Should I reply to my ex-bf messages?

[Gottabestrong]

Hi everyone,

 

I posted in some other threads but did not get a reply to this particular question, so here we go.

 

My bf of 2.5 years broke up with me 2 months ago. At first he wanted to get back together again, then he said he needed more time. We were in contact the whole time, with him usually contacting me daily or every second day via sms. I usually only answered every 3rd message or so.

 

Anyway, 2 weeks ago when we spoke on the phone (I called) I asked if he knew yet what he wanted and he said that he did not love me anymore, did not want to be my boyfriend and not get together again in the near future.

 

Okay, so the next day I saw him to give him some of his stuff and to my surprise the eve went really well. He was really sweet and attentive and when I got home he sent me a message saying that it was really good to see me and that I looked really good.

 

Next day I got 2 more messages in which he repeated that it was great to see me and asked if we could meet again so I could give him his post. I agreed and just asked 'When?'

 

I did not hear from him again for a week. Totally freaked and could not understand it. Posted on here and got the advice not to contact him which I did not. A week later I heard from him and was really relieved. A few hours later I sent him a casual nice message back.

 

Now here comes my question. After that he sent me another message the next day, I did not reply. He sent another 2 days later, 4 days later and again 2 days later.

 

I have not replied to any of his 4 messages and now I am not sure if that is the right thing to do.

 

Thing is in his messages he never writes anything personal, he only asks me how I am doing and what I am up to and talks a bit about what he is up to.

 

On the one hand I guess it is a good sign that he writes me at all, but on the other maybe he is just bored or feeling lonely.

 

I could not be only friends with him right now, but I dont want to ask him what his intentions are because that would be too much pressure.

 

I kinda decided not to write until he mentiones something personal in his messages, is that a good idea? Or do you think that I should try and be friends with him first and that way see if we can rekindle things?

 

What I am worried about is that I answer his messages and then he stops writing again. I know I am going to bite myself in the a-s if he does that. Right now I am feeling some sort of control as I am the one ignoring his messages.

 

Please tell me your input, thanks a lot.

[theedge]

Hi there,

 

I read your post and I thought I would reply. The way that I see it is that he is stringing you along. He knows you still love him and want him. My ex was the same way, but it may have been different. She dumped me on New years day, saying she couldn't provide what I need. She told her don't conact me in anyway. I was her entire support network and no contact didn't last long. With in one month she wrote me an e-mail saying she missed me. I foolishly replied getting my hopes up.

 

I was hoping we would get back together, but she wanted to give me false hopes. Contact was few and far between so I opted to just stop communication, she was very persistant. I just thought to myself the more I get involved the more I get hurt.

 

With you, he seems warm and cold. One minute eager and excited to talk and then he won't respond for a week. I would say that he is trying to keep your hopes up, maybe get benefits of a relationship but he just won't commit. I would say your being used as a pawn till he finds the next person. I know that may hurt, but people are like that. Just ask yourself, would all the hurt of being strung along be worth it? Thats all I had to think about before I realized I was so much better off. I now have a new girlfriend that treats me like a king, but it goes both ways and I treat her like a Queen.

 

Think about it and good luck!

[guest]

Hi Gottabestrong,

 

I'm the guest that posted a while ago - our situations were very similar and we split up on the same day - remember?

 

What happened in my situation, which might help you is this: I called NC and it lasted 6 weeks. During that time he emailed me once to wish me luck in a job interview and I replied a simple "thanks".

 

After 6 weeks I had to admit I was miserable and needed some sort of contact, I felt in limbo. So I emailed him to ask how he was. He replied straight away, seemed very happy to hear from me. That evening he texted me to ask me to get together.

 

Today, after loads of emails back and forth, with me being very cautious and careful, we have arranged to see each other on Saturday.

 

I don't know if he wants to get back together, in a way I don't mind which way it goes because whichever way it does will be for the best. In the 6 weeks NC I had time to have a good look at my life and see which bits I liked and which I didn't and started to make plans for the future for me. I'll be happy with or without him.

 

My point is this: I broke NC at a time when I was feeling really un-needy and relaxed. I just wanted to see how he was with no expectations. He replied in a very friendly way and I responded. He asked me out. All through this period of contact I have been careful to be friendly, but very very honest. I haven't initiated any kind of get together or pushed things in any way, I've just responded but not too enthusiatically, just appropriate to what he's written.

 

I think you need to show strength, that your universe does not have him at its centre but you at its centre. Show you are an independent, strong attractive woman who can live with or without him.

[UnicornGirl]

Guest, I think that is really good advice. I'm going to try applying what you've said as well. I'm not going to contact my ex directly, because he did something similar to what Gottabestrong's did -- was unsure, unsure, unsure about getting back together, and then about a month ago I told him I loved him and I wanted to be with him, and he said he was sure of what he wanted now and that he didn't think we would ever get back together because he thinks I am unattractive and treated him badly and he let me take advantage of him. (Immature BS and oversimplification, if you ask me.) He said he is, however, not closed to having a relationship in the future, because he doesn't know how he'll feel. I think some NC will give him a reality check!

[Gottabestrong]

Thanks for your replies but I am not sure if you are saying that I should ignore his messages or not. Maybe I just dont want to hear what you are saying.

 

So please someone out there tell me straight out: Ignore his messages! or Reply!

 

Dear Guest, please keep us posted on what happens when you meet him.

 

It feels so weird to do NC when he is trying to contact you. Is not it usually the other way round? The dumpee tries to contact the dumper?

 

Should I be happy or sad that he is contacting me?

 

Just drop off the face of the earth or ask him to stop contacting me? Or act real casual and as if everything was fine?

[guest]

Reply, but don't go overboard. It's all in what you say, you need to be friendly but also indifferent. He says 'how are you', you say 'fine thanks'. He says 'what are you up to', you say 'looking forward to going to **** this weekend'. etc etc.

 

The point is, your responses should convey that you're getting on with and enjoying your life without him and that you're not making any moves to take things further. If he takes things further by asking to meet, fine. But if he doesn't. then you just get on with your life.

 

Hope that helps

[guest]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

 

So please someone out there tell me straight out: Ignore his messages! or Reply!

 

 

It's really up to you, if you want to get back, you should probably reply as to ignore someone is basically saying 'I don't want anything to do with you'. On the other hand, if he's texting a lot, I wouldn't reply to every single one. When my ex asked me out, I replied that I'd think about it, then emailed him a few days later to say OK - need to not be a push over, make him think that it's not a dead cert he can just have you whenever he wants.

 

Just give the impression that you're getting on with your life, as I said before.

 

guest.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Its entirely possible that he misses you and cares for you, but doesn't miss the relationship you had. I see so many people falling into the false sense of security of "going back to him/her" and then get dumped again when the person remembers the reasons he/she broke up with them in the first place. Maybe its a case of liking the person, but not liking the relationship.

 

What you can do is clear the air for you both. Don't ask him what his intentions are - you are setting yourself up for more waffling from him if you do that. Inform him of your feelings and leave it at that. Take control of the situation. You can say something like this:

 

"look, I am not interested in being 'just friends'. I love you and I want to be with you as your girlfriend. Nothing less. If you can't handle that, then it would save me a lot of pain and heartache if you would just leave me alone and give me some time to get over what we had."

 

Basically you are letting him know its time to put up or shut up. No more stringing along. It will not be easy, and you will need to prepare yourself for the outcome: whatever that will be.

[guest]

Absolutely, I agree with Lucrecia.

 

You should consider yourself out of the relationship for good until he asks you back for sure and you've talked through the reasons for the split to a point where you are satisfied. You've got to be cautious - the person hurt you and can do so again if you let them.

 

I do know several couples though that have split and got back together, sometimes some time apart helps clarify things. It's not a given though and shouldn't be treated as such.

[Gottabestrong]

Thanks for your answers.

 

For now I have not replied to his messages, even though I got very close this afternoon.

 

The thing that holds me back is the last real conversation we had on the phone in which he told me that he does not love me, miss me or want me back. He also said that he knows that I love him and want to get back together.

 

So I am not replying to him because he knows exactly how I feel. I think that writing him a letter saying that I dont want to be friends but only partners, would be pointless and pathetic, because he knows that's what I want.

 

I am quite confident that he misses me as a person but not as his girlfriend, and dont need to ask that question of him.

 

I think I am making my point by not replying to his messages. I am not sure for how much longer I will be able to stick to NC, but I believe the longer the better.

 

It gives him a chance to miss me and me a chance to get used to being without him. I believe that humans are creatures of habit and we can get used to anything. If people can get over the death of a child, then I will be able to get over a stupid breakup, dont you think?

 

Another thing that helps me keep silent is the knowledge that I have been as good a girlfriend as I can be.

 

I have never ignored him, taken him for granted, abused him, cheated on him,... I always loved him and showed him my love. I have my own life, I have friends, family, job, university, interests... so I have never made him the center of my universe.

 

I gave everything I had to give and was the best partner I could be. I believe that if what I gave him was not enough to make him happy, than it is better this way.

 

I love him, but I know that I wont change for him, and if he does not like the woman I am, than what's the use of trying?

 

It is so hard, and I lose resolve a couple of times per day, but I think the best thing I can do is let him go and see if he disovers that I am the woman he wants to be with or not.

 

He basically broke it off because he thinks that we have no future as I want to marry and have kids, and he does not. Maybe it is a case of commitment phobia, or maybe he just knows that I am not the woman he wants to have those things with.

 

Either way, all I can do is focus on myself and learn how to be happy without him.

 

I guess, that's it. If you want to comment on my long statement, I would be happy to hear your opinions.

 

Love and good luck to all of you!

[guest]

You go girl!

 

That sounds exactly the right attitude.

 

We are so in the same situation, I'm meeting mine tomorrow so next week will let you know how it turns out.

[Gottabestrong]

Hi guest,

 

how did the meeting with your ex go? I am curious to find out what happened.

 

Me, I have not contacted my ex, but it is getting harder every day. I kind of decided that if he sends me another message I am going to reply real casual and friendly.

 

Problem is that he has not contacted me in 6 days. I guess by now he has realised that I am not replying to his messages and he decided to not contact me until I do.

 

Feels like I am in a stand-off situation. I know, he was the one who wrote the last 4 times, so I dont have to feel like I am chasing him if I answer after a week, but I still want to hear from him again before I do. Does that make sense? Is that stupid pride?

 

Tomorrow is the start of Channukah and I thought that I might send him an e-card, what do you guys think? Is that a good or bad idea?

 

Wish I would not be thinking so much about him, but these last few days I have felt really down. Am not eating and not leaving my bed besides going to work. Have missed quite a few classes at university as well.

 

This is a very bad situation. Hope anyone can give me some advice. Thanks!

[Wildthing_5704]

I know how you feel in away. No it wouldn't be stupid to send him a e/card. You can be friends with him. Talk to him when he talks to you. But DON"T Show any affection what so ever.

 

It will be hard to talk to him with out telling him how much you love him and miss him. Be strong. It's always better to be friends that not to speak at all. When he is out and you see him don't go up to him to talk let him talk to you.

 

Don't act like it's killing you. Act as though you have forgotten all about it. That will bother him much more. You need to go out with friends and try to forget about it. HAVE Fun Don't be alone. Thats when you really think about it. Keep your self busy. And that will help ...

 

Make your self eat so you will get better. Even if it's crackers you need to eat.

Another thing you can try is finding something that makes you forget about all your troubles and worries. Something that you like weather it's reading,going out with friends,or so one. Need To Find hobbies to get into.

 

I hope that helps you a little bit. If i knew more about what's been going on i could help more!!!!

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Wildthing,

 

thanks a lot for your encouraging words.

 

If you want to know more about what is going on, please read my posts. If you search under my username you will find them. They are all in the Second Chances thread. I would love to hear your input.

[guest]

Hi Gottabestrong,

 

Well, I'm not sure what's going on now.

 

We met for a coffee, then went to an art gallery, then for some food, then to a gig of a band we both like.

 

By the end of the evening (3am) we'd had a bit to drink and yes, we ended up in bed.

 

It allfelt very natural, we didn't talk about things much except he said he was sorry and I said I wasn't sure about things.

 

I've had a text from him since to say he had a good time.

 

At the time it felt like this was the beginning of a reconciliation, now I'm not so sure. To be honest, at the moment I'm a bit worried he was using me and isn't going to follow through. Also, there's an awful lot of talking to be done.

 

Watch this space I guess.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Guest,

 

how are you doing? Have you heard from your guy again? I hope everything worked out good for you.

 

Me, well I sent my ex an ecard today. I wrote: Dear XX, wish you a happy Channukah this year. Hope you are doing well. Love, XX

 

Right after he picked it up he sent me an ecard in return. It said: I wish you all the best for the coming year and hope that all your dreams and wishes come true. Look after yourself and keep your chin up. Love, XX

 

As a header he did not write Dear XX or something like that, but "A happy and wonderful Hanukkah"

 

Now what do you think that means? should I be happy that he send me a reply, and straight away? Or should I be sad that he did not ask me any question (therefore not giving me a chance to contact him again)?

 

To me it sounds a bit like he is saying goodbye, and why does he tell me to 'keep my chin up'? Does my message sound like I am sad and depressed?

 

Would love for anyone (especially guys) to interpret that for me. Please keep in my mind that I did not reply to his last 4 messages and totally ignored him for the last 17 days.

 

Thanks for any input.

[lifeboy]

gotta be strong

 

in your e card to him; your message did not sound sad at all. i liked it; short and to the point, yet respectful.

i think you should be glad he replied right away. i mean he put in effort to send you an e card in return. unfortunately, he just seems like distant in it. just "wish you all the best". i think he is just confused right now. and you are his insurance policy. he just wants to string you along.

 

i mean it's horrible to hear that and i hate to say it. but this guy needs to wise up. the only way he can do that is by you COMPLETELY ending contact with him. just drop off the face of the earth. every time you send him a card or a note or ANYTHING, he is reassured that you're still missing him in some way shape or form. you are letting him win. you are giving him insurance. you cannot let him have that. you need him to regret what he did to you and miss you and fear that he cant have you anymore. this is what im doing with my ex (you know my story). i mean this is the only strategy i can think of. it hurts too much to be strung along. so by COMPLETELY cutting contact, you either help yourself heal (and simultaneously avoid the pain that comes with being strung along), or EVENTUALLY (when? i have no clue, im still kind of "waiting" to find out myself) he just cannot stand being without you any longer. he must be the one to cave. i mean you owe him NOTHING now. he knows where you stand. just make him feel like he made a horrific mistake by just becoming an indifferent, non existent memory to him. you must wait for the words "i want you back, i messed up. you mean more to me than anything and i am so sorry for hurting you. will you please forgive me and take me back?" to come from his MOUTH. no email. he eitehr shows up at your door, or he leaves that as a voice mail. i feel as though that's the only way you can even CONSIDER responding. you can PM me all you want to vent about this. it is the hardest thing ever. but please be strong. do not let him tool around with you like a voodoo doll. be stronger than him. dont give up your control over yourself. good luck

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Lifeboy,

 

thanks for taking the time to read my posts and tell me your point of view.

 

I agree with you that I should not contact him in any form, shape or size. But what do I do when he contacts me? Ignore it until he says something meaningful? At the moment I would be happy to hear from him at all.

 

Thank you for offer to pm you. When I feel really bad again, I will make use of your offer.

 

If you should ever feel like sending me a pm, I would be happy to receive it.

 

Look after yourself and all the best!

[lifeboy]

gottabestrong

 

that is correct. even if he contacts you, i would say just continue to ignore him. it doesnt matter what he says. i hate to say it, but whatever it is he says in his contact to you, it will be an attempt to string you along. it'll be an attempt to make sure (through your RESPONSE) that you're still there responding to him, caring about him, blah blah blah. you must TAKE THAT ASSURANCE AWAY from him. i urge you to not respond. i am in the exact same phase as you right now. i want to respond so badly, but i dont because i know that if i do, then she is winning and just gains info regarding what my status is, ie am i happy, do i miss her, am i single?? his is NOT PRIVY to such information. he lost all rights to that when HE DECIDED to dump you. he should lose your affection too. he does not deserve to be treated like a king and placed on a love pedastal by you. no way. he LOST THAT PRIVILEGE. screw him.

 

like i said; i would advise only responding once something TRULY meaningful is exchanged. that does not mean if he says "i miss you" that you respond. all he wants in response is "i miss you too" so he can be assured you're still there. it's BS. dont let it happen. and like i said, if and when you do finally get the TRULY meaningful words you deserve (i love you, i miss you, i want you back, i messed up, please forgive me, etc), you must remain skeptical. do not give in suddenly. but that wont happen for a while. so in the interim, dont give him what he wants.

[Gottabestrong]

Hi everyone,

 

here is an update of my situation. After I sent him that card on tuesday and he replied back I have not heard from him and neither have I contacted him.

 

It is soo hard though. Today is day 4 of NC, but if feels like day 20.

 

Somehow I expect him to contact me again, but on the other hand I dont. I feel very torn and am all the time alternating between hope and desperation. The state I am in right now is a bad place to be.

 

I know that he is leaving for a vacation next friday and wont come back until the end of december. If he does not contact me before he leaves he probably wont until he comes back, if at all and by then it will be 3 weeks of NC. Wow, the longest he had gone without contacting me since our breakup 2.5 months ago was 6 days.

 

I am just finding it hard to focus on anything else and put my faith in time. Either time will help me heal or will make him come back.

 

How is everyone doing? Unicorn, guest, lifeboy, etc.

 

Would love to hear from you!

[mischafan160]

Hang in there sweetie!!! Do you know what helps me focus sometimes?

1. putting on party music so loudly that it blocks out all negative thoughts and just makes you want to get up and dance

2. community service...sounds cheesy I know, but especially around the holiday season there's tons to do and it helps you remember your priorities

3. thinking about your goals and how much you've accomplished helps you get back your sense of self respect and chases away thoughts of depression

 

I haven't heard from my ex either in about eight days. It's very hard, especially when you wonder if THEY are thinking about US as much as we are thinking about them...but to dwell on it really doesn't serve any purpose other than creating more depression...try to stay busy and surrounded by friends, preferably single friends, so you don't feel alone. Most I'm trying to actively banish every negative thought concerning my ex or being single by forcing myself to think about something else, but it's not the easiest thing in the world. I wish you all the best!!!!

[Gottabestrong]

Hallo everyone,

 

today is a sad day. Have not heard from my ex in 7 days, which is a sad record, because he never went without contacting me for more than 6 days since he broke up with me 2.5 months ago.

 

And I only heard from him a week ago because I sent him an ecard and he replied. So the last contact that he initiated was actually 2 weeks ago. 14 whole days!

 

I have no idea what caused it. Probably my NC of 17 days and ignoring 4 of his messages.

 

I just would like to know WHY he is not contacting me anymore. Is he trying to punish me, just does not think about me, thinks I don't want him to write,...

 

Wish I had the answer to that.

 

My sister spoke to him on the phone 2 days ago. She called because she had some computer problems that he could fix, he is in IT. She said he sounded a bit low and not as happy as he used to be. He always used to joke with her on the phone.

 

Does that mean anything? Could it be that he misses me? but then he would probably write me, would not he? AFter all I was the one who contacted him last, so it would be his turn anyway.

 

I wish I had not sent him that card a week ago. Then It would have been 24 days of NC on my part already.

 

Just needed to vent. If anyone has any encouraging words to say, please give them to me.

 

Cheers.

[Gottabestrong]

Hi just an update,

 

after not hearing from him for 9 days, he sent me a text yesterday, just before he left for the airport to fly to England for 2 weeks.

 

In his text he apologised for bothering me and asked for the bustimes to the airport, which I think was not a question he had to ask me. After all it was time to leave and he had to figure out a way to get to the aiport anyway, even if I did not reply.

 

I could have texted him back, but chose to call him because I wanted to hear his voice. Had been 36 days since we last spoke.

 

I gave him a short call, told him about the bustimes and sounded happy and friendly. He asked what I was up to and told him that I was doing good, just busy with university.

 

I asked how he was doing and he said 'Same sh-t, different day'. I then said goodbye and wished him a good time in England.

 

I made sure that I did not bring up the relationship, I kept it short, I sounded happy and friendly, and I made sure to get off the phone first.

 

Do you guys think I made a mistake, or that I handled it well?

 

Any input?

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by guest

Hi Gottabestrong,

 

Well, I'm not sure what's going on now.

 

We met for a coffee, then went to an art gallery, then for some food, then to a gig of a band we both like.

 

By the end of the evening (3am) we'd had a bit to drink and yes, we ended up in bed.

 

It allfelt very natural, we didn't talk about things much except he said he was sorry and I said I wasn't sure about things.

 

I've had a text from him since to say he had a good time.

 

At the time it felt like this was the beginning of a reconciliation, now I'm not so sure. To be honest, at the moment I'm a bit worried he was using me and isn't going to follow through. Also, there's an awful lot of talking to be done.

 

Watch this space I guess.

 

This whole gig is a trap people fall into, and I fell into it many times in the past but I will never fall into it again because the realization of being "used" by someone I once loved (and likely still did at the time I was used) was too much to take.

 

If a relationship ends and one person says things to make you think they might want to get back together, or they want to see you ,hang out and you're hopeful they do want to reconcile, don't get sucked in..........be cautious and whatever you do, don't end up back in bed with them............at least not until you've sat down and decided where things "are".........make sure there's a clear understanding that's been communicated by them that their intentions are that they want to get back together........don't assume that just because you have a fun night out and end up in the sack that that automatically means you're "back together".....hate to say it but guys know just want to say and do in a situation like this to get laid again...by someone who's safe and familiar................and they're not stupid, they know darn well from the get-go that you want to be back with them, and what buttons to push to make you think that's what they want, so you'll let down your emotional guard and have sex with them. it's the oldest trick in the book. 9 out of 10 times, they just used you to get sex. Ladies, be smart....don't fall for this game. Unless he comes right and out and tells you to your face what his wants and intentions are (about getting back together), don't be fooled into thinking his desire to boink you means you're back together.

 

I learned this first hand for the first time back when I was about 24. I'd dated a guy for nearly 3 yrs. He ended up going off on a company ski trip (without me) and he cheated on me. I was devastated, as you can imagine. I suspected something was up when he was gone skiing because the days were passing by and he wasn't calling..not even to let me know he'd gotten there safely. I just "knew." I finally tracked him down (I was in Canada, he was down in Montana..I called every large ski resort there til i found him).....and I confronted him and demanded the truth. Yep, he was cheating........with one of his big boss' daughters. Ugh.

 

I was a mess for a couple of months. He knew what to do and say to make me think he was sorry and that he'd made an isolated mistake...and I was very vulnerable. He would call me up (we lived 90 min away from each other) and be sweet and nice......invite me to drive there to see him ,how he was going to make me a nice dinner, get some wine...I'd eat it right up. I'd drive there, all hopeful that he'd "come to his senses"......i'd get there, he'd be attentive and romantic and sweet - the way he'd been when we first started going out..............I believed all this was his way of letting me know he wanted to get back together. Of course we'd end up in bed. After sex, I remember saying to him, "so this means we're back together?" I remember the sickness I felt as I heard him say, "No, I just missed you and wanted to be with you." I remember feeling horrible, grabbing my clothes, getting up in the middle of the night, bawling and driving back home in the dark, all 100 miles.....feeling like a used piece of sh*t.

 

he tried this a few more times.......he was very good and back then I was very vulnerable and not yet at the point of being able to stand up for myself and set boundaries.

 

Finally there came a point where he continued his game and i had had enough......he was then really laying it on thick, sending me roses, plane tickets to meet him for vacation..I'd moved on and had met someone else.

 

But my point is, what he did is common...........and women need to be smarter..........and not assume that sweetness and affection and then wanting to romance you into bed is anything more than them wanting to get laid.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Indigo-moon,

 

thanks for your post. As for me, dont worry about falling into bed with him, without him saying that we are back together.

 

But I am sure that if he called me the way yours did to invite me to come over for dinner, I probably would go.

 

For now I am just happy if I hear from him once every couple of days/weeks.

 

Do you think I handled the phonecall well, or should I not have called him back?