friends with benefits

[LiveLoveLaugh]

I don't believe in "Friends with Benefits" for the very reason that you all are posting. If you like them enough to be friends and want to see them and hang out as often as possible, sex is going to take someone over the top.

Have great friends, have great sex, but keep it seperate.

Hearts get broken, why lose a good friend at the same time?

[statsgirl]

For every few steps you take forward, every once in a while, you take one or two steps back. I have been struggling with my break up for 5 months. Many days, it feels like it is the first day of our break up. What pulls me back is him. When i am away from him and have no contact, i can see clearly how good it is to be over, and then he sends me an email that says "do you want f... with NO strings attached?" I go crazy thinking does he miss me, or does he just need an ego boost. You have to really know your guy. He has treated me so badly since the break up, that I know it is an ego thing, and if I were to sleep with him, he would go back to treating the same way the next day, and i would be left having lost so much ground. It is like a push and pull struggle. You want so badly for things to work out, but yet you know what you've been given, and you have to work with it. I have started embracing my time alone, I have become more productive at work, and feeling good about it, which then, makes me feel more good about it, and so on. But then, there are those times when i get pulled back. Now, instead of falling into a deep depression, I take a deep breath, sometimes I cry a little, but i don't let myself delve as deeply as i used to, partly bc I have moved past the deep, deep stuff by allowing myself to embrace and cry it out until I couldn't cry anymore. I would cry myself to sleep every night until i started falling asleep not needing to cry. Now i have been finding myself waking up very early in the morning spending a couple of hours just thinking about it all and feeling sad, but feeling that it is right and for the best, and think about the kind of man I want in my life, and it is really is unlike this man. I have sought volunteer opportunities to help fill the void of time that i would spend with him. It is an opportunity to meet new people, do something that makes you feel good by helping others, and maybe gives you a chance to either meet a new man, or meet someone who knows a good new man.

 

Anyway, I was desperately searching for a way to stop feeling the pain. I searched web sites, and finally came across the following link that(even though it has a religious tone to it, and i am not deeply religious) helped me think about emotional pain, why we come to live with it and hold on to it, and how to let it go. It is not the end-all answer, but it helped give me something to help me understand my situation more than i did before. Hope this helps, please let me know if it does.

 

http://www.faithandvalues.com/tx/00/00/03/31/3110/

 

from: statsgirl

[qismat]

thanks fallen i really appreciate that =)

i think its really important to write your thoughts and feelings out, it really does help in the healing process.

 

exotic, you asked, "How do you know when it’s over? Is it ever really over?"

it could probably linger for quite some time if you want it to, but it only means you'll get more hurt in the end. its over when you want it to be, and when you are ready to just stand your ground. for me it got to the point that my ex and i were still telling each other that we missed each other and planning to meet up about 7 months after we went our own ways, and i finally had to just tell him i needed to let go, and i needed his help doing it. (although we planned to meet, he still didn't want anything serious with me). anyway, once you really take that first step back, and don't let the push and pull bring you back in for that first cycle, you'll learn that you really don't need him- what you really want is all those amazing feelings but for someone who feels them mutually back for you as well.

 

statsgirl i can totally relate to what you are saying in that sometimes you still think about it, and feel sad. sometimes i still thinking about my ex too... but just like you said, suddenly its different- because i now know that its not necessarily him that i want in my life. its just hard because we still think back to the feelings we felt and the memories we shared with these people. as far as the link you posted, i find faith really does help you cope and become a stronger person. personally i have always been into spirituality, and whenever i am down i have a few books in particular that are so incredibly insightful that i read, and really do help me to think clearly.

[exotic_angel]

Statsgirl thanks for your response, I understand the way you feel and I admire your strength and willpower, I know it’s not easy. This is not the first time I’ve tried to escape this lonely heaven, I always find myself going back. You see it’s not just him and I, I know his mother very well, we talk all the time and she really likes me. my FWB and I met when we were much younger and in the beginning it was pure innocence. What I’m saying is I can’t just put him out my life, his brother and my sister have been dating for 3 years now and someday when they get married he’d be best man and me maid of honour. It’s hard to just forget him, cause we always see each other, even if we don’t want to.

But I esteem you statsgirl, the way that you have taken this very painful situation and turned it into something so very positive. I know you’re going to find your way.

Oh and thanks for the website, it has proven to be very much enlightening and inspiring.

And thanks Qismat, it takes a lot to do something like that, I always held back from making that move and telling him I can’t do this anymore cause it’s causing me so much pain. Because I thought then things would be awkward and I was afraid oif losing him, but I think that’s what I must do.

God bless you both and may you have a beautiful Christmas season and beyond. I pray that this years 2005 be revolutionary and wonderful for us all.

[exotic_angel]

to everyone who has ever been in a FWB relationship or stil is.. does it ever work out? are there any hidden sucess stories???

[exotic_angel]

to anyone who has ever been in a fwd relationship, my question is does it ever work out?

i've been here in this lonely predicament for over 3 years now and i'm trying to move on..

but please someone tell me.. does it ever turn into love???

[Weird]

I'd say the chance of those things working out is very slim.

 

Hard to want to be with someone in a loving relationship way that you can just hump without any strings attached.

[bigacesteve]

exotic_angel,

I had a best friend called Emily at University; we did everything (none sexual) together and there didn't seem that anything would happen between us. We kept in contact and one day she asked me to come and visit her in London. I went down and I took a sleeping bag and pillows; we went out, got really p1ssed and ended up sleeping together. I then spent the next 2 months in a kind of relationship where I'd go down to London, we'd have our 'fun' and then I'd come back upto Stoke. It all ended when she met someone else at a Xmas do. When I found out she treated me really nastily. I enjoyed the shagging and spending a lot of time in London with her but we don't speak anymore and she was a very good friend. I always had feelings for her and when it went pear shaped it hurt.

 

To cut a long story short, no it usually doesn't work out. If it carries on, usually one person falls for the other. Even harder then when it all goes wrong.

 

bigacesteve

[statsgirl]

Exotic,

 

I actually do have a success story for you. My sister was with a FWB for 5 years and now they are getting married, but you might be interested in her story and what it took to get there.

 

It was all about the sex in the beginning, but of course, over time, my sister admitted that she fell in love, but he would never say that to her. He cheated on her over and over, and she kept sticking by him(just like i did with my FWB). But, she finally gave him his ultimatum. What made him come around, was not the ultimatum itself, but my sister walked away. She did not draw the line, but then keep hanging around, giving him the signal that she didn't really mean it.

 

The thing with FWB, is that if you give an ultimatum, you have to be able, willing, and ready to back it up. I didn't do that with my FWB bc i could not prepare myself to follow through.

 

Her FWB spent some time away, but then came back to her and told her that he realized how stupid he was. They are growing together and I think they will be OK. She does not let him walk all over her.

 

She did get more respect out of her FWB than i could get out of mine. Shame on me, I know, for letting him play with me the way he did. My FWB, once I let myself see with 20/20 hindsight, really did not show me enough respect. He could not love me no matter how much I stuck by him.

 

It could work, if both of you are able to grow through the stage of FWB into a committed relationship. He has to be willing to talk about it in the first place or it is not possible. If you take away all of the games, is there really love there that is just jaded by games. In my sister's case, that is what it was. In my case, it got as good as it could in the beginning, but he could not go deeper than that even if I could. That is when it started falling apart. When I was ready to go deeper, he could never do it. We fought for years over it, until finally, I couldn't take it anymore. He made the ultimate decision, but I was about to do it anyway. I am only now starting to move on and it has been six months now. I still cry often, but letting myself cry through the hurt, helps me feel less and less pain each time I cry. Letting myself grieve my loss, no matter how hard I have to cry is helping me move to the stage of accepting it. It is grueling, but I am slowly getting there. I thought I would never get to this point bc I have to work with him and see him everyday. Other people at work are starting to kniow more about what is going on his life than I do. That is what still makes me cry, but I am slowly moving on.

 

Hope that perspective helps you.

[mischafan160]

Don't want to be called a man hater or anything ...but I think a FWB situation is easier for a guy than for a girl...it's scientifically proven that men can separate emotions from sex much better than women can.

 

For example my ex was able to have sex with me even after he knew he'd fallen out of love with me...HAH.

 

Bottom line, I think most women really want love, not necessarily sex...whereas just sex is fine for most men.

 

I do acknowledge that there are of course, SOME men for whom sex and love are inseperable. I wish I could find one of them.

[exotic_angel]

yes your perspective has been very helpful, thank you for sharing..

i think u're doing well and i know it's hard but u're going to get through this as well.. i think the answer to all of this is finding something else to fill that time that gap.. meet new ppl and get involved in more things..

it's not always easy for me either, my FWB and i have been friends for so long and we hang out with the same ppl.. i saw him last night at one of our friends house and i'm having a pool party at my place tomorrow.. so another oppurtunity for us to see each other..

i admire the way ur sister handled her situation though.. i wish i was strong enough to do that..

but i think in a case such as mines that would be the best solution..

thank you for your reply..

[exotic_angel]

Originally posted by mischafan160

 

Bottom line, I think most women really want love, not necessarily sex...whereas just sex is fine for most men.

 

 

that makes alot of sense.. i agree... there's also this theory that says; men are emtional with women jus so they can get sex and women give sex to men jus so they can get emotional..

and i beleive that's somewhat true..

my FWB and i have known each other for over 5 years we were great friends i never thought i'd fall for him but 2 years ago one kiss changed everything and since then i've jus kept falling down this tunnel of loneliness and uncertainity..

i know he doesn't want me.. but we've got this thing going on and it's easier for me to jus go with the flow and let him have his way rather than i argue and fight him off..

we get along fine though, we go out clubbing, we spend time together.. we hang out with the same crowd and we see each other very often.. it's hard for me to jus block him out of my life..

 

all i really wanted to know was are there any success stories with such a relationship?

[statsgirl]

exotic,

 

I feel for your situation. It's similar to mine in that i have to be exposed to my FWB even if i don't want to be. I know how hard it is to pull yourself back emotionally when he is always there, and you want him so badly to love you the way you love him, but you know he will always keep taking advantage of you and never really treat you in a way that makes it feel like there is no struggle; the way you want to be treated. I was in that struggle for 3 years. The worst part is when I see him show the part of him that i fell in love with, to other people.

 

Maybe I can give you another perspective. A woman was on a morning talk show telling how she lost 75lbs. She is a lawyer who found it too easy to stop at fast food places to eat. She basically started living a whole new life. She joined the YMCA and found new friends to hang with and eventually joined a running club and is now a marathon runner. Her situation is similar to ours bc she hung out with other overweight lawyers and kept thinking that she couldn't change her life bc she had to deal with these people everyday. Well, eventually, she learned only to deal with them when she had to, and when she did deal with them, she brought her own healthier foods. She was able to be around them, but live a life all her own at the same time bc she found healthier substitutes for the things that were bad.

 

That is what i have been trying to do. Fill the void that hurts me so deeply and leaves me with too much to think and feel and miss him so much, and cry, and maybe even go back, just to keep the vicious cycle rolling. I have been searching for the answer to deal with this and find the strength to pull myself out of it. I put all of my eggs in one basket....him. I had to start from scratch bc i always believed that he was all i had and that i was happy with that. That is why i held on so hard. Dealing with him and my situation became an obsession. It is all I thought about....until I made the choice to seek out other things to fill the void, and slowly move to another place emotionally. That is when I faced how unhealthy he is for me, and faced that I feel all alone by choice. I don't have to be alone. I can seek out opportunities to let my life grow in a new direction.

 

I still struggle everyday. I see him, i think about him, i love him, i miss him, but i stopped calling him and thinking that he is all i have and without him i have nothing. I am still seeking the right venue to fulfill me enough that allows me to meet new people so i can move on and bring my heart with me. But, in making the decision to do that, i am so much better and i know i will get there. It's this awkward push and pull, in-between stage that is so rocky and makes you feel so unsure about everything. But you find that you are tough, and you can do this. If you make the choice and start acting on it, i promise, you will find yourself more able to resist as time goes on. I didn't think i could, believe me. I was so attached that i let him walk all over me. I let him play the games, as long as i could still have him. It is hard to be alone, but i realize now with time and space, that it was harder dealing with being treated less than what i wanted.

 

I really hope this helps.

[Curt]

Your comment:

...it's scientifically proven that men can separate emotions from sex much better than women can...

 

Bottom line, I think most women really want love, not necessarily sex...whereas just sex is fine for most men.

 

I understand the temptation to say that, but don't be so sure...

 

Sex alone might be fine for most BOYS perhaps, but I feel it is rarely true for most MEN.

 

Just thought I'd clear that up.

 

Happy New Year!

 

Curt

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by exotic_angel

but please someone tell me.. does it ever turn into love???

 

Generally speaking, no. Why would it? The perks are already there without having to invest the time, effort or responsibility of a committed monogamous relationship. Its pretty hard to backtrack and fall in love with someone after you've been using them for easy sex for a few years. He cares for you, but he doesn't love you in the way that men need to love a woman in order to commit in a monogamous relationship. Its not likely that he ever will. As long as you continue to let him use you, he will and nothing will change that. If you want change, it will have to be you that initiates it.

 

That will entail a clear outline of your feelings, and a firm 'no contact'. Sometimes a person will need to see what they are giving up before they can make a move.

[DewDrop]

No they don't work out!

 

I was involved in a sexual relationship with a friend for two years. We had an agreement that we would be sexual until one of us met someone who we wanted to be involved with sexually and emotionally. Well, he met that person and I was hurt but I knew we had an agreement. Sadly, we didn't remain friends because it became awkward.

[mischafan160]

Originally posted by Curt

Your comment:

 

I understand the temptation to say that, but don't be so sure...

 

Sex alone might be fine for most BOYS perhaps, but I feel it is rarely true for most MEN.

 

Just thought I'd clear that up.

 

Happy New Year!

 

Curt

 

Oh, good point. Unfortunately being in my second year of college, I am surrounded by hormonal lying immature cowardly simple-minded boys, so I've only been observing the actions of those useless creatures. I hope you are right, that maybe they grow out of this...at this age it's very hard to know if a guy is calling because he really likes me or because he wants to get some. I'm very tired of thinking (hoping) it's the former, only to be disappointed when it's the latter.

 

My New Year's will definitely be happy because I will be utterly, blissfully intoxicated! I hope yours is too!

[exotic_angel]

your replies are always helpful, i like the reference to the lawyer.. it seems like you have a really through understanding of this, but all the knowledge in the world can't seem to change the ways of the heart.

having to see that man everyday is so very painful and memeories and emotions can be resericted so easily..

in my case i act all cool around him, i'm a young successful exec. and he's a looser party goer that doesn't seem to care much about the "important" things in life. yet still here i am, infront of all our freinds we flirt and we talk but everyone knows how close we once were so they don't dig into it much..

he's a free-spirited freedom lover..

but i'm going to try that strategy.. continue being friends, be around as normal as before but cut off the sex.. oh this is going to be hard, but it'd feel so empowering to look at him someday and know that for once i have the control..

statsgirl i believe in u and i believe that women like u r rare and special u deserve someone wonderful, someone that could make u laugh and keep u strong someone to appreciate all that u r and every part of ur body mind and soul..

good things r going to come ur way.. set urself free from this disease of a man.. men like those men like ours and weak and r to be pittied we can do this..

good luck.. and happy new year

[exotic_angel]

curt

 

thanks for clearing that up.. at least there's hope..

and all of u r so right, i guess i need to illiminate the sexual part and see what happens..

i can't aviod him and i don't want to lose his friendship or the freinds that we both share.. it's so hard to refuse him because i always secretly think that maybe this time will be different, this time he'll care.. i guess not and this new year has got to bring a great revelution ..

 

happy new years everyone

[7on]

Yeah, I've been researching FWB on the web - because I recently gotten one. Though I only found out 2 weeks after she told me... I was reading through my AIM logs and saw it right there. I'm dyslexic a bit so I probably missed it. I hate AIM, but I use it.

 

However, after telling me this finals began and she couldn't hang out then we had Winter Break. I made a mistake... I realized I was in love. I can't get her out of my head. Constantly thought about her and it made me sick. She's busy during break so we talk less, she told me to call her over break and even would like for me to come up (though I doubt I can, it's 3 hours away and still live the parents during breaks).

 

Thing is I've never dated or even had a first kiss. I've had plenty of crushes and even had lustful fantasies. However - this is the first time I've ever felt love. It's killing me. I've never been on a date because I always wanted to just fall into love. Never occurred that the girl wouldn't love me right away...

 

Now it's not going to be sexual, she explicitly stated she only has sex with serious boyfriends. She's had 2. More cuddling and the like - that is when we hang out again.

 

My worry is that it won't work... There are way more bad stories than happy endings. But reading the net and this thread I came to realize that most people who complain about it not working have been women complaining about the men. I was just wondering if it's the same if the man falls in love with the girl first rather than the girl falling for the man?

 

 

I'm just really confused and lovesick

[exotic_angel]

7on

 

like with any relationship every FWB is different.. maybe u truly have fallen for this girl but it's not too late to be cautious. take your time and get to know her ebfore things get any deeper..

[7on]

yeah, I want to be cautious. But when you talk to a girl every night till the wee hours of morning, just over interests - you feel like you have known that person their whole life. I'm an awesome judge of character in a person. I know right away when meeting people for the first time if we'll be friends. I'd like to think this characteristic would carry over with love as well. The trick with me is to not let her know this - but I'm sure she does. I'm an awful lier, and have told her the truth whenever she asks me questions - except one.

 

My greatest fear is if we do get serious and start having sex, the relationship will become based on sex. I really don't want for that to happen. So I avoided talking about sex, even when she'd talk about it. Therefore she doesn't believe I'm that sexual/kinky. When in truth I'm a sick bastard. Still a virgin and all, but I had a very pathetic addiction to porn as a youngster.

 

It's quite sad really. I am constantly thinking of her and wondering if she's alright. She does drink a lot so I worry about that mostly. Doesn't bother me at all that she drinks - I just don't want something to happen to her.

 

And I've started crying to love songs and love movies... damnit, I'm just too weird.

[exotic_angel]

sex can be a very beautiful rewarding thing when shared with someone u truly love and care about.. honestly i think u're worrying too much over nothing at all.. if u both truly have a connection and a good relationship based on understadsning and trust then what's the problem.. let it flow..

[statsgirl]

exotic,

 

just when i thought i was feeling better....

 

my FWB called me at 8pm on New years eve to wish me a quick happy new year. He was 6 hours away in his hometown. It hurt bc i knew he called me at 8pm bc at midnight he would be with the girl he told me about that caused us to break up.

 

He was supposed to come home on sunday night. I called him at 11:30pm to see if he made it home ok. A girl answers his cell and says he is in the hospital(back home, 6 hours away). He had his appendix and some intestine removed. He was in ICU. I have been calling to see how he is. She says he's fine and hangs up on me. I told her about his relationship with me and how it broke up bc he told me about her and said that he wants to continue seeing me, but wants me to understand that her, and other female friends of his wanted to come see him. He didn't tell her about me at all. I told her that i was pg in nov and he was sleeping with her on his vacation while i was pg.

 

She tried to argue with me that she believes him, but i told her that the point is that he was not totally honest with either of us, and he and i are through now. He told her we have not been together since last year. I said that she had the right to know the other side of the story and what she does with it is up to her. My concern is that he is not well. If he didn't get sick for another 24 hours, he would have been in the hospital here where i live and i would have been at his bedside answering the phone telling her how he is doing. I told her that i am angry at him, but this is not about that. He and i are close and i just want to hear his voice and see how he is doing. When he gets better we will resolve this and say goodbye. I asked her if she could at least understand that. She said that she would tell him that i called and it's too bad if he doesn't want to call me back. I told her that of course he would not call me in front of her. She said "too bad then".

 

I have had 2 hours sleep in the last 2 days and have eaten one small meal. I am back to square one right now, or even worse. I am angry, but yet i am worried sick. I want so badly to resolve this and then say goodbye. I will not call anymore. I am sure he will talk to me eventually. What i am trying to work out with myself, is why am i so attached to someone who has been so disrespectful of me. I don't know if it has been so much emotional wreckage for so long, that i am in a vicious cycle of push and pull, is about genuine love for someone, or do i have a deeper problem within myself. I just don't know right now. I walked away from 2 other long term relationships with no problem bc they were not good for me. I wish i knew why i hold on to him and just can't let my the grip my heart has on him loosen up. It feels like it is killing me.

[exotic_angel]

Originally posted by statsgirl

exotic,

 

 

What i am trying to work out with myself, is why am i so attached to someone who has been so disrespectful of me. I don't know if it has been so much emotional wreckage for so long, that i am in a vicious cycle of push and pull, is about genuine love for someone, or do i have a deeper problem within myself. I just don't know right now. I walked away from 2 other long term relationships with no problem bc they were not good for me. I wish i knew why i hold on to him and just can't let my the grip my heart has on him loosen up. It feels like it is killing me.

 

Statsgirl

 

I know you’ve been in this exact position with this same man before. Many times I’ve found myself at the point of good bye and I feel totally strong and totally sure and then something happens; an incident to pull me straight back.

But you’ve got to overcome this, I truly believe that it is something within you (within me). we know the truth, we know this FWB could never work out and he’s never going to change yet we keep holding on.

I know it’s hard, but don’t make any contact with him until you’ve reached safe ground, until you could look at this situation and look at this man and see it for everything that it truly is. No frills no emotions. The memories will always be there and some feeling may always live on, but you’ve got to make your break through. I know you're worried about him and you want to hear from him and know that he's okay, but it's about you this time, not him, keep your distance.

Here’s my little solution; allow yourself to cry and be sad but only for a little while, then occupy your time with other things, meet new people with an open mind and keep focus on all the reasons why you don’t need him in your life. I know it’s hard and you need closure, but talking to him isn’t going to help.

You need to make that distance, lose that contact.

If he really wants you and really needs you, believe me he will find you; true love truly conquers all things, it can walk through fire and wait forever. You’ve given all you can give and done all that you can do, now it’s time to be free.

Someday you will have that profound never ending love, maybe with him, maybe with someone unimaginably funny and smart and wonderful, but whoever it may be, I know you must conquer this situation first.

I know you can rise above it.

And here’s one major key, when you’re all alone and you feel like there’s no way out know there’s a god that hears us all and he answers all prayers, I’ve learnt that with faith all things are possible.

Be strong and hand over all your pain to god, it’s works really!