Why is it that only "female" friends cause jealousy?

[Maleficent]

We've been telling this guy what we think he should do for 10 pages and he starts another thread with the same subject, same question, asked differently.

 

He's obviously just looking for someone to tell him he's right.

[Treasa]

OP, go ahead and insist on being with your female friend. By all means, do so. You have every right to. You are in control of yourself. No one tells you what you can and cannot do.

 

Please also tell your girlfriend to start hanging out with other friends more, and to particularly make friend with people of both genders and hang out with them. It would be very helpful for her to hang out one-on-one with other guys. That will either show her that nothing is happening...or it will show you how she feels. Or she'll fall for one of these guys, get laid, and leave you in the dust with the girl who only wants to be friends with you.

[Maleficent]

I love how there's never an opportunity lost to turn something into an all out gender war.

 

Man some of you fellas really hate women!

 

I know. It's kind of scary actually...

[Summerslam]

I have made two threads about the issue, but its getting completely out of hand now.

 

My GF didn't like a female friend that I had, so I've decided to let them have dinner together alone, but that accomplished nothing, they embarrassed themselves in public, so I got them in the same room & got everything out of them.

 

After being called an inconsiderate jerk of a BF here by a lot of posters, turns out it wasn't me, those two had history together but they didn't tell me, & my GF (& some posters here) had me feel guilty & second-guessing my decisions the whole time, so I told both of them not to call me until they solve their differences, & I will not get involved in their petty games. Sure enough, an hour later they called me & told me what happened between them is history & it won't happen again, I somehow seriously doubt that they'd let it go, what do you think I should do?

[miss_jaclynrae]

Own up to the fact that you put your friend before your girlfriend.

[Summerslam]

What exactly is their history?

 

Petty stuff, they were in a class together in college, X insults Y, so Y sends a friend to trap X's boyfriend.

[Els]

so I told both of them not to call me until they solve their differences, & I will not get involved in their petty games

 

...........................

 

Oh for fecks' sake....

 

I changed my mind. If your gf still hasn't dumped you even after this, she absolutely deserves you.

[Midnight_Princess]

So your friends been lying to you everytime she said she likes your girlfriend? Really cant blame your GF for thinking the friend has some kind of motive given the history here. It looks like your going to have to choose. They will never get along, the more they pretend the more it will build up and blow up like it has now. If shes a real friend she will understand why she needs to sit on the sidelines while you are in this relationship.

[darkmoon]

no friend should impinge on couple

 

she is no friend to you for doing so

[darkmoon]

your friend is BITCH for not making polite excuses about being busy and quietly moving on

[sillyanswer]

I think it's time for you to stop sitting on the fence and choose either your gf or your friend and ditch the other one. (That's assuming they don't both ditch you first.)

 

Unless you like the drama, in which case just carry on.

[Summerslam]

Ok, A) who the hell is X and who the hell is Y in this scenario? B) You mean to tell me two women mutually colluded to withhold this information from you? I find this all a little too convenient. It's so odd that your girlfriend previously listed a number of very valid things she didn't like about this friend and now suddenly this "truth" comes out?

 

IF -- and that's a big "if" -- this story about their history is true, your so-called BFF isn't quite the bestie you thought she was is she? She had animosity towards your girlfriend from years ago -- that YOU failed to pick up on might I add -- and withheld it from you. On that same token, your girlfriend is no peach either. She, like your friend kept this information from you.

 

That said, from the other two threads it is abundantly clear you aren't really invested in your relationship with your girlfriend so as far as what you should do? I say end it. Whatever your girlfriend's reasons for not liking this friend you refused to acknowledge them or accept that they may have had any validity whatsoever. Instead you opted to gaslight her and look for ways for force her to come round to your way of thinking rather than...I don't know..compromise?

 

Hell, you had to get browbeaten into even broaching the subject with her in the first place. You're just not mature enough to handle a committed relationship right now and that's fine but before you bask in the ego boosting glory that is basically two women at war over you, think about how petty all of this is.

 

X is my GF & Y is the friend.

 

The things she "listed" as the reasons she didn't like my friend were BS & I said so in my previous thread. & yes I'm disappointed in both of them for hiding this from me, I know that if one of them brought it up she'd look like the petty one of the two, but if they're gonna ignore it they might as well get over it.

 

I am invested in my relationship with my GF, despite me arguing with the posters here & not agreeing with their suggestions, I ended up doing them since they were usually near unanimous.

 

If that's how it feels like to get an "ego boost" as you're saying, then it feels like crap, this situation is driving my hair gray already, I honestly didn't expect them to be this petty & childish over a ridiculously trivial thing, I honestly don't know what to do, & its driving me crazy.

[Emilia]

I honestly don't know what to do, & its driving me crazy.

It's pretty obvious that you are enjoying it.

[Summerslam]

It's pretty obvious that you are enjoying it.

 

I'm not a sadistic person as you are implying, yeah I might look like an a** in some of my posts, but that's more like my personality than me as a person, yeah I admit that I have a somewhat unlikable personality, but I am not a bad person.

[Summerslam]

My friends said I should just dump my GF.

 

I knew asking for advice from them was a bad idea, it was useless.

[Kamille]

I somehow seriously doubt that they'd let it go, what do you think I should do?

 

, I honestly don't know what to do, & its driving me crazy.

 

I haven't read any of the threads. I'm thinking it's probably better that way, as it sounds like a lot of great posters have given you good advice.

 

But I am struck by the fact that you feel the need to do something, even now, after the two girls have hashed it out and 'confessed' the truth. Is there really anything for you to do here? What about just letting it go? You say you're invested in your relationship. That means getting past this fiasco. And that means moving on and letting it go. And trusting that your girlfriend and you can make the right decisions for your relationship together.

[Babolat]

So... you hang out one on one with a female friend whom you've slept with before, 1-2 times every week, and you don't invite your gf to come along.

 

And you wonder what the problem is.

 

Has it ever occurred to you that most people would consider your behaviour inappropriate?

 

Disclaimer, I did not read all 10 pages....

 

Bingo, and in my opinion your gf SHOULD know about this. Why are you hiding it from her?

[Summerslam]

I haven't read any of the threads. I'm thinking it's probably better that way, as it sounds like a lot of great posters have given you good advice.

 

But I am struck by the fact that you feel the need to do something, even now, after the two girls have hashed it out and 'confessed' the truth. Is there really anything for you to do here? What about just letting it go? You say you're invested in your relationship. That means getting past this fiasco. And that means moving on and letting it go. And trusting that your girlfriend and you can make the right decisions for your relationship together.

 

Basically, my GF was showing some jealousy towards me hanging out with a female friend, later she confessed that she didn't like this friend, so I told them to have dinner together, in which they had a big argument & it turns out that there was some bad blood between them in the past.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Summer......nothing has changed...I stand by these comments with a slight edit based on new info.

 

She does not like THIS PARTICULAR GIRL...she is not saying she is against all male female friendships but that this particular one is threatening to her. She hated her in college, she hates her now. How hard is that for you to understand?

 

If for example she WERE a lesbian, then your girlfriend would not likely be as wound up over the time you spend together...true. But she's not.

 

But the fact that you have had a sexual relationship and a long term friendship certainly is an issue.

 

So I will list all the things that are red flags that YOU HAVE SAID YOURSELF.

 

1. You spend an awful lot of one on one time with this girl

2. You have had a long term friendship, with lots of shared experiences,

3. You have had a sexual relationship with her

4. You talk to your friend about relationship issues and problems

5. She is very attractive

6. You have more in common with her

7. She doesn't have long term relationships, no boyfriend and doesn't like to be fixed up

8. She is not friendly to your girlfriend

9. She dresses provocatively when in your presence

10. She does not work to make your girlfriend comfortable

11. She sleeps over at your house

12. You call her your best friend

13. You will not change your relationship with her unless given reasons that meet your personal validity. Your BFF takes priority between the two of them.

13.b Your BFF hates your GF; and your GF hates your BFF

13.c your BFF has bad mouthed other girls you were seeing before

13.d This relationship with you BFF has never interfered in any of your other long term relationships...or have you had any other long term relationships?

 

 

Now some things we have assumed from what you say and don't say.

14. The BFF is giving off the MINE vibe to your girlfriend (no you would not know)

15. The BFF and you are enjoying the sexual tension and fail to see that it is visible to others.

16. One or both of you have unresolved feelings about each other, I am guessing its you.

 

About your girlfriend that YOU SAID

17. She's not as attractive as your BFF and you didn't want to insult her intelligence by suggesting otherwise. But you think your GF is attractive

18. You have less in common with up your GF, but that doesn't matter

19. Your GF bothers you, is insecure and jealous, about this particular girl. (But for no reason you will accept)

 

I really want to believe you are not so set in your ways or dense that you don't get it.

 

----------------------

 

OMG I finally figured this out...finally....

 

OP/Summer - you are pretty young (24?) and you have known the BFF for "a while" and she slept with you, indicated it was a drunken mistake (Did I hear you were college roommates?) but you became besties.

 

She then has proceeded to provide you with wingman services, critiquing your dates; "Helping you out" getting dates and providing relationship advice.

 

You hang out one on one, a lot and you both have a ton in common. So of course you get mostvof your dating guidance from her.

 

She has been providing you with "relationship advice" about your current girlfriend. Being your confidant, creating a bond of the two of you that excludes everyone else.

 

... Has she ever been IN a relationship? A long term one? With anyone other than you?

 

She's a Trojan horse. She's your Trojan horse.

 

There is so much advice you have been given, but discount because we are offending you or you perceive it as an insult, amiright? Or maybe you really think your situation is so very different from the others?

 

Too bad...you have gotten some good stuff here...with the exception of the posters who just wait for just this kind of topic to start a thread war about how girls hate guys, or guys hate girls or whatever.

 

But I know you won't listen...but the good thing is you have several years for this thread, and your other thread to be available for you to read after all this is over. Maybe then you will realize we meant well and tried to help you.

 

It's like a train wreck. We know its coming but you won't get off the track...

 

-----------

 

Yep pretty much same advice.

[Summerslam]

Summer......nothing has changed...I stand by these comments with a slight edit based on new info.

 

She does not like THIS PARTICULAR GIRL...she is not saying she is against all male female friendships but that this particular one is threatening to her. She hated her in college, she hates her now. How hard is that for you to understand?

 

If for example she WERE a lesbian, then your girlfriend would not likely be as wound up over the time you spend together...true. But she's not.

 

But the fact that you have had a sexual relationship and a long term friendship certainly is an issue.

 

So I will list all the things that are red flags that YOU HAVE SAID YOURSELF.

 

1. You spend an awful lot of one on one time with this girl

2. You have had a long term friendship, with lots of shared experiences,

3. You have had a sexual relationship with her

4. You talk to your friend about relationship issues and problems

5. She is very attractive

6. You have more in common with her

7. She doesn't have long term relationships, no boyfriend and doesn't like to be fixed up

8. She is not friendly to your girlfriend

9. She dresses provocatively when in your presence

10. She does not work to make your girlfriend comfortable

11. She sleeps over at your house

12. You call her your best friend

13. You will not change your relationship with her unless given reasons that meet your personal validity. Your BFF takes priority between the two of them.

13.b Your BFF hates your GF; and your GF hates your BFF

13.c your BFF has bad mouthed other girls you were seeing before

13.d This relationship with you BFF has never interfered in any of your other long term relationships...or have you had any other long term relationships?

 

 

Now some things we have assumed from what you say and don't say.

14. The BFF is giving off the MINE vibe to your girlfriend (no you would not know)

15. The BFF and you are enjoying the sexual tension and fail to see that it is visible to others.

16. One or both of you have unresolved feelings about each other, I am guessing its you.

 

About your girlfriend that YOU SAID

17. She's not as attractive as your BFF and you didn't want to insult her intelligence by suggesting otherwise. But you think your GF is attractive

18. You have less in common with up your GF, but that doesn't matter

19. Your GF bothers you, is insecure and jealous, about this particular girl. (But for no reason you will accept)

 

I really want to believe you are not so set in your ways or dense that you don't get it.

 

----------------------

 

OMG I finally figured this out...finally....

 

OP/Summer - you are pretty young (24?) and you have known the BFF for "a while" and she slept with you, indicated it was a drunken mistake (Did I hear you were college roommates?) but you became besties.

 

She then has proceeded to provide you with wingman services, critiquing your dates; "Helping you out" getting dates and providing relationship advice.

 

You hang out one on one, a lot and you both have a ton in common. So of course you get mostvof your dating guidance from her.

 

She has been providing you with "relationship advice" about your current girlfriend. Being your confidant, creating a bond of the two of you that excludes everyone else.

 

... Has she ever been IN a relationship? A long term one? With anyone other than you?

 

She's a Trojan horse. She's your Trojan horse.

 

There is so much advice you have been given, but discount because we are offending you or you perceive it as an insult, amiright? Or maybe you really think your situation is so very different from the others?

 

Too bad...you have gotten some good stuff here...with the exception of the posters who just wait for just this kind of topic to start a thread war about how girls hate guys, or guys hate girls or whatever.

 

But I know you won't listen...but the good thing is you have several years for this thread, and your other thread to be available for you to read after all this is over. Maybe then you will realize we meant well and tried to help you.

 

It's like a train wreck. We know its coming but you won't get off the track...

 

-----------

 

Yep pretty much same advice.

 

I get it, but right now I'm being dragged into their petty fights, I'll probably tone down the time I spend with my friend, she'd understand, limiting my friendship to lunch & the occasional bowling/pool night would probably help my relationship with my GF tremendously.

 

But the issue is much bigger right now, they REALLY hate each other, I guess there's nothing I can do about that, but there would probably be some resentment if I make any sort of contact, I would NOT give up my entire friendship because my GF hates this friend for some petty college fight, compromise should be from both sides otherwise it wouldn't be called compromise.

 

I just don't know where to start & how to go ahead with it, I still haven't talked to any of them.

[darkmoon]

I get it, but right now I'm being dragged into their petty fights, I'll probably tone down the time I spend with my friend, she'd understand, limiting my friendship to lunch & the occasional bowling/pool night would probably help my relationship with my GF tremendously.

 

But the issue is much bigger right now, they REALLY hate each other, I guess there's nothing I can do about that, but there would probably be some resentment if I make any sort of contact, I would NOT give up my entire friendship because my GF hates this friend for some petty college fight, compromise should be from both sides otherwise it wouldn't be called compromise.

 

I just don't know where to start & how to go ahead with it, I still haven't talked to any of them.

 

listen, if I were in your girl's shoes, I would insist that you go to bed with this friend, go on, have some burger, my rump/steak is in demand elsewhere (you never did want to ball the friend more than once)

[PlumPrincess]

Petty stuff, they were in a class together in college, X insults Y, so Y sends a friend to trap X's boyfriend.

X is my GF & Y is the friend.

You mean, your girlfriend X is pissed, because your friend Y once tried to drive a wedge between her and her boyfriend and you do not understand why she is pissed now that friend Y is hanging out so much with her current boyfriend, aka as YOU?

Edited August 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I get it, but right now I'm being dragged into their petty fights, I'll probably tone down the time I spend with my friend, she'd understand, limiting my friendship to lunch & the occasional bowling/pool night would probably help my relationship with my GF tremendously.

 

But the issue is much bigger right now, they REALLY hate each other, I guess there's nothing I can do about that, but there would probably be some resentment if I make any sort of contact, I would NOT give up my entire friendship because my GF hates this friend for some petty college fight, compromise should be from both sides otherwise it wouldn't be called compromise.

 

I just don't know where to start & how to go ahead with it, I still haven't talked to any of them.

 

To give you the benefit of the doubt I am going to try this again.

 

1. The hate between them is not isolated to what happened before. Everything that has happened since has exacerbated the original hate (see my Trojan horse comment) so while they may have always disliked each other.....all the time and priori that you give to your BFF is what is keeping the hate alive on your girlfriends side.. And on your BFF side...I stand by my other comments, and those of several other posters who told you that your BFF is claiming you and doesn't want to share.

 

2. Your BFF is going to continue to be a sticking point in your relationship with your girlfriend...forever. Why? Because your GF feels that she is a third wheel and comes second.

but there would probably be some resentment if I make any sort of contact, I would NOT give up my entire friendship because my GF hates this friend

 

3. Your friends recommend you dumping your GF. Why is that? They know you in real life. So is it because they think you have a thing for the BFF?

 

 

probably tone down the time I spend with my friend

4. I would not bet on that. Why do you think that she would be gracious, if there is fighting and bad blood on both sides? I mean I am sure she does not want your relationship to survive because she could have made this better if she wanted to...right? It would have required an apology from her about what happened in college, and an agreement to support your relationship.

 

So why won't she do that?

 

Direct Answers will help us advise you correctly

[Babolat]

so I told them to have dinner together, in which they had a big argument & it turns out that there was some bad blood between them in the past.

 

Really, have dinner together? You must be what, 16, 17, 18 at most? Sorry for the sarcasm but man, this cannot be real. Why dinner, just ask for a 3-way..your GF will LOVE that idea.

 

Of course there will be bad blood...

Edited August 21, 2013 by Babolat

[Maleficent]

I have made two threads about the issue, but its getting completely out of hand now.

 

My GF didn't like a female friend that I had, so I've decided to let them have dinner together alone, but that accomplished nothing, they embarrassed themselves in public, so I got them in the same room & got everything out of them.

 

After being called an inconsiderate jerk of a BF here by a lot of posters, turns out it wasn't me, those two had history together but they didn't tell me, & my GF (& some posters here) had me feel guilty & second-guessing my decisions the whole time, so I told both of them not to call me until they solve their differences, & I will not get involved in their petty games. Sure enough, an hour later they called me & told me what happened between them is history & it won't happen again, I somehow seriously doubt that they'd let it go, what do you think I should do?

 

Still looking for validation aren't we?