wifes past affair

[janedoe67]

You also need you DNA test your kids.

 

IF you have very compelling reason to suspect that she slept with the OM within 9 months of the birth of one of your children, then this may be good advice.

 

BUT think carefully about your children as well. What if you DO find out a 12 year old child who calls YOU Daddy isn't "really" yours. You gonna sacrifice that kid to stick it to your wife.

 

I know of one man on a forum who - last I heard - was planning to DNA test his 20 year old to find out if he was really Dad...I mean what's he gonna do, say "sorry kid, you can;t call me dad anymore."

 

There is information that is needed, and then there is victim-ridden-bitter-obssession. The former makes sense. The latter makes me sad.

[road]

IF you have very compelling reason to suspect that she slept with the OM within 9 months of the birth of one of your children, then this may be good advice.

 

BUT think carefully about your children as well. What if you DO find out a 12 year old child who calls YOU Daddy isn't "really" yours. You gonna sacrifice that kid to stick it to your wife.

 

I know of one man on a forum who - last I heard - was planning to DNA test his 20 year old to find out if he was really Dad...I mean what's he gonna do, say "sorry kid, you can;t call me dad anymore."

 

There is information that is needed, and then there is victim-ridden-bitter-obssession. The former makes sense. The latter makes me sad.

 

 

This falls under knowing the truth is always the best.

 

The BH upon finding out his son is an OC does not mean that the love and bonds between them will disappear.

 

What it does mean is that the WW will now have to make amends for the way she has harmed her BH.

 

See in the truth coming out no one is forced or let to live a life that is based on a lie. And the WW now has to face the consequences of her actions and take actions to repair the damage.

[Scott Thomas]

This falls under knowing the truth is always the best.

 

The BH upon finding out his son is an OC does not mean that the love and bonds between them will disappear.

 

What it does mean is that the WW will now have to make amends for the way she has harmed her BH.

 

See in the truth coming out no one is forced or let to live a life that is based on a lie. And the WW now has to face the consequences of her actions and take actions to repair the damage.

 

While I believe that the WW needs t face the conequences of her actions and the poster could go for a DNA test, what about his own contributions? If the post by his wife is accurate and genuine, he has had 3 affairs (more sexual than hers) and never worked on facing his consequences.

 

Again, I'm posting under the assumption that the WW is telling the truth and the poster's action are hypocritical!

[janedoe67]

This falls under knowing the truth is always the best.

 

The BH upon finding out his son is an OC does not mean that the love and bonds between them will disappear.

 

What it does mean is that the WW will now have to make amends for the way she has harmed her BH.

 

See in the truth coming out no one is forced or let to live a life that is based on a lie. And the WW now has to face the consequences of her actions and take actions to repair the damage.

 

What about the OP facing the consequences for his 3 A's.

 

And you seriously think that a child - even an adult child - will not be affected by the fact that his/her FATHER is seeking retribution because he/she is not "really his"?

 

A BS who does this - especially years and years down the road...has a serious tunnel vision selfish streak IMO.

[Scott Thomas]

What about the OP facing the consequences for his 3 A's.

 

And you seriously think that a child - even an adult child - will not be affected by the fact that his/her FATHER is seeking retribution because he/she is not "really his"?

 

A BS who does this - especially years and years down the road...has a serious tunnel vision selfish streak IMO.

 

1. The OP should face the consequences of his three affairs.

 

2. Yes, that child would be affected but the blame for the fallout lies solely on the wayward wife who got pregnant by another man. Any man with an ounce of self-respect would not tolerate a deception/betrayal this big. The decision to leave rests solely on his shoulders, including seeking any retribution. Do you expect him to smile about the fact that he was deceived about the child's paternity and duped into raising/spending his resources on another man's child?

In this particular case, I don't think the children resulted from an affair on the wife's part. In any case, we do not know the complete truth- the OP and his wife need to post their complete stories.

 

3. The OP posted that he discovered something new about his wife's affair and this triggered his anger/resentment.

 

4. In his initial post, the OP failed to mention his own 3 affairs and gave us all the impression that his wife was responsible for the break down of the marriage. The fact that he cheated thrice was conveniently, but hypocritically, left out.

 

I don't think the children resulted from the wife's affair. With the amount of deceit and hypocrisy in this thread, I doubt any poster could provide useful advice without gaining a clear picture of the entire marriage-from both sides! This marriage will inly be saved if the poster and his wife stop acting like kids and behave as adults do (by sharing the complete truth)!

Edited October 6, 2013 by Scott Thomas

[Jonah]

She put up with his crap? SHE CHEATED AND LIED FOR 12 YEARS! I'm sorry, but saying things like this to someone that just found out, and then saying 'if you are worthy' as if there is some reason he wouldn't even be allowed to ask, is less than helpful.

 

Yes, he needs to make her feel free to discuss it, but you've just insulted him for nothing except being with her for many years.

 

Well, seether... with the further developments of this thread do you still stand by your words?

[road]

What about the OP facing the consequences for his 3 A's.

 

And you seriously think that a child - even an adult child - will not be affected by the fact that his/her FATHER is seeking retribution because he/she is not "really his"?

 

A BS who does this - especially years and years down the road...has a serious tunnel vision selfish streak IMO.

 

 

There is no retribution against the child of any age. It is just making the WS accountable.

[janedoe67]

There is no retribution against the child of any age. It is just making the WS accountable.

 

 

If you think the child is not going to feel rejected by the parent seeking retribution from the WS you are deluded. Trust me; I KNOW.

 

Things like DNA testing 20 years later, coercing contact between the FWW and an OM for shock value, and bringing up the A every few years AGAIN are all truly sad, and not something that Dr. Harley would EVER endorse.

[Scott Thomas]

If you think the child is not going to feel rejected by the parent seeking retribution from the WS you are deluded. Trust me; I KNOW.

 

Things like DNA testing 20 years later, coercing contact between the FWW and an OM for shock value, and bringing up the A every few years AGAIN are all truly sad, and not something that Dr. Harley would EVER endorse.

 

Jane, Dr. Harley is free to endorse whatever he wants.

The child will feel rejected by the BH but will be devastated by the betrayal of the WW. Again, this is just my opinion.

 

I do not endorse what this particular poster is doing.

 

However, my opinion depends on the particular situation. Eg lets assume a man married a woman and they conceive a son. The man spends 20 years supporting and caring for his son. After the son reaches adulthood, the wife actually makes a mistake and and accidentally says something that makes the husband suspicious. He suspects that his wife cheated years ago but never confessed. He conducts a paternity test to discover that this son is not his biological offspring. He is devastated. For years, he believed he raised his own son but was actually duped by his wife.

 

Yes the son will be affected. But his sense of betrayal can not be compared to what the husband is feeling; a cheating wife who tricked him into raising someone else's child.

 

You can not blame the BH if the pain is too great and he is too devastated to maintain any contact with the son. This is perhaps the worst thing a woman could do, apart from literally killing her husband.

 

The blame, on this occasion, lies solely with the WW. Not the father. Not the son. Why would you blame a BH? If their relationship breaks down, it's that cheating wife's fault. PERIOD. Imagine a husband fathering a son with his mistress and then asking his loyal wife to love this child as her own and pay for the child's upbringing.

 

However, this is the case where a man was misled into believing that a child was biologically his. The OP's scenario is a tad different.

 

In the OP's case, if he doubted the children's paternity, a DNA test should have been conducted years ago when the children were born. Only when you verify that a child is yours and have forgiven/reconciled with the WW, is retesting with the aim of punishing a WW is stupid and cruel.

[Jonah]

 

Things like DNA testing 20 years later,

 

DNA testing 10 or 20 years later? After the kid is raised or even half way raised? Absolutely ridiculous. Who could be so cowardly and selfish? Love is thicker than blood.

[Scott Thomas]

Is there anyone else who thinks we should wait until we have a clear picture of what's going on. The OP and his wife has shown us that there are two radically different sides in this story.

[Jonah]

It's funny that grumblebum hadn't posted since mum posted... he probably can't see from the stiletto heal sticking out of his eyeball socket!

[Jonah]

It's a shame you posted this without even checking to see if I had posted anything else.

 

Maybe next time, huh?

 

You couldn't see into his first post the obvious farce contained within so when I called the bum out on it you attacked me.

 

Still no personal apology? Maybe next time... ;-)

[janedoe67]

Jane, Dr. Harley is free to endorse whatever he wants.

The child will feel rejected by the BH but will be devastated by the betrayal of the WW. Again, this is just my opinion.

 

I do not endorse what this particular poster is doing.

 

However, my opinion depends on the particular situation. Eg lets assume a man married a woman and they conceive a son. The man spends 20 years supporting and caring for his son. After the son reaches adulthood, the wife actually makes a mistake and and accidentally says something that makes the husband suspicious. He suspects that his wife cheated years ago but never confessed. He conducts a paternity test to discover that this son is not his biological offspring. He is devastated. For years, he believed he raised his own son but was actually duped by his wife.

 

Yes the son will be affected. But his sense of betrayal can not be compared to what the husband is feeling; a cheating wife who tricked him into raising someone else's child.

 

You can not blame the BH if the pain is too great and he is too devastated to maintain any contact with the son. This is perhaps the worst thing a woman could do, apart from literally killing her husband.

 

The blame, on this occasion, lies solely with the WW. Not the father. Not the son. Why would you blame a BH? If their relationship breaks down, it's that cheating wife's fault. PERIOD. Imagine a husband fathering a son with his mistress and then asking his loyal wife to love this child as her own and pay for the child's upbringing.

 

However, this is the case where a man was misled into believing that a child was biologically his. The OP's scenario is a tad different.

 

In the OP's case, if he doubted the children's paternity, a DNA test should have been conducted years ago when the children were born. Only when you verify that a child is yours and have forgiven/reconciled with the WW, is retesting with the aim of punishing a WW is stupid and cruel.

 

A man who would turn away from his child (and let's be clear, as someone who is adopted I RESENT the implication that if there is no DNA link it isn't real) because of something his wife did is not worthy to be a father. A man whose wife has confessed or been caught years and years ago who is still niggling around with this kind of thing and setting up surprise meetings with the OM and thinking of secret DNA tests for a child who he has raised from infancy to adulthood has serious issues. Yes, the wife cheating is a horrible thing....but it doesn't mitigate HIS self-centered obsession. And make no mistake, it IS a self centered obsession.

 

I have been on marriage forums for quite a few years and let's just say I know people who are still spinning out the same stuff years and years later. I can only presume it is because they WANT to be a victim.

[grumblebum]

i did not come here to lie or ask for sympathy i came her to ask for a point of view regarding what is her lie

is it cheating in a marriage

 

here is our entire story so u may understand our first couple of years

we were very young her 16 me 19

 

first couple of months into relationship we argue she goes to old friend/ex to talk she ends up kissing him

couple months later i got drunk kissed someone

our relationship then is an on off situation

i have a ons where sex was involved the female ends up stalking me even goes to lengths of telling my on off partner she is my new girlfiend this is the person my wife thinks was affair

she goes out kisses somone at a club

i go out for a 21st get drunk find out that i end up sleeping with someone

she ends up kissing someone at my own house

i shuold inform that through at the time we were still living with our parents

we then decide to pull our heads in and live together our both of us are fully aware of what each other has done so we start to move forward

we have now been living together for several years she is 22 im 25

 

she goes out cheats at work party confesses next morning

our relationship crashes we split as she tells me she does not want me and wants to see other people

few weeks go by i go out with a mate have a ons couple of day later ex comes to visit me i inform her what i did

somehow we end up getting back together our relationship is rocky.

couple of yrs go by we get a computer discover the world of chat harmless at first i then have to inform partner she is spendind to much time chatting with someone it continues causing arguements

i discover she sent him photos of herself this must be what u call emotion affair she still says to this day they were only friends but when asked if she would send same photos now to anyone else she says no

we move to another state life is good we get married have more kids argue like every normal couple .

few months a go we hit very rough patch wifes hormones playing up starts logging onto my fb account deleting people she thinks i might of been with she confesses to doing this we then start rehashing old arguments couple of days later she confesses to her affair.

i fully understand now why she cheated back then i was suffering from depression excessive drinking to deal with my injury i even was violent so for my behavior i make no excuse

she also is aware now she could of supported me more

she said she cheated for attention but also for revenge for my past somehow she forgot she also had a past when she did it though lol

she said the night of the work party her and om said what they were doing was wrong and they both should stop but she also said she was even thinking of me whils she was doing it

she has told me she wanted to keep it a secret to safeguard her heart incase i ever cheated again but then why would she ask me to marry her

and admits if i didnt beg her she still probably wouldnt of told me

i have been honest with her in any way i could with details but getting as drunk as i did has clouded my memory i owe her comlpete honesty its very frustrating when asked and i cant give an answer

she has aslo changed her story since her confession so i am confused as to believe

everything we both did in the past was layed to rest when we got married so i believed and we both accepted what we did i was not prepared for her to confess to a month long affair many yrs down the track

 

i have been truthful faithful in my marriage all i want to know is has a lie been brought into it or has cheating

[Scott Thomas]

A man who would turn away from his child (and let's be clear, as someone who is adopted I RESENT the implication that if there is no DNA link it isn't real) because of something his wife did is not worthy to be a father. A man whose wife has confessed or been caught years and years ago who is still niggling around with this kind of thing and setting up surprise meetings with the OM and thinking of secret DNA tests for a child who he has raised from infancy to adulthood has serious issues. Yes, the wife cheating is a horrible thing....but it doesn't mitigate HIS self-centered obsession. And make no mistake, it IS a self centred obsession.

 

I have been on marriage forums for quite a few years and let's just say I know people who are still spinning out the same stuff years and years later. I can only presume it is because they WANT to be a victim.

 

The point I am trying to make is that, for a man who just discovered that his child was not really his biological offspring, the pain and the emotions he might be feeling could easily result in a spur-of-the-moment decision of leaving everything behind and running away to lessen his pain. This is a natural human response.

 

The man's decision depends on when he found out; if he knew about this when the baby was born but accepted it, he shouldn't run away after spending 12 years. If he does run away, that is still his decision and we shouldn't pass a judgement on his worth as a father without understanding what he's going through.

 

However, a man who, after spending 20 years bonding with a child, discovered that the child wasn't his, if fully entitled to feel outraged.

However, the innocent party, in this case the child, should not be harmed.

 

What we think is right or wrong can easily change if we go through such an experience. There is a difference between the conscious choice to adopt a child and raise it with love and affection, and being misled into believing that it is his child. He if completely entitled to decide whether he wants to spend his income and invest his love in that child. While this is extremely unfair for the child in question, the fault lied with the WW.

 

You are talking about the OP. I agree with the assessment that IF THE OP KNOWS THAT THE CHILDREN ARE REALLY HIS, going through with a paternity test with the aim of 'punishing' his wife is a calculated and deliberate attempt aimed at hurting her, and the children's feelings.

 

 

For a man who did not know about the true paternity of his children and just discovered yesterday that his child wasn't his, he is absolutely free to walk away. This is his right. In Europe, paternity fraud is a serious crime; this is a decision that most European legislative bodies agree with-once a man proves he that the child is not his, that he was framed for years and only recently found out, he has the right to sue the WW for paternity fraud and can stop investing his resources for that child's sake. To the best of my knowledge, similar cases do exist in the US. In the event of discovery, a man had 1-2 years to take his case to a court, prove that he was misled and can divorce his wife-he will not have to pay child support. Is this unfair for the innocent child? Yes. However, should a man be forced to spend his resources on a child that was born because of his wayward wife's affair? No. This, in my opinion, is extremely unfair for the innocent and betrayed husband.

In the OP's case, he is sure that he is the father of his children. Asking for a paternity test simply to 'tick' his wife does seem cruel.

 

Would you agree that a woman who cheats with an OM, gives birth to his child, deceives her husband into thinking that the child is his, hides the true paternity from both the child and the father, does not deserve to be a mother or a wife?

 

Again, I believe the point you are trying to make is that if a man know the child is his and then resort to these tactics, his actions are detestable. However, my point is that if I man thought the child was his but discovers that his wife had an affair, his it and lied about the paternity of the child, the scenario is very different and he is within his right to end both relationships. In this scenario, I would sympathise with the BH and the innocent child, and I would hope that they find a way to overcome this colossal barrier between them. However, the WW who deliberately misled her husband and her child into believing that they were biologically related simply because the BH was richer or she was afraid of divorce, would deserve every inch of the karma bus that rolls towards her. This is a very different from willingly adopting a child, raising a step-child or testing his own biological children only to 'punish' a wife who cheated years ago.

Edited October 7, 2013 by Scott Thomas

[Jonah]

has a lie been brought into it or has cheating

 

grumblebum,

 

After reading and rereading everything that you have posted, here are my opinions:

 

No, a lie has not been brought into your marriage.

Your text is full of hypocrisy and self righteous justifications.

You have no goal here but to find things to bully your wife with.

 

And here are some suggestions:

Apologize then completely lay off your wife about everything.

Get individual mental health counseling.

[atreides]

I'd not blame a man for testing DNA. As I think the truth out would be better medicaly and to be dealt with.

 

 

Buuuuut, I would blame and think it cowardly and weak if he abandoned the child he raised and loved just because his wife lied. Just because it had been a "financial burden". The complete selfishnes of even thinking that is somehow is accaptable is disgusting.

 

The rejection the child would feel is so acute is is mind boggeling anyone could think it okay.

 

Agreed, I know of one such man whose child is not his but even after the D, he is known as Dad and loves the kids to death even though the actual dad is in the picture too.

[dichotomy]

i did not come here to lie or ask for sympathy i came her to ask for a point of view regarding what is her lie

is it cheating in a marriage

 

here is our entire story so u may understand our first couple of years

we were very young her 16 me 19

 

first couple of months into relationship we argue she goes to old friend/ex to talk she ends up kissing him

couple months later i got drunk kissed someone

our relationship then is an on off situation

i have a ons where sex was involved the female ends up stalking me even goes to lengths of telling my on off partner she is my new girlfiend this is the person my wife thinks was affair

she goes out kisses somone at a club

i go out for a 21st get drunk find out that i end up sleeping with someone

she ends up kissing someone at my own house

i shuold inform that through at the time we were still living with our parents

we then decide to pull our heads in and live together our both of us are fully aware of what each other has done so we start to move forward

we have now been living together for several years she is 22 im 25

 

she goes out cheats at work party confesses next morning

our relationship crashes we split as she tells me she does not want me and wants to see other people

few weeks go by i go out with a mate have a ons couple of day later ex comes to visit me i inform her what i did

somehow we end up getting back together our relationship is rocky.

couple of yrs go by we get a computer discover the world of chat harmless at first i then have to inform partner she is spendind to much time chatting with someone it continues causing arguements

i discover she sent him photos of herself this must be what u call emotion affair she still says to this day they were only friends but when asked if she would send same photos now to anyone else she says no

we move to another state life is good we get married have more kids argue like every normal couple .

few months a go we hit very rough patch wifes hormones playing up starts logging onto my fb account deleting people she thinks i might of been with she confesses to doing this we then start rehashing old arguments couple of days later she confesses to her affair.

i fully understand now why she cheated back then i was suffering from depression excessive drinking to deal with my injury i even was violent so for my behavior i make no excuse

she also is aware now she could of supported me more

she said she cheated for attention but also for revenge for my past somehow she forgot she also had a past when she did it though lol

she said the night of the work party her and om said what they were doing was wrong and they both should stop but she also said she was even thinking of me whils she was doing it

she has told me she wanted to keep it a secret to safeguard her heart incase i ever cheated again but then why would she ask me to marry her

and admits if i didnt beg her she still probably wouldnt of told me

i have been honest with her in any way i could with details but getting as drunk as i did has clouded my memory i owe her comlpete honesty its very frustrating when asked and i cant give an answer

she has aslo changed her story since her confession so i am confused as to believe

everything we both did in the past was layed to rest when we got married so i believed and we both accepted what we did i was not prepared for her to confess to a month long affair many yrs down the track

 

i have been truthful faithful in my marriage all i want to know is has a lie been brought into it or has cheating

 

 

G'damit who is the victim here? ...alright who ever pulls a name out of the bowl is the most abused....and... wait your real name is what?

 

[road]

i did not come here to lie or ask for sympathy i came her to ask for a point of view regarding what is her lie

is it cheating in a marriage

 

i have been truthful faithful in my marriage all i want to know is has a lie been brought into it or has cheating

 

 

The above does not make sense?

 

What does make sense is that you married a serial cheater. A serial cheater married a serial cheater.

 

You both need IC to break the cycle.

 

You both need MC to learn how to recover after the affairs and have a healthy relationship. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[Scott Thomas]

The above does not make sense?

 

What does make sense is that you married a serial cheater. A serial cheater married a serial cheater.

 

You both need IC to break the cycle.

 

You both need MC to learn how to recover after the affairs and have a healthy relationship. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

OP, I agree with road on this one.

You both cheated. I think you can carry on fighting and cheating or you can decide to work on your problems, resolve your issues and strengthen your marriage. If these options are too hard for you, you're free to divorce. In any case, I feel bad for the children. They deserve parents who act like mature adults instead of kindergarten kids.

[Artie Lang]

Buuuuut, I would blame and think it cowardly and weak if he abandoned the child he raised and loved just because his wife lied. Just because it had been a "financial burden". The complete selfishnes of even thinking that is somehow is accaptable is disgusting.

 

that is one BIG f*cking lie.

 

his wife's actions are just as cruel, if not more so: bringing another man's child into the world and passing it off as her husbands'. are you kidding me???

Edited October 7, 2013 by Artie Lang

[road]

Where did I say his wife gets off scott free? I think in those case what she did is deplorable and damaging to both husband and child. But I think after years of raising and loving the child it takes a selfishness ans cowardess to abandon the completely innocent child.

 

So not only does the child have to face that their mother is a liar, user and all around terrible person. The child also has to face the rejection of the only father he has ever known simply because their dna doesn't match.

 

Where again did I say the lying woman didn't commit an awful crime against both child and father? No I stand by my words. Walking away from say a 12 year old is all kinds of selfish. And wrong. Walking away from the woman who lied about the potential parantage? Go ahead, no judgement here.

 

Children should not be thought of in financial terms.

 

 

The love that bonded the BH and the OC will not disappear. The relationship between the BH and the WW, and the OC and the WW will be damaged. Those relationships can be repaired.

 

We talk about how it is wrong to force the BH to live a lie. It is just as wrong to force the OC to live a lie as well. That OC deserves the truth just as much as a BH. That OC needs to be told who their bio dad is.

[dichotomy]

. The child also has to face the rejection of the only father he has ever known simply because their dna doesn't match.

 

.

 

Actually I think there is a good chance the child (especially if a teen) may reject in part both her "dad" and her mom over this lie - if there is lie (did OP say so?). The desire to seek out the biological parent may be strong, as it has been in other cases I have seen in person. I have seen open adoptive parents struggle with these feelings later when the child decided to seek out a relationship with the real "mom" or "dad". “You’re not my real parent!” can be soul crushing.

 

Along these lines we do tend ignore a person’s right to understand their biological heritage when we hide their origins. A paternity test to me is more about the child’s rights then the parents – this is why most states will NOT grant exception from obligations in these cases - although i wish they would place penalities on the lieing spouse.

[Scott Thomas]

I didn't say Don't test. I agree with that. I was replying specifically to Scott Thomas implying it was somehow acceptable for the Father to abandon his child. A rebellious teenager may seek the bio dad but I doubt an 8 yr old would. And I think if the tricked dad was a good parent most teens would not reject them for long. Besides it is emotionaly dif to do the walking.

 

My intention was not to suggest that this is acceptable, especially if the feelings of the OC are considered.

My point was that sometimes, the betrayal and pain the BH faces would be too enormous for him to overcome and he might just end up leaving the OC and the WW. The OC has done nothing wrong but the WW's actions might end up breaking the BH's heart and he may never forgive her.

 

Let's get back to the thread. The poster and his wife. Any suggestion?