Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[hayewils]

Its funny that you say that revitup,

My first ex wife believed she was a full fledged attorney when we were going through our divorce. She passed paperwork through my attorney who turned and charged her 1500 for his time on her paperwork, then i wound up with custody. She doesnt think to much of the legal field today.

[Misadventure]

Hi guys. I hope you are ok. How do I turn on PM's on this thing? Rev, as soon as I do, yes lemme know.

 

The weekend I tried to stay out as much as possible... Friday I was at a Friends Bday and it made me feel more lost and alone then ever... Saturday spent the day with my best friend, his SO and his sister..gave them the print out of the dating profile..

 

Then I just felt like...I wonder if he is out with one of the women he met etc...and probably is...just filling his time..replacing. Just made me sad..and mad!

 

Today, it rained ALL day really bad..and I pretty much worked from home, my dogs could not go out...I tried to stay busy but just felt bad today, and same thoughts.

 

The next few days will be at the office so that will be better. I am just tired of feeling sad, and wanting for him to feel some sort of regret and remorse (and no, I don't want him back but I would like some feeling of closure for me, or that he feels some bit of any pain that I have went through like a human being).

 

Sigh.

[trippi1432]

Hi guys. I hope you are ok. How do I turn on PM's on this thing? Rev, as soon as I do, yes lemme know.

 

The weekend I tried to stay out as much as possible... Friday I was at a Friends Bday and it made me feel more lost and alone then ever... Saturday spent the day with my best friend, his SO and his sister..gave them the print out of the dating profile..

 

Then I just felt like...I wonder if he is out with one of the women he met etc...and probably is...just filling his time..replacing. Just made me sad..and mad!

 

Today, it rained ALL day really bad..and I pretty much worked from home, my dogs could not go out...I tried to stay busy but just felt bad today, and same thoughts.

 

The next few days will be at the office so that will be better. I am just tired of feeling sad, and wanting for him to feel some sort of regret and remorse (and no, I don't want him back but I would like some feeling of closure for me, or that he feels some bit of any pain that I have went through like a human being).

 

Sigh.

 

Ehh...it's not pretty when they beg you back for closure, especially when they are with someone else and do that in the home you shared. I have a thread out there somewhere on that. I did offer to call my exH's "woman" to let him know where he was.

 

I also thought that getting 'under' another guy wold help, well, don't need someone else to validate my worth, I know me. Don't put yourself through that one. My ex did, to his downfall, it ended us. I didn't know someone else existed until he had sex with me to figure out who he wanted...15 years monogamous..my exH made me really see men in a different light. Took a while to trust again....trust is always questionable once the blinders are off.

[Mystery2Me]

Hey MsA! Glad that you found your way to spend time with friends this weekend...AND more energy to work today!!

 

I know it is sooooo hard but you can not make your recovery contingent on his taking responsiblity or understanding even the slightest of the pain he caused you.

 

He completely investing brain washing himself and those website prey that life is as he dreams it to be. Because if he acknowledges even smallest truth his world will crash.

 

So you have to do the SAME, choose MsA and the hell with him. Now that does not mean remain in denial, quite the contrary being selfish will spur you forward.

 

I know it is hard, on our 15 th wedding annivasary the D-bomb was dropped on me out of the blue (ROLLERCOASTER). Long story short, I did not want divorce...dug my heals in...he wanted divorce...he could divorce me.

 

Well, several months of NC (my insistance....so ignored his texts) and the promised papers did not arrive....I was tired of being confined to a dead marriage. So filed, for my freedom and sanity; could not spend more time marriaged to a serial cheater whom boldly cared less for me.

 

Yes it hurt then and now, but loving and freeing my OWN-self is better than any crappy freedom he could have planned.

 

Trust me they are cowards, becauses even though they "planned" to leave...it was based on lies and therefore thier lives are worthless built on lies.

 

MsA what I am saying is you deserve to be free of this mess regardless of if he realizes or not how poorly he is treating you. Do you really want to continue to base your ability to be happy on a someone who does not appricate you.

 

You can do it, darling.

 

Take care and be very kind to yourself-Mystery

[revitup]

Good to hear from MsA,

 

Wow you and I both were in the rain.It has rained so much in NC that the farmers are two months behind in the fields! Crop prices are gonna rise more.

 

Yeah,I want me some of that closure stuff! DD15 does too. We ain't gonna get it! Not the way a normal human being gets closure anyway.She would see that as a victory for us and a loss for her.That would never work for a Narcissistic sloth like we have chosen or been seduced by.

 

I drug the "evidence" around as well,showing everyone I knew.I think we do it because we can't believe it ourselves! I thought I could get validation from those I trusted by "proving" my point and showing my side.They already knew! They didn't really need the evidence...I just needed the validation.No more though.I have you guys to "atta boy" me now.

 

MsA, You're in the sunshine state, yet it rains there everyday.Our lives are no different,we see the pretty weather and BAM- rain. You still live in Florida! Gotta love it. You will one day get out of bed and feel so good that it feels guilty. You will wonder where all of the new energy and confidence has been hiding. The future will be so compelling that you hate waiting so long to get to it.

 

It will be as M2M said, a roller coaster of a ride.The more you ride the more you see only sunshine filled days. As for the cheating H- - Once he has been in this cheating thing a while longer.....it will be like a HOT SHOWER...it won't be so hot anymore! I believe with all of my heart,you will be too good and too happy to have him back then.

 

Get that PM machine up and running and I will send some info to you on workouts and nutrition.It'll make you feel better just thinking about making additional healthy changes.

 

You're important.

You matter.

You make a difference.

I have no reason to lie to you.

 

REVITUP

[trippi1432]

LOL!! If it rains anymore in NC, I'm going to build an ark!!

 

It's a heck of a rollercoaster sometimes, but the sooner you can get to that place where you know your life is so much better without your narcissistic other half in it, the better.

 

My exH spent 10 minutes once with my son's therapist. The next time she talked to me, she offered me her condolences for what I put up with for 15 years. Actually, that felt pretty good that someone could read him like that, why I needed that validation, I don't know. But I felt better about me, and that's all I cared about anymore because he no longer mattered.

[vla1120]

You're important.

You matter.

You make a difference.

I have no reason to lie to you.

 

Words to look at everyday as a reminder....

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Mis,

 

Not my story, but someone very very close to me.

 

Husband drops the D bomb out of the blue, goes NC. There was, at minimum, an EA, but that relationship did not progress as she outed it to the husband with her evidence. The AP and husband are reconciling.

 

She is devastated, just like you. So similar.

 

But the husband started making up all kinds of nonsense with some real issues sprinkled in...

 

She won't file because she did not give up in the marriage. She wanted him to do it.

 

Months of mostly NC pass, she hears of dating, drunken partying behavior.

 

She Happens to meet someone she likes and he won't date her until she files for divorce. (Bless his soul) she files...

 

Of course husband starts stalking, calls and tells her he made a mistake...all too late.

 

Divorce was relatively calm and quick.

 

To now, years later, married to that guy, expecting first child, and has stated that it was the best, worst thing that ever happened to her.

 

I wish that for you.

[Misadventure]

I hope one day to no longer care, that would be nice.

 

TY for those important words btw. It's 90% chance of rain today also..

 

I think what you said, that's how I felt..carrying around the "evidence" with me lol. Then I felt like that guy in Crazy, Stupid, Love talking about David Lynnhaugen lol. So I think that put things in perspective.

 

Today so far is a good day.

 

 

Divorce was relatively calm and quick.

 

To now, years later, married to that guy, expecting first child, and has stated that it was the best, worst thing that ever happened to her.

 

I wish that for you.

 

That was an amazing story actually...gives me hope. TY IS, I DO want that. You have no idea how I started thinking that this was my last chance for having a family and its going away. But it's good I don't have kids with this *****head.

 

Mystery, thank you I have been thinking about things. I think I need to start loving myself more than anything else, and focus on just me...I didn't realize how much I didn't spend on me...especially now. You are so strong, I hope to get strong like that.

 

 

You're important.

You matter.

You make a difference.

I have no reason to lie to you.

 

REVITUP

 

 

I am post it noting myself this. Especially for the very down moments.

Edited August 28, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MsOptimist]

The situation that It-is-what-it-is posted about rings very true for me - it very much was the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. When I stepped back from my situation I realized that the person my exH truly was wasn't the kind of person I needed as a life partner.

 

It's very hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel given how fresh you are in your situation, but trust that it's there. It's a process to move through all of this and the light will come eventually.

 

Stay positive and I agree with putting yourself first when making any decisions, big or small. I learned that it had been a really long time since I had done that, and once you shift your thinking to look out for yourself it feels good.

[Steen719]

Ehh...it's not pretty when they beg you back for closure, especially when they are with someone else and do that in the home you shared. I have a thread out there somewhere on that. I did offer to call my exH's "woman" to let him know where he was.

 

I also thought that getting 'under' another guy wold help, well, don't need someone else to validate my worth, I know me. Don't put yourself through that one. My ex did, to his downfall, it ended us. I didn't know someone else existed until he had sex with me to figure out who he wanted...15 years monogamous..my exH made me really see men in a different light. Took a while to trust again....trust is always questionable once the blinders are off.

 

Yes, be careful what you wish for. It is, as Trippi says, not pretty. Awful, really, and sad. Wishing to not care is better and I bet, even so, he will show up again because he will figure out just what he lost.

[revitup]

You are getting there,smiling about anything at first is a victory.The little victories add up.When you get a few victories under the belt,it makes the next battle a little less difficult.

 

You do matter.

 

REVITUP

Edited August 28, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Misadventure]

Grr..I guess its too late to edit, heh its ok.

 

Thank you for emailing, I am hoping can help. I just feel kinda down tonight.

 

I started boxing up things he left behind and even though he has done so much bad.. it hurt.

 

Thank you for reminding me that "I" matter.. I put what you said on a post it for me, makes me feel better.

[Mystery2Me]

MsA you are doing very well moving forward. It may not seem like it but the pain is apart of the process, and in the end if handled properly will allow you arrive at a level of closure even he can not provide.

 

Darling you are in the throws of mourning the death of your marriage and it hurts like hell (becaused you love him), but if you continue to mourn in a healthy way peace awaits you.

 

Now I will not lie even at a year after d-day and newly divorced, the pain still here....BUT dull and does not plague me. Really, I am so much happier to be free from the stress of the energy draining toxic marriage. Yep, got my life back.

 

Finally it's great to re-claim your house, it really helped me to re-decorate/re-arrange things so I was not living in the same marriage home. Also inviting a friend/family member for support while packing can be very helpful. For me I farmed the job out via craigslist because I did not want to deal with the task. Then I gave him a time line (legal opportunity) to come get his sh*t, if not then it would be donated to charity. Well...it was a great day when the charity truck arrived taking items away, and a lovely tax deduction to boot.

 

Hang in there-Mystery

[WreckedDan]

Heya Mis!

 

The part you are in right now was toughest for me. Felt numb at best and side swiped often by bouts of hard emotional downswings. Please keep in mind that even the worst moments are totally normal. This is a death, and you will deal with it the same way you would losing a close family member (believe that, I got to do both sorta back to back). But from this "death" will come rebirth, a more deep and filled out version of who you were before you met your stbx. Seems to me that every step we take in life enriches us to some degree. Some times it can be a joyful event, meeting a new person, celebrating an occasion... and some times it can come from loss. Either way we get some new perspective that makes us who we will be rather than who we were. You will get throigh this, and even when it seems like it's eating you up, it's not... it's just part of the rebuilding of the person you will become. You are on track to become an even more amazing person, believe that!

 

Just my 2©

Dan

[Misadventure]

Next week I am going to do that, change the furniture around. I am thinking of also moving out what clothes he has left to the garage in boxes. Just been kinda sad to do it as I see some of his clothes but I think its time to do so.

 

Another thing... MY CAR (his name on it)....is now in the shop needing bolts/bearings, brakes, and the endthings on the stabilizer....

 

I texted him yesterday about the car..(first time LC since we spoke/yelled last week about his dating profile and him not liking being trashed. Does he care?? NO......nevermind that he left with the marital bank acct and turned off our CC's....So what limited funds I have, I am now using on this.

 

P!SSED!

 

I am pretty sure I will be selling some things from the garage/tools...I need money for the car after all....I am just so mad right now...it's like he is in another world where he is single and never had a house, wife etc and could care less.

 

I feel so bummed atm.

 

Dan, I am so hoping so that this too shall pass and will make me a better person. Some days are better than others. Just like you said just have to go through this and mourn this death.

Edited August 29, 2013 by Misadventure

[Balzac]

L A W Y E R

 

I'm sorry that your strife continues. It's odd that your vehicle suddenly and unexpectedly needs regular repairs. This indicates to me that you weren't keeping up with the regular maintenance. I'm not blaming you, I'm pointing out that if stbexH was handling this domestic responsibility, does he maintain his own vehicle?

 

Despite your illusion of marital bliss in the emotional/sexual zone, more and more I see major cracks in the financial zone. It's definitely enough red flags to investigate thoroughly.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Mis

 

You do realize that if you file he has to give you support? Why are you talking about selling things etc instead of lawyering up?

 

I do not understand your reluctance.

[vla1120]

If you have a lawyer, and an order is filed by your lawyer for spousal support, you won't have to worry about the car, or selling household items. Be Nike and just do it! Your financial woes can only be adding to your stress level. This is all part of TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF! He is not going to do it for you. Waste not another breath. File and you'll be on your way back to the land of the living!

[Balzac]

The other perplexing thing is how you communicated the auto repair info to him. Once again you've put yourself in the victim role.

 

I'm not presuming that went to your favorite dealer. What I do know is that my dealer communicates by means of email AND telephone. The vehicle is titled in your stbrxH's name. You could have had the service manager email both parties the estimated repair document that should include normal maintenance.

Forward the email to your attorney. While it's a fact that stbexH can decline to repair by being a non-responder, the record is established.

Perhaps you don't frequent a dealer. I'd strongly advise that you take your vehicle to a dealer for a thorough mechsnical check. This is for your safety and ability to weigh the decision about investing in the repairs on a vehicle that you'll have to continue to drive or sell. At best a prudent adult would get two estimated diagnostic and cost of repair documents.

 

I'm not objecting to you having communication directly w your stbexH but you weren't fully prepared to present your case.

 

If you don't mind, year and mileage on the vehicle? Have you looked up the book value?

[revitup]

MsA, Hey!

 

That's all just hey

 

REVITUP

[Janesays]

MisA, until you file for divorce and a temporary support order, there is NOTHING I can advise you and you will CONTINUE to victimize yourself. I'm not going to sit around and pat you on the back for doing ultimately meaningless things like getting a mani/pedi or going to the gym. You're not going to AFFORD a gym membership once your ex finally, once and for all, DESTROYS you in court.

 

Brace yourself for the following conversation to happen in court because you wouldn't suck it up and file for divorce....

 

MisA: I need spousal support to survive!

 

EXHubby: We've been split up for (however many months it takes MisA to file for divorce) and I haven't paid her a dime. And look! She's not starving, is she?

 

Judge: Good point, Exhubby. If MisA REALLY needed that money, it wouldn't have taken her MONTHS to ask for it. So she gets NOTHING now.

 

I'm calling it right here and now, MisA, you're going to get screwed. And you'll have no one to blame but yourself because you didn't have the nuts to fight for yourself.

[vla1120]

MsA, Hey!

 

That's all just hey

 

REVITUP

 

Nicest post to MisA, today.

 

Chilax, MisA and just know that people are concerned about you and your well-being. No one but you is living in your skin. No one can really say why we do what we do. I mean, who am I to talk? I stayed for 17 years and buried my head in the sand.

[Misadventure]

Right now he is paying the majority of the bills as they are in his name, car payment is in both but he drives it (Mortgage being the main one, and car payment, car insurance on both). if they looked at what he is paying they would say basically he is paying for me to live in the house..while he is elsewhere, I financially cannot afford it on my own and other expenses at this time.

 

I know you guys care, I am not victimizing myself.. I just don't want to be the one to file..maybe that may change, nothing is set in stone. I may very well change my mind and file. The way I look at it is that it is most likely what he wants...he probably wants me to be the one to file, why should I make it so easy when all he did was throw everything away and be a lying b@s@ard. At the same time, why doesn't he file. No, I am not hoping he will come back, I know it is cemented that he is gone..Myself.. I am just not ready to do it myself. It's still a very big open wound. I have a hard time letting go.

 

Balzac, I don't think he really knew or cared about the condition of the care I drove when he left...

 

TY for saying Hi Rev.

 

Hi to all.. please keep in mind its almost 2 months for me and things are still very fresh and I am adjusting. Some days its very hard for me emotionally, and I know I need to "get with it" legally/financially... at the current moment I am just not ready to be the one to file... if he wants that greener grass etc he should be the one to do it.

 

I went to a mechanic I knew and he gave me a very good deal..I am still mad, yes because we are still legally married and responsible for the other and he really just is pretending like there is no marriage (even if its just legal at this point). I understand some may not agree with what I am doing but we all have to go at our own pace and its not even 2 months yet..for me, this is still very hard.

[Balzac]

Few decisions in adulthood are all good or bad. Your lawyer will explain that to you. Honestly, if his day of departure has halted the joint income clock ...it's to his advantage to pay joint debts and wait. Strategies for the gap between separation and filing are interesting.

 

I hope you misspoke when you said the vehicle is titled in his name but you are on joint debt for thst.

 

The freedom to make your own decisions is what it's all about now.

 

I appreciate your loss. I in no way believe that only well financed people should be parents. What I think when I follow your story is that you're infinitely lucky to have not born a child of his spawn. Your foundation was faux and dangerous.

I hope you are beginning to come out of the misty view.

Thankfully you can begin again.