How to get couples to learn about infidelity before marriage?

[Realist3]

I literally don't know, other than trying to teach your own kids.

 

I was very resistant to this topic, thinking I wouldn't end up with someone who would do that, and certainly that I would never. The truth is most people who cheat never thought they would.

 

I wish we could make "Not Just Friends" or "His Needs Her Needs" required marriage reading material or something...

 

How do you motivate hopeful young people to look at this scary topic? I only became motivated when I was put into the most painful situation of my life and learning was the only way out.

 

I don't think you can. Infidelity is such a taboo subject, and in most cases it is the last thing on a new couple's mind.

 

Your last sentence pretty much sums it up. Only until you are forced to deal with it is there a motivation to learn about it.

[BetrayedH]

My ex said if he had read Not Just Friends, and Carnes' book about sex addiction much earlier, he probably would never have done what he did either. I'm positive he learned nothing from either book. No that is not quite true, I believe he learned that he needed to improve his deception skills, and how to manipulate smarter people who read books like that.

 

Considering that your ex and mine are both still liars after reading those books, I think it's safe to say that reading them wasn't a cure.

 

It tells me that those traits are too-long engrained. Personally, I know I am a fundamentally different person than my wife and that started long before I met her. I shouldn't have projected my beliefs and values onto her; I assumed that she was like me. My mother was an incredibly good influence. So I am leaning towards thinking that this prevention that CT wants to explore begins in childhood. But I'll admit that I'm not sure when or how. There's no doubt that I constantly set a good example for my kids about how to live, how to treat people, how to be smart, and respectful, etc. But infidelity? My guy says that it at least waits until the start getting into relationships of their own.

[Betterthanthis13]

Considering that your ex and mine are both still liars after reading those books, I think it's safe to say that reading them wasn't a cure.

 

It tells me that those traits are too-long engrained. Personally, I know I am a fundamentally different person than my wife and that started long before I met her. I shouldn't have projected my beliefs and values onto her; I assumed that she was like me. My mother was an incredibly good influence. So I am leaning towards thinking that this prevention that CT wants to explore begins in childhood. But I'll admit that I'm not sure when or how. There's no doubt that I constantly set a good example for my kids about how to live, how to treat people, how to be smart, and respectful, etc. But infidelity? My guy says that it at least waits until the start getting into relationships of their own.

 

What I did with my kid was to talk about fundamental beliefs and good decision making skills in the abstract and with analogies since he was old enough to do things like that (probably age 10 or so) and then as each year passed when new topics came up (bullying, "ratting" people out, girls, cheating, etc) we had a basis for which to discuss them so that it didn't feel weird talking about sensitive or embarrassing topics. My son luckily never had much intereaction with my ex, but he knows (not the really gross details) what ex did and we have been able to talk about it and relate it to his life in various ways, like talking about how a lot of his friends watch a LOT of porn and why that could be dangerous, etc.

 

A couple years ago, my kid's best friend had a long term girlfriend that he cheated on. We spent a lot of time talking about that back then, but only after he made the choice to do it, and it was too late. His gf broke up with him and wouldn't talk to him, and he was miserable. They were probably 16 at the time. So that was too late I think. At that point my knowledge was extremely limited on infidelity though, so I am not sure if I even helped him or not. I cannot remember the exact advice I gave him.

[BetrayedH]

My son is 11 and only interested in Minecraft, Call of Duty, and the fact that his Dad won't let him have Grand Theft Auto. I can't see having these discussions now.

[Spark1111]

Perhaps the best thing we can do is not avoid conflict and teach our children to identify their needs and clearly communicate them in a respectful manner.

 

Even angry, immature, self-entitled feelings, because after all, they are children.

 

I think it is always prudent to encourage total honesty and to not punish lying severely which teaches children to lie to avoid consequences and conflict and that can become ingrained in them lifelong.

 

if nothing else, telling the truth and not avoiding conflict takes courage and that should be praised even though the actions maybe unacceptable.

[compulsivedancer]

What I did with my kid was to talk about fundamental beliefs and good decision making skills in the abstract and with analogies since he was old enough to do things like that (probably age 10 or so) and then as each year passed when new topics came up (bullying, "ratting" people out, girls, cheating, etc) we had a basis for which to discuss them so that it didn't feel weird talking about sensitive or embarrassing topics. My son luckily never had much intereaction with my ex, but he knows (not the really gross details) what ex did and we have been able to talk about it and relate it to his life in various ways, like talking about how a lot of his friends watch a LOT of porn and why that could be dangerous, etc.

 

A couple years ago, my kid's best friend had a long term girlfriend that he cheated on. We spent a lot of time talking about that back then, but only after he made the choice to do it, and it was too late. His gf broke up with him and wouldn't talk to him, and he was miserable. They were probably 16 at the time. So that was too late I think. At that point my knowledge was extremely limited on infidelity though, so I am not sure if I even helped him or not. I cannot remember the exact advice I gave him.

 

Actually, I would think this might've been a good learning experience for the friend (and your son), as long as he learned from it. Better to experience it now when you're in early dating, etc, than do it later with a spouse. As long as he learned from it and doesn't repeat his mistakes!

[Betterthanthis13]

My son is 11 and only interested in Minecraft, Call of Duty, and the fact that his Dad won't let him have Grand Theft Auto. I can't see having these discussions now.

 

lol that sounds familiar... Only it was Counterstrike and Halo....

 

This is a little off the wall, and not for everyone, but...

One way I was able to get him to talk was to propose hypothetical situations and have crazy conversations, such as how he would survive after a zombie apocalypse, or if we were driving around is ask him what he would do and how he would survive if I just dropped him off 100's of miles away from home in the middle of the woods... He thought it was hilarious, and the ridiculousness of it all kept him engaged and made him *think*. He didn't know that I was purposefully steering the conversation in certain directions...we were really talking about what people "should" do in different imaginary scenarios, and possible outcomes and consequences to poor decisions. Although...a lot of time we were totally off track and just talking about gross zombies.

[Betterthanthis13]

Actually, I would think this might've been a good learning experience for the friend (and your son), as long as he learned from it. Better to experience it now when you're in early dating, etc, than do it later with a spouse. As long as he learned from it and doesn't repeat his mistakes!

 

I think he did.. The girl ended up taking him back after about 6 months and he has been good ever since... They are so young, but these two dated all through high school so it was sad when they broke up.

 

He now is done with school and lives with a roommate, and a couple of months ago his roommates sister came to live with them, and apparently she is "hot".... Lol. He was telling me that his gf wasn't too fond of the situation and was actually asking for advice on how to handle it BEFORE he did anything stupid this time, so I think he's doing ok so far he's only 20 though... We shall see...

[compulsivedancer]

My ex said if he had read Not Just Friends, and Carnes' book about sex addiction much earlier, he probably would never have done what he did either. I'm positive he learned nothing from either book. No that is not quite true, I believe he learned that he needed to improve his deception skills, and how to manipulate smarter people who read books like that.

 

I feel like "Not Just Friends" might've helped me before, but there's a good chance I would've scoffed at it, too.

[ChooseTruth]

I feel like "Not Just Friends" might've helped me before, but there's a good chance I would've scoffed at it, too.

Sigh, this unfortunately might be true for a lot of people. Family upbringing and example is definitely the most important thing. It's just slow. Maybe we can at least raise awareness and slowly bring ideas from the not so normal to being normal. Things do change even when they seem impossible at first. Race equality, gender equality, religious freedom, sexual freedom, etc. Not that long ago all of those seemed like ridiculous goals.

 

Maybe that's how change really happens, we grow up thinking one thing...life beats us over the head with cruel experience. We get motivated to look outside our little bubble, learn(ie read Not Just Friends), then we teach our kids what we learned, which hopefully is right this time. Repeat. overcorrect, screwup, try again, progress sometimes, setback others, go further the next time. And so society marches on slowly making a net gain. I do believe we have made tons of progress over the last several thousand years yay us!

 

 

Edit, maybe one problem with infidelity and such is that we don't learn our lessons until our kids are half grown or out of the house, if we ever learn them.

[ForeverTainted]

Everything I thought I knew about infidelity did not help me at all. I feel like such a hypocrite. I was raised that you don't even make friends with the opposite sex when you are married. By friends I mean spend time alone or chat about deep things. I was also taught that infidelity springs up from soil that is fertile for it. But what makes the soil fertile? I was taught low morals, flirting, the opposite sex friendships within marriage, unaddressed marriage or personal issues, poor coping skills, and the list goes on.

 

And I still cheated. It didn't happen over night but at any point I could have stopped myself and I didn't. And I always thought I had good self control.

 

Maybe there are people who fall (or leap) into affairs who maybe wouldn't have if they hadn't had "fertile soil". And I guess all you can do is instead of simply saying "cheating is bad and only bad people cheat" when the topic comes up, you actually talk about all the different affairs there are, how hurtful they are to EVERYONE involved, and give your personal life experience on it without making absolutes. Like, "IN my situation..." I know a lot of people bristle up or just tune you out when you use words like always or even usually.

[Spark1111]

I think we should educate all couples to the three stages of a long-term relationship:

 

Limerance, that heady, in lust, life is wonderful, on cloud nine, you complete me stage that lasts two to four years. The relationship is easy, fun and wonderful, and it is fueled by the hormones released by attraction.

 

Then, disillusionment. the rose-colored glasses fade, the chemicals fade and couples must deal with .....the reality of each othe and day-to-day life. Complacency, boredom and power struggles ensue. So can complaining, negotiating household chores, and a lack of romance.

 

Either a deep friendship is forged by acceptance of each other's differences or resentment builds and couples blow apart.

 

The third and final stage is mature love; you know how to weather the storms together, remain respectful and each other's best friend and celebrate not only what you have in common but even admire the differences between the two of you.

 

EVERY long-term relationship will go through all three stages....and if lucky, you will reach the third stage.

 

IF you are a romance junkie, and believe limerance should last forever, you are in for a sorry life of disillusionment about every two to four years....