Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Sofie2013]

Sofie2013,

 

I really appreciate your words. I did check the DNA tests for my kids. They are my kids. I can't tell you how a sigh of relief I have for that.

 

I reflect on my past when I think about your situation and I understand all the seriously hurtful and negative things people say to you or about you. In truth what has happened and it did for a reason one could say it was a mistake but it did happen never the less. Now to how you dealt with it after it all came out I think you have done well. Most people don't get the secondary damage that is caused once the affair is made public. I do hope you look at more help for yourself.

 

Taking care of yourself now is more important than ever.

 

Clay

 

I’m really glad hear your kids are your Bio children.

 

I agree most people don’t understand the damage affair due till it’s too late. People know cheating is wrong but know ever tells what fallout could be. I never imagined the amount of damage my affair would cause. I knew my husband would be hurt it never crossed my mind I could possible lose my kids, my home, my job. Things I thought I would always have could have been taken from me and I have lost lot things I never thought about. The price you pay to have affair and excitement, thrill, sex or whatever else is just too high and not worth the pain you put on the people you say you love the most. My affair has affected more people than I ever imagined. What I did will always be my biggest regret.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I’m really glad hear your kids are your Bio children.

 

I agree most people don’t understand the damage affair due till it’s too late. People know cheating is wrong but know ever tells what fallout could be. I never imagined the amount of damage my affair would cause. I knew my husband would be hurt it never crossed my mind I could possible lose my kids, my home, my job. Things I thought I would always have could have been taken from me and I have lost lot things I never thought about. The price you pay to have affair and excitement, thrill, sex or whatever else is just too high and not worth the pain you put on the people you say you love the most. My affair has affected more people than I ever imagined. What I did will always be my biggest regret.

 

This is why I will never condone having an affair for any reason. It is condoning a form of suicide. One levels their whole life. And those around them.

 

I can condone how you have handled yourself in the aftermath. Right now, it might not feel like much to you....but it was sooo the right way to conduct yourself. You can own that. Proudly.

[BetrayedH]

My affair just made clear to him that I know longer felt the same either (which is not true) and it was time to move on.

 

What are the chances of you and your husband talking about all of this? Have you suggested any kind of joint counseling, even if it is just initially in regards to coparenting?

 

Conflict-avoidance/communication issues are a contributing factor in many affairs. It builds unnecessary and unresolved resentment. I guess I'm hoping that you might be able to take the lead in rectifying that.

[Scott Thomas]

I feel bad for your husband- the poor chap really didn't deserve all this.

As some posters have mentioned, chances are that there really is no going back.

 

Try your best to become the mother your children deserve. With time, your husband will find his own 'happiness', though this shouldn't dissuade you from trying to regain his trust.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

My affair just made clear to him that I know longer felt the same either (which is not true)

 

I have to respectfully disagree. Your actions say otherwise.

 

I wish both of you the best moving forward.

[Sofie2013]

This is why I will never condone having an affair for any reason. It is condoning a form of suicide. One levels their whole life. And those around them.

 

I can condone how you have handled yourself in the aftermath. Right now, it might not feel like much to you....but it was sooo the right way to conduct yourself. You can own that. Proudly.

 

I never thought about like that but you’re right. The old me is dead and gone I can never be that person again. All the things used to be able to say I was I can’t anymore. People I used to know don’t hold me in the same light as they used to.

[stillafool]

It turns out my husband wasn’t as happy was I thought. According to my BIL he hasn’t felt the same about our relationship as he once did and he never said anything because he felt it was just a phase and things would get better. My affair just made clear to him that I know longer felt the same either (which is not true) and it was time to move on.

 

 

This explains why your husband wasn't more emotional about the discovery of your affair. He had already checked out of your marriage emotionally and the affair was just the nail in the coffin. I don't know that you should bother trying to reconcile with him. There is something within you that made you cheat on him and you would do well to discover what you were missing that lead you to cheat. Whatever it was you can look for that component in your next man so you will be happy with no need to cheat. Your husband is wanting and looking for something also that you don't provide for him. It's time for both of you to find happiness. Glad you go a job interview.

[Sofie2013]

What are the chances of you and your husband talking about all of this? Have you suggested any kind of joint counseling, even if it is just initially in regards to coparenting?

 

Conflict-avoidance/communication issues are a contributing factor in many affairs. It builds unnecessary and unresolved resentment. I guess I'm hoping that you might be able to take the lead in rectifying that.

 

 

As of now I don’t think I he would talk about anything involving our marriage unless it’s about the divorce he made that pretty clear. As for counseling he said no to counseling. I’m going to ask if he willing to go to learn how to be good co parents not now but later down the road I feel if I keep pushing I might push him too much.

[Trimmer]

As of now I don’t think I he would talk about anything involving our marriage unless it’s about the divorce he made that pretty clear. As for counseling he said no to counseling. I’m going to ask if he willing to go to learn how to be good co parents not now but later down the road I feel if I keep pushing I might push him too much.

Sounds like a good idea. A suggestion: I know this sounds like I'm nit-picking, but when you eventually bring it up with him, maybe don't say that the purpose of going is to "learn how to be good co-parents", because it could be taken to imply that he isn't a good parent already. Maybe put it something like, you would go to "learn tools to communicate and work together well as co-parents"... That puts all the emphasis on developing the new element here, that you will be parenting separately, instead of saying that it's about "being good co-parents."

 

I completely know what you meant, and my point is indeed just a subtlety, but how it comes off when he hears it could make the difference between how receptive he is, vs. how defensive he gets.

[Sofie2013]

This explains why your husband wasn't more emotional about the discovery of your affair. He had already checked out of your marriage emotionally and the affair was just the nail in the coffin. I don't know that you should bother trying to reconcile with him. There is something within you that made you cheat on him and you would do well to discover what you were missing that lead you to cheat. Whatever it was you can look for that component in your next man so you will be happy with no need to cheat. Your husband is wanting and looking for something also that you don't provide for him. It's time for both of you to find happiness. Glad you go a job interview.

 

 

 

I wouldn’t say he checked out of our marriage since he’s brother said he still loved me and thought things would get better. I don’t think he was done with the marriage completely. I do agree with you that my affair was the nail in the coffin.

 

I know a lot of you think I should just move and my husband won’t come back which could happen. I’m just and ready to give up yet. It will take time but I do believe I can win him back.

 

I’m still going to IC weekly and I’m working on myself to figure out what’s wrong with me. At one point we both made each other happy and I know we can do so again.

[ChooseTruth]

Sophie, have you read "Divorce Remedy"? Some of those techniques might help even though they aren't focused on affair situations. I think you've done the best you can handling the affair since you came to this site.

[Chi townD]

I wouldn’t say he checked out of our marriage since he’s brother said he still loved me and thought things would get better. I don’t think he was done with the marriage completely. I do agree with you that my affair was the nail in the coffin.

 

I know a lot of you think I should just move and my husband won’t come back which could happen. I’m just and ready to give up yet. It will take time but I do believe I can win him back.

 

I’m still going to IC weekly and I’m working on myself to figure out what’s wrong with me. At one point we both made each other happy and I know we can do so again.

 

 

Does he still come around the house? Does he tend to linger a little bit when he gets the kids or does he just picks them up and bolts?

[Sofie2013]

Does he still come around the house? Does he tend to linger a little bit when he gets the kids or does he just picks them up and bolts?

 

Well we only have been doing the co-parenting thing for week. The way we have is he only has to come pick up the kids but doesn’t have to drop them off since he has them till Monday morning he just drops them off at school and the kids just take to bus home. Last Friday when he did come pick up the kids he did stay and ate dinner with me and the kids before leaving. Sometimes when he calls to the kids to say good night he does talk to me for a few minutes like to night he was face-timing with the boys and when he was done we talked for about half an hour and this time it was a little flirtatious he also seems very happy which made me happy it was good to see him like that it brought a smile to my face as well.

[ChooseTruth]

Well we only have been doing the co-parenting thing for week. The way we have is he only has to come pick up the kids but doesn’t have to drop them off since he has them till Monday morning he just drops them off at school and the kids just take to bus home. Last Friday when he did come pick up the kids he did stay and ate dinner with me and the kids before leaving. Sometimes when he calls to the kids to say good night he does talk to me for a few minutes like to night he was face-timing with the boys and when he was done we talked for about half an hour and this time it was a little flirtatious he also seems very happy which made me happy it was good to see him like that it brought a smile to my face as well.

 

This is a good sign. I'm not nearly as nice to my ex. I put up pretty thick walls against her as soon as we separated. Sometimes I do talk and joke a little bit about my daughter, but otherwise I'm fairly cold. Conversations rarely reach 15 minutes. I'm never flirty. I have no interest in building emotional connection with her ever again, even though I know I could easily do that. I see it as dangerous since I have zero trust in her.

 

What you described of him sounds very different than my straight "never again" attitude.

[road]

This is a good sign. I'm not nearly as nice to my ex. I put up pretty thick walls against her as soon as we separated. Sometimes I do talk and joke a little bit about my daughter, but otherwise I'm fairly cold. Conversations rarely reach 15 minutes. I'm never flirty. I have no interest in building emotional connection with her ever again, even though I know I could easily do that. I see it as dangerous since I have zero trust in her.

 

What you described of him sounds very different than my straight "never again" attitude.

 

 

Broken trust is like a broken cup.

 

All the pieces can be glued back together and the cup will not leak. However all of the glue joints will still be seen.

 

The blind trust is gone. The trust can be repaired. It will never be blind trust again. Though as long as the WS lives a transparent life the trust can be restored.

 

However there should never be blind trust. Ignoring red flags is how the BS got hosed.

[BetrayedH]

This is a good sign. I'm not nearly as nice to my ex. I put up pretty thick walls against her as soon as we separated. Sometimes I do talk and joke a little bit about my daughter, but otherwise I'm fairly cold. Conversations rarely reach 15 minutes. I'm never flirty. I have no interest in building emotional connection with her ever again, even though I know I could easily do that. I see it as dangerous since I have zero trust in her.

 

What you described of him sounds very different than my straight "never again" attitude.

 

I tend to agree with this, except I laughed at the part about conversations going no longer than 15 minutes; my conversations with my ex don't go 2 minutes.

[ChooseTruth]

I tend to agree with this, except I laughed at the part about conversations going no longer than 15 minutes; my conversations with my ex don't go 2 minutes.

 

Heh. Well, I don't know how ex is with you, but mine seems to want to talk and go on a lot of times. I will relax, listen to, and share stories about daughter. Knowing those things and having ex know as well are both important to me. No sense being hostile during those conversations. It's the only time things start to feel old "normal" again. Then she usually gets comfortable and starts talking her personal life...at which point I switch off and end the conversation.

 

Sorry for t/j, but maybe it's of interest to Sophie for comparison's sake.

 

I got curious...looks like we set a record 2 months ago talking for 23 minutes. Longest conversation in over a year.

[Clay]

Sadly as much as you probably would like to be back with your husband it does not sound likely. I found in my situation that every time I look at my ex I think of the horrible things she did. Those thoughts never go away. Its been six years since my divorce and I still have the same disgust for her. I talk to her only for the kids sake and nothing more.

 

Its best for you and the sake of your children that you focus on keeping good positive communication with him for your kids sake.

 

I hope you are able to fix things but In my case it took 27 days for me to divorce her completely once I knew she was cheating on me. That is including the 20day waiting period that my state requires.

 

Sounds like your husband was very quick and precise as well.

 

Clay

[Chi townD]

Then keep him talking and interacting with you and the family. Nothing deep and nothing about the marriage or the pending divorce. Just talk to each other. The way you did when you first started dating. Invite him for more dinners and keep the conversations light.

 

If the kids have been wanting to see a movie that has been released on DVD, buy it or rent it and invite him to stay for movie night with the kids before he leaves. Make a couple of tubs of popcorn and soda's for the kids and you guys. See if he sits next to you on the couch.

 

But, if he declines, then respect his wishes and then offer a rain check then.

[Snipercatt]

You say his proposed financial settlement is that you keep what is yours and he keeps what is his.

 

If you live in a community state then everything built during the marriage belongs to both of you, that would include the retirement accounts, deferred compensation, pension or profit sharing plans, and value of his partnership interest at the law firm. If those assets far out weigh your financial interests then it isn't a fair settlement.

[Confused48]

Sadly as much as you probably would like to be back with your husband it does not sound likely. I found in my situation that every time I look at my ex I think of the horrible things she did.

 

Clay

 

Sadly, in this case, it all began with the horrible things he did. I hope Sophie realizes that it began with his cheating. It does not excuse her cheating but it should give her hope that she can find someone not so shallow as her current WS.

[Sofie2013]

Well tonight was a bad night. As I was putting the boys to sleep one of them asked when daddy was coming home I really didn’t know how to answer it. So I told them the true and about the divorce again. They though it was own going to be for a few days and they stared to crying. I was very close to breaking down in front of them I don’t know how but I didn’t. I just held them and told them it was going to be ok. They went to sleep eventually, although they look so different now so sad and defeated. I can’t believe what I have done to them I’m the one who supposed take care and protect them yet it’s my actions that hurting them and making them cry. It hurts and kills me inside to know what I have done to them.

[BetrayedH]

Sadly, in this case, it all began with the horrible things he did. I hope Sophie realizes that it began with his cheating. It does not excuse her cheating but it should give her hope that she can find someone not so shallow as her current WS.

 

She forgave him and then married him. I don't see how "it all began with his cheating" and "it does not excuse her cheating." It would seem to me that they're either connected or they aren't, don't you think?

 

All that said, I understand having reservations about her decision to reconcile. I, too, am not impressed with his lack of forgiveness after she forgave him. Most people make some attempt to reconcile. Certainly not all of them do, nor are they obligated once marital vows are broken, but it's frustrating to see a truly remorseful wayward that forgave her long-distance boyfriend's indescretions just have no chance at redemption.

[Grumpybutfun]

Well tonight was a bad night. As I was putting the boys to sleep one of them asked when daddy was coming home I really didn’t know how to answer it. So I told them the true and about the divorce again. They though it was own going to be for a few days and they stared to crying. I was very close to breaking down in front of them I don’t know how but I didn’t. I just held them and told them it was going to be ok. They went to sleep eventually, although they look so different now so sad and defeated. I can’t believe what I have done to them I’m the one who supposed take care and protect them yet it’s my actions that hurting them and making them cry. It hurts and kills me inside to know what I have done to them.

 

Sofie:

Really breaks my heart to read that about your little ones. This is why I like this site...it is clear what the ramifications are for A's and I know if you could do it all over, you wouldn't expose these little sweet ones to this. Perhaps your thread will stop someone else from making a choice to have an affair.

Good luck,

Grumps

[BetrayedH]

Well tonight was a bad night. As I was putting the boys to sleep one of them asked when daddy was coming home I really didn’t know how to answer it. So I told them the true and about the divorce again. They though it was own going to be for a few days and they stared to crying. I was very close to breaking down in front of them I don’t know how but I didn’t. I just held them and told them it was going to be ok. They went to sleep eventually, although they look so different now so sad and defeated. I can’t believe what I have done to them I’m the one who supposed take care and protect them yet it’s my actions that hurting them and making them cry. It hurts and kills me inside to know what I have done to them.

 

I had a very similar moment when I told my kids about the divorce. We had already been separated and the look on my daughter's face when she asked me "forever?" was just heartbreaking.

 

But it's fortunate that your boys are young like my daughter. They are resilient. Keep that strong face that says that everything will be ok. Reassure them that they'll get plenty of time with both parents, just in two separate homes. Reassure them that you and Dad have a good plan. Reassure them that both of you love them and that none of this is because of them. Convince them that the adults have it figured out so they can go back to being kids. And then make sure you have it figured out. My kids really like switching every 3-4 days and they like knowing the schedule. While they are with me, they get excited about what they're going to do at Mom's and they do the same about me when they are with her. Frankly, they end up a bit spoiled because neither parent wants to be the bad parent.