wifes past affair

[road]

My intention was not to suggest that this is acceptable, especially if the feelings of the OC are considered.

My point was that sometimes, the betrayal and pain the BH faces would be too enormous for him to overcome and he might just end up leaving the OC and the WW. The OC has done nothing wrong but the WW's actions might end up breaking the BH's heart and he may never forgive her.

 

Let's get back to the thread. The poster and his wife. Any suggestion?

 

That is the consequence that the WW has to face. Her choice to have an affair does not give the WW the right to place the burden of the consequence on anyone but herself.

 

It will always be better for the truth to come out. Many BH can accept the OC as their own.

 

Many BH can not accept another man's child.

 

That is the right of the BH, and only the BH can decide what he can or can not accept.

 

Thus do deny the truth to the BH is to force the BH to continue to live a life that is a total lie.

 

If the BH can not accept the OC then he has the right to back away from the WW and the OC.

 

Blame and consequences then have to fall onto the WW. It is where the consequences must be placed. It is the WW's burden. WW danced. Now WW has to pay.

 

WW has no right to complain how much the band is charging her now. Or to make her BH paid for the band now. That is fraud.

[Scott Thomas]

The sick, materialistic, selfish person here is the WW who misleads the BH and the OC.

 

"to walk away from the little girl he spun in circles, watched at dance recitals, called his princess because his WIFE lied to him"

The OM should step up and support the child. H had no problem bedding and impregnating the cheating wife. Well, why shouldn't he spend his money on the affair child? Why shouldn't he change the diaper, cook the food, pay for school, watch her dance recitals and love her. Why do you think that this is the betrayed husband's job? He's already been stabbed in the back. Do you feel happy ripping his heart out too?

 

A BH is enetitled to his legal rights, including walking away from his wife's affair child. This is his legal right under the US Constitution. Some countries (19 in Europe) even prosecute the WW in these cases.

 

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness".

 

The wife was happy when she bedded another man. She felt happy when she forced the BH and tricked him into spending his hard earned money on her OM's child. The BH is not happy if he is forced into supporting a child he thought was his but turned out to be the mail man's. His right to pursuing his happiness.

Is this unfair for the child? Yes.

 

 

You think a man who leaves when he finds out a OC is weak and a coward? Some people think any man who stays is a weak, spineless, doormat. You're entitled to your opinions. Other people are entitled to their opinions. We accept your opinion but you must learn to respect ours. PERIOD.

 

You really think your husband would stay with you if you had an affair, got pregnant and pretended that the baby was your husband's? You can ask him about his opinion.

 

We are not here to discuss what a man whould or should not do if his wife gets pregnant from an affair and passes off the baby as his.

 

We're here to discuss the OP's issues. Please focus on that. If you want to, this debate can be shifted to a new thread.

To the poster, any updates? What is the status of your marriage?

Edited October 8, 2013 by Scott Thomas

[road]

The sick, materialistic, selfish person here is the WW who misleads the BH and the OC.

 

"to walk away from the little girl he spun in circles, watched at dance recitals, called his princess because his WIFE lied to him"

The OM should step up and support the child. H had no problem bedding and impregnating the cheating wife. Well, why shouldn't he spend his money on the affair child? Why shouldn't he change the diaper, cook the food, pay for school, watch her dance recitals and love her. Why do you think that this is the betrayed husband's job? He's already been stabbed in the back. Do you feel happy ripping his heart out too?

 

A BH is enetitled to his legal rights, including walking away from his wife's affair child. This is his legal right under the US Constitution. Some countries (19 in Europe) even prosecute the WW in these cases.

 

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness".

 

The wife was happy when she bedded another man. She felt happy when she forced the BH and tricked him into spending his hard earned money on her OM's child. The BH is not happy if he is forced into supporting a child he thought was his but turned out to be the mail man's. His right to pursuing his happiness.

Is this unfair for the child? Yes.

 

 

You think a man who leaves when he finds out a OC is weak and a coward? Some people think any man who stays is a weak, spineless, doormat. You're entitled to your opinions. Other people are entitled to their opinions. We accept your opinion but you must learn to respect ours. PERIOD.

 

You really think your husband would stay with you if you had an affair, got pregnant and pretended that the baby was your husband's? You can ask him about his opinion.

 

We are not here to discuss what a man whould or should not do if his wife gets pregnant from an affair and passes off the baby as his.

 

We're here to discuss the OP's issues. Please focus on that. If you want to, this debate can be shifted to a new thread.

To the poster, any updates? What is the status of your marriage?

 

The courts usually gives a BH two years to contest paternity. Then the courts rule that it is in the best interests of the child for the BH to remain the legal dad, and on the hook for CS.

[Wanting1]

Am I missing something here? I don't see an OC mentioned by the poster anywhere. Why is everyone debating turning away from a child that doesn't seem to actually exist?

[Criticality]

Is it fair to the kid to be abandoned by a man he thought was his father?

Of course not.

 

But it's not fair to a man either to be raising a child that he didnt choose to have, or chose under false pretenses to have, if its not his biological child.

 

It's tough, but sometimes there are no right or wrong solutions.

Just the consequences of thoughtless actions a long time ago.

 

Now as to the OP, does he somewhere in the bottom of his heart love his wife and kids? If so, take a DNA test (it can be done without them or his wife knowing) and find out if its your children.

 

If it is, then shut up about each others past indiscretions, and don't bring them up outside the marital and individual counseling you need.

 

Yes, you were wronged, and yes she brought an affair into your marriage, but give it up already! It's been so long, and so much has happened since that's more important than what she did or didn't do many years ago. Like you two having a family.

[grumblebum]

I hope that with ic and mc for the both of us we can heal from t his as we will gain so much and hopefully my wife will accept what definition a counceller will give her in regards to the lie/affair we are going tomorrow guidance wil put us in our place and we can leave the past behind and focus un the future and I can stop thinking she has more truth to confess and learn how to forgive and trust again

[grumblebum]

well councelling was different walked out wanting to rip om head off after councellor defined his actions as sexual harrasment and it was a form of sexual assult and wife got in trouble for telling me after 12 yrs said it was wrong to put her guilt onto me and that she should of never told me and she should of been the only one to feel guilt .

hopfully i can stay focused and not pay om a visit

[road]

well councelling was different walked out wanting to rip om head off after councellor defined his actions as sexual harrasment and it was a form of sexual assult and wife got in trouble for telling me after 12 yrs said it was wrong to put her guilt onto me and that she should of never told me and she should of been the only one to feel guilt .

hopfully i can stay focused and not pay om a visit

 

 

Fire that counselor. It was the right thing for your WW to come clean. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[janedoe67]

Seeing how you're all passing judgement on me, I feel that you should know more of the story.

 

My husband actually had a sexual affair with 3 other women. 2 prior to my affair & 1 after.

I did not have sex with anyone else, the dude got 2 blow jobs. Yeah - my self esteem was next to zero.

 

I kept the extra details to myself as a supposed safe guard. I felt that if he cheated on me again, I could tell myself "it's OK, I did bad **** too, so what he does can't hurt me so much".

 

I ended up telling husband the rest of the details after he begged to know if there was anything else to know about what happened 12 years ago.

 

Yes, I'm bad for keeping that extra bit secret. I am deeply remorseful & I say so constantly.

 

Funny thing is, I don't know anything about my husbands affairs because he "can't remember".

 

Funny that.

 

Grumblebum, what exactly is yur response to THIS?