I caught my fiancee cheating but she doesn't know it

[carhill]

Since you do have a relationship with them, they will need to be informed and at some point they will need to hear it from your lips and you will need to confirm that you saw it with your own eyes.

 

I join this and further suggest that such a discussion take place in person, looking them right in the eyes. This is predicated upon the fact that your families were intended to be joined in the bonds of matrimony and respect demands direct and personal interaction when terminating that process.

[oldshirt]

. I was never the type of man to talk bad about a woman to everyone but after what she did, I don't know anymore.

 

It's not talking bad, it's simply informing people what happened and why the wedding is off.

 

as long as you do it to inform people THAT HAVE A NEED TO KNOW its not slanderous or vindictive.

 

Yes it will be a bad reflection on her but that is simply the consequences of her actions and not because you are talking bad about her.

 

If you take the high road here and simply inform people that have a need to know of why the wedding is off and not slander her to anyone else, you will come out of this in much the better position.

 

She is going to end up looking kinda slutty and skanky but that is avoidable due to her intentional actions. She did this to herself by her own hand and her own spread legs.

 

You can't protect her from her own actions.

[oldshirt]

I join this and further suggest that such a discussion take place in person, looking them right in the eyes. This is predicated upon the fact that your families were intended to be joined in the bonds of matrimony and respect demands direct and personal interaction when terminating that process.

 

 

Yeah, there is just simply no way around it. They have to know and they have to know the truth.

 

There hasn't been any mention of actual wedding plans yet but traditionally the brides parents pay for the wedding dinner and reception and wedding dress etc so they may be already be thousands of dollars into this and they have a serious and legitimate need to know why this is being called off.

 

And they need to know the whole truth.

[anna121]

Don't let her tell her parents first. Tell them immediately before or after you tell her to get out of the house.

 

You have a rel-ship with them too, and it is right to explain yourself why the rel-ship (with them) is ending.

 

Plus, it gives her as little oppty as possible to spin things against you. I mean, she likely will anyway, but hearing it from you first will make an impact. It will empower you.

 

Might not hurt to see an attorney to ensure what you do everything by the book re: the house. Eg., you might be considered her landlord and have to give her reasonable notice to vacate (if she decides to be dickish about it). That kind of thing.

Edited September 8, 2013 by anna121

[carhill]

OP, relevant to the house, presuming you wish to follow the 'care more' legal path, one question to pose to a lawyer in your jurisdiction would be what constitutes constructive residence and what legal privileges obtain to that residence, even if the person is not tied legally to the home via a mortgage or deed/contract. An example might be is she considered a householder if she receives a credit card/loan/insurance/utility bill at the address? What privileges attend? Questions like that. Of course, you can 'throw her out', as I suggested prior was commonplace in the past, but people these days tend to use the courts more to redress such actions so perhaps a more cautious approach is warranted, especially if you have deep pockets. Good luck.

[bubbaganoosh]

You need to inform her parents. Call them and tell them what you told us and there's no need to be graphic. If you word it right, they will get the picture.

 

If they question you if this story is true, you tell them that after you saw what was going on you took the ring and left and that your fiancé called and left a message and one thing she asked was if you know where her ring is because she can't find it. That is your proof that this isn't some twisted joke.

 

Inform the parents that she will not be living in your house any longer and she will be returning home and you want to give them the courtesy of letting them know rather than hearing it from anyone else. I'm sure they will take their daughter in. Remember, these people didn't do anything wrong but blood is thicker than water. Just keep it polite.

[oldshirt]

. Remember, these people didn't do anything wrong but blood is thicker than water. Just keep it polite.

 

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

Yes.

 

They may not condone or agree with what she did but they will ultimately stand by her. If you try to shame or disparage her or rub her face in it or put her down in any way, they will shove back.

 

Just stick the objective facts and say that it was nice to get to them and wish them well and leave it at that.

[road]

Another thing I get along great with her parents too but should I inform them about this or not? They are asked what happened anyway.

 

Right now only my cousin knows this. I was never the type of man to talk bad about a woman to everyone but after what she did, I don't know anymore.

 

 

Definitely tell the WGF's parents.

[Jonah]

Another thing I get along great with her parents too but should I inform them about this or not? They are asked what happened anyway.

 

Right now only my cousin knows this. I was never the type of man to talk bad about a woman to everyone but after what she did, I don't know anymore.

 

I am never one to advise a smear campaign. But in this case with the knife solidly in your back... Rat her out to her parents and the rest of the world. Include all details. This will do her good.

[BeholdtheMan]

Should I have beaten up the other guy she was cheating with?

Why the fu** should you have beaten up the guy? Unless he's your friend, he owes no loyalty to you. Save your anger and disgust for your cheating fiance

[aliveagain]

Did you post on another site that you came home early from a business trip, found clothing in the house and heard your fiancé and a man's voice coming from your bedroom, you looked in and saw him climbing onto your fiancé than sat outside your bedroom while he banged her? Why did you not slam a door when you left to let the Whore know you found them? Kick her cheating ass out, have her parents come and get her tainted ass, don't waste one more moment, do it as fast as you can dial their number. Show her you have b**ls. She's nothing but a skank for sure but on that thread you called her your wife, here she's your girlfriend, is this real?

[stillafool]

I agree with others that you should nail her to the wall. Don't be nice about it or listen to her lies. You've already seen who she is in living color. If you don't take a very severe hard line with her she will never look back on you with respect. The fact that she screwed this guy in YOUR house tells you how much respect she has for you as a man. You need to kick her ass to the curb, not call her parents (because ultimately this is their child and they WILL stick by her). If they call you tell them the truth. Do it now because running away and waiting is giving her time to act (women are smarter than men at cheating) and destroy information.

[AloneNow]

What a long day and total headache for me. As suggested, after worked ended I drove to my house with some boxes and as suspected, she had a worried look on her face demanding where have I been and why I haven't return any calls.

 

I just told her I knew what she did 3 days ago and she was confused, demanding what I was talking about. It wasn't until I showed her the ring that she started breaking down and kept saying sorry and went on explaining about her commitment issues way before I met her, anxiety problems in her school years, how some friend once molested as a teen, etc. I understand this must be hard but what does any of this has to do with our engagement she threw away?

 

I helped with moved her clothes, pictures I'm with her, her toothbrush, pencils and other utensils out and into the boxes. Once this was done, I got into the car and told her we were going to her parents' house and how I'm going to tell them while she continue crying asking to give her another chance, how I mean the world to her and would give me as much kids as I want.

 

At her parents:

I have so much respect for them and before I proposed to her, I informed the parents about it and they wanted to be present. When I proposed to her, I asked for their blessings.

 

It was not easy to tell them really. Obviously, I refrained myself from saying any bad words about her but just told her that I caught her cheating with the OM in my house and showed them the ring as prove. They were very shocked to hear that and her father said I'm so sorry. I know how much you loved her. I'm sorry this happened.. The mother then turned to her and asked if that was truth and she said yes (while still crying). I thanked them for meeting their daughter, how I really wanted to form a family with her but she won't be living in my house no more and wished them all the best.

 

This brought me to tears; saying my goodbye to people that concerned me part of the family. They were the ones who passed out the wedding invitations. I hope she seeks help on her own. I really had no idea she had that amount of luggage. If I had known this, I might not have continue dating her.

[AloneNow]

I'm happy to be at home but I'm sleeping on the couch. I have set up the arrangement with the help of my cousin and his friend for the bed to be taken out by tomorrow.

[LBlanc]

Wow...good for you man; you handled that in the most mature way possible.

 

And congratulations to your new beginning!

[AloneNow]

Did you post on another site that you came home early from a business trip, found clothing in the house and heard your fiancé and a man's voice coming from your bedroom, you looked in and saw him climbing onto your fiancé than sat outside your bedroom while he banged her? Why did you not slam a door when you left to let the Whore know you found them? Kick her cheating ass out, have her parents come and get her tainted ass, don't waste one more moment, do it as fast as you can dial their number. Show her you have b**ls. She's nothing but a skank for sure but on that thread you called her your wife, here she's your girlfriend, is this real?

No, this is my first thread I've ever written. I heard music when I came home, that's the main reason they couldn't hear me. It was done it my bed, which I'm not sleeping there. I'm going to sleep on the couch.

 

I really feel stupid for doing nothing. But you have to understand I was really beyond hurt. Ever felt so paralyzed that your whole body goes numb and you don't know what to do at that moment? I wanted to close my eyes and count to 10, say it's a dream but it's not. As I was walking out, I really thought I would faint any moment but didn't.

Edited September 9, 2013 by AloneNow

[AloneNow]

Wow...good for you man; you handled that in the most mature way possible.

 

And congratulations to your new beginning!

Thank you. I've gotten two sobbing calls from her. In the messages, she keeps saying how she'll seek help for herself and will do anything to gain back my trust.

 

I don't want her in my life. I don't hate her but I feel nothing but disappointment and towards her. I know I would never trust her the same again.

[AloneNow]

I would most certainly tell her parents. There has to be consequences to her actions. This is just so amazing that she would have the nerve to have sex with another man in your home. This is the ultimately in disrespect and distain toward you. If you do not respect yourself then who will. She is an absolute pig.

Actually I kind of feel sorry for her. She seems like a damaged woman and totally childish. The way she was talking to me didn't sound like a mature 26 year-old woman but a teenager in HS that's still trying to play the fields and doesn't know what she wants.

 

I can't believe I didn't see those signs before. It would have saved me time and I wouldn't have to go through this pain.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you. I've gotten two sobbing calls from her. In the messages, she keeps saying how she'll seek help for herself and will do anything to gain back my trust.

 

I don't want her in my life. I don't hate her but I feel nothing but disappointment and towards her. I know I would never trust her the same again.

 

You have a lot of courage to walk away.. You did the right thing. Why start out a new life with someone who you can't fully trust and has already cheated on you?

 

Sorry you're hurting.

 

Don't let this bad experience ruin you or any other future relationships. She was messed up and she lost out by making real dumb and selfish choices.

[AloneNow]

I think you are very strong and resilient. I am in awe of your composure and your grace through all of this.

Well I used to be a psychology student years ago (didn't finish it but I know some aspects of it) so I think this must be another reason it has helped me be more calmer than most men would have been. I recalled we once had a project about separating someone's action from their overall personality.

[AloneNow]

Don't let this bad experience ruin you or any other future relationships. She was messed up and she lost out by making real dumb and selfish choices.

This is what I see in her; a messed up individual.

 

I'll be taking a long break from dating. I don't feel like starting all over right now.

[Balzac]

You are a class act and gentleman. What you don't need to do now is entertain her tearful pleading. It's time for her parents to be her emotional tampon.

 

amazingly executed recovery btw.

[2sunny]

Excellent!!!

 

I'm happy you handled it so well! Go forth and find happiness!!!

[HopingAgain]

You're a class act all the way. Take as much time as neccessary to heal, enjoy life, and when the time is right know that a good guy such as yourself will have no trouble at all meeting an amazing, honest, faithful woman!

[Trimmer]

First of all, the amount of respect and class you showed her family - while under severe strain - says a lot about you. Just wow.

 

I really feel stupid for doing nothing.

Don't. You have my admiration - specifically for doing nothing at a moment when most anything you can imagine you would have done would have been irrational, and also understandable, but most likely against your long term better interests.

 

There is NO shame, NO stupidity in holding your behavior until you cool down (and un-numb...) Given what you found and the state you were in at that moment, it's likely any behavior you would have chosen had a high probability of going sideways quite rapidly. Backing off gave you a chance to reacquire a bit of your rational self and you probably avoided some really bad outcomes.