I walk alone.......

[TaraMaiden]

I am appreciative of Taramaiden's posts.

...snip...

So thank you, Taramaiden, for showing us that through hard work on our part happiness can be achieved, and thank you for your insight and approach for what has worked for you.

OCS

 

You're welcome.

 

I just dont read them. some people are just. ........one of a kind?!!!

You can say that again!

 

you most be her husband right or. a huge fan. hahahah. lol

I think I have one of each.

[anythingbut]

Hi all, thought I'd chime in with my own observations on this debate.

 

Ultimately, Tara's observations are absolutely spot-on - although initially I don't think she approached the thread very tactfully, eg comments such as 'Poetic you may be - realistic you ain't' are extremely patronising - and is not going to do much other than get people to oppose you.

 

However, the essence of what is being said is entirely accurate, as @oldcatskinner (lol does anyone else despise typing these names?!) has pointed out and for me, hit the nail on the head - the majority of people use this website temporarily as they are in pain, and not happy in the moment. We need to learn to be happy in the moment, as the past is gone, and the future does not exist.

 

At light, don't get me wrong, I truly understand how you are feeling right now - I'm going through the same. But for me, if one adopts the principles of what Tara is talking about, this is the true way to find happiness and contentment in life - and, ultimately, true love.

 

Cheers

[TaraMaiden]

Tact has not always been a strong point; there, you're right.

I tend to yap.

 

Work in progress, I guess..... But then, who isn't?

 

Thanks.

 

[Tiger Lily]

L1ght ~

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I know you'll get through this stronger and wiser. You already have a lot of wisdom.

 

And I'll be thinking of you all day, as Boulevard of Broken Dreams is completely stuck in my head.

 

P.S. I love your poetic style!

[BlackGoaty]

Light, one day you might understand what Tara is saying. Maybe you will never understand at all unless you are "enlightened". What she's saying may sound harsh but thats the reality and the truth. People hide behind reasons and the past good memories. But whatever you said of Tara, please do not judge her in that way just because you cannot understand what she's talking about.

 

In fact, she wouldnt need anyone's defense including mine but I just needed to voice my opinion out. I have alot of respect for her and her teachings.

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

Ok guys, gals.

 

I'm going to step in here and leave quietly.

 

TaraMaiden is 1000% correct. Why? Because every hurting human here is listening for what they WANT to hear, Tara gives REALITY.

 

Don't believe me? Oh, let me guess: YOUR now past relationship was DIFFERENT OR MORE SPECIAL beacause of..... Blah blah blah blah blah.....

 

Get real. No matter HOW long it takes you to get past the pain (there is NO formula) you'll come to the same conclusion.

 

Hell, today is my ex's 45th birthday, yep, thought about her - then remembered how she DIDN'T think about mine this year! EIGHT years living together, yet I'm forgotten for her new "whoever!"

 

See TaraMaidens point???

 

It simply does not matter, we put OURSELVES in this pain!

 

TM may not be "warm and cuddley" which is what we sometimes need when we're badly hurting and feel like no one understands our pain, but she's FREAKING HONEST!!!!

 

And once the proverbial smoke clears? Once you all toss your rose colored glasses? You'll see why Tara is RIGHT.

 

Thanks TaraMaiden! Its been over a year now, today is her 45th, I once wished I was going to be there- but "Meh" as she's now someone elses nightmare Lol!!!

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

you most be her husband right or. a huge fan. hahahah. lol

 

 

Yet YOU'RE a fan of jesus? Exactly HOW has the MYTHOLOGICAL "being" helped you with YOUR heartbreak?

 

No thanks, I'll take TaraMaidens advice instead. Sure as F*** saved ME!

 

Thanks TM!

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you BrokenHeartedSaviour.

 

If it just connects with one person, then that's all I could possibly wish for.

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

You're most wecomed Ma'am!

 

Cannot thank you enough, ever, for opening my eyes. Reality is sometimes harsh, yet liberating!

 

They'll learn, eventually.

 

BHS

[L1ght]

People are crazy. On my street I am sandwiched between 2 families that have both lived here between 3-5 years. On one side is a single mum who looks after her 2 young kids alone since the father hasn't been around for about a year I would say and on the other side is a couple with about 4 young kids so naturally they have all gravitated towards each other and built friendships over time.

My oh my how things have changed a little bit since then, so much drama right on my doorstep now. Basically the guy from the couple has been caught sleeping with the single mum and now they spend all their time together while his wife/girlfriend is left 2 doors away having to suffer such a humiliating betrayal literally right on her doorstep.....the whole street is talking about it while the culprits have totally alienated themselves from seemingly everybody. Last night they were basically stood outside arguing with a bunch of my neighbours who openly called them disgusting and shameful to act in such a way.(people are so nosey now and everybody needs to know everyone elses business.....its kinda like a group mentality where people are joining together to name and shame and point and stare....ugh I'm so glad I have kept completely out of all of this and have chosen not to get involved at all). Things are getting very heated round here and I have no clue how this is gonna play out.

This is what I'm talking about.....relationships bring so much extra drama and strain into our lives which nobody can predict especially when we are putting faith into another human being. I'm not saying everybody cheats but my point is that nobody is perfect and often there comes a point where we have a conflict of interests with our partners no matter what it is and this is where the real tests and pressures come from which will either make or break the relationship. Oh and by the way there is no definitive one test, you don't just get past one issue then you are completely in the clear. No it doesn't work like that. The tests are infinite and will always come around to see how much faith people still have in a relationship. No amount of mediation can solve relationship issues. That's nonsense. Meditation is a top notch way for an individual to solve and address their own personal issues the same way exercise or studying improves a persons state of mind.

The best approach to a serious relationship is to be aware that there will absolutely 100% be times where we don't have the control we want so we just have to ride things out as best we can. That's what its all about....riding the waves cos they will definitely always be coming.

[L1ght]

L1ght ~

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I know you'll get through this stronger and wiser. You already have a lot of wisdom.

 

And I'll be thinking of you all day, as Boulevard of Broken Dreams is completely stuck in my head.

 

P.S. I love your poetic style!

Thanks for your warm response. It made me smile to know that someone would be thinking about what I said enough that a song would be stuck in their head all day. I remember hearing that song back in the day but never really listened to the lyrics till now. Yeah you're right....that song pretty much sums up that emptiness on the horizon. You nailed it. Good job

[TaraMaiden]

Perfect illustration of "Lighthouse mentality...."

 

 

People are crazy. On my street I am sandwiched between 2 families that have both lived here between 3-5 years. On one side is a single mum who looks after her 2 young kids alone since the father hasn't been around for about a year I would say and on the other side is a couple with about 4 young kids so naturally they have all gravitated towards each other and built friendships over time.

My oh my how things have changed a little bit since then, so much drama right on my doorstep now. Basically the guy from the couple has been caught sleeping with the single mum and now they spend all their time together while his wife/girlfriend is left 2 doors away having to suffer such a humiliating betrayal literally right on her doorstep.....the whole street is talking about it while the culprits have totally alienated themselves from seemingly everybody. Last night they were basically stood outside arguing with a bunch of my neighbours who openly called them disgusting and shameful to act in such a way.(people are so nosey now and everybody needs to know everyone elses business.....its kinda like a group mentality where people are joining together to name and shame and point and stare....ugh I'm so glad I have kept completely out of all of this and have chosen not to get involved at all). Things are getting very heated round here and I have no clue how this is gonna play out.

This is what I'm talking about.....relationships bring so much extra drama and strain into our lives which nobody can predict especially when we are putting faith into another human being. I'm not saying everybody cheats but my point is that nobody is perfect and often there comes a point where we have a conflict of interests with our partners no matter what it is and this is where the real tests and pressures come from which will either make or break the relationship. Oh and by the way there is no definitive one test, you don't just get past one issue then you are completely in the clear. No it doesn't work like that. The tests are infinite and will always come around to see how much faith people still have in a relationship. No amount of mediation can solve relationship issues. That's nonsense. Meditation is a top notch way for an individual to solve and address their own personal issues the same way exercise or studying improves a persons state of mind.

The best approach to a serious relationship is to be aware that there will absolutely 100% be times where we don't have the control we want so we just have to ride things out as best we can. That's what its all about....riding the waves cos they will definitely always be coming.

[L1ght]

Perfect illustration of "Lighthouse mentality...."

 

.............huh?

[L1ght]

Lighthouse mentality doesn't work when you are living and breathing intimately with another human being.

[TaraMaiden]

Of course it does! That's when it's at its most effective!

[L1ght]

"No amount of meditation* can solve relationship issues"

Sure they can fix an individuals state of mind but what about the mind of your partner? Partners are an outside influence that we can not control...a variable we have to react to along the way.

[L1ght]

Of course it does! That's when it's at its most effective!

Nonsense. Lighthouse mentality the way you describe it works when we are with somebody we don't even really care about.....to act in such a robotic way is easy when we don't care about the direction of the relationship so we are willing to take risks that could jeopardize everything.

Like it or not but in serious relationship we have to make compromises that test our inner core but also prove how serious we are about moving forwards. Its tough but we really do have to show a vulnerable side with the person we love.....that's why being a lighthouse just aint realistic at all

[esteem-jam]

I think Tara and co are trying to say this.

 

It is not things and circumstances that make us sad, but our beliefs about things and circumstances that make us sad, or happy. Dan Gilbert: The surprising science of happiness | Video on TED.com

 

For example. If you believe that surfing is the best thing is the world, then it will be. If you believe that hiking is the best thing it the world, then it will be. If you believe that riding a camel is the best thing in the world, then it will be. If you believe that being overweight is the best thing in the world, then it will be.

Why camel example? Look at them arabs, the more camels, the higher your status. Why overweight example? Fat chicks in africa are the best brides, cause they believe they will make good babies. And in the picture you usually will see a skinny man and his fat trophy

 

If you believe that being fat is whack, then it will be. If you believe that being dumped is whack, then it will be.

You could probably make a million examples.

And you can test yourself, take a thing and ask yourself: how do I feel about it?

 

There are things that make me uneasy, and I cant solve them all, or figure the roots. But this is the approach I think, and thats what people are trying to say here, I think.

[L1ght]

I think Tara and co are trying to say this.

 

It is not things and circumstances that make us sad, but our beliefs about things and circumstances that make us sad, or happy. Dan Gilbert: The surprising science of happiness | Video on TED.com

 

For example. If you believe that surfing is the best thing is the world, then it will be. If you believe that hiking is the best thing it the world, then it will be. If you believe that riding a camel is the best thing in the world, then it will be. If you believe that being overweight is the best thing in the world, then it will be.

Why camel example? Look at them arabs, the more camels, the higher your status. Why overweight example? Fat chicks in africa are the best brides, cause they believe they will make good babies. And in the picture you usually will see a skinny man and his fat trophy

 

If you believe that being fat is whack, then it will be. If you believe that being dumped is whack, then it will be.

You could probably make a million examples.

And you can test yourself, take a thing and ask yourself: how do I feel about it?

 

There are things that make me uneasy, and I cant solve them all, or figure the roots. But this is the approach I think, and thats what people are trying to say here, I think.

I exercise, I read and study. These things do for me what Buddhism does for Tara. They make me the best possible me I can be. A lover is another human being that has a mind of their own.....I can't predict or control that and once I become close to that person I have to deal with what they deal with too.

Come on now people, stop pretending its easy to keep things together when we are dealing with serious relationship issues with another human being. Its never easy and we really do have to ride the emotional waves as we work to move forwards in the relationship. The truth is that all serious couples fight and most relationships/marriages fail.

Well done to the people who have actually managed to keep the love alive despite all this.

[anythingbut]

@light

 

I completely understand and empathise with your life situation, as I have mentioned I am having a real tough time dealing with my own.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/412803-completely-cut-off-after-6-years

 

I recognise what you are saying - that we can never be in control of the mindset of others and the behaviours of others. Of course not, and in this regard we leave ourselves open to the possibility of pain.

 

The point being, in entering into relationships WE leave ourselves open to the possibility of being hurt by the actions of others.

 

Why do we feel pain/anger/displeasure at an emotional level? It is our human response to our needs not being met - our subconscious way of dealing with the fact that things are going as we would like them to, and is therefore at odds with our ego. Our ego of course is something which is completely mind-made, it is how we perceive ourselves based on past experiences and a superficial identity that things such as social status, salary and physical appearance give us.

 

Most people live their lives through their ego, and so whenever any unpleasant circumstances arise in their lives, they take it personally as, on a subconscious level we see it as an attack on who we are and our personal expectations of how the world/environment should be.

 

The trick is (and this is much easier said than done my friend) is to try to become conscious that it is your ego and mind-made self making you feel unhappy; and in order to move on into a happier state you need to become aware of this.

 

What happened in the past cannot hurt us. This girl, she cannot hurt you. Why? Because she is in the past my friend, and the past has already happened. Scared of the future? Why be scared of the future, the future hasn't happened and therefore doesn't exist.

 

The only thing that can hurt you, the only place where you experience pain, is in the here and now. Ask yourself as you are reading this, what is wrong right now? Is there anything making me feel in pain right now? Unless you are in the process of being physically attacked, then my guess would be no-there is nothing wrong with the moment you are in now. Apart from MEMORIES of the past, and PROJECTIONS of the future - which are all entirely made up by your mind.

 

And therefore, as Tara pointed out - as these unpleasant feelings and thoughts are being made by your self, YOU are in control of them. The answer to your pain, therefore, lies at your own fingertips. You just haven't realised this yet as you can't see the wood for the trees.

 

You have three choices with your life situation:

 

1) Continue to believe that the answer lies within the behaviours of others and therefore prolong your feelings of pain and unhappiness

 

2) Recognise that the feelings are unpleasant, and remove yourself from the situation through whatever means you think are acceptable given your means

 

3) Accept that what has happened has happened. Confront it by KNOWING that the situation is an unpleasant one, and there is nothing that can be done other than accepting it. Instead of thinking 'I am unhappy', think 'I have unhappiness inside me, why is this and how can I remove it'

 

Like you, I have also immersed myself in exercise, and a whole bunch of other activities which make me feel great. Keep them up as they obviously help, and I hope you continue to make progress through this situation.

 

What I have written of above is not easy to put into practice, and is very much an ongoing work in progress for me, but I promise if you can even begin to adopt even a tiny bit of this mindset, it will help you along the rocky road to regaining your happiness

 

Cheers

[JourneyLady]

Ok guys, gals.

 

I'm going to step in here and leave quietly.

 

TaraMaiden is 1000% correct. Why? Because every hurting human here is listening for what they WANT to hear, Tara gives REALITY.

 

Don't believe me? Oh, let me guess: YOUR now past relationship was DIFFERENT OR MORE SPECIAL beacause of..... Blah blah blah blah blah.....

 

Get real. No matter HOW long it takes you to get past the pain (there is NO formula) you'll come to the same conclusion.

 

Hell, today is my ex's 45th birthday, yep, thought about her - then remembered how she DIDN'T think about mine this year! EIGHT years living together, yet I'm forgotten for her new "whoever!"

 

See TaraMaidens point???

 

It simply does not matter, we put OURSELVES in this pain!

 

TM may not be "warm and cuddley" which is what we sometimes need when we're badly hurting and feel like no one understands our pain, but she's FREAKING HONEST!!!!

 

And once the proverbial smoke clears? Once you all toss your rose colored glasses? You'll see why Tara is RIGHT.

 

Thanks TaraMaiden! Its been over a year now, today is her 45th, I once wished I was going to be there- but "Meh" as she's now someone elses nightmare Lol!!!

 

It brings up a thought as to what is compassion and where is it's place in healing. In order to heal, a person has to be ready to heal in their heart and soul. You can't force it on them. You can cause resistance by refusing them compassionate listening.

 

The song that keeps repeating on here.

 

"I'm hurt".

"Then Get over it."

"But I'm hurt (or completely changed or whatever)."

and this gets repeated ad infinitum....

 

It does nothing but cause more resistance.

 

But what about

"I'm hurt."

"I'm sorry - I've been there too. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you."

(relief) "Ok... how did you get through it?" (or details on how they plan on getting through it)

and there is where healing begins. You have to accept the pain in order to get past it.

 

Some people just need to vent in order to start to heal. The venting takes as long as need be until that person is ready to go on with their lives. I am of the opinion that letting them go on until they are ready is the right thing to do and is compassionate listening.

 

For my part, folks, I may mention my past heartaches in passing, but I vent elsewhere - publicly, but in a private space. My compassionate friends sometimes hear me venting just a tiny bit, but their singsong of "You deserve better" guides me along toward healing. That is, what I believe, friends are for.

 

I think how hard it is to heal depends on how much of you was completely surrendered to the other. (My evidence is how much harder it has been to get over the 5 year ex-bf than divorce after 30 years was. I surrendered more of myself to the 2nd.)

 

You can think yourself compassionate by trying to force someone to heal (not accepting their venting, and/or rejecting it) but really that's a means of wanting to control what you don't want to hear. You don't want to see people in pain anymore.

 

Love changes everything - even when it doesn't work out. The deeper the surrender to it, the more things that have to heal when it's over. Love is energy we become disconnected from when not connected to the "other". Yes, eventually there may be another, but in the meantime we have a fight ahead to connect ourselves to it without the "other" in our lives. It's never an easy road and you can't "just do it". Because if if it's that easy, you miss something in the process.

Edited August 9, 2013 by JourneyLady
meaning

[L1ght]

@light

 

I completely understand and empathise with your life situation, as I have mentioned I am having a real tough time dealing with my own.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/412803-completely-cut-off-after-6-years

 

I recognise what you are saying - that we can never be in control of the mindset of others and the behaviours of others. Of course not, and in this regard we leave ourselves open to the possibility of pain.

 

The point being, in entering into relationships WE leave ourselves open to the possibility of being hurt by the actions of others.

 

Why do we feel pain/anger/displeasure at an emotional level? It is our human response to our needs not being met - our subconscious way of dealing with the fact that things are going as we would like them to, and is therefore at odds with our ego. Our ego of course is something which is completely mind-made, it is how we perceive ourselves based on past experiences and a superficial identity that things such as social status, salary and physical appearance give us.

 

Most people live their lives through their ego, and so whenever any unpleasant circumstances arise in their lives, they take it personally as, on a subconscious level we see it as an attack on who we are and our personal expectations of how the world/environment should be.

 

The trick is (and this is much easier said than done my friend) is to try to become conscious that it is your ego and mind-made self making you feel unhappy; and in order to move on into a happier state you need to become aware of this.

 

What happened in the past cannot hurt us. This girl, she cannot hurt you. Why? Because she is in the past my friend, and the past has already happened. Scared of the future? Why be scared of the future, the future hasn't happened and therefore doesn't exist.

 

The only thing that can hurt you, the only place where you experience pain, is in the here and now. Ask yourself as you are reading this, what is wrong right now? Is there anything making me feel in pain right now? Unless you are in the process of being physically attacked, then my guess would be no-there is nothing wrong with the moment you are in now. Apart from MEMORIES of the past, and PROJECTIONS of the future - which are all entirely made up by your mind.

 

And therefore, as Tara pointed out - as these unpleasant feelings and thoughts are being made by your self, YOU are in control of them. The answer to your pain, therefore, lies at your own fingertips. You just haven't realised this yet as you can't see the wood for the trees.

 

You have three choices with your life situation:

 

1) Continue to believe that the answer lies within the behaviours of others and therefore prolong your feelings of pain and unhappiness

 

2) Recognise that the feelings are unpleasant, and remove yourself from the situation through whatever means you think are acceptable given your means

 

3) Accept that what has happened has happened. Confront it by KNOWING that the situation is an unpleasant one, and there is nothing that can be done other than accepting it. Instead of thinking 'I am unhappy', think 'I have unhappiness inside me, why is this and how can I remove it'

 

Like you, I have also immersed myself in exercise, and a whole bunch of other activities which make me feel great. Keep them up as they obviously help, and I hope you continue to make progress through this situation.

 

What I have written of above is not easy to put into practice, and is very much an ongoing work in progress for me, but I promise if you can even begin to adopt even a tiny bit of this mindset, it will help you along the rocky road to regaining your happiness

 

Cheers

Oh.....maybe I should have been more clear what I was talking about. At this point I'm talking about dealing with relationship issues in when a person is actually in a relationship.....I'm not talking about dealing with a break-up. So yeah basically everything you said was correct about the fact we can not control our partners mind or emotions when we are with them and that's pretty much why relationships are extremely complex and never easy.

As far as my ex is concerned? I just realise that every relationship moving forward will ultimately end up being a rollercoaster ride that I can never act like a "lighthouse" in because I have real feelings and emotions that will be activated any time I have to deal my partners feelings and emotions.

[L1ght]

It brings up a thought as to what is compassion and where is it's place in healing. In order to heal, a person has to be ready to heal in their heart and soul. You can't force it on them. You can cause resistance by refusing them compassionate listening.

 

The song that keeps repeating on here.

 

"I'm hurt".

"Then Get over it."

"But I'm hurt (or completely changed or whatever)."

and this gets repeated ad infinitum....

 

It does nothing but cause more resistance.

 

But what about

"I'm hurt."

"I'm sorry - I've been there too. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you."

(relief) "Ok... how did you get through it?" (or details on how they plan on getting through it)

and there is where healing begins. You have to accept the pain in order to get past it.

 

Some people just need to vent in order to start to heal. The venting takes as long as need be until that person is ready to go on with their lives. I am of the opinion that letting them go on until they are ready is the right thing to do and is compassionate listening.

 

For my part, folks, I may mention my past heartaches in passing, but I vent elsewhere - publicly, but in a private space. My compassionate friends sometimes hear me venting just a tiny bit, but their singsong of "You deserve better" guides me along toward healing. That is, what I believe, friends are for.

 

I think how hard it is to heal depends on how much of you was completely surrendered to the other. (My evidence is how much harder it has been to get over the 5 year ex-bf than divorce after 30 years was. I surrendered more of myself to the 2nd.)

 

You can think yourself compassionate by trying to force someone to heal (not accepting their venting, and/or rejecting it) but really that's a means of wanting to control what you don't want to hear. You don't want to see people in pain anymore.

 

Love changes everything - even when it doesn't work out. The deeper the surrender to it, the more things that have to heal when it's over. Love is energy we become disconnected from when not connected to the "other". Yes, eventually there may be another, but in the meantime we have a fight ahead to connect ourselves to it without the "other" in our lives. It's never an easy road and you can't "just do it". Because if if it's that easy, you miss something in the process.

Surrender. Exactly. Love only happens when people leave themselves vulnerable and surrender. A deep surrender equates to a deep wound when its over.

[TaraMaiden]

you are so bitter and you just did not even understand such a small post.

dont disrespect me! watch what you say. and you clearly dont know what you are talking about.

 

This is what is known as the pot calling the kettle black.....

[TaraMaiden]

Nonsense. Lighthouse mentality the way you describe it works when we are with somebody we don't even really care about.....to act in such a robotic way is easy when we don't care about the direction of the relationship so we are willing to take risks that could jeopardize everything.

Like it or not but in serious relationship we have to make compromises that test our inner core but also prove how serious we are about moving forwards. Its tough but we really do have to show a vulnerable side with the person we love.....that's why being a lighthouse just aint realistic at all

 

You STILL don't get it, do you?

 

Why do you insist on stating that being Like a lighthouse makes you robotic? (you're the only onbe who does, by the way....)

 

You fail to understand the simile.

A lighthouse is in the very thick of things.

it is when things get more agitated, stormy and upheaval is at its worst, that the lighthouse really comes into its own, and is more alive and 'unrobotic' than ever....

 

 

What is it about this you don't get?

Others have got it, I'm puzzled as to why you fail to see the blinding logic....