Woman who have male friends: Do you let your male friend pay?

[Babolat]

I don't understand why you would expect HER good friend to buy YOUR movie ticket. What guy expects another guy to fund his night out? That's just creepy.

 

 

His offer for a movie night out was to his female friend and her daughter, not to YOU. Just because she decided to bring you along and told him by phone 15 minutes before you got there doesn't mean that he automatically had to foot the bill for you, as well. I mean, why are you acting like this guy somehow OWED you a night out simply because you tagged along at the last minute? He's HER friend, not yours. He doesn't owe you squat.

 

I've had male friends my whole life who've never let me pay for anything, either. But if I dragged my boyfriend along with me on one of our hang out nights, I certanly wouldn't expect my friend to pay for my boyfriend. Nor would my boyfriend expect another guy to pay for him. How tacky.

 

You just don't get it. Some men are raised to believe that a woman should never pay when she's in his company - whether it's a date or NOT. I know many men who hold this belief and have never, ever let me pay when we just hung out as friends. Maybe your ex girlfriend's guy friend always paid for her when they hung out because he knew she was on a tight budget due to being a single mother and he wanted to treat her. Or maybe, he's just one of those guys who never let a woman pay regardless of her financial situation.

 

Guys like this DO exist.

 

You missed my point, and maybe I was not clear. When we got there he said "I did not know Babolat was coming or I would have gotten his ticket".....then just stood there. He knew I was coming.

 

I did not expect him to buy my ticket.

 

I met him the night before. The three of us went out for drinks. I grabbed the tab as soon as it was laid down.

[Babolat]

You just don't get it. .

 

I am trying to get it, thus my post.

 

Thank you for your feedback.

[Babolat]

Oh the irony!!

See my reply to this comment; I did not expect him to pay, other than his comment when we got there. And even then, if he had paid, I would have insisted on paying him back, or at least picking up the food goodies once inside.

[Babolat]

I am old fashioned, I want to always pay when I take my girl out. I do think it's nice for her to offer every so often, and I usually do not take her up on it unless she insists. Previous gf never never did this and it bugged me as she was able to spend money on other things easily, yet she could not on us. And she repeatedly reminded me she wanted to take me out but did not have money. Yet I watched her spend money on other stuff all the time, mainly going out with her friends.

 

We took a few trips together when we dated; she did not contribute a dime. I did not ask, assumed I would pay 100%; just thought an offer would be nice. She would suggest we go out to dinner, to a bar, a club, never once did she offer; she assumed I would always pay.

 

My 2 female friends occasionally offer to pay my share, and I think it's nice. I don't let them though. One in particular insisted one night so I let her.

 

And yeah, when her male friends always pay the bill, and she expects it, that bugs me. I want to take care of my woman. If anyone here wants to judge me for that, have at it.

[xxoo]

Would it have been better if she'd asked you for money so that she could go out with her male friends and not have them pay?

 

The fact is she doesn't have the money to pay. She sounds like a user, frankly.

[RedRobin]

I've had fun coming up with creative things to do that don't cost much or are free. It is something I learned as a kid, and through my years in school.

 

I wish more guys would do this... just like I wish women would stop responding to guys who send naked pics... I'd like men to stop responding to women who insist they pay...

 

this scenario you painted, Babolat... she does sound like a user.

 

Just an FYI... it is extremely rare for XXOO to apply labels to people in her posts... I'd take this one observation seriously.

Edited September 1, 2013 by RedRobin

[Babolat]

We have not talked since Friday morning. We had tentative plans for today. I texted her to tell her I did not want to see her.

 

She replied stating she was too upset to collect her thoughts on Friday morning.

 

She stated these guy friends have known her for a long time and they always paid, even when she made good money. She said she did pay then a lot of the time. She said since she has been lower on funds they just pick up the bill without asking and she lets them. That they don't mind because they know and trust her and they are friends.

 

She then went on to talk about other guys buying her drinks when she is at a bar, an unknown guy. She said men will buy women drinks at a bar, it's what they do. She said if a man buys her a drink, she will give him a nod, a thank you, and if he is a gentlemen he will nod back, raise his glass and will not come over/approach her.

 

She then went on to say guys will approach her and her gfs and buy them drinks. She would again make it clear she was not available. I asked if she would talk with them and allow them to continue to buy drinks. She said yes. I told her THAT is what bothers me, that she by her actions, not her words, delivered a message that she was available by accepting the drink and talking with the man. She disagrees and sees no harm in letting men buy the group of girls drinks and for her to talk to them.

 

I asked her if this ever happened while we were dating and she said yes.

 

I told her I never buy drinks for a woman in a bar unless the woman is with me (my date, my friend, my sister) and that my male friends who do are doing it for one thing.

 

Is it me? If a woman is in a relationship, at a bar with her gfs, guys approach, buy them drinks, they accept and talk to the men, tell them they are in a relationship, is that not delivering a message that the girl is available; by accepting the drinks and talking? Am I being unrealistic in thinking this is not ok? I am not the jealous or insecure type. I simply don't like the idea that my partner is sitting in a bar and men are buying her drinks and she is talking to them, regardless of her telling them about me.

 

Again, this post, though the history is about her, is me trying to understand this male friend thing, men buying drinks whole thing and how women and other men view it.

 

I went out with my sister (who is low on funds), my good female friend and one of my gay friends last night. He brought alcohol and mixers to my house for pre drinking, my female friend bought pizza and appetizers, I knew my sister was low on funds, so I paid the bar tabs for the night as a payback for the alcohol/mixers and pizza, and so my sister could come out with us. I think this is ok. And, there was a funny older man sitting next to us at one of the bars who mentioned doing a tequila shot once..so I bought him a tequila shot..and it made his night!

Edited September 1, 2013 by Babolat

[Divasu]

So, ladies of LS who have male friends who you go out with, do you let them pay?

 

In the past, I've mainly hung out with male friends in a group setting and we all kind of pitched in whether it was dinner, drinks, etc. My best friend's boyfriend however, refuses to let me pitch in if we all hang out. In turn, I've had them over for dinner, I'll bring him his favorite dessert or a six pack of his favorite beer when I go over to their house to hang out.

[Babolat]

In the past, I've mainly hung out with male friends in a group setting and we all kind of pitched in whether it was dinner, drinks, etc. My best friend's boyfriend however, refuses to let me pitch in if we all hang out. In turn, I've had them over for dinner, I'll bring him his favorite dessert or a six pack of his favorite beer when I go over to their house to hang out.

 

She does this too. Her good friends bf is one of the ones I said refuses to let her pay.

[Divasu]

She does this too. Her good friends bf is one of the ones I said refuses to let her pay.

 

Great.

I didn't read the entire thread but what's the issue you're having exactly?

Do you think she uses men financially or, are you afraid that these men are trying to get in her pants?

[salparadise]

I like it when people just take turns picking up the checks and nobody is really keeping score. Of course if somebody always let's someone else get it and never kicks in it will eventually change how you view them, and after awhile they end up, well... paying a different price.

 

The woman I dated for several months recently makes boatloads of money. So much that I don't think anyone would even guess close the the number. Apparently she is one of those who thinks that men somehow owe her something, because we'd go out to restaurants and she would not offer to split, alternate or otherwise ease the burden those bills- many of which were nice (expensive) restaurants. I am of modest means, so I could do it but it was painful. Eventually I just got tired of that and some other crap and ended it. One of the biggest turnoffs was her occasionally claiming she couldn't afford this or that as opposed to being honest and saying she wasn't interested in whatever it was. I now regret that I put up with it as long as I did.

[Babolat]

Great.

I didn't read the entire thread but what's the issue you're having exactly?

Do you think she uses men financially or, are you afraid that these men are trying to get in her pants?

 

Initially my issue was her 3-4 good male friends always buying when she went out with them. The comments in this thread and her text to me this morning on the subject has given me a better understanding of that. And I am OK with it. The way she explained it to me makes sense.

 

Now, with her additional texts today, it's when she went out to bars with her girlfriends and men bought them drinks (not their male friends, strange men in the bar) when we were dating. She accepted the drink(s) and would talk to them. She thinks that is acceptable and does not understand why I do not. Her reasoning is it's what men do and it's ok because she told them she was in a relationship.

 

I am working thru my list of deal breakers for a future relationship and wondering if this is one for me..or am I being too unrealistic. Do women in a committed relationship accept drinks from men in a bar/club, even talk to the men, and feels it's ok to do so if they make it clear they are not available.

 

It's not her that bothers me; she is single, can do whatever she wants. I am bothered that she did this while we were dating. I admire/respect her honestly in not hiding anything, which is what she texted after stating the above, that she has nothing to hide and I asked.

Edited September 1, 2013 by Babolat

[PlumPrincess]

43, makes barely enough money to sustain herself and her daughter. Uses friends and poor saps she doesn't know to finance her lifestyle. Barely manages to pay them back in other ways. If I was her, I'd be mortified. And if she put that stuff on an online dating profile, nobody would be interested in her.

 

Man, she must be quite the looker and the sex with her must be fantastic otherwise I can't explain why you spend such a long thread wondering about her.

[Woggle]

I treat female friends the same way I treat male friends. I treat if I don't feel that they are using me.

[KungFuJoe]

Babolat,

 

Did your gf, when you were dating, tell these guys she wasn't available? That's the key point there. It doesn't matter if dudes want to buy her drinks or even talk to her. Nothing wrong with that...and nothing wrong if she lets them buy her drinks and if she talks back. It's WRONG if she leads them on and doesn't tell them that she's not single.

[Babolat]

Man, she must be quite the looker and the sex with her must be fantastic otherwise I can't explain why you spend such a long thread wondering about her.

 

I am sure this is a big part of it though there were, and to lesser degree now, strong emotions and feelings between us.

 

I am pulling more and more away from her.

 

My intent with this post really is for my processing of the relationship and personal growth. I know at my age not every woman is going to be "perfect" if you will, and like me, will have baggage and issues.

[Babolat]

Babolat,

 

Did your gf, when you were dating, tell these guys she wasn't available? That's the key point there. It doesn't matter if dudes want to buy her drinks or even talk to her. Nothing wrong with that...and nothing wrong if she lets them buy her drinks and if she talks back. It's WRONG if she leads them on and doesn't tell them that she's not single.

 

She states she made it very clear she was not available. What the words were, I have no idea. And I believe her.

 

I remember when we were dating she once told me no matter what she tells a man, men will be men and will buy her/her gfs drinks.

 

I dunno man, I think I disagree with you on this one, and you know I agree with everything you share with me. A classy confident woman will not accept the drink; or may to be nice, accept the drink, have a brief talk, thank the man for the drink, and then walk away politely. She told me she could not do this when with a group of her gfs; that she could not leave them.

[KungFuJoe]

She states she made it very clear she was not available. What the words were, I have no idea. And I believe her.

 

I remember when we were dating she once told me no matter what she tells a man, men will be men and will buy her/her gfs drinks.

 

I dunno man, I think I disagree with you on this one, and you know I agree with everything you share with me. A classy confident woman will not accept the drink; or may to be nice, accept the drink, have a brief talk, thank the man for the drink, and then walk away politely. She told me she could not do this when with a group of her gfs; that she could not leave them.

 

Well...as long she says she's not available and doesn't lead them on, then I don't see the problem. And your ex is right. Men will still buy a drink regardless. I mean, in my situation...if I offer to buy a girl a drink (back when I was single) and she says she's with someone...I'll ask who. If she says it's a bf or whoever, and I'm in a charitable mood, then I'll buy her and her guy a drink, too. But, that's just how I work. For my wife, it really depends on how the guy is. If he's being a jerk or overly aggressive, my wife has no problem being a bitch (she has literally shoved a guy by his face before in a club because he was trying to dance all up in her space and wouldn't leave...I wasn't there, but her sisters told me about it). But if he's nice, then my wife, being a nice person herself, will be sociable.

[Babolat]

Well...as long she says she's not available and doesn't lead them on, then I don't see the problem. And your ex is right. Men will still buy a drink regardless. I mean, in my situation...if I offer to buy a girl a drink (back when I was single) and she says she's with someone...I'll ask who. If she says it's a bf or whoever, and I'm in a charitable mood, then I'll buy her and her guy a drink, too. But, that's just how I work. For my wife, it really depends on how the guy is. If he's being a jerk or overly aggressive, my wife has no problem being a bitch (she has literally shoved a guy by his face before in a club because he was trying to dance all up in her space and wouldn't leave...I wasn't there, but her sisters told me about it). But if he's nice, then my wife, being a nice person herself, will be sociable.

 

I was not at the bar with her though in my examples. When I was, men did not approach her. I saw head turns, nobody approached her though.

 

She would go her gfs houses a lot too to drink; so it's not like she lived at bars. Though, I would say on average it was usually once a week at a bar, sometimes 2-3.

 

For example, last Thursday started at a gfs house, were her male roommate made them drinks; then it moved to another male friends house, where he made them drinks, then to a bar where her gfs bf bought the drinks. She did invite me to join her at the bar.

[KungFuJoe]

I was not at the bar with her though in my examples. When I was, men did not approach her. I saw head turns, nobody approached her though.

 

She would go her gfs houses a lot too to drink; so it's not like she lived at bars. Though, I would say on average it was usually once a week at a bar, sometimes 2-3.

 

For example, last Thursday started at a gfs house, were her male roommate made them drinks; then it moved to another male friends house, where he made them drinks, then to a bar where her gfs bf bought the drinks. She did invite me to join her at the bar.

 

Well...I've had guys hit on my woman right in front of my face. Probably because I looked 15 when I was 25 and most people couldn't see someone like her being with someone like me and just assumed I was a friend. It never bothered me and if anything, it felt pretty good. But, I've never had a problem with someone being a jerk. Most of the time, when the guy found out she was with me, apologized, or was nice about it. At worst, it was "whatever".

 

I will say this...the one difference in our situations is that I genuinely enjoy going out to bars, clubs, drinking etc. I did it before I was with my wife and we continue to do it even today, in our late 30s. To me, a night that starts out with drinking at someone's house, moves to a club/bar later on for more drinks, then ends at someone ELSE'S house afterwards for a last round...sounds like an awesome night. But, I believe you don't drink as much and the difference in your "partying styles" has caused some issues with you and your ex in the past. Not much I can say about that as I am a HUGE proponent in couples sharing the same "partying style"...in that they enjoy drinking, going out, and even drugs in the same manner as each other.

 

I know another couple...have been together for years...she loves to drink and party...her bf hasn't touched alcohol his entire life and has no intention of changing that. We all went to Vegas a couple weeks ago. All of us were drinking and clubbing and he stayed in the room. THAT relationship is not going to work in the end...no way.

[Divasu]

Initially my issue was her 3-4 good male friends always buying when she went out with them. The comments in this thread and her text to me this morning on the subject has given me a better understanding of that. And I am OK with it. The way she explained it to me makes sense.

 

Now, with her additional texts today, it's when she went out to bars with her girlfriends and men bought them drinks (not their male friends, strange men in the bar) when we were dating. She accepted the drink(s) and would talk to them. She thinks that is acceptable and does not understand why I do not. Her reasoning is it's what men do and it's ok because she told them she was in a relationship.

 

I am working thru my list of deal breakers for a future relationship and wondering if this is one for me..or am I being too unrealistic. Do women in a committed relationship accept drinks from men in a bar/club, even talk to the men, and feels it's ok to do so if they make it clear they are not available.

 

It's not her that bothers me; she is single, can do whatever she wants. I am bothered that she did this while we were dating. I admire/respect her honestly in not hiding anything, which is what she texted after stating the above, that she has nothing to hide and I asked.

 

Thanks for clearing that up. I think it's wonderful that you are reflecting on certain behaviors that you weren't comfortable with and figuring out what your list of deal breakers are for future relationships.

 

For the record, I don't think someone who is in a relationship must always make it a point to announce that they are off limits wherever they go. But, when guys offer to buy a woman who is taken, a drink, I think it's best to politely decline accepting the drink or simply state that she's taken but appreciates the kind gesture. Some women dislike feeling like they have to owe the guy anything, and won't accept the drink or will buy him a round back so that it evens the playing field. Of course, there are also women who milk guys for free drinks and then disappear into the night.

[Babolat]

Well...I've had guys hit on my woman right in front of my face. Probably because I looked 15 when I was 25 and most people couldn't see someone like her being with someone like me and just assumed I was a friend. It never bothered me and if anything, it felt pretty good. But, I've never had a problem with someone being a jerk. Most of the time, when the guy found out she was with me, apologized, or was nice about it. At worst, it was "whatever".

 

I will say this...the one difference in our situations is that I genuinely enjoy going out to bars, clubs, drinking etc. I did it before I was with my wife and we continue to do it even today, in our late 30s. To me, a night that starts out with drinking at someone's house, moves to a club/bar later on for more drinks, then ends at someone ELSE'S house afterwards for a last round...sounds like an awesome night. But, I believe you don't drink as much and the difference in your "partying styles" has caused some issues with you and your ex in the past. Not much I can say about that as I am a HUGE proponent in couples sharing the same "partying style"...in that they enjoy drinking, going out, and even drugs in the same manner as each other.

 

I know another couple...have been together for years...she loves to drink and party...her bf hasn't touched alcohol his entire life and has no intention of changing that. We all went to Vegas a couple weeks ago. All of us were drinking and clubbing and he stayed in the room. THAT relationship is not going to work in the end...no way.

 

Last night was one of those nights for me. Started at 5PM at my house with my sister, my female best friend, and one of my best male friends. We drank until 7PM, went out an outdoor music event (opera of all things), had a great time, then hit a bar, then went to a lesbian bar. I had a blast, We ended up back at my house around 1AM and called it a night.

 

I went out today with the same female friend and another couple kayaking, where we kayaked to a restaurant for dinner, had a few drinks, then kayaked backed.

 

I am OK with drinking; I like to drink. Just not 2-3 times a week and I do not find it acceptable for my partner to be out at a bar letting a man buy her drinks.

 

Heck, she was a bartender for 15+ years, She knows why men buy women drinks in bars.

[KungFuJoe]

Babolat,

 

Stop caring what other men do, and just worry about what your SO does.

 

But, to be honest, from the sounds of some of your posts, I do think you had trust issues with your ex. However, let's be real here...spending the night at a guy's house after getting wasted...no matter how much she insists they are just friends...that would definitely warrant a wary eye from me. And I'm NOT jealous at all.

 

So I'm saying if you did have issues with her actions, you had a lot of reason to be, in my opinion.

[Babolat]

She just sent me a text stating all of her girlfriends let men buy them drinks and it's a "womans code" to not tell their SO, She said ALL woman do this and the men are not privy to "what really goes on" as it's part of the "womans code".

 

I told her not in my world, and not the woman I will commit my life to. It's called trust and communication. Ask me if it's ok for a man to buy you drinks when you are out with your gfs. If I say yes, then great. If I say No, then respect that.

[Els]

If he insists on paying, I'll do like my Grandma taught me....

 

Offer once more. If he still insists, then accept.

 

I do this with guys I'm interested in.

 

Guys whom I only want to be platonic friends with, I don't accept even if he insists. It wasn't about the money in those cases, but simply a case of sending out appropriate signals. Because where I come from, the girl insisting on going dutch is equivalent to enforcing platonicity, which is a huge help in maintaining boundaries.

 

I may be a bit of a prude, but like the OP, I don't feel it's appropriate to be allowing other guys to buy you drinks if you're in a committed R.