A great read on No Contact...and wondering if I should do it

[Babolat]

It just seems like no matter what these other women bring, it always comes back to they're missing something your ex had that you seem to compare. I believe that on some of your prospects you have stated that there is nothing glaringly wrong with them, unless I missed you point out some big red flags. But, *for some reason* you just never see it fit to proceed. Just seems like you have yet to get her out of your system and you will always look for a reason to not proceed with anyone else until that happens.

I hear you, and I do agree to a point. I think what I am doing, is having known my ex, spent time with her and seen things in her I liked, I now know I like "that kind of woman", if that makes sense. She was a free spirit, which I love, but, she was also very irresponsible.

 

I hear this in Rubys comments about her ex. There was a lot she loved, but some things were missing. Time with my ex showed me things I want, I love, I crave, and yeah, I am probably looking for these things in other woman now. I think, to a degree, this is healthy. I have learned more about myself and what "works" for me in a partner. What think I am doing is seeing they don't "have the bad she did", which is part of the initial attraction.

 

For example, my ex was very affectionate, touchy feely. I went out with one girl 3 times and could tell she was not the affectionate type. I now know that is something I crave.

 

Another example, I like to go out from time to time, drink a little, see a band, get a little crazy. I met a girl, who had a lot of the qualities I like, after one glass of wine, she was done, and said it was her bed time. Not a big deal, but after talking some more I realized she would not be the type that would do this with me.

 

I met another girl, after talking for about 30 minutes she just seemed very sad, not happy. My ex, was a free spirit type and was always upbeat, or at least tried to be.

 

So, I think there are a lot of qualities about my ex that I loved, and, ideally I would like to find some of those in a future partner. Emotionally, I do feel like I have moved on with the ex; which is one reason I am not ready to say yes to her "proposal".

 

There is a woman I have been out with 2 times, we have a 3rd date planned for this weekend. She is very attractive, a head turner, I can tell she is more conservative, yet she grabbed my hand and was touchy feely on our 2nd date, and I liked that. She is a very affectionate person, so, I want to see how a 3rd date goes. I am not wildly attracted to her, though she has an amazing body, she is a head turner, and, I want to see if the physical attraction grows for me as I like a lot about her.

Edited November 22, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

For those keeping score at home...

 

We spent the weekend together. She talked more, I talked more.

 

I am not sure where I am at this point. I am not ready to jump back into the relationship, and, I told her that.

 

I had trust issue with her because of her actions and behaviors while we dated. She understands. We talked about a lot of the subjects of many of my posts on here, while we dated. How I felt when she did some of the thing she did.

 

She talked a lot about comittment. She said, looking back, she now realizes she was not 100% comitted to us. She loved me, she was faithful to me, though some of her decisions, like spending the weekend partying with old friends she was reconnecting with, staying with her male best friend in a hotel room, were made, because, she did not feel we were a LTR. She felt resentment towards me and felt judged, and, she did not think I saw us as a LTR. She was also going thru a lot of transitions, and, started a relationship way too soon post ending a 7 year relationship.

 

She was going thru a lot of major transtions, and, as she put it, was not stable and grounded.

 

She said she has spent a lot of time working on herself. She said she needed to do this, alone, without me in her life. She said she is ready to make a 100% comittment to me, to us, as she knows it's what she wants, and has no doubts.

 

She has cut way back on her drinking. States she has no desire to stay out late, get drunk, party, and act and behave the way she did. She has made decisions to not spend as much time with some of those friends that tug at her, to drink, to party. She will still spend time with them, just not as much. She said she will still wants to have a girls night out every couple of months; though even then she does not want to stay out late, and, she wants to come home to me. She is a social person, very social, and said she still wants to go out, and has been doing so, but stops after 1-2 drinks, and goes home.

 

Friday we went out, had 2 drinks, and she wanted to go home, not me. Saturday, no drinking.

 

I am feeling anxious with her. I want to believe her, and, I know she believes her (if that makes sense), and, I have seen a lot of change. The only real way to know though is toi date again. I told her that, she agrees, and said, she too is taking a big risk as she can get hurt. But, she knows what she wants, me, us, and she is ready to comitt to that 100%.

[Babolat]

Update for those who follow

 

I tried and tired to make round 2 work, but I could not. I could not get "that feeling back" again; and, at ours cores, we are just different.

 

We have had no contact since a text she sent me the day after we ended think 2 Fridays ago; I did not reply. I mailed all of her stuff back to her this week (just a robe and some socks really).

 

I did decide to unfriend my ex gf on Facebook. I looked at her page Sunday morning, and there were photos/pics of her at bars with male/female friends, and even a post about getting hit on/picked up by a 24 year old and how flattered she was, at 44 (it was her birthday so I kind of get the post, but really, telling the world this?).

 

That was enough for me to realize I have no desire to even be friends with her; more of the same. When we are not together she is back at the bars; back at posting pics of herself with friends at baras. She even posted a pic of flowers one of her male friends sent her for her birthday and said "best flowers ever". This is the same male friend she told me is no longer her friend as he was talking sexaully about her behind her back a few months ago. It's the same male friend she would stay in hotels with when we were dating last year, when he came into town to party for the weekend. Some thing, don't change. It's the same male friend who flew her to Chicago 3 times while we dated last year, paid for all of her expenses.

 

She has many redeeming qualites, I am thankful to have met her, learned from her, grown as a man/person. I can't "handle" her and I am sure there is a man out there, who can. I need and deserve more.

 

I had a lunch date on Sunday that went very well. I'm in no rush to date someone seriously. It was nice to get back out there though. Emotionally I feel pretty much healed already after "round 2" with the ex as I was never fully comitted to her and knew it was not going to work.

 

Thanks to those who gave me a lot of support and feedback!