I cheated on my husband

[peruano99]

The point is, you don't have to. Each person and each couple is different, you're not there, you don't know them, so they are probably the people who are best equipped to decide what's best for them in their situation.

People in this forum are most often looking for help and support in difficult life situations. I've often found it useful to remember, that if I can't think of anything of value for OP, I simply step back and lick my own wounds.

 

Some people who commented in the first pages were against OP cheating.

Edited November 7, 2013 by peruano99

[peruano99]

She can most certainly be mad. His ethical choices are the same as hers. Unhappy in your marriage? Fix it or leave.

 

I ask...do you mean she can cheat all she wants and he can do nothing? I think you said you revenge cheated on your wife before on your thread.

Edited November 7, 2013 by peruano99

[BetrayedH]

I ask...do you mean she can cheat all she wants and he can do nothing? I think you said you revenge cheated on your wife before on your thread.

 

No, there are a lot of options available to a BS. Obviously, they have the right to leave. The other ethical choice is to stay and fix the marriage. That doesn't mean to tolerate more cheating. In fact, the BS can put a lot of conditions in place as mandatory in order for them to stay (individual counseling, MC, transparency, openness/honesty, and the like). Many waywards have a hell of a difficult road when it comes to reconciling and it goes on for years. That's not "doing nothing" on the part of the BS. Waywards that try to reconcile rarely get off scot-free. Frankly, I imagine it sucks and it can go on for years.

 

You are also correct that I did have my own affair after my wife had one. I was a broken person at that time. In my ridiculous head, I thought it was what I needed to put her affair and my anger behind me so I could restore my marriage. It was meant to be brief and never known (it was never about revenge but I accept that it's the common term). Once it started to be physical, I couldn't handle the guilt. I broke it off and confessed. My wife then gave me permission. I spent four days away and two of them were with my OW. Then I returned home.

 

While I got my ego-feed, the relief lasted about as long as my orgasm. But it hurt my wife tremendously and sure as hell didn't help our reconciliation. Worst of all, I now carry with me the abbreviations of WS, WH, OM, MM, etc.. I have always been a man of character and I gave it up for a brief ego feed, just like any other wayward. If I ever tell my children more detail about why their parents divorced, it will be because both of their parents had affairs.

 

In hindsight, I should have either required more of my wife in order to reconcile or I should have left. Even with permission, having an affair was the wrong thing to do. The solution to cheating in a marriage is not to add more cheating. It's to either fix the marriage (with a lot of hard work on both parties) or leave it.

[Kate.23987]

Again, I don't know a lot of what happened on here but I thought I would update y'all. Honestly, it all became too much for Ben and I. We were fighting constantly despite my every effort, I do understand it takes time but every conversation just made things worse. One Friday night at a party with friends, he got drunk and just started arguing with me in front of everyone. He made a huge scene and told everyone what happened. Afterward things got physical, enough to bruise my face, arms and legs. And I realized that it all just wasn't worth it, I love him but I don't like him. I got my stuff and went to my sisters, I plan on divorce. We have both done too many things to forgive. Thank you everyone for your advice, I'm sorry it wasn't enough to save us from ourselves.

[CarrieT]

Afterward things got physical, enough to bruise my face, arms and legs.

I am so, so sorry this has happened to you!

 

Please consider filing charges against him to protect yourself. Because this is far from over and I'm afraid he will be coming for you again.

 

Take care of yourself.

[troubadour]

I am so, so sorry this has happened to you!

 

Please consider filing charges against him to protect yourself. Because this is far from over and I'm afraid he will be coming for you again.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

 

CarrieT is right.... you should consider filing charges against him. You did what you did but he has absolutely no right to get violent with you. Divorce seems to be the best option for both of you.

 

Good luck!

[Oldspiceywolf]

Kate!

I just started this thread a few hours ago and blew through it. I'm sorry R didn't work out, I had your back the whole time reading. Ben made some very bad decisions after the miscarriage. I'm under the firm belief that a man who neglects his wife emotionally and physically is asking for his wife to cheat in sketching situations, it's not right but I think it's more or less natural. You did the wrong thing with Jason but you did the right thing telling him as soon as you could gain enough confidence to divulge it and it was awesome how you came clean with family and friends as well, good job!

 

You may end up a serial cheater but I strongly doubt it, nobody forced you to do anything, you might have even in known what your were found subconsciously but I just blame your BH, h needed to be strong and pick you both up out the me and get back to trying to have a kid. My best friend is in the process of a divorce now after a miscarriage 3 years ago. They could never pull each other out of the loss, nobody cheated but damage was done, but looking back they weren't a good fit as far as partners pushing each other to be better the right way. I believe you and Ben weren't a good match either and this little mistake of yours probably had you dodge a bullet long term.

 

Use this experience as a learning opportunity for your next partner, find a strong supportive person who knows how to compliment your weak points and some one you can do the same for.

 

Good luck for sure, I hope you kind rnd faithful lasting love that leads to a beautiful family

[lilmisscantbewrong]

No, there are a lot of options available to a BS. Obviously, they have the right to leave. The other ethical choice is to stay and fix the marriage. That doesn't mean to tolerate more cheating. In fact, the BS can put a lot of conditions in place as mandatory in order for them to stay (individual counseling, MC, transparency, openness/honesty, and the like). Many waywards have a hell of a difficult road when it comes to reconciling and it goes on for years. That's not "doing nothing" on the part of the BS. Waywards that try to reconcile rarely get off scot-free. Frankly, I imagine it sucks and it can go on for years.

 

You are also correct that I did have my own affair after my wife had one. I was a broken person at that time. In my ridiculous head, I thought it was what I needed to put her affair and my anger behind me so I could restore my marriage. It was meant to be brief and never known (it was never about revenge but I accept that it's the common term). Once it started to be physical, I couldn't handle the guilt. I broke it off and confessed. My wife then gave me permission. I spent four days away and two of them were with my OW. Then I returned home.

 

While I got my ego-feed, the relief lasted about as long as my orgasm. But it hurt my wife tremendously and sure as hell didn't help our reconciliation. Worst of all, I now carry with me the abbreviations of WS, WH, OM, MM, etc.. I have always been a man of character and I gave it up for a brief ego feed, just like any other wayward. If I ever tell my children more detail about why their parents divorced, it will be because both of their parents had affairs.

 

In hindsight, I should have either required more of my wife in order to reconcile or I should have left. Even with permission, having an affair was the wrong thing to do. The solution to cheating in a marriage is not to add more cheating. It's to either fix the marriage (with a lot of hard work on both parties) or leave it.

 

This is extremely hard for me to hear given my history having an affair and then my husband having a "revenge" affair not even two years later. I call it that, but like you, I'm not sure it was really that. He cared for her and certainly she was feeding his ego at a time I was so broken I could hardly care for myself let alone anyone else.

 

I know the end result of your situation. I do hope it won't be mine, but some days I'm not so sure.

 

I do agree with much of what you said, for certain.

[BetrayedH]

This is extremely hard for me to hear given my history having an affair and then my husband having a "revenge" affair not even two years later. I call it that, but like you, I'm not sure it was really that. He cared for her and certainly she was feeding his ego at a time I was so broken I could hardly care for myself let alone anyone else.

 

I know the end result of your situation. I do hope it won't be mine, but some days I'm not so sure.

 

I do agree with much of what you said, for certain.

 

Lilmiss,

 

As much as I discourage RAs here (for lots of reasons), I honestly don't think my RA was really any kind of catalyst for our divorce. If it were that alone, I think we might have made it. The real problem was that she was still bold-face lying to me (and I flipped out about it).

 

I don't think an RA has to be a death sentence. But it is exponentially more difficult. You both have to do the work of a wayward (true remorse) but the tough part is that you're BOTH doing it for someone you don't trust.

 

Still, if you both really love each other, I think it can be done. I think a lot of forgiveness comes from realizing that your partner was broken. If an affair was truly an abberation and/or they are trying to fix themselves, I don't blame anyone for giving a second chance.

 

It really gets down to you and your H. If you're both truly remorseful and both can forgive, then you have better chances than most people reconciling.

 

Don't be discouraged; this is when you need to bring your "A" game.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Her face arms and legs are bruised. Thats assault.

 

You dont deserve that. Press charges and keep yourself safe. Violence is never ok

[Bryanp]

He crossed the line. Notify the police and get a restraining order. It will only get worse next time.

[painfullyobvious]

I did not read the entire comment section here as this thread is now very long. I am confused how you went from an emotional situation of a hug to sex. If a simple hug activates you in such a manner you have issues of external validation. Has this ever happened before where a couple displays of affection and comfort elicit sexual behaviors. Time to look at yourself and make sure you are not with any men during difficult emotionally intense moments and alcohol. I'm not making excuses for you, you need to take responsibility for your actions but you need to notice things that cause you difficulty with infidelity. If its this easy to stray I would be scared as a loving partner with you.

[samsungxoxo]

I hope you get a restraining order and don't drop the charges. He deserves to be in jail as of right now. Afterward, file immediately for divorce. There is never an excuse for him to get violent towards you like that. Do not fall for the same mistake too many women do when getting abused physically for the first time: they tolerant it and try blaming themselves for provoking the man. Nope, no man is provoked. He did it because he wanted to; because he has no self-control.

[peruano99]

I knew your relationship was damaged the second you said you both cheated. I'm sorry that this happened but you brought it upon yourself Kate. If you hadn't cheated, none of this would have happened. Divorce and have a better life.

[janedoe67]

I knew your relationship was damaged the second you said you both cheated. I'm sorry that this happened but you brought it upon yourself Kate. If you hadn't cheated, none of this would have happened. Divorce and have a better life.

 

FYI...no one "brings" physical abuse on themselves. It's a crime, no matter what precipitated it.

 

Period.

[peruano99]

And if she had never cheated, her husband would not have hit her most likely.

[Miracle90]

FYI...no one "brings" physical abuse on themselves. It's a crime, no matter what precipitated it.

 

Period.

This. I've noticed that whenever physical abuse occurs, women are still given the ''If you haven't done that, it wouldn't have happened'' or ''You have to understand, yes he was wrong to hit you but you might have contributed to it, talk to him, etc'' comments from not only certain friends or family but even strangers online. This is exactly what makes more women stay after getting abused the first time.

 

Yet, men are taught to walk away immediately if treated poorly, even if they might have done something previously.

[Fluttershy]

FYI...no one "brings" physical abuse on themselves. It's a crime, no matter what precipitated it.

 

Period.

 

Exactly! It is amazing how some people's hatred for cheating can cloud their judgement on other areas.

What she did was wrong and was not helpful to the marriage. But it wasn't tr only thing in this case that killed the marriage. Poor Kate will need to take responsibility for her horrible actions. Unfortunatly, it doesn't sound like this BH will take responsibility for his.

And that isn't her fault.

[peruano99]

Kate it's clear that you and your husband need to divorce. It's better for the both of you. Divorce him and go with your own life.

[Fluttershy]

And if she had never cheated, her husband would not have hit her most likely.

 

Violence was there under the surface. He was handleing the misscarriage poorly as it was. no one can say that the violence wouldn't have occured later down the road if she had never cheated. It may have occured over something trivial. I am sure he justifies hitting her with the fact she cheated.

He may not be a cheater but he is a sorry excuse of a man. No he didn't deserve to be cheated on or that friend. But many people get cheated on and don't lash put physically.

Kate may have deserved him divorcing but shr sure as hell didn't deserve violence.

[peruano99]

Violence was there under the surface. He was handleing the misscarriage poorly as it was. no one can say that the violence wouldn't have occured later down the road if she had never cheated. It may have occured over something trivial. I am sure he justifies hitting her with the fact she cheated.

He may not be a cheater but he is a sorry excuse of a man. No he didn't deserve to be cheated on or that friend. But many people get cheated on and don't lash put physically.

Kate may have deserved him divorcing but shr sure as hell didn't deserve violence.

 

 

Kate said he had a one night stand like one day after they fought. They are both damaged people and don't deserve to be with each other.

[Fluttershy]

Kate said he had a one night stand like one day after they fought. They are both damaged people and don't deserve to be with each other.

 

You need to read all her posts. His treatment of her was not a one day fight. And she went to the friend to seek advice.

Now people have all sorts opinions on why she did what she did or if she knew going in she was going to cheat but no one knows anything in that regard for a fact.

My point is not that her cheating was justifiable but rather that his being violent is not justifiable.

[peruano99]

You need to read all her posts. His treatment of her was not a one day fight. And she went to the friend to seek advice.

Now people have all sorts opinions on why she did what she did or if she knew going in she was going to cheat but no one knows anything in that regard for a fact.

My point is not that her cheating was justifiable but rather that his being violent is not justifiable.

 

That is why I said they are both damaged people. Her for cheating, Him for hitting her. It is best for both of them to divorce and move on with their lives.

[Fluttershy]

That is why I said they are both damaged people. Her for cheating, Him for hitting her. It is best for both of them to divorce and move on with their lives.

 

Very true but I was objecting to you telling Kate she brought this, which includes physical abuse, on herself.

That is like telling a rape victim the brought rape on themselves.

Or if the husband had been here, told his side of the sotry and someone said "BH, you brought her cheating on yourself."

It may well be very much your opinion but don't be surprised when people object to that.

[peruano99]

Very true but I was objecting to you telling Kate she brought this, which includes physical abuse, on herself.

That is like telling a rape victim the brought rape on themselves.

Or if the husband had been here, told his side of the sotry and someone said "BH, you brought her cheating on yourself."

It may well be very much your opinion but don't be surprised when people object to that.

 

You know there are a lot of men who respond to cheating by violence don't you? Kate's husband may have been one of them. I know what I said was not okay, but there are a lot of violent people out there.