A great read on No Contact...and wondering if I should do it

[Ruby Slippers]

Babolat and I have been PMing for a while because we have some similar dynamics in our relationships.

 

I think he's made some progress. I also think that if he or his ex meets someone else and really wants to move on, they'll handle it OK. It will be sad, sure, but sometimes life is sad.

[Babolat]

Dude this chick is using you. She's using you for an emotional and sometimes physical fix. She thinks you aren't a real man as she has to explain her actions regarding drink buying etc. to you.

 

This woman is obviously toxic to you. (She may not be a bad person but she's toxic to you.) You are taking it personally and are obviously scared to lose her thinking if you go NC for good you'll "never really know" but yet you already do know how things are going.

 

Be glad you don't end up with this woman let ALONE ever have married her.

 

You really need to FORCE yourself to meet more women. Don't be so available to her. Don't be her "girlfriend" shoulder to lean on. If you become that this woman will actually respect you even less. IF she tries it change the subject. Let some other dude be her shoulder to lean on girlfriend. She'll eventually lose feelings for that guy.

 

This woman sounds like she's out exploring her options and you are one of them but an option of emotional fix and sometimes physical.

 

In the end you know you need to go complete and full no contact. Most people won't and or are too afraid to putting their own needs to the side because they think they'll never find someone as good or even better. People think if I just keep trying I can make it work. It pretty much never works and they end up even more F'd up.

 

Some challenges aren't meant to be won but simply as learning experiences in life to grow from with someone much better. If you don't learn and grow from this leaving and going full no contact you're going to go insane.

 

You're looking for any ray of hope. It's not good and you know it. You are making her a priority. She has you as an option.

 

You need to really meet more people. You have needs to. It's about you too. Not just this woman who is an obssessive challenge to you in some need to be "completed" by her as if you're a broken person on your own.

 

You need to move on. You may just wind up looking back on this situation in the future and thinking to yourself: Holy crap. I wasted all that time on THAT. What the hell was I thinking...

 

And have met someone way better for you and you for that new person.

 

I agree with most of your comments, and thnk you for taking the time to reply.

 

I am moving forward, emotionally but not physically yet. I am not ready to be physical with another woman.

 

I spent the entire weekend with my good female friend and had a blast. I see her as the type of woman I want to be in a relationship with (not necessarily her though as I love our friendship). She has a lot of the qualities my ex gf had, without most of the baggage.

 

I spent Saturday with 3 different woman, her, another female friend doing YOGA in the morning, and then I went out clubbing with another femal friend until 4AM!

 

I created an OLD profile, started looking around, no serious interest yet, just poking around.

 

I am actually surprised how quickly I am am moving on from the ex gf. My email reply to her was appropriate in my opinion. I can see us having some sort of friendship in the future, as I do care about her, but yeah, you are right, she is not marriage material for me, or even LTR material; we have some core differences that I never see myself moving pass.

[Babolat]

Babolat, you know I feel for you.

 

My guy and I are discussing breaking up right now, and it's just so sad and hard. My head says we are probably just too different and not a match for the long haul, but my heart fights and fights it, and so does his.

 

The only advice I can offer is to be true to yourself and respectful to her. But I know you're already doing that. I wish you all the best.

 

Thanks Ruby, and I am sad to hear you and Mr Conservative are having these talks, but I saw it coming and it's admirable to hear the two of you can have a talk like this. This is what her and I did about 3 weeks ago.

 

I am finally being true to myself, and it feels wonderful. yet, like you said, it feels sad at the same time. It probably always will, and she will probably alwasy have a special place in my heart, my soul, yet we are just different creatures, who see things differently.

 

Saturday, i did something I have never done. I did Yoga in the morning with one of my female friends, spent the rest of the day with my good female friend at an art festival, than drinking beers with her and friends at a local watering hole, then dinner with the same group. On the way home another female friend texted me asking if I wanted to meet her out at a club. it was 10PM, I was exhausted, but said what the heck,. We stayed out until 4AM, I had a great time. I was back up at 8AM to go meet my good female friend for a day of adventures!

 

I am using this time to learn more about myself, who I am, the kinds of people I like to be around, the energy I need in my life, letting myself just "be" without forcing something to happen or questioning it. I am realizing how much fun I am having without her, as the "fun: with her was stressful to me and caused me a lot of anxiety. And, I don't even think I am ready to date someone right now, and it feels good to know that and to say it.

[Ruby Slippers]

Thanks Ruby, and I am sad to hear you and Mr Conservative are having these talks, but I saw it coming and it's admirable to hear the two of you can have a talk like this. This is what her and I did about 3 weeks ago.

Yeah, that is one thing I love about us, and I feel it's a reflection of my own progress in communication. We care about each other very much, and that shows in how fair and honest we're being. I'm really trying to emphasize that meeting each other and spending this time together was a blessing, whether it leads to marriage or not. I truly want him to be happy in life, whether that's with me or not.

 

Saturday, i did something I have never done. I did Yoga in the morning with one of my female friends, spent the rest of the day with my good female friend at an art festival, than drinking beers with her and friends at a local watering hole, then dinner with the same group. On the way home another female friend texted me asking if I wanted to meet her out at a club. it was 10PM, I was exhausted, but said what the heck,. We stayed out until 4AM, I had a great time. I was back up at 8AM to go meet my good female friend for a day of adventures!

Man, you are living life! That's cool You're gonna be just fine.

[truth_seeker]

I have thought about this. And you may be right, though there are VERY strong emotions there and it's not just sex. We will spend the night together with no sex. And, when she leaves, I am starting to miss her, Months ago that was not the case.

 

She came out one night last week to watch me teach tennis (I volunteer to teach tennis to wheelchair bound folks), and just seeing her sit there, well, was amazing I almost could not stop looking at her. And I loved that she was there, seeing a part of my life she had not seen before. We went for a long walk afterwards, got some dinner, talked a lot, no sex, spent the night and I have not seen her since. I found myself thinking about her over the weekend.

 

We both commented months ago if we make another go at it we do not want to go half arse, rather all in. Though we are kind of doing that.

 

I do not want FWB with her.

 

Yesterday, I looked at her FB page for the first time in a long time. I saw a bikini pic of her and her sister at their familys beach house. As always she looked incredible..she could truly be a playboy playmate. One of her male FB "friends" commented "Wow, double yum!" and she Liked it. Then her daugher, 13 years old, comment in all caps "THATS MY MOM! you are yumming double yum too!". That bothered me and is one of the things that bugged me when we dated. Her posting pics on FB and her male friends posting what I saw as flirtatious, sexy comments, and her Liking the Comments. She commented later stating it's just good fun. All I could think is why did she not delete the comment to begin with; rather she Liked it. And her daughter sees this behavior.

 

I know, I could be taking it all out of context; I do not know the male friend, it could just be good fun between friends and maybe she does the same on his FB page.

 

I want to go NC, I feel like it's the right thing to do. I am not reaching out to her or persuing her...that's a start I guess. Right now I almost feel mad at her, like "leave me alone", though I know I have a say in this too and it still feels good to hear from her.

 

Oh, man... remove her from Facebook. It's only going to torture you to see her updates. She will probably posts things to mess with your head.

 

No contact also means not knowing what's going on in her life.

[Babolat]

Yeah, that is one thing I love about us, and I feel it's a reflection of my own progress in communication. We care about each other very much, and that shows in how fair and honest we're being. I'm really trying to emphasize that meeting each other and spending this time together was a blessing, whether it leads to marriage or not. I truly want him to be happy in life, whether that's with me or not.

.

 

I feel the same about my progress in communication.

 

Our talks were always calm, productive, meaningful, verus turning into arguments. She seemed to want to take them in that direction, throw out a bunch of meaningless bunk, raise her voice, and I was quite proud of myself for keeping things "on track", calm, etc. She use to tell me that was one thing she liked about me, that she had never been with a man who could talk to her. Coming from a "no communication" marriage, it was nice to hear this; knowing I was/am getting better.

Edited September 16, 2013 by Babolat

[RogerWallace111]

I have and lemme tell you it was one of the worst times of my life. It was with my gf of 4 years and like you, *I* was the one who broke up with her. But, she pursued me, and I was still emotionally attached to her, so I started seeing her for only sex. Then we started going on "dates" where we would spend the entire day together. And things were going SO well. Better than ever. Even the sex was better than ever.

 

And then I started spending the night. And I could feel myself wanting to be with her...but yet...I didn't want to be with her still. I guess I was having my cake and eating it, too. Having what I thought was an exclusive "relationship" with her, without being exclusive.

 

 

 

Are you me ?

[RogerWallace111]

Saturday, i did something I have never done. I did Yoga in the morning with one of my female friends, spent the rest of the day with my good female friend at an art festival, than drinking beers with her and friends at a local watering hole, then dinner with the same group. On the way home another female friend texted me asking if I wanted to meet her out at a club. it was 10PM, I was exhausted, but said what the heck,. We stayed out until 4AM, I had a great time. I was back up at 8AM to go meet my good female friend for a day of adventures!

 

They are good to have in these sort of situations !

[Babolat]

They are good to have in these sort of situations !

 

Agreed! And rather than trying to over analyze these friendships, I am just "being" and having fun.

 

One of my female friends sent me an email last weekend explaining her "disappearance". She said she was having a lot of fun with me, it scared her, she is not emotiaonally ready for a relationship, and thought she saw hints from me that I wanted to date her. Ironically, I thought I was seeing the same from her, but kept quiet as I knew what my intent/interests were, and even reminded her in my reply to her email that I am the one who said "friends only" from the get go.

[Babolat]

I hate this. I bought tickets 5+ weeks agao for us for a concert that was last night. When we agreed to NC 3+ weeks ago I sold them on Stub Hub.

 

She sent me a text around 6:30PM yesterday stating "Have fun at the <xyz> concert. I am thinking about you....."

 

It feels means to not reply, to not acknowledge her.

 

I don't think she is tossing a breadcrumb, just being who she is. I know where I stand, I do not want to date her, I am moving on, feeling good, so why is it wrong to reply "Thanks" or something brief like that?

[Babolat]

Well, she has done it again. She texted me 2 days ago in the early afternoon to state she left something at my house for me. I did not reply.

 

When I got home I saw it was a CD for the book "The Five Attachments". She left a handwritten note stating she recently saw the author speak, his message spoke to her, and she wanted me to hear it, that she felt like she was there for a reason.

 

She later texted me to ask me to text her back confirming I got it, which I did after much reservation..just a "Got it, thank you". She replied stating "Thank you for letting me know. I hope it speaks to you like it spoke to me".

 

Ugh...why is she doing this?

[Babolat]

Well, I took a pretty big step, for me at least, this weekend. One of my female friends, not the 45 year old one, and I went out Friday night. After a couple of drinks she pretty much told me she does not want to date me, just have fun, and sex. She said she's been thinking about if for a while, wasn't sure if she could do it. I shared the same. Back to my house, 3 hours later she went home.....fill in the blanks.

 

She texted me the next night asking if she could come over, of course, 4 hours later she went home.

 

This is very new to me as I have never had sex with a woman outside of a relationship; and it's the first woman I have been with since my ex gf, and emotionally it was a challenge. In a very strange way though I think I needed this as I feel a lot better today. The ex gf texted me last night from 6PM to 10PM and I did not reply. I think the texting increased as I did not reply. And, I have no plans to reply.

 

Not sure where the friend thing is going to go. I like her, I don't want to get into a serious relationship right now, which feels strange to say, but it also feels good to say as i am listening to myself for the first time in a long time.

[Lansing]

Is this one of the girls that you "liked" before and wasn't sure if she was interested in you? Or a different one?

 

BTW, you should just keep one thread updated. No point in copy and pasting your updates on both threads, just confuses things.

[Babolat]

Is this one of the girls that you "liked" before and wasn't sure if she was interested in you? Or a different one?

 

BTW, you should just keep one thread updated. No point in copy and pasting your updates on both threads, just confuses things.

 

It's a different one. One I started hanging out with recently, doing friend stuff with..she was hinting at more..wasn't sure I was ready for that and I thought she wanted to date me, which I am not ready for with her. She is recently out of a relationship.

 

Mid week last week we went for an urban hike, had dinner, the next day she texted me asking if she could come over Friday night. She did, we went out for dinner, had some drinks, back to my house, had the talk, nothing happened, back out to a club/bar, back to my house, which is when things started.

 

Now it's Monday, and I am processing the whole thing. Not sure how I feel about it right now. Part of me is excited, like "woo hoo", this could be great until I meet the one. Part of me is like "what the heck are you doing?". In a strange way I feel like this is something I needed to do, to let go, especially emotionally.

 

I truly believe life is about timing, and things happen for a reason so I do not feel bad or guilty about this, and those that will judge, enjoy. It's something I am OK with, which feels realy strange for me to say.

Edited September 30, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

It's been almost 3 months since I have had contact with the ex gf, and I feel great.

 

Well, this morning, she texts me, asking if she can meet me for dinner next week, her treat. I did not respond. Later today she texted again stating she knows I am probably wondering why, obviously she would like to talk to me, it's more than that though.

 

I really don't want to see her; though, part of me does, I am curious as to what she wants to share with me.

 

Ugh....

[Bigcitydreamer]

Hey Babalot,

 

I've been keeping up with your posts for sometime and it is very easy to relate to you. The truth of the matter is though that you know who she is as a person. You don't need her explanations and your not misreading in to texts. You just need to make a firm decision within yourself of what you want to do and stick with it. Do you want to give her another shot to see if she has changed or do you want to move on? Because if you want to move on then there is only one thing to do.

 

Would she get back together with you if you asked her to give it another shot? If no then you also have to cut the cord regardless of what you want. This texting your ex all the time is definitely not the norm. I see its been 3 months now though which is great!

[Ruby Slippers]

It's been almost 3 months since I have had contact with the ex gf, and I feel great.

 

Well, this morning, she texts me, asking if she can meet me for dinner next week, her treat. I did not respond. Later today she texted again stating she knows I am probably wondering why, obviously she would like to talk to me, it's more than that though.

 

I really don't want to see her; though, part of me does, I am curious as to what she wants to share with me.

 

Ugh....

My vote is: Don't do it. You're saying it all right here yourself.

 

What does she possibly have to offer your life that she didn't before?

 

I broke up with my ex almost a month ago and still think about him, dream about him, wonder about him. But I know I made the right decision and feel at peace with it. He gave many hints that he'll be back around when the no contact period is up - and I've wondered how I'll handle it if it happens. The one thing I keep coming back to is that I'll be much more cautious, and he'd have to make a very strong case before I'd even see him again.

 

It's your decision, of course, but I think you'll be better off maintaining no contact for a while. Just my 2 cents.

[Babolat]

My vote is: Don't do it. You're saying it all right here yourself.

 

What does she possibly have to offer your life that she didn't before?

 

I broke up with my ex almost a month ago and still think about him, dream about him, wonder about him. But I know I made the right decision and feel at peace with it. He gave many hints that he'll be back around when the no contact period is up - and I've wondered how I'll handle it if it happens. The one thing I keep coming back to is that I'll be much more cautious, and he'd have to make a very strong case before I'd even see him again.

 

It's your decision, of course, but I think you'll be better off maintaining no contact for a while. Just my 2 cents.

 

I do still think about her, the good that is. I replace those thoughts with the bad, and I quickly move pass it.

 

She has been in a few of my dreams.

 

I have been on many dates over the past 3 months, nothing serious. I don't seem to be able to trust women at this point and it comes out pretty quick. My guess is because of what I went thru with her. A girl I met recently, in a matter of hours, called me out on it, which was very cool. She read me like a book after only knowing me for a few hours. She did it in a caring way though, which was very cool.

 

Like you, I am cautious, and she would have to make a VERY good case for me to even consider seeing her again.

 

Ruby, you say you would meet him after your 90 days, so why should I not meet her, to hear what she has to say?

 

She has been telling me for months she needs to work on herslf, make sure any changes she makes are for her, not for me, that she needed time away from me to do that. Maybe this is a meeting to say she is happy, likes where she is, and does not want to get back together, just wants to see me, maybe say a final goodbye, or lets be friends, who knows.

 

I want to text her and ask what "it's more than that though" means, and ask her why she wants to meet. Not sure how to word that text though without coming across as suspicious.

Edited November 13, 2013 by Babolat

[SerCay]

I don't disagree..really just "checking it out" for now, we are not dating, I don't want to..just trying to enjoy the time we do spend together. I am still doing my other "stuff".

 

I think we've all been in your situation..I have.

It happens when 1 of the 2 is consciously attached and the other uncinsciously. While you know this is unhealthy you try to keep away, but she doesnt think about it and just contacts you when she misses you.

 

REMINDER: SHE is busy fixing HERSELF. YOU are busy fixing THE RELATIONSHIP. But who is gonna take care of you then?

 

The other stuff you talk about? Tell us more about it?

Cause I don't believe to be honest that you are able to do anything without incorporating her in your thoughts IN ANY WAY to it...

 

I'm not judging btw, I have been in this situation...I just hate to see when people are going through the same emo rollercoaster..it's unneccesary and feels like SH*T...all the highs and lows yayksss I hope you'll pass this phase soon.

 

I strongly suggest you read into self esteem, co-dependency, hyper sensitivity and creating personal boundaries.

 

Best of luck..

[Babolat]

I strongly suggest you read into self esteem, co-dependency, hyper sensitivity and creating personal boundaries.

 

The other stuff you talk about? Tell us more about it?

Cause I don't believe to be honest that you are able to do anything without incorporating her in your thoughts IN ANY WAY to it...

 

 

Best of luck..

 

Good advice, and I have, a lot. This relationship was the first time I ever thought about any of these, so I have read, read, read, and was working with a great counselor for a while, too.

 

You make a great point on the "thoughts" comment. I know, and I hate this, I am comparing her good, what was really good, to others I am going on dates with. My parents recently said, and they only met her once, that they picked up on a "seduction" from her, not in a sexual way, not in an intentioanl way either. She was just seducing. Something about her. Amazing beauty and amazing charm. I have thought about that a lot.

[MidwestUSA]

DO NOT break your NC. You've made it this far, and I'll admit even I am curious as to what she has to say, but DON'T.

 

(But, if you do, come back and tell us right away. )

[SerCay]

Good advice, and I have, a lot. This relationship was the first time I ever thought about any of these, so I have read, read, read, and was working with a great counselor for a while, too.

 

You make a great point on the "thoughts" comment. I know, and I hate this, I am comparing her good, what was really good, to others I am going on dates with. My parents recently said, and they only met her once, that they picked up on a "seduction" from her, not in a sexual way, not in an intentioanl way either. She was just seducing. Something about her. Amazing beauty and amazing charm. I have thought about that a lot.

 

(virtual hug)

 

I have been there exactly. You will later realize this was infatuation combined with an image in your head about her being the perfect person and no other perfect person existing. But yeah,only in time you will realize. I know many people told me the same thing, and however much I wanted to believe them, I just couldn't see it.

 

Here's my advice, and this is doable: Dig deep into the co-dependency etc I mentioned before. Learn about yourself, who you are, why you are, if you're perhaps love addicted? and why are you pedestalling this person? Dig into your self love or possible inferiority complex, I mean just dig into yourself by doing research and find out who you are, what you have been through that made you who you are and THEN you will see where you are today, and why you are where you are. For me it worked that way...I figured myself out bit by bit, it was like a journey. And then I opened my eyes...

 

Look just keep this in mind, you have to live with yourself forever, she might not be around. Get to know you and fix yourself first, before another person.

[Babolat]

(virtual hug)

 

I have been there exactly. You will later realize this was infatuation combined with an image in your head about her being the perfect person and no other perfect person existing. But yeah,only in time you will realize. I know many people told me the same thing, and however much I wanted to believe them, I just couldn't see it.

 

Here's my advice, and this is doable: Dig deep into the co-dependency etc I mentioned before. Learn about yourself, who you are, why you are, if you're perhaps love addicted? and why are you pedestalling this person? Dig into your self love or possible inferiority complex, I mean just dig into yourself by doing research and find out who you are, what you have been through that made you who you are and THEN you will see where you are today, and why you are where you are. For me it worked that way...I figured myself out bit by bit, it was like a journey. And then I opened my eyes...

 

Look just keep this in mind, you have to live with yourself forever, she might not be around. Get to know you and fix yourself first, before another person.

 

Thanks, good advice.

 

The woman I mentioned, who figured me out in a matter of hours of talking with me, meaning she read me, she shared her impression of me, things only I think about and don't share (where I actually did not say a lot about me), gave me this exact advice yesterday talking on the phone.

[Babolat]

I just replied to her text, telling her I have done a lot of healing in the past 3 months, and that I do not want any setbacks right now. I asked here what "more than that, though" means.

 

She replied immediately:

 

"I don't either!! Really and truly I don't. Please meet me and hear what I have to say. I promise I will tell you what "more than that" means when we meet."

 

Prior to our last contact 3+ months ago she was doing a lot of apologizing for her actions/behaviors while we dated. Not in an effort to get me back though. I am wondering if she wants to apologize more, tell me where she is in her life now, and not, not want to date, but be friends. I just don't see her wanting to "try again" either.

 

I was the dumper, she finally recognized "post dumping" she was pretty much out of control and did not want to live that way anymore....guessing she just wants to update me? Dunno. Feels harsh to say no, as, to this day, we have been amicable and never had harsh words with each other. Maybe there is something going on in her life, she needs my advice, my support....

[Ruby Slippers]

Maybe there is something going on in her life, she needs my advice, my support....

Don't forget that you broke up with her because YOU were not getting what you needed from HER. I don't think you should give in to the urge to "fix" her or "be her friend" and distract yourself from your own healing and progress.

 

I talked to my counselor today, and he summarized that my ex has made it pretty clear all along that he will pretty much always be open to getting back with me. As a good friend of mine pointed out a long time ago, I meet all of his needs. But he doesn't meet mine. So of course he wouldn't want it to end.

 

I think this is the common thread between your relationship with your ex and mine. Her drinking with other men, spending the night in hotel rooms with other men, posting revealing pictures to get attention on Facebook, and all those related incidents crossed a line that wasn't OK for you in a relationship. She did and did not do certain things you needed. My ex was the same way. He did and did not do certain things that I needed, things that made me feel unloved and unappreciated.

 

She was cool with things the way they were, and just like my ex, her only real problem with you is that you wouldn't accept those things that felt wrong to you. But it was right for you not to accept them, because those things weren't right for you.

 

I said that if I were to speak to my ex again, he'd have to make a very convincing case for why I should. But with reflection, I think that's just wishful thinking. Nothing he can say would change the core differences, our very different views on love and what it means, how it's expressed, what you do and do not do to nurture it.

 

What's in it for YOU to see her? Completely remove what's in it for HER. What's in it for you?

 

She got a lot from you that she needed - attention, validation, various forms of support. But you never fully got what you needed from her.

 

My counselor also pointed out that 3 months really isn't long enough to reflect, or for either person to make any substantive changes.

 

I also don't like that she's throwing out this teaser - "it's more than that, though". I think she knows how to push your buttons, and knows this will pique your curiosity and reel you in again. She'll only reveal this magical "secret" if you give in to her request to meet. Why can't she reveal it now? Probably because she knows it won't have any real impact and won't further her agenda.

 

Obviously you can do what you want. But I don't think seeing her right now is going to be beneficial to you in any way.