Woman who have male friends: Do you let your male friend pay?

[KungFuJoe]

You guys even FIGHT like a couple...or at least argue like one.

 

Man...you guys are just straddling the fence right now...too afraid to go one way or the other.

 

I hope the sex is worth it, because I don't see this ending well. One of you is going to have to "man up".

 

Saying this as someone who understands where you are coming from and the situation you are in, btw.

[Babolat]

The reason why your ex is broke is because of her attitude about money. They "It is only $6" thing is very common. A lot of people don't understand how money can add up and what savings/budgets really are.

 

True, by her own admission she does not know how to budget. When we were dating she use to ask for my advise on budgeting. She is the type who, when she has money, spends it versus saving it for a rainy day.

 

I do give her some credit. Her fathers side of the family and her step-fathers side of the family came from, and had a lot of money and offered her jobs in the family businesses. She turned them down to make her own money.

[Babolat]

You guys even FIGHT like a couple...or at least argue like one.

 

Man...you guys are just straddling the fence right now...too afraid to go one way or the other.

 

I hope the sex is worth it, because I don't see this ending well. One of you is going to have to "man up".

 

Saying this as someone who understands where you are coming from and the situation you are in, btw.

 

Agreed, and we have never had an argument/fight in the traditional sense. I am very calm, I express how I feel, ask her to tell me what she heard. She is not a good communicator, again by her own admission, gets upset/mad/hurt, walks away, etc. She use to tell me that was one thing that she loved about me: I could talk to her.

 

At this point I have no plans to contact her again as I need to move forward with my life, emotionally.

 

This whole "the man always buys" is bugging me again and I think it's yet another difference in us that I cannot resolve.

[Star Gazer]

I could swear this very topic was covered very recently...?

 

I have a couple guy friends who insist on paying for me when we go out to lunch or for drinks; but I think that's just part of their moral code to "take care" of women. (They're all married, and I actually think they're expensing it! )

 

Otherwise, if I'm out with a FRIEND of any gender, I expect to pay for myself and wouldn't go out with them if I didn't intend to pay. Even still, even my girlfriends sometimes pay for me, and I them. It all works out in the wash with friends you see regularly.

 

If her guy friends know she struggles financially, then they may have made it clear to her that when they ask for her company, she's covered. I know that when I've struggled a bit money-wise (thanks to furloughs and unexpected large expenses), friends have gladly and willingly picked up the check as I reach for my purse, knowing I'll get them back another time.

 

That all having been said, this "ex" of yours sounds a bit like a mooch to me.

[colombiana28]

i never assume, never ever. and always pay my share. not "offering" - actually grabbing the check and putting my card in. this goes for friendships AND dating. only a handful of times has a man protested so vehemently that i'll give in, but let them know that we'll trade off or something.

 

either pay for what you ordered or do the you-pay-this-time,-I-pay-next-time thing. that's how i live, it's a little neurotic but my dad raised me to always know that nothing is free. i don't want to feel beholden to someone, especially a man. and i do feel that line of thinking is very sexist, this "I am a woman and therefore i should always be paid for" mentality.

[serial muse]

Whenever I go out with friends, we always pay our own way. Men and women both. Unless it's somebody's birthday.

 

I think if someone piped up with "but men always pay" at the table she would earn herself a blank stare and an awkward pause before everyone went ahead and pulled out their wallets. I've never heard anyone in my circles say such a thing.

[Keenly]

Okay, so let me get this straight, after getting some more details here.

 

 

Shes your ex, she crashed at your place drunk (I'm assuming you guys are still having sex) Which in itself is all fine and dandy.

 

But the next day you hit her with a " When we were dating, I didn't like when you did XXXXXX YYYYYYYY ZZZZZZZZ"

 

 

That to me is just begging for an argument. You guys aren't together anymore, so why have stupid arguments? Have sex, let her pass out in your bed, send her on her way. If you talk to her, don't intentionally start an argument about the past.

[Babolat]

I have a couple guy friends who insist on paying for me when we go out to lunch or for drinks; but I think that's just part of their moral code to "take care" of women. (They're all married, and I actually think they're expensing it! )

 

If her guy friends know she struggles financially, then they may have made it clear to her that when they ask for her company, she's covered. I know that when I've struggled a bit money-wise (thanks to furloughs and unexpected large expenses), friends have gladly and willingly picked up the check as I reach for my purse, knowing I'll get them back another time.

 

This is what she told me this morning.

 

I would not call her a mooch. I do see her tyring to do little things for me, she even came over and fixed me dinner the other night, with food she bought. To her that was a big thing. And I thanked her many times for it.

[Star Gazer]

This is what she told me this morning.

 

I would not call her a mooch. I do see her tyring to do little things for me, she even came over and fixed me dinner the other night, with food she bought. To her that was a big thing. And I thanked her many times for it.

 

I still think you're making excuses for her.

[clia]

When I go out with my male coworkers for drinks, they don't let me pay. The only way to get around this is being sneaky with the waitress behind their backs, at which point they complain a lot, so I don't bother much anymore. I do still offer to pay, though. I think it just doesn't bother them to buy me a few $5 beers when we are all out.

 

However, with my other male friends, we typically do a "you pick up this round and I'll get the next round" kind of thing. No one is really doing the math to make sure it's all fair, though.

[Babolat]

Okay, so let me get this straight, after getting some more details here.

 

 

Shes your ex, she crashed at your place drunk (I'm assuming you guys are still having sex) Which in itself is all fine and dandy.

 

But the next day you hit her with a " When we were dating, I didn't like when you did XXXXXX YYYYYYYY ZZZZZZZZ"

 

 

That to me is just begging for an argument. You guys aren't together anymore, so why have stupid arguments? Have sex, let her pass out in your bed, send her on her way. If you talk to her, don't intentionally start an argument about the past.

 

She was not drunk, a little buzz. Yes, we still have sex.

 

We have been testing the waters a bit lately if you will, doing things together, more than just sex, not dating though.

 

She pointed out the timing of my conversation was not the best, since it was after "a night of drinking for her", which was a source of contention for us when dating. She thinks I am upset she went out drinking.

 

I pointed out I was hurt about the money part, it brought back memories from when we dated. It to me was a "if we are going to give this a go I need to talk to you about this" conversation.

 

I use to shut down when I was hurt in my previous LTRs, and rather than do that I wanted to talk to let her know how I felt about it.

[Babolat]

I still think you're making excuses for her.

 

And I think you are right

[Babolat]

So, what I am hearing, if the woman cannot afford and the man has the means and desires her company as a friend, and insists on paying, that's ok?

[KungFuJoe]

So, what I am hearing, if the woman cannot afford and the man has the means and desires her company as a friend, and insists on paying, that's ok?

 

It's ok if YOU are ok with it. You really shouldn't give two ****s if some other guy is ok with it or not.

 

Since you started this thread, it appears that you are NOT ok with it.

 

You have your principles...stick with them!

[Babolat]

It's ok if YOU are ok with it. You really shouldn't give two ****s if some other guy is ok with it or not.

 

Since you started this thread, it appears that you are NOT ok with it.

 

You have your principles...stick with them!

 

Yes and No and I get what you are saying.

 

I don't want to be a prick here and make assumptions or jump to conclusions In my world, if I always paid, it "means" something. That's just the way I was raised.

 

The guy she used to date is not American and she made it clear it's tradition in his culture for the man to always pay, and offensive if the woman tries to pay, so I get that. Doesn't mean I like it. In fact, of all her male friends, his paying does not really bother me given her explanation.

 

It does bug me, but after reading some of the comments from the woman, it does not seem that out of the norm for a man to always insist on paying, especially knowing the woman cannot. And this was not every weekend. When we dated, over 12 months this was probably 6-7 times, and on all occassions she invited me to come.

[PlumPrincess]

I find it quite unhealthy that you were involved with someone who has this mindset and continue worrying about it after the breakup. And with what you are telling here about her history, she clearly looks like hookup material and not relationship material.

[HappyLove]

Well since no one here will say it I will... She's a user, she uses men. Point blank end of story. She associates herself with men who will pay her way. It's up to you to go with the flow and be used or move on. You are upset because you want so much more and her using you all this time has hurt and is still hurting your feelings. It doesn't matter what Bon Jovi or her foreign friend did, all excuses. Maybe she also has a bit of a alcohol problem too since most of what you said is about drinking and getting people to pay. It's like what drug addicts do to get high any way they can. Sounds like a couple of times you're picking up this grown woman with responsibilities drunk and taking care if her. Sounds like red flags all over the place and your setting yourself up to get hurt. You sound like a great communicator, I'd give anything for a man who actually had the guts to explain what hurts him and why. Your in a situation with someone who is not on your level and will not be able to give you what you want. I'm betting if she was on the average/ugly side you wouldn't put up with this behavior.

[Babolat]

Well since no one here will say it I will... She's a user, she uses men. Point blank end of story. She associates herself with men who will pay her way. It's up to you to go with the flow and be used or move on. You are upset because you want so much more and her using you all this time has hurt and is still hurting your feelings. It doesn't matter what Bon Jovi or her foreign friend did, all excuses. Maybe she also has a bit of a alcohol problem too since most of what you said is about drinking and getting people to pay. It's like what drug addicts do to get high any way they can. Sounds like a couple of times you're picking up this grown woman with responsibilities drunk and taking care if her. Sounds like red flags all over the place and your setting yourself up to get hurt. You sound like a great communicator, I'd give anything for a man who actually had the guts to explain what hurts him and why. Your in a situation with someone who is not on your level and will not be able to give you what you want. I'm betting if she was on the average/ugly side you wouldn't put up with this behavior.

 

After seeing what happend in my marriage, I have worked very hard at improving my relationship communication skills, not letting things stew, sharing how I feel, before I talk, asking them to tell me what they heard....I wish I could find a woman who could to the same. All the woman I have dated since my divorce have said the same, you listen and communicate like no other man I have met. It takes work and effort, but it's worth it.

 

To your other points, you are probably right, and today is the first day in a while where I have felt like say f it..it's just not worth it anymore. I can't decide if I should communicate this to her or just let things sit for a bit. We did not fight, argue, raise our voices or anythign like that this morning. She last said "I know how I feel I just can't express it right now, I need some time" and she also acknowledged how I felt and that she understood it, she just disagreed.

[NXS]

I agree with HappyLove on this, she is a user and probably is very selective about her male friends for nights out. I don't care if she doesn't have the money now, she never seems to have had money according to your account yet this hasn't stopped her having a social life by leeching off men. I'm sure if you went through a patch being low on money you wouldn't expect others to pay for your nights out, in fact you probably wouldn't go out at all.

 

Also this line about "men should pay" would be the last straw for me, I'd stick her with half the bill and walk out.

[HappyLove]

'Oh, can't say how I feel'.....maybe on Tuesday. Please. She knows how to string you along, give you a vague answer and bounce. She just keeps giving you that little glimmer of hope to keep you coming back thirsty for more. Here you come with the questions and she's looking at you like, I just needed a place to crash sucker....until next time.

 

Well your not in a relationship so I wouldn't extend myself too much. Sounds like she calls on you when she needs something. What you need to do focus on yourself, find a woman deserving of you, someone who is not going to use you, someone who will and wants to make you feel good. I don't know how old this lady is but she seems to use everyone in her social circle, it's just tacky. Don't know what your goals are in life relationship wise but if its to get married again and be in love then focus on that and go after it. If it's to be single, frustrated, and used then dont change a thing.

[Babolat]

'Oh, can't say how I feel'.....maybe on Tuesday. .

 

I get what you are saying. One of the things I always admired about her was this though. She is the type who needs to process, and will, and will usually email me or talk to me within a couple of days once she has processed.

 

I am not looking to date this gal again. And she was not looking for a place to crash. She stayed at my place the past few nights; she was going to go back to her place yesterday, she asked around 7 if she could stay another night. I could have said No.

[Maleficent]

I didn't read the whole thing yet, but to answer the question...hellz yes! As long as we are both single, I see no problem there.

 

Though as soon as one gets a partner - it falls in a grey area I do not care to swim in...

[Eternal Sunshine]

In my case most of my male friends pay. So do my male co-workers. So do my dad and brother.

 

I always offer once and if they don't accept, let them pay.

[Babolat]

In my case most of my male friends pay. So do my male co-workers. So do my dad and brother.

 

I always offer once and if they don't accept, let them pay.

 

This morning, she said when she was making good money she would offer to pay, these male friends would not let her.

 

So, am I overreacting to this? And, though the conversation is about the ex, there may be another woman in the future who has male friends who insist on paying...so I am trying to understand this from a womans point of view.

[kaylan]

Some guys are straight up scrubs who pedestalize women no matter what theyre relationship to them.

 

I treat chick friends like I treat dude friends. I pay for certain things, and they pay for other things. I may get the bill today, they will get the drinks later or the meal next time.

 

Furthermore, I pay for girlfriends, not girl friends.