids, your own healing, and your work with the hope that your H's heart wil soften come first IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 My question is....how long does this mindset last? Sofie made the very honorable move of meeting her face to face and telling her the truth. Sofie's own family is in quite a bit of upheaval. Wil she be indefinitely beholden to the W because, since she cheated, it's the least she can do? This always concerns me, just like it concerns me when a BS posts on a forum and suddenly, in the midst of their pain, the main focus of posters becomes "when are you going to tell the other BS??? They deserve to know!!" (that mainly happens elsewhere) I would ask plainly what she would like to talk about. If all she needs is some additional truth, that can be done over the phone. Your kids, your own healing, and your work with the hope that your H's heart wil soften come first IMO. This is why I also wrote that Sofie could say that this should be the last meeting before permanent NC. The reason that many BSs probably would feel it's the least she could do is because when a BS initially discovers an affair or is told of an affair, the first reactions are SHOCK and DISBELIEF. You can't ask rational questions or be logical at the time of such severe emotional impact. But after some time passes and the emotional whirlwind dies down a BS can actually really think. That is the time when they will want and deserve some answers. I don't think it's a neverending proccess, but a one time meeting for BS to get some answers about what happened between Sofie and BSs husband is something she deservesm especially seeing that Sofie was the one to disclose the affair and was once her friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 My question is....how long does this mindset last? Sofie made the very honorable move of meeting her face to face and telling her the truth. Sofie's own family is in quite a bit of upheaval. Wil she be indefinitely beholden to the W because, since she cheated, it's the least she can do? Is it the least she can do? Yep! It is, her and the OM caused this woman's pain. Should it be indefinite? No, it won't be. You have to remember, the last time Sophie talked to her was to expose their affair to her. The OMW was probably in shock and in denial, probably asked very BASIC questions just to confirm if what she was saying to her was actually true. The OMW might not even remember too much of what was said due to this shock. So, now that she's getting her life in order, now she wants to know the who, what, where and why? Now, just like Sophie's own husband did the other day, is strong enough to ask those hard questions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lindsay1990 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I'm thinking also it might look terrible to your husband, like: - If you're telling her the truth, it may be construed as if you are hurt by your exMM and trying to hurt him back. Or that you are still keeping tabs on them or whatever. - IF you say you're trying to 'help' her, as your husband I would be pissed off and say "Don't you think you've done enough??" - Or, your husband might think your loyalty is still placed with your exMM and you are trying to somehow help him, interceding for him or defending him. - In the case where you are discovered to be maintaining contact with this woman, it will be like you are being CAUGHT AGAIN with these people. And say if you were to 'ask' your husband for permission to speak with her, he'd be like "why?" if you say "To explain xxxx"... as your husband I'd be like "There's nothing to explain". It would sound like justifying in some way. So advice if definitely stay NC. Every man and woman for themselves now, Sofie. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Sofie Maybe talking this through with your husband will help you decide whether or not to speak to her. In your work to be completely transparent and honest with him, I think it would be wise to let him know of this new turn of events before you act. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I agree with Anne, whether you decide to answer her or not, it would be wise for you to inform your husband of the email from the OMW. He may not give a sh*t; but, at least you are showing him transparency. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Maybe tell her you cant meet but would be willing to talk over the phone. Yeah that’s what I’m going to do. If she wants we can do it over the phone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 I agree with Anne, whether you decide to answer her or not, it would be wise for you to inform your husband of the email from the OMW. He may not give a sh*t; but, at least you are showing him transparency. I have feeling he is going to act like it doesn't bother him. I will talk to him before I do anything 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 I'm thinking also it might look terrible to your husband, like: - If you're telling her the truth, it may be construed as if you are hurt by your exMM and trying to hurt him back. Or that you are still keeping tabs on them or whatever. - IF you say you're trying to 'help' her, as your husband I would be pissed off and say "Don't you think you've done enough??" - Or, your husband might think your loyalty is still placed with your exMM and you are trying to somehow help him, interceding for him or defending him. - In the case where you are discovered to be maintaining contact with this woman, it will be like you are being CAUGHT AGAIN with these people. And say if you were to 'ask' your husband for permission to speak with her, he'd be like "why?" if you say "To explain xxxx"... as your husband I'd be like "There's nothing to explain". It would sound like justifying in some way. So advice if definitely stay NC. Every man and woman for themselves now, Sofie. Yeah this is why I don’t want to talk to either one of them. By telling my husband I should be able to avoid this from happening. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 I think you have it figured out Sophie. Let your husband know, meet/phone the OMBS. Be prepared for her to want to have her "say". Like others have pointed out, the last time was her Dday, she was blindsided. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 Well on a side note I made a co-parenting session for next Monday for me and my husband. I had IC today and asked her if she would see me and my husband. She just called and she had an opening for Monday which should work for my husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Author Share Posted October 30, 2013 I think you have it figured out Sophie. Let your husband know, meet/phone the OMBS. Be prepared for her to want to have her "say". Like others have pointed out, the last time was her Dday, she was blindsided. Yeah I’m going to talk to my husband before anything and whatever he says will happen. If he doesn't care then I will insist on just a phone call first then maybe meet in person. Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Sofie, it might be that the OMW wants more info on what actually happened and it maybe for a couple of reasons - she wants to know for her own closure/healing and wants to verify what she was told by the OM, and secondly, to assist her with her D case. If this is the case then your husband would understand if you explained that you know you did a terrible thing and are trying to help those you hurt (in this case the OMW). I would simply ask her (phone or email) why she wanted to meet. You could explain and say that you promised your husband (and yourself) NC and are not eager to break this unless it is for a good reason. Then if the reason is as above, explain this to your husband and get his take on it. Make sure that he understands that you are only trying to help those that you hurt (and not the OM). Buena suerte! Link to post Share on other sites
Mamma Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Sofie I have followed some of your story and feel sad that your husband chose to seperate.I am one that secretly still hope that he will change his mind.And I am a BS. Having said that.The OW in our life was a friend of ours for 20 odd years.At this point I am as much obsessed with her betrayal as I am with WS's.I know that I would love to sit in front of her and ....I dont know what.Maybe I want her to tell me she is sorry,maybe I want to tell her how she's hurt me and my kids,I dont know.As this is not going to happen (she doesnt live in the same country than us) my therapist has encouraged me to write her a letter.I havent and I cant yet as I dont know what to say. Maybe this is why she wants to meet up with you.You have to decide for yourself what you need to do.But even if she going to D,it doesnt make all this less painful and sometimes we feel that meeting might bring closure (which I am not sure it can...) Anyway,just another take on why she might want to meet. Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted October 30, 2013 Share Posted October 30, 2013 Sofie If the OMW (your friend) reached out to you I do not think a telephone call would be too much as a first contact. IMO you owe her that. Keep things amicable with your H. I think your approach to a lousy situation will allow you two to coparent as well as communicate in the future. HM Link to post Share on other sites
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