Do people know what they're getting into when moving in together?

[miss_jaclynrae]

Were you on the lease Jaclyn? Or did you guys keep that separate? Cause I thought you'd said all along you were staying in that apartment while he was abroad.

 

Yes I was, I was going to stay there but financially we decided it would be smarter to save and rent until he comes home.

[Harlequin_Dog]

There is no right or wrong time to move in together. It's seriously a very fluid thing- I've dated someone for 3+ years and balked at the idea of living with them.

 

However, I ended up moving completely in with my current partner in less than 12 mo. Though I was essentially living with him since around our 3 month mark- he took me home to meet his family, and I was on break from school, so once we got back I just stayed with him and somehow never ended up really going back to my apartment.

 

But it's worked out just fine for us. Neither of us took officially moving in lightly- we spent a lot of time discussing the relationship, and made very clear our needs/expectations of each other. We also moved to a new apartment to officially move in to make sure we started out with a neutral territory to evenly spilt and build up together.

 

Honestly, I think this links back a lot more to how a couple communicates. If they have trouble staying on the same page, or knowing what the other wants, they're in for a lot of trouble.

[Phoe]

I've never lived with a boyfriend so I'm not experienced personally...

 

A male friend of mine moved in with his gf after 3 years. They'd been having MASSIVE problems, had broken up twice in the past, constant bickering etc.

 

 

He claims to have thought that moving in with her would solve those problems, make things better between them, make a happier relationship.

 

 

Well, him and his derp ass learned quickly how wrong that was. 6 months later and he's desperately trying to move out. Has another place lined up, has discussed moving out with his gf (she is NOT okay with it), and is hoping that once he gets out it'll be the next step in finally breaking up with her.

 

 

4 years with her and it seems he's always wanted to break up with her. So instead he moved in with her.

 

 

dafuq.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hm. When I moved in with my ex, it was his idea. I wasn't sure as we were only dating 3 months and rocky ones at that. His reason was that it will give us a better chance as we will have more stability and consistency.

 

Worst reason ever. It was shortly after that s-t really hit the fan

 

If anything, moving in will highlight any problems you might have.

[Radu]

I dated a LOT, honestly though, even the 2 other guys I had relationships with, one I was with for 4 months, and the other 5. Nothing serious, it was all very casual, spend a few nights a week together, sometimes at my place, other times at theirs. The "it" factor was never there. So this would be more like my 2nd serious relationship.

 

That still means 20-25% chance of it working out.

If i go by my history [5 failed relationships], if the next one is the one, then 16.67% probability.

 

In my book, those are not betting odds.

Especially since, for me marriage is a one time thing.

[miss_jaclynrae]

That still means 20-25% chance of it working out.

If i go by my history [5 failed relationships], if the next one is the one, then 16.67% probability.

 

In my book, those are not betting odds.

Especially since, for me marriage is a one time thing.

 

I have no idea how your math works.

[Misfortune]

I have no idea how your math works.

 

Pretty sure it's 100/number of relationships.

 

"Next one" is relationship #6 so 100/6

[miss_jaclynrae]

Pretty sure it's 100/number of relationships.

 

"Next one" is relationship #6 so 100/6

 

I still don't get how my last relationships, where they never even met my parents, count in the slightest...

 

So ANY relationship counts?

If that was the case, my chances would be so much lower.

[ASG]

I haven't personally ever moved in with a boyfriend.

But my mom and step dad moved in together years before they got married. They had been together for a few years before that, but the logistics of moving in together were complicated.

 

My cousin moved in with his girlfriend what seemed like 2 weeks after they started dating. Seriously, it was FAST!

I doubt any thought of marriage was going through their minds at the time.

But, 6/7 years later, here they are, still together, with a 3 years old kid. Marriage is still not on the cards due to lack of funds... and no rush!

Like they say... they're already married. They just haven't signed a paper. And if they're gonna do it, they want to be able to throw the party they want, not do it on the extra cheap, with only the closest family there. They want it nice and big!

 

Can't say I see anything wrong with that picture.

[samsungxoxo]

Most men today, if given the option would just have a live in girlfriend without commitment. men today are selfish- they want the perks without any of the responsibilities

True but that's only if the woman lets him. I wonder how would a man ever try to make me his live-in gf if I'm against cohabitation and only believe in moving in once engaged, with a date set on and invitations passed out. He wouldn't be able to convince the unwilling (me).

 

In a way it's positive because by doing this, I'm making all the future fakers and ''I'm not sure you're the one'' types run away from me.

 

That one man who is brave enough to get me and fully take the plunge, will go for it. This is the same as wanting that nice apple found on a very high tree. Obviously the tree isn't going to lower itself to you but you have to climb all that way and get that apple yourself (if you're brave that is). No pain, no gain.

Edited September 27, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[MissBee]

There it is again, that extremely narrow minded view.

A lot of ridiculous general statements too.

 

I feel bad that you haven't experienced what I have.

 

I'm a bit confused....do you feel your situation is the norm?

 

I think sometimes we have to make distinctions between what worked for us and what seems to generally be the case, as something turning out well for you doesn't mean that most people who have done it were making the right choice.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I'm a bit confused....do you feel your situation is the norm?

 

I think sometimes we have to make distinctions between what worked for us and what seems to generally be the case, as something turning out well for you doesn't mean that most people who have done it were making the right choice.

 

 

 

No not at all. But I don't think moving in together too soon is something that automatically means one person has ulterior motives.

With my ex husband we moved in together after 7 months.

Now, that relationship didn't work out, but it had nothing to do with us moving in together.

 

 

I do not think people need to wait until marriage to move in with the one they love, I do not think that all people who move in with someone after a short amount of time has no idea what they are getting into.

[MissBee]

No not at all. But I don't think moving in together too soon is something that automatically means one person has ulterior motives.

With my ex husband we moved in together after 7 months.

Now, that relationship didn't work out, but it had nothing to do with us moving in together.

 

 

I do not think people need to wait until marriage to move in with the one they love, I do not think that all people who move in with someone after a short amount of time has no idea what they are getting into.

 

I definitely don't think that either...but Cherry T's post sums up how I see it.

 

From what generally seems to be the case, most quick move-ins aren't successful, and as you can imagine it's for many logical reasons, and being "in love" well...lots of people feel in love at the time and in love has led to many a foolish choice and isn't exactly the most logical barometer of how you should make life choices... Hence, if you're gonna advise someone, coming down on the side of "waiting a bit" always seems safer. There will always be anomalies and exceptions to every rule under the sun though, but I gathered the topic was about people who want marriage, don't discuss it, there is no engagement, they just move in with someone as par for the course in a relationship and then hope that one day it turns into more. It seems like the topic is about those kinds of situations where people wrongfully believe moving in is an automatic precursor to marriage, when for some that's where it ends and they've never communicated about this but thought living with the person was an automatic "in."

 

I think maybe what it comes down to is balancing being in love with also being able to make sensible choices AND communicate about the trajectory of your relationship.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Love is never enough.

 

 

 

 

I honestly have never met a single woman or man who moved in because was a precursor to marriage.

Everyone I know has lived with other men before settling down.

All my relatives are happily married [and have been for a long time] and all of them have lived with someone else, multiple people actually.

 

 

 

I don't think living with someone changes much about the relationship path other than the fact that you are now spending day in and day out with that person.

 

I always believe that nothing is guaranteed. I would not live with someone however if things did not seem to be going down the serious route.

Communication really is key.

Edited September 28, 2013 by miss_jaclynrae

[MissBee]

Love is never enough.

 

 

 

 

I honestly have never met a single woman or man who moved in because was a precursor to marriage.

Everyone I know has lived with other men before settling down.

All my relatives are happily married [and have been for a long time] and all of them have lived with someone else, multiple people actually.

 

 

 

I don't think living with someone changes much about the relationship path other than the fact that you are now spending day in and day out with that person.

 

You've not read the posts about people saying they've been living together for X years, when will he propose? There are several topics about this.

 

To each his/her own though.

 

I find it strange when people make moving-in seem like a natural progression. Like go on dates, meet the family, move-in...I'm always like: And yes it is weird to me when someone has lived with every or most partners they've had....I genuinely do not understand it.

 

I certainly have experienced the wanting to spend every moment with the person feeling and in my Rs often I would spend more time at my bf's place than my own, esp since I've always had roommates and my boyfriends generally lived alone. But for me personally....unless a more permanent commitment is on the horizon, I would rather maintain my own place and we have sleepovers. I don't feel it is practical or necessary to go live with all boyfriends I have. Call me weird, but moving in for me means that I feel this is "IT" for me, i.e. we're gonna most likely get married and have even discussed this. It's just not this normal thing for me to have a boyfriend and then decide we should live together because we're in a relationship.

[miss_jaclynrae]

You've not read the posts about people saying they've been living together for X years, when will he propose? There are several topics about this.

 

To each his/her own though.

 

I find it strange when people make moving-in seem like a natural progression. Like go on dates, meet the family, move-in...I'm always like: And yes it is weird to me when someone has lived with every or most partners they've had....I genuinely do not understand it.

 

I certainly have experienced the wanting to spend every moment with the person feeling and in my Rs often I would spend more time at my bf's place than my own, esp since I've always had roommates and my boyfriends generally lived alone. But for me personally....unless a more permanent commitment is on the horizon, I would rather maintain my own place and we have sleepovers. I don't feel it is practical or necessary to go live with all boyfriends I have. Call me weird, but moving in for me means that I feel this is "IT" for me, i.e. we're gonna most likely get married and have even discussed this. It's just not this normal thing for me to have a boyfriend and then decide we should live together because we're in a relationship.

 

 

 

I take everything on this site with a grain of salt.

I don't agree with living with EVERY boyfriend though, don't misconstrue my view. I totally believe on the it.

I believe that as long as the views of the individuals line up and the path is similar, it is not the end of the world to move in together.

 

 

My aunt was engaged once before, and lived with one other boyfriend before being with my uncle. They moved in together within a few months and got married very soon after.

I wouldn't move in with someone unless I was sure the path was going towards spending forever. I got rid of my apartment by month 4, and it was the best choice I ever made. Not only were were so in sync with everything but it was a great choice financially as well.

 

This is only the second man I have ever lived with, the first one I was married t. That right there shows that I only went into living with someone feeling that "it" factor, he is also the only other man who has met my family.

I do not believe in taking relationships so lightly, but I also don't know many people in real life who are like that. Things that happen on this site, hell, half the time I think they are either complete idiots or trolls.

 

 

I don't know many people on here who I would consider normal by any means.

Based on what I know and have seen in my life, living with someone is completely normal, if in a serious relationship. I believe in learning from experiences. By living with my ex, it definitely set the tone for how I wanted things to be when living with the next man I was with. Same thing with every relationship I have had. Not all work out, but I have always learned from them. I actually think it is really important in the process of life to make such mistakes.

[veggirl]

For me, living with everyone you're halfway serious with really takes away from the special excitement of moving in with someone. I totally agree with you MissBee, it's getting to the point where moving in is like, expected as long as you've dated for a few months. Really crazy to me, not my thing at all. I don't want to move in and out of 5 different boyfriends places over the years For me any time of relationship that is still measured in "months" is definitely too soon. I take moving in very seriously, not something to do because "zomg love you can't be without you".

 

And um Jaclyn, to be real, you've lived with both boyfriends you consider serious. Both of which you moved in with mere months into the relationships. At 22 (?) you've lived with 2 boyfriends. That is not taking moving in seriously imo. I mean you felt the future was secure and "it" with your man after what, the 3rd date which is when you continually tell us you stopped going to your own place......

Edited September 28, 2013 by veggirl

[miss_jaclynrae]

It's like girls who are 25 and tell you they've lived with 3 boyfriends. Like WHAT?!

 

People who move in with all their SOs after like 6 mos are cray cray. They are desperate for relationships and lack the emotional maturity to actually SUSTAIN a relationship. I mean it's like people nowadays start dating and it's like a few months later a GIVEN that they should move in. Hell no. It's a huge step. One people take WAY too lightly imo.

 

You know how some dudes don't wanna date a girl who's slept with X number of guys? I don't wanna date a guy who's lived with a bunch of gf's! Cause it's something I take VERY seriously.

 

It puts people into more serious of a relationship than their relationship is actually ready for.

 

It's why you see posts "we have been together 18 mos and lived together for a year.....we haven't really gotten along for the last half of it" blah blah blah but now they are "stuck" cause they moved in and made the R so much more serious than the R deserved.

 

 

 

It is statements like THIS that make me stand up on my soap box. I believe in things happening naturally. I naturally moved in with my man after only 4 months together. We already knew what the end goal was long term. Our relationships didn't become more serious because we moved in together, it already was naturally becoming serious. Everyone I know who has lived with a partner, it happened naturally.

[miss_jaclynrae]

For me, living with everyone you're halfway serious with really takes away from the special excitement of moving in with someone. I totally agree with you MissBee, it's getting to the point where moving in is like, expected as long as you've dated for a few months. Really crazy to me, not my thing at all. I don't want to move in and out of 5 different boyfriends places over the years For me any time of relationship that is still measured in "months" is definitely too soon. I take moving in very seriously, not something to do because "zomg love you can't be without you".

 

And um Jaclyn, to be real, you've lived with both boyfriends you consider serious. Both of which you moved in with mere months into the relationships. At 22 (?) you've lived with 2 boyfriends. That is not taking moving in seriously imo. I mean you felt the future was secure and "it" with your man after what, the 3rd date which is when you continually tell us you stopped going to your own place......

 

 

And this is why I don't pay attention to half the crap people online say.

You can't argue with crazy.

 

At 23, I have lived with 2 men. One I ended up marrying, and the other I am with now.

How does that last paragraph of yours matter in the slightest?

If you ask me, I see marrying someone as very serious. That is just me though.

 

BTW, if you have never moved in with a partner before, how do you know it is even THAT exciting?

What happens when you find out you can't stand spending day in and day out with that person and OOPS, too bad, already married?

Your logic is nonsense.

[Els]

OP,I think you're assuming that everyone shares your viewpoints regarding the meaning of cohabitation and marriage. I assure you that not everyone does.

 

As an interesting cultural counterpoint, here de facto couples (who have lived together for over a year) have many of the legal rights that married couples do. It isn't as cut-and-dry as the US.

 

Rather than giving hugely generalized advice, perhaps better to tailor your advice to whomever you're speaking with depending on their views.

[MissBee]

I take everything on this site with a grain of salt.

I don't agree with living with EVERY boyfriend though, don't misconstrue my view. I totally believe on the it.

I believe that as long as the views of the individuals line up and the path is similar, it is not the end of the world to move in together.

 

 

My aunt was engaged once before, and lived with one other boyfriend before being with my uncle. They moved in together within a few months and got married very soon after.

I wouldn't move in with someone unless I was sure the path was going towards spending forever. I got rid of my apartment by month 4, and it was the best choice I ever made. Not only were were so in sync with everything but it was a great choice financially as well.

 

This is only the second man I have ever lived with, the first one I was married t. That right there shows that I only went into living with someone feeling that "it" factor, he is also the only other man who has met my family.

I do not believe in taking relationships so lightly, but I also don't know many people in real life who are like that. Things that happen on this site, hell, half the time I think they are either complete idiots or trolls.

 

 

I don't know many people on here who I would consider normal by any means.

Based on what I know and have seen in my life, living with someone is completely normal, if in a serious relationship. I believe in learning from experiences. By living with my ex, it definitely set the tone for how I wanted things to be when living with the next man I was with. Same thing with every relationship I have had. Not all work out, but I have always learned from them. I actually think it is really important in the process of life to make such mistakes.

 

 

I didn't say it to suggest it was your view...I was talking about those whom that is indeed their view, as they've lived with every or most partners, so it seems to be something they feel is just what happens when you're in a relationship. That doesn't resonate with me, even though in the culture I'm originally from most people just move in together and never marry.

 

Jaclyn, do understand that I am not commenting on the specifics of your relationship neither am I suggesting what you did is wrong. I am simply discussing the kinds of ways people go about/see living together that I disagree with and that for me, some of it is not my preference and why it isn't. I however am not suggesting that you or your aunt are wrong for it or that it can NEVER work, neither am I judging your choices at all.

 

My criteria for moving in is: serious, engaged, marriage is on the horizon. I don't see myself moving in with someone in a month or two or 3 or any unless we're planning on getting married and it is an actual plan and not just pillow talk. Is it possible that I change my mind? Yes it's possible...but as of now, I've never lived with a bf and don't plan on it. But that's not to say I think it is a crime or that I judge people who do. If a friend knew a guy for 3 months or less especially and wanted to move in I'd probably advise them to wait, it's up to them ultimately though, but I can see more going wrong from rushing versus waiting. If he is the one and so right for you, all time will do is make it more obvious...whereas if it's just a phase, moving in prematurely locks you in with them and entangles your lives more than necessary and if it is all wrong, then it's a lot more awkward to separate.

 

Well my friend did this last year, she moved to another state with her LD bf of 3 months, she didn't know he had PTSD from being in the military until she moved to another state with no job, no family and lived with him. It was all wonderful until he had an episode and he pulled a gun on her. Clearly this situation is not the norm at all...but had she dated him a bit longer as well as had she not gone to live with him in another state, esp with no job, she wouldn't have endangered herself in this way. I do think giving it more time she'd have probably realized he was a bit unstable before she moved in during the honeymoon high.So my advice is: 1) feeling in love doesn't mean you know someone well. This is just how it is. She was in love with him but didn't know him well and didn't know that about him. So although you feel in love, temper your feelings of wanting to rush with common sense and practical concerns and questions 2)Don't run off to live with someone you've known mostly long distance, give yourselves more face time before transitioning from a couple times of seeing each other a month to every single day I live with you 3)Be financially independent so that should you split up or you find out they are insane or dangerous, you can support yourself and aren't stuck in a bad position with them because you are dependent on them. 4)If you want to get married, do discuss this and know where you stand before moving in and waiting for them to propose.

Edited September 28, 2013 by MissBee

[miss_jaclynrae]

I didn't say it to suggest it was your view...I was talking about those whom that is indeed their view, as they've lived with every or most partners, so it seems to be something they feel is just what happens when you're in a relationship. That doesn't resonate with me, even though in the culture I'm originally from most people just move in together and never marry.

 

Jaclyn, do understand that I am not commenting on the specifics of your relationship neither am I suggesting what you did is wrong. I am simply discussing the kinds of ways people go about/see living together that I disagree with and that for me, some of it is not my preference and why it isn't. I however am not suggesting that you or your aunt are wrong for it or that it can NEVER work, neither am I judging your choices at all.

 

My criteria for moving in is: serious, engaged, marriage is on the horizon. I don't see myself moving in with someone in a month or two or 3 or any unless we're planning on getting married and it is an actual plan and not just pillow talk. Is it possible that I change my mind? Yes it's possible...but as of now, I've never lived with a bf and don't plan on it. But that's not to say I think it is a crime or that I judge people who do. If a friend knew a guy for 3 months or less especially and wanted to move in I'd probably advise them to wait, it's up to them ultimately though, but I can see more going wrong from rushing versus waiting. If he is the one and so right for you, all time will do is make it more obvious...whereas if it's just a phase, moving in prematurely locks you in with them and entangles your lives more than necessary and if it is all wrong, then it's a lot more awkward to separate.

 

Well my friend did this last year, she moved to another state with her LD bf of 3 months, she didn't know he had PTSD from being in the military until she moved to another state with no job, no family and lived with him. It was all wonderful until he had an episode and he pulled a gun on her. Clearly this situation is not the norm at all...but had she dated him a bit longer as well as had she not gone to live with him in another state, esp with no job, she wouldn't have endangered herself in this way. I do think giving it more time she'd have probably realized he was a bit unstable before she moved in during the honeymoon high.So my advice is: 1) feeling in love doesn't mean you know someone well. This is just how it is. She was in love with him but didn't know him well and didn't know that about him. So although you feel in love, temper your feelings of wanting to rush with common sense and practical concerns and questions 2)Don't run off to live with someone you've known mostly long distance, give yourselves more face time before transitioning from a couple times of seeing each other a month to every single day I live with you 3)Be financially independent so that should you split up or you find out they are insane or dangerous, you can support yourself and aren't stuck in a bad position with them because you are dependent on them. 4)If you want to get married, do discuss this and know where you stand before moving in and waiting for them to propose.

 

I had a feeling when I said miscontrue that you would assume I am getting defensive.

I agree with almost everything you said, completely.

Especially your advice points.

 

All I am saying is that I honestly don't know anyone who would move in with their partner without considering those points.

 

My ex was a special circumstance, so I won't touch on that situation.

As for my relationship now? 4 months in if NOT doing what we were [spending every moment together] I probably wouldn't have made that move.

Heck, I almost didn't due to my finances being thrown up in the air right before we were planning on making it happen.

It is a very serious thing, but I do not believe that just because it happens before being married or even in a small amount of time that it is the WRONG choice. Or that the people have no idea what they are getting into.

 

 

 

Then again, I surround myself with intelligent people. I wouldn't automatically assume they were making a non thought out choice,

[It's Just Me]

Come on, people! Miss Jaclyn is HAPPY! Quit nitpicking, already.

[MissBee]

I had a feeling when I said miscontrue that you would assume I am getting defensive.

I agree with almost everything you said, completely.

Especially your advice points.

 

All I am saying is that I honestly don't know anyone who would move in with their partner without considering those points.

 

My ex was a special circumstance, so I won't touch on that situation.

As for my relationship now? 4 months in if NOT doing what we were [spending every moment together] I probably wouldn't have made that move.

Heck, I almost didn't due to my finances being thrown up in the air right before we were planning on making it happen.

It is a very serious thing, but I do not believe that just because it happens before being married or even in a small amount of time that it is the WRONG choice. Or that the people have no idea what they are getting into.

 

 

 

Then again, I surround myself with intelligent people. I wouldn't automatically assume they were making a non thought out choice,

 

 

It's reasonable to say that some people know what they're getting into and some don't, for some it was a choice that worked and for some it absolutely wasn't. In terms of where you're willing to gamble, too quick seems like the losing horse most times.

 

I surround myself with smart people too and most of my friends haven't done anything like that; however, some of them are not smart about love at all and seem to throw all caution to the wind once they meet a man . I realized this...love smart and smart smart are very different kinds of smart and one doesn't guarantee the other at all.

[veggirl]

Okay. Well people who consider themselves seriously in love and ready for perma committment and s.hit after 3 dates or 4 months or marriage at 18 years of life are not people I can relate to. So, no I can't relate to moving things seriously that quickly Girl *IF* things work out with you and your bf, you are the exception. I don't know why you can't just admit that? I'm 30 and have lived with 2 guys, ftr. First one was at 21 and I think it lasted longer than your serious marriage yet I still think it was a stupid thing to do and wouldn't encourage any girl at 21 to move in with a boyfriend (much less marry one).