How to get couples to learn about infidelity before marriage?

[ChooseTruth]

I guess I just don't see how one can prepare, nor educated themselves on it.

It either happens or it doesn't.

 

 

 

Unless you walk into a marriage with NO boundaries how the hell could you prepare for infidelity?

Are you talking about preparing to keep it from happening?

 

 

 

It makes no sense to me.

 

I'm sitting here picturing me having this same conversation with my daughter My answer to her might be "READ THE DAMN BOOK!" haha, no not like that. Maybe this is good practice.

 

It's about

1) Keeping yourself from having an affair. (good boundaries, acknowledging hormones but not giving into them, knowing the stages of marriage)

2) Identifying and avoiding types of people that are more likely to have affairs (conflict avoiders, narcissists, people with no boundaries, etc)

3) Taking precautions that will make it less likely that your spouse will want to have an affair. (of course there are no guarantees) For instance knowing your spouses emotional needs, or love language.

4) What to do if your spouse has an affair, how to recover

5) What to do if you are caught in an affair, how to help them help and feel safe

6) What damage affairs do to families

7) What lies do to trust and how that affects a marriage and it's chances of reconciliation.

8) Learning the negatives of divorce and how it can affect your whole life if you have kids.

 

(each of the above are big topics btw)

 

Maybe it's really simple if you're 22, been married 2 years and your H cheats for simple sex. You divorce, never see him again. Finished.

 

What if you've been married 14+ years, there was an emotional affair (one may not know that term...does such a thing count?)...and you have children? Do you leave and split up your family? Do you kick them out? Was the affair your fault? Say the wayward spouse is involved in a sport, is a national champion, lives 2500 miles from all her family and this sport is all the social life she has. She has an affair with a guy in the top dojo (or only dojo) around... Now what? Should the husband make her quit? Should the husband tell the other betrayed spouse about the affair? Should I join the class with the OM? Should I tell the sensei and expose wide? When should I expose if so? How should I expose? Should I warn people first?

 

Take a look at my first thread here. I was massively confused. Just look at the length of it...do you not think I would have benefited from knowing how to deal with a cheating wife better?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question

I wish I had at least had a head start on all this stuff. It's taken me a long time to get to where I think I comprehend all the dynamics.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I'm sitting here picturing me having this same conversation with my daughter My answer to her might be "READ THE DAMN BOOK!" haha, no not like that. Maybe this is good practice.

 

It's about

1) Keeping yourself from having an affair. (good boundaries, acknowledging hormones but not giving into them, knowing the stages of marriage)

2) Identifying and avoiding types of people that are more likely to have affairs (conflict avoiders, narcissists, people with no boundaries, etc)

3) Taking precautions that will make it less likely that your spouse will want to have an affair. (of course there are no guarantees) For instance knowing your spouses emotional needs, or love language.

4) What to do if your spouse has an affair, how to recover

5) What to do if you are caught in an affair, how to help them help and feel safe

6) What damage affairs do to families

7) What lies do to trust and how that affects a marriage and it's chances of reconciliation.

8) Learning the negatives of divorce and how it can affect your whole life if you have kids.

 

(each of the above are big topics btw)

 

Maybe it's really simple if you're 22, been married 2 years and your H cheats for simple sex. You divorce, never see him again. Finished.

 

What if you've been married 14+ years, there was an emotional affair (one may not know that term...does such a thing count?)...and you have children? Do you leave and split up your family? Do you kick them out? Was the affair your fault? Say the wayward spouse is involved in a sport, is a national champion, lives 2500 miles from all her family and this sport is all the social life she has. She has an affair with a guy in the top dojo (or only dojo) around... Now what? Should the husband make her quit? Should the husband tell the other betrayed spouse about the affair? Should I join the class with the OM? Should I tell the sensei and expose wide? When should I expose if so? How should I expose? Should I warn people first?

 

Take a look at my first thread here. I was massively confused. Just look at the length of it...do you not think I would have benefited from knowing how to deal with a cheating wife better?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question

I wish I had at least had a head start on all this stuff. It's taken me a long time to get to where I think I comprehend all the dynamics.

 

You are assuming our relationship ended due to the affair... which it wasn't.

 

 

I still don't think you should PREPARE for it.

Somethings you can not prepare for.

If I am married and have kids and my husband HAPPENS to cheat, I will deal with it then, not now.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Sadly, that is the way most live their life, unconsciously. "everything happens for a reason", "meant to be", "karma". Little thought or none at all about the pitfalls that life has waiting for us all.

 

If there was one thing, that I think is the most important it is Self Respect.

 

We all know that the only person we have true control over.. is ourselves. Then that is where most of our energy to go.

 

If we work on that, focus on that, everyone in our life benefits. We would be more apt to listen better, have empathy, treat others respectfully. And maybe, just maybe...not slide on the slippery slope.

 

Too often on these boards, I read about doing what makes you happy. Well, lots of abusive people do just that. What if that little gem, came AFTER, Do Unto Others, or having Self Respect. Then if what you wanted to do "what made you happy", and it DIDNT Violate the first rules, then you proceed.

[ChooseTruth]

You are assuming our relationship ended due to the affair... which it wasn't.

 

 

I still don't think you should PREPARE for it.

Somethings you can not prepare for.

If I am married and have kids and my husband HAPPENS to cheat, I will deal with it then, not now.

The "you" wasn't necessarily specially you miss, but I was guessing at a situation that might have been similar. You could have been married 4 years or whatever. ^^ I still don't know.

 

Anyway, you seem to be cherry picking very specific aspects of my posts to disagree with and ignoring the rest of the info and questions I've given you, in essence ignoring the vast majority of what I say.

 

But I thank you for providing a great example of the kind of bone headedness I myself used to have about this subject. I don't know if I could crack my past self either. That's what this thread is about. How to get people interested in protecting their marriages and families from the devastation that will be wreaked on 50% of them? I think it's really sad that Harley's affair prevention book(His Needs Her Needs) is seldom read in the time frame it was meant to be read in...only in crisis when it's too late.

[Journee]

I'm in my late 20's and have already seen quite a bit of infidelity in the relationships of my peers. Divorces ,separations within five years of being M. It feels like it's becoming a part of the fabric of relationship's. Some annoyance like arguing over who forgot to buy toilet paper...or what your MiL said about you last Thanksgiving. It's so common and talked about. It's in the media and in our favorite scripted television. It's on the radio and in our social media news feeds.

 

Yet, lots of people think it would not happen in their relationship. They ARE the exception. Even AP' are certain that changing out partners is the answer. That their MP would not be unfaithful to them.

 

I really think it comes down to more than what can be learned in a book for many. Humans learn the hard way. Literally and figuratively. Some end up waist deep. Then look back and think " Duh! A. B. and C. were my warning signs." They were too busy living to take a gander at what was plainly there.

 

I begged my H to go to MC. I knew we were on a dangerous course. We had crashed and burned before marriage. I had hope that we would no longer be the test dummies. I was willing to do the work. He was not. The tables have turned since his A.

 

Some people do not want to do the work. Even in the face of disaster. Let alone before it even hits.

 

<----- learning the hard way...

[dichotomy]

We went through premarital counseling through our church. There were many good discussions about how to be loving and how to stick in the marriage during tough times. There was one very touching talk by an older married couple about how there were times they did not really like each other but they still loved (verb not feeling). They also did a 300 question marriage compatibility test on both of us which we scored very high.

 

However for some reason they avoided detailed discussions on some very critical items like sex, money, and also infidelity - except to say that infidelity was one of only two acceptable reasons (to God) reason to end a marriage. I think they should have discussed the causes of infidelity, the temptations and damages that can happen - in depth. We are all only human, and if not us, we may likely find friends or family hurt by this and it is good to understand the human condition and weakness. I will say however, they later offered married couples "date nights" with videos lectures on sex and cheating and sticking it out, but I think it should not wait till you are married.

Edited September 28, 2013 by dichotomy

[MissBee]

See that is another thing though, these are things I think you should lay out in a relationship before marriage comes into play. My man knows EXACTLY where I stand on things such as the above, and we aren't even married. He knows I would rather him tell me than keep it from me if he ever felt like straying.

 

HOW DO PEOPLE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF EVEN AFTER BEING MARRIED?

 

I thought we were talking about before marriage....

 

I was at least.

[carhill]

How to get couples to learn about infidelity before marriage?

 

IDK, I grew up sheltered and in the dark ages of the distant past and there was plenty to be learned and provided as guidance long prior to when the typical couple around here got married, generally between 18 and 25. There were parents discussing affairs, parents having affairs, religion banging away about commitment and fidelity, getting lied to by peers, etc, etc. Probably the only realities I wasn't aware of in my demographic until 'older', meaning in my 20's, was how common it was and that the default participating gender wasn't necessarily male.

 

That said, had my father spent more time during my formative years sharing the pain of his first wife being unfaithful and taking his kids from him, I would have likely formed some markedly different perspectives which may have prevented some of my own poor choices. He chose to be silent on those matters.

[compulsivedancer]

I think this is a great question, and one I've pondered since my affair.

 

I think the best thing I could have done in prevention was understanding more about commitment and boundaries, and working on myself more (maybe done some IC after my miscarriage, which changed all of my perspectives on everything, including my marriage and career, made me feel very alone, and greatly enhanced my biological need to have kids).

 

Part of the issue that H and I had was that I had grown up religious, and he had grown up deeply skeptical of religion, and neither of us is religious now. So when we talked about a lot of the things like commitment, traditional vows, marriage difficulties, gender roles, male-female friends, etc, we relegated a lot of that to old-fashioned religious views. (my religious upbringing also left me naive, but without the traditional counters to that naiveté)

 

We always lived fairly drama-free in our relationship and we always said that relationships aren't hard, and if they are, you're doing them wrong. We thought we were communicating very well. Well, surprise!

 

So much of my affair started with a friendship with a guy. A personal friendship, vs. a couple friendship. A friendship where we were careful about physical boundaries, but not as careful about other boundaries (we went out to eat alone, he tried to teach me how to drive a stick shift in his truck, etc, until it started to feel like dating).

 

H and I always said that looking (at other people) was okay, as long as we weren't acting. Which is probably true, as long as looking means something small. But even though we planned on marriage forever, I never really thought of our marriage as forever. I have always had "backups" in my head when it comes to guys. OM was one of those backups.

 

We skipped pre-marital counseling altogether, because we weren't religious, and most pre-marital counseling is done through the church. Perhaps if there had been more alternatives for this, we could've identified some of those issues sooner.

 

It's really difficult to know. As ChooseTruth states, I'm not sure if I could've gotten through to my younger self. I never thought I would have an affair, so I didn't believe I needed any sort of education on it. But now I recognize that there is a bit of a pattern in my family: my brother just had an affair, my sister's ex left her for his girlfriend, I have had an affair, and my mother was essentially have an EA while I was a kid (She doesn't see it that way, but apparently multiple people have suggested she was having an affair. Since they never did anything physical, it didn't happen, in her mind).

 

I am only 29. We were married at 21.

 

Many of our friends are just now getting married. H and I have always been kind of an example of marriage for our friends. This is part of why H disclosed my A to all of our friends; he wanted to make sure that they understood, so that hopefully he (we?) could help them avoid the same pitfalls in the future.

 

This post is all over the board, but it covers a lot of different things that went into my affair and maybe areas where it could've been prevented.

[JourneyLady]

Thread fail. sigh....

 

 

There are entire books written on the subject of affair prevention because people are so passionate about this subject. Really really good ones.

 

Anyway, I disagree. I really really really wish I had known what I know now, when I was 22. It would have made a massive difference in my life. For you to tell me otherwise is just silly. I am not alone that is for sure.

 

Well I for one agree with you. I was both WS and BS (difference between he and I - I didn't lie about it). I also think people should be educated on mental illness like depression and the justifications for doing "anything" just to get out of the pain it causes. I'd like to help people prevent the heartache I have had to deal with as well.

 

It's boundaries, as you state. I haven't read those books, but have read enough about them and know what they say. The author of one is correct to say EVERYONE is wired for an affair, given the the right set of circumstances. The only protection is developing sharp and consistent boundaries I wish I'd had them. I didn't, and now I live with regrets.

 

So you are right. You are not alone.

[JourneyLady]

In my case, I was depressed and ex-hubs suffered from low self-esteem to begin with and my depression and negative outlook worsen it, just like his workaholism worsened my self-esteem and my depression.

 

Had I known, for example, about how to self-soothe my way out of depression I would not have relied on attention from other people to "make things better". Thus I would have been less vulnerable to an affair -- even an online one.

 

That and boundaries... Really solid and core boundaries, would have saved our marriage. Outside of my depressive episodes, we did have a good relationship -- or would have had. But no one can be expected to separate the behavior of depression from the person themselves and neither could he. The resentment killed it for him.

 

These are the things I wish I could have learned. I could not have learned them from my mother. I still see evidence she self-soothes with what others say about her, even though she never had an "actual" affair.

[ChooseTruth]

We went through premarital counseling through our church. There were many good discussions about how to be loving and how to stick in the marriage during tough times. There was one very touching talk by an older married couple about how there were times they did not really like each other but they still loved (verb not feeling). They also did a 300 question marriage compatibility test on both of us which we scored very high.

 

However for some reason they avoided detailed discussions on some very critical items like sex, money, and also infidelity - except to say that infidelity was one of only two acceptable reasons (to God) reason to end a marriage. I think they should have discussed the causes of infidelity, the temptations and damages that can happen - in depth. We are all only human, and if not us, we may likely find friends or family hurt by this and it is good to understand the human condition and weakness. I will say however, they later offered married couples "date nights" with videos lectures on sex and cheating and sticking it out, but I think it should not wait till you are married.

 

I'm not really that religious anymore, but I think teaching morality in general to younger people is so important. It seems like only religion is doing this in a very serious way. I do think churches shy away from this particular nasty subject. One of my thoughts was to make a serious of videos titled "Marriage tips" or something and include info about infidelity. Disguise it I guess, included with other advice so people don't get scared off.

 

I wonder if Harley made a mistake with his subtitle to His Needs Her Needs... "Building an Affair-proof Marriage". Sure that's what his intention was, but it might hurt the very purpose he's going after. The book could be read as a general marriage advice book and not even talk very much about affairs.

 

That's another thought, maybe we should mention infidelity less, since everyone knows that is wrong, just talk about what makes a marriage good and what respectful boundaries are. I think relationship boundaries not only safeguard yourself against affairs, they honor your spouse by not making them look foolish as you spend suspicious eyebrow raising amounts of alone time with someone of the opposite gender. Also boundaries will reduce jealousy and paranoia among partners.

[compulsivedancer]

That's another thought, maybe we should mention infidelity less, since everyone knows that is wrong, just talk about what makes a marriage good and what respectful boundaries are. I think relationship boundaries not only safeguard yourself against affairs, they honor your spouse by not making them look foolish as you spend suspicious eyebrow raising amounts of alone time with someone of the opposite gender. Also boundaries will reduce jealousy and paranoia among partners.

 

That makes sense. During my A, everyone thought I was cheating with this guy, but since H trusted me, they figured he was right. I was spending a lot of time alone with him at his house. Even his mother thought we were "doing something wrong." And we weren't doing anything physical early on, so much of the PA could've been avoided if our SOs hasn't been so trusting.

[rumbleseat]

It seems to me that a good place to start would be to teach kids that marriage isn't just about limerance, it's about love.

 

The love that lasts through every frickin' thing that you can throw at it. That lasts through the upheaval of pregnancy and having a newborn (or finding out you can't have children when you both desperately want to). It's about being there for each other through the toddler and school years, through the teenage years when things can get really tough, being there through your children being grown up and gone ( or finding out your child will never be able to be on their own). It's about being there through job loss, tough financial times, finding a new job, buying your first home, looking after aging parents, illness, the death of loved ones, it lasts even when the kids flush the cellphone down the toilet . Like I said everything you can imagine, and that person is still the one you want to be with through all of that. There are going to be arguments, fights, slammed doors, sadness, unmet expectations and loss. You suck it up and work through that together. A team that stands against the world.

 

Marriage is about all of that, but it is about so much more. It's about loving someone so much that none of that really matters in the long run. The peaks outweigh the valleys, and at night, when you are lying together and it's finally quiet, then for that brief moment in time, all is right with the world, and you wouldn't trade that feeling for anything.

 

Kids need to learn that real and true love is not based on how many texts you send, how much time you spend on skype with each other, how much relationship "drama" there is or most of the other things that some people seem to place so much value on. The people who pride the selves on those kinds of things don't get it, and they likely never will. To them, love seems more like either a drug or some sort of twisted competition.

 

Teaching couples about how to "prevent" infidelity is a worthwhile goal,but perhaps it should start with the basics of what love really is. It doesn't hurt you, it doesn't leave you asking "why?", and it most certainly doesn't hide and flourish in the darkness. In fact, darkness kills real love.

[compulsivedancer]

And it's not that chemical feeling.

[2sunny]

Learning about infidelity is way more than just "infidelity is wrong, know right from wrong".

 

Young people don't see that there is a need to learn about boundaries, that there is a need to learn how to keep the connection going long term, etc. For instance young women need to learn not to go to male friends for relationship advice while involved with someone; we see affairs start that way all the time.

 

How many years have you been *married*? Have you had to deal with the pain of splitting custody of a 9 year old girl? I'm not talking about BF\GF relationships which are a trial for marriage. Thanks goodness you've had those experiences with your boyfriends, it may help you later in life. I WISH a GF had cheated on my before getting married and having a child...

 

It seems to me the people responding to this thread and clouding the thread are those people who have not learned these lessons yet. So far I've seen only one of the regular experienced older infidelity board members reply.

 

 

ChooseTruth -

 

For months many posters tried to help you see a healthy boundary for yourself - while reading your train wreck here. And for a long time you weren't ready to let go of what you believed your M COULD be.

 

Evidence can always be presented - but when there is denial - folks don't see what is real until they are ready to see their truth.

 

You can't make someone see what they don't want to see - as much as it may seem realistic to simply see all the evidence.

 

 

 

Is learning what a healthy boundary useful? Yes!!!

 

Do most folks think logically when in an emotional situation? No!

 

 

In the end - everyone CHOOSES their own path. How would you know you are sleeping until you wake up? You can't.

 

The ones who choose to believe their spouse won't/isn't cheating don't want to believe it. They are in denial or delusional. It is a defense mechanism that protects until they are healthy enough to process the facts. They become "awake".

 

The process can't be forced without severe pain.that is never a recommendation.

 

And some choose to close their eyes and stay in the dark forever.

 

Learning about healthy boundaries is useful to any age person - but processing what that looks like while in the midst of a crisis is very difficult to carry out.

 

Some choose to face truth and some choose to stay in the dark willingly forever.

 

Fear motivates most decisions - unless one finds courage and strength and starts honoring self.

[ChooseTruth]

ChooseTruth -

 

For months many posters tried to help you see a healthy boundary for yourself - while reading your train wreck here. And for a long time you weren't ready to let go of what you believed your M COULD be.

 

Evidence can always be presented - but when there is denial - folks don't see what is real until they are ready to see their truth.

 

You can't make someone see what they don't want to see - as much as it may seem realistic to simply see all the evidence.

 

 

 

Is learning what a healthy boundary useful? Yes!!!

 

Do most folks think logically when in an emotional situation? No!

 

 

In the end - everyone CHOOSES their own path. How would you know you are sleeping until you wake up? You can't.

 

The ones who choose to believe their spouse won't/isn't cheating don't want to believe it. They are in denial or delusional. It is a defense mechanism that protects until they are healthy enough to process the facts. They become "awake".

 

The process can't be forced without severe pain.that is never a recommendation.

 

And some choose to close their eyes and stay in the dark forever.

 

Learning about healthy boundaries is useful to any age person - but processing what that looks like while in the midst of a crisis is very difficult to carry out.

 

Some choose to face truth and some choose to stay in the dark willingly forever.

 

Fear motivates most decisions - unless one finds courage and strength and starts honoring self.

 

Good post Sunny, I think there are a lot of truths in there. Is the point that it's good to educate people but it might not help as much as I hope?

 

I think rumbleseat above is hitting on what I'm thinking about more now, which is putting this into the bigger context teaching people how to have a good marriage and love. Teaching about boundaries is not enough.

 

Also I agree that it's really tough to learn and digest all this info, and then apply it to your situation all within a crisis....yet that's what most people attempt. That's why we need to learn more before there's an emotional crisis. The hard part is getting that inspiration when you are young...when like you said, they are so fearless and naive.

 

My ex and I saw a minister briefly because he required it before he would marry us...and man we were not into that. It was very "go through the motions" kinda work. I remember just wanting the sessions to end. My Dad bought me books that I never read...he mumbled once that he should withhold marriage consent (as a Baha'i I needed parental consent) unless I could prove I'd read the book. He was too soft though and gave it anyway..or I was too stubborn, my deal really. You're right, he would have had to force me....just like the minister did by requiring the sessions before marrying us.

 

As for our crisis...I would hope that if ex and I had been better prepared none of it would have ever happened. We would have had a stronger marriage and put ourselves at less risk. It would have never come to me requiring she give up something she loved so much to save the marriage.

 

If she had still had the A, ugh...mind spinning around and around.....I might have handled it slightly differently but with all the lies and confusing circumstances it probably would have had a very similar outcome.

 

Funny you mention the dream/awake thing. I had probably my second dream ever where I realized I was dreaming just the other night. I realized it because I had planted a thought in my head, "If you can fly...it means you are dreaming". I was explaining to someone that I could fly, and then I went on to say, "But usually when I fly it means I'm dreaming...." and the realization was like...horrible...I couldn't believe it. Really? I'm dreaming?? I can't actually fly? Maybe I wasn't convinced lol. Yeah it wasn't until I woke up that I really got it how stupid I was being in my dream... Even when realizing I was dreaming in a dream, I was still very much in denial. BUT I think it was the thought, "I can fly..so I'm dreaming?" and the confusion that literally woke me up. So maybe if we can plant those warnings well enough we can wake up a bit quicker and purposefully than being randomly hit by a truck.

[Got it]

I think one of the best ways is to model what a happy marriage looks like, how a couple can deal with constructive discussion, etc. And unfortunately that is one of the rarest things. I know growing up I can't think of any friends' parents whom had a good marriage, who seemed to actually like each other. I learned a lot of what not to do but what to do, the importance of slippery slopes, disconnecting, and how to nurture the relationship.

 

I think if we focused on teaching this to kids, it would bleed over into all relationships. I think there should be more training/teaching required before you can tie the knot, therapy, etc. People talk about the high divorce rate, well if getting married was harder their would be less divorces.

 

I think we do a good job showing younger generations what NOT to do, what about actually showing what to do? Showing, not just telling.

[2sunny]

CT - your wife bold face lied. Then lied by omission. And you wanted to believe it so badly that you overlooked the evidence.

 

Then when most of the evidence was out there - you still wanted to believe that she wasn't doing THAT.

 

No "education" is ever going to force someone to grow a conscience or to have integrity. Either it's obvious or it's not.

 

Your WW seems narcissistic. Knowledge and education can't make her be a decent human being.

 

Let's just wish the best of luck to the next guy she uses and abuses with her selfishness and lies.

[AlwaysGrowing]

If we start with healthy boundaries FOR OURSELVES, it is a transferable skill/coping mechanism in all facets of our life.

 

Whether one is married or not, shouldn't matter. If you had healthy boundaries with members of the opposite sex, then infidelity is less likely a choice YOU would make, regardless of your marital status. How often have we heard from a single ap..."I didn't cheat", "I wasn't the one betraying anyone",...ad nauseam.

 

One would have to believe that being an ap was then a goal in their life(one more check off their bucket list), or hurting other people is A OKAY in their books...like many abusers.

 

Its US, its our boundaries of how we live our life. WHO are we. Are we the person that sits back and watches abuse..or are we the one that helps? Are we content with condoning actions that destroy others, or do we act/speak out against it? Do we treat others respectfully, or only those that we want something from, or are "worthy" (whatever that means).

 

We can not stop our spouses from cheating....we can however...stop ourselves.

[BetrayedH]

IDK, I grew up sheltered and in the dark ages of the distant past and there was plenty to be learned and provided as guidance long prior to when the typical couple around here got married, generally between 18 and 25. There were parents discussing affairs, parents having affairs, religion banging away about commitment and fidelity, getting lied to by peers, etc, etc. Probably the only realities I wasn't aware of in my demographic until 'older', meaning in my 20's, was how common it was and that the default participating gender wasn't necessarily male.

 

That said, had my father spent more time during my formative years sharing the pain of his first wife being unfaithful and taking his kids from him, I would have likely formed some markedly different perspectives which may have prevented some of my own poor choices. He chose to be silent on those matters.

 

I'm curious what age you think would have been the best. It sounds like you've judged your twenties to be too late. My daughter is 7 and my son 11. I don't care to threadjack (as I've had my own thread on this) but I am curious as to your personal opinion.

[crederer]

OP, you're very confusing.

 

Basically, teach your kids not to mess around ad things will work out better for them.

 

Like.....I'm so confused, the rules to being safe during an affair are the same as being safe while being monogomous (minus the deserved beating from your BS, of course).

[ChooseTruth]

Creder, sorry. I guess I didn't state it well. It's more about preventing affairs, and affair recovery if it happens. I do think it's more complex than just teaching kids not to mess around. I think society already makes it clear that is bad...there's more that needs to be taught about the slippery slope and boundaries.

 

BH I think figuring out who exactly should be educated is a good topic. I myself am unsure of the answer to the age question as well. It's probably not an answer like "You should teach them everything at 18". More appropriate would probably be a timeline of gradual teaching.

[BetrayedH]

During our reconciliation, my wife said that if she had read, Not Just Friends, prior then she never would have had her affair. Then again, I'm not sure she learned anything after reading it either.

 

Hmm.

[Betterthanthis13]

During our reconciliation, my wife said that if she had read, Not Just Friends, prior then she never would have had her affair. Then again, I'm not sure she learned anything after reading it either.

 

Hmm.

 

My ex said if he had read Not Just Friends, and Carnes' book about sex addiction much earlier, he probably would never have done what he did either. I'm positive he learned nothing from either book. No that is not quite true, I believe he learned that he needed to improve his deception skills, and how to manipulate smarter people who read books like that.