completely cut off after 6 years

[anythingbut]

Hi all,

 

I'n new to this website. I stumbled across it through google. See, I have been trying desperately to make sense of what has happened in my life this year, so (and I'm sure a lot of you will relate to this!) I've been on google loads trying to find answers to my questions. Some obvious searches that I've undertaken:

 

1. Does the dumper ever regret?
   
2. How long should I maintain no contact
   
3. How does it feel to be the dumper
   

...and countless amount of other searches!!

 

Anyway, it has been 5 months since my girlfriend left me, and what I'm going to do now is tell you all exactly what happened, and how I have dealt with it. I would love to get you thoughts and feedback on what I write: general opinions on the situation, whether or not you think I have handled it correctly or not, your thoughts on why she has done what she's done, the perspective of fellow dumpees and also any dumpers if you are there. In fact, I am fascinated by the opinions of dumpers, and this is the whole reason I have ended up here in the first place, thanks to this outstanding thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/331278-they-ll-probably-never-stop-loving-you-4.html

 

I'm going to give you this information as honestly as I can, because I genuinely want you guys to have all the facts.

 

So here goes. At the beginning of March I was in a perfectly healthy 6 year relationship. We had always been a remarkably close couple; very affectionate and also the best of friends. My partner and I met when she was 18, I was 25 - so 7 year age difference. Having met, we rented our first place together 7 months later, and stayed living together for the duration of the relationship - right until the end (obviously we moved amongst houses/flats during the 6 years).

 

I encouraged my partner to pursue a career in health and social care, and in the end she got a place on a mental health nursing degree. I run a business (health and social care related) and we planned to start a family and buy a house together. For the first two years of her course I supported her financially - however it was a struggle and money was such an issue that we were rarely able to afford to do things that couples do together - go out for food, holidays etc

 

As a couple renting, we found it really difficult to save money for a mortgage, so in March 2012 we decided to move in with her parents so that we could really start saving some money together. The move was great as not only could we now save money, we were then also able to have enough spare to go holiday together, and do more things as a couple.

 

As I said earlier, we never had any significant problems in the relationship. If I'm honest, the main point of contention between us was that I wanted sex more often than she did - I had a higher sex drive, and would often get frustrated when my advances were met with 'nah not tonight darling, I'm tired...'. So yes, we would have disagreements over this, but very rarely anything serious, or anything that wasn't resolved with a kiss and a cuddle.

 

March 2012-March 2013 at her parents house was a great year all in all; as I said, we had lots of options available to us due to not having to pay rent, and life was good. I started to get really into my health and fitness during this period also, and this made me feel extra happy as I started to feel more confident about myself.

 

However, my partner wasn't so enthusiastic about my new health and fitness regime, as I started to spend more and more time at the gym outside of work, and less time hanging out with her and spending wuality time together. By January of this year, it started to cause disagreements between us as she was saying that I was doing too much and wantedto spend more time with me, and my side of the story was that it was making me happy, so why did she want me to cut back on it?

 

At around the same time (january/February this year, 2013) she also started working on her dissertation and this required her to spend a lot of time at the library with her fellow nurse students. So for the first time in the whole 6 years of our relationship, we really were like ships passing in the night during this time - if I'm honest, yes a bit of distance crept in to the relationship. However, as far as I was concerned, we were both committed to the same goal of starting a family and getting our own place. Plus, we loved each other and frequently told each other so, and in the time that we did see other we continued to be affectionate to each other. All was normal in my eyes.

 

I'll stop here at this point and just ask a question which has haunted me ever since she left me: I know guys think completely differently to women, and I honestly cannot see anything wrong with our relationship up until this point. However, I've got a nagging feeling that I may have not been reading signs that she was unhappy during this period. What are your thoughts? I mean, I know she voiced concerns about us not spending enough time together because of my health and fitness pursuits. Girls (or boys), was this a cry for help that I didn't understand as a guy?

 

Anyway, fast forward to the end of Feb/beginning of March. She finally finished her dissertation and was soooo stressed out with the amount of work she had out in, she honestly seemed like a different person to be around. She hadn't been sleeping properly, and was visibly exhausted (she was also working part time as a carer whilst all this was going on) and drained. Literally the day after she submitted her dissertation, she became ill with a urinary tract infection, and also developed several coldsores on her lips - which always happened when she was really stressed out. Obviously this made things worse, and just mad her feel even worse about herself.

 

To top it off, she then had to go straight into a new job placement the next day with her mental health degree, which she would have to do in an exhausted/unwell state.

 

Now, I've spent time reflecting on this particular week time and time again. This was the last week we were together. I was supportive of her, and completely sympathised with her. I told her I loved her as per usual, but I also feel I could have been more supportive (practically) of her on this particular week - eg I could have not gone to the gym and done things like make sure I was at home when she finished her placement and made her a nice meal and run her a bath etc ...You know, just generally be a better boyfriend to her. I didn't do this, though - and my god have I beaten myself up over it. That's the thing though, I think us dumpees are so desperate to find reasons as to why someone has left us, that we will think of anything to blame ourselves for just so we can have some 'proper explanations' as to why we have been left.

 

Anyway, fast forward to the end of the above week. It was a friday night, and she was feeling run down, and she had been notably distant with me all week. I had put this down to the fact that she had been stressed out, but in hindsight I think there was more wrong and I just couldn't see it.

 

We went went to bed, turned the light out and she turned her back on me to go to sleep. That was really unusual behaviour for her, and after a week of distance between us I decided to challenge her over it. We had a debate over the situation, and it ended up with me saying that I was worried I wasn't making her happy and that I didn't want to hold her back in any way'. You see, compared to me (i wear my heart of my sleeve) she was never a very emotional person, so sometimes I had to say things like the above to get her to open up and to validate her feelings for me. On this ocassioon, as hoped, she told me not to be silly and told me she loved me. We ended up going to sleep with a kiss and a cuddle after that, as per usual.

 

What happened next, though, completely blew me out of the water. When we woke up in the morning she went to have a bath straight away and was gone a while. When she came back in the room she was cold as ice - to the point where it felt like I was in the presence of a complete and utter stranger.

 

She told me that she wanted space. That she had been thinking about what we discussed the night before, and that she needed time along to think about it. She said she was going to stay with a friend, but in a huff I said don't bother, packed some stuff and off I went to my friends house to drown my sorrows. We very rarely argued, so at this point I was just annoyed more than anything - I never thought it was going to be more than just a bit of a sulk on her part.

 

One night at my friend's house, and I woke up and phoned her straight away. She answered and sounded upset and confused. I said I was sorry, and said we should meet up to discuss the problems. However, she just flatly refused, saying 'no, not this time'. Her response sent shivers down my spine ad for the first time I actually started to panic that this was actually serious.

 

Having got nowhere on the phone, I then decided to give it a couple of hours to let her calm down, then I texted her to say 'come on let's sort this out'. Her response: 'not this time, it's over'.

 

Guys, I',m sure you've all been there, but you know that moment where you realise that your future, your past and your present is about to vanish before your very eyes? That feeling, that gut-wrenching sickness that is a mixture of pain and terror? Well I had it right there when I read that text message.

 

Like most people do, I panicked and immediately started to beg her not to do this - don't waste everything we've got, don't leave me, don't do this, please, I'll do anything, please don't do this to me. Desperately pleading as you realise you're about to lose the most precious thing in your life. Begging them, through a mixture of tears and terrified voice, to reconsider.

 

No, she didn't want to know. And of course, my begging and pleading was doing nothing but scaring her - this wasn't the me she knew, in fact she didn't even know this side of me existed. I had always been so secure in our love, that I never once doubted we wouldn't spend the rest of our lives together.

 

So, after 6 years guys, at this point she decided to cut me loose.

 

A couple of days went by and I would be desperately checking my phone for text messages and missed calls - but nothing.

 

This sudden coldness and lack of caring toward me felt so unreal, and it was hurting me so badly. I couldn't eat a thing, nor could I thing about anything else. I couldn't go to work, and instead spent that first week driving around sat in my car staring at nothing like a complete and utter madman.

 

After 10 days, the pain and frustration of not having any contact at all forced me to try to take a bit of control back. It was killing me so much that she wasn't even texting me to see how I was, I decided that I could take that pain away by changing my number - at least then I wouldn't have the option of sitting there wondering if she had text me or not. By changing my number, she wouldn't have the option, and I wouldn't know if she had tried - this not knowing was far better that the constant pain of knowing that she hadn't bothered to get in touch. It was my way of getting some control back.

 

Just before I changed my number, I sent her a text message telling her what I was about to do. In the text message I said that I was doing it out of respect for her, as I wanted to give her space and that it was killing me sitting around waiting for her to call or text. I also said that I would always love her unconditionally, and because of this I would always want her to be happy - even if this was without me.

 

I then changed my number, and went into no-contact for 10 weeks.

 

Guys, these first 10 weeks were unbelievable. I literally did everything I could do try to mask the pain and move on. I upped my gym sessions to x 8 per week, I started going out drinking with my mates. I also signed up for eharmony and plenty of fish and started dating other girls. It did a little bit to help ease the pain, but she was always there in the back of my mind - and she just wouldn't go away. I did everything I possibly could to not be alone, but inevitably there were times when I was, and these were some dark hours. The dating? The dating just didn't work as I was meeting up with these girls and just sitting there comparing them to my ex, and none of them could even come close.

 

After 10 weeks I decided enough was enough. The question that kept biting me so hard literally every minute was 'how can she just cut me off like this? how can I mean so little to her? six years and then suddenly nothing?'

 

By the way, I forgot to mention, when she decided to split, I was left with our dog - a 5 year old alsatian. We both loved this dog dearly, but I was left with him and all of the responsibility that comes with owning a large dog. In fact, it has been an almost crippling responsibility for me - I have had to take into work with me every day for the last 5 months, take him for walks three times a day, with no one to help me. My god it has been so hard, but I have not given up once on my responsibility.

 

Anyway, after 10 weeks I decided to reach out to her. I was sat in my office, it was a thursday, and after a day of constantly battling to stay strong in front of my staff - trying to pretend like my whole world wasn't just a bomb site, when everyone left the office, I just sat there and cried for about an hour.I missed her so much it was unreal, literally unreal.

 

I sent her an email, which my best friends berated me for (as I had broken the no-contact rule) simply saying 'I miss you, I miss you more than words could even begin to describe'.

 

Having sent this, I felt an incredible sense of relief. I wanted her to know that I wasn't angry with her at all. In fact, if I'm honest I've not gone through the usual feelings of anger that one encounters when going through a break up. Because it was all so sudden - here one day, gone the next, it feels more like a bereavement I'm dealing with.

 

So I sent her this email, and felt great afterwards. But within a couple of days I started to feel super low again, and the fact that she hadn't replied to my email hurt me. If I'm honest, I just wanted some kind of ackowledgement that I mattered to her, that she knew I existed and was a person with feelings. The same person that had devoted his life to her for the last 6 years, had loved and cared for her unconditionally. But nothing, not even an email to ask how our dog was. It hurt.

 

But still, I carried on going, pretending every day at work that all is okay, spending my weekends drinking heavily, trying everything I possibly could to avoid having to confront my loneliness and fight off the depression.

 

It was just a matter of time though guys, and as I entered into month 4 I got hit with the most unbelievable depression I have ever experienced.It has crippled me. I was hoping that things would get better over time, but fome some unknown reason, at month 4 the depression kicked in, and I literally have had the worst 4 weeks ever. Not sure if any of you will be able to relate to this, but just had this constant feeling of doom and gloom: nothing will ever get better. Thoughts such as: 'It's been 4/5 months, now things are worse than they've ever been. She's probably really happy by now. She's doing a job she loves, whereas I am stuck with a company that I only started up to give us and the famil we planned together some security. I am stuck with our dog and can't go anywhere because I will not give up on him, whilst she can go anywhere in the world she chooses'

 

Midway through month 4 I also gave in and sent her another email. After a funeral of a family member, I came out and could think of no-one but my ex. I just felt this overwhelming need to tell her I loved her and that I would always be there for her - so that's exactly what I did. I came into work and typed out an email to her that basically reiterated that I missed her and loved her deeply - that I would be there for her in a heartbeat if ever she needed me.

 

Of course, I had no response at all to this needless to say... and to be honest, it hurts.

 

It's so painful this feeling that she is capable of cutting me out of her life so suddenly and without any real explanations after SIX YEARS. It's crazy, and it's left my life completely destroyed.

 

Anyway, I've been as a candid and open as I possibly could during the above, and I apologise in advance for the War and Peace style length. I just wanted to be as honest as I've ever been in attempt to get more opinions on the situation. I would love for someone to give me the answer as to why/ how she has been able to do this.

 

Any constructive opinions on any aspect of the above will be most gratefully received. In particular, any of you who have done this to someone else and the reasons why, or if any of you have been the victim of such behaviour after a long term relationship. Is it normal to experience such depression 4/5 months after your partner leaves you, and indeed is it normal for things to continue to get worse before they get better?

 

Thanks all x

[Emilia]

Your depression is normal yes, it can hit you any time.

 

It sounds like the two of you drifted apart steadily, she was 18 when you started the relationship, people change a huge amount in their 20s. I think she steadily checked out and one day she was done.

 

It sounds like she realised it wasn't the life she wanted.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I've been left less than two weeks ago after six years. I relate so much to what you say - the loss of future, the loss of past, the feeling you are stuck doing stuff you were doing as a compromise to be with them, and now you have a lot of work to do in order to to just keep going, and that you're stuck with all the "cleaning up". Even down to the breakup coming after a stressful work time, so you feel cheated because you were good enough to keep around when support was needed!

 

I'm sorry to hear it's gotten really tough again. I do firmly believe that it will get better for me at some point, and it will for you too. I don't really know how, but I think it will be out of accepting that she's not taken those 6 years away from you. She's just decided she won't be in the next few. Worse for her, no?

[stillafool]

I have to agree with Emilia. The fact that she didn't really want to have sex very often with you is somewhat telling also. I think she had been thinking about the plans the two of you made to marry, etc. She more than likely would like to date others and be on her own before she settles down with one person because she is so young. If she were your age she might be somewhat ready (or getting ready) to settle down. I think you need to let it go now and began your process of healing. You are not getting back together.

[Leigh 87]

I know it is totally crazy how you can become so incredibly close to another person, only for them to just ignore you and cut you off.

 

It happens. Never to me, personally, yet I have hears stories similar to this all to often. Albeit with unique details and stories behind it! The end result is the same though: a person you were truly close to for years just cuts you off. That part is universal and happens every day.

 

I can't help you, but I do want to let you know how bizarre it is to go from being that close to a person, to ..... well, not. It is a huge life event to process. I hope you know that you depressive state surrounding this matter is normal and there is nothing to be ashamed of about it.

 

It looks like you're actually doing all the right things! Fitness helps, a lot! Imagine all that energy you put into being active, being left over as energy for you to use to stew over this. Trust me, exercise helps! I wish I had done it more during my break up...

 

Dating so soon was obviously a mistake, and a distraction at best! Even a really beautiful and cute girl who you would normally be into, probably would not do it for you at this stage.

 

Please stay strong. It must have seemed unbelievable that she left, especially in the fashion she did leave in......

 

Now is time to keep working at the gym, and perhaps consider some therapy? With a professional who seals with grief and loss.

 

I wish you the best of luck! Just think of the millions of people who lose loved ones, and who go on to marry and find people they love just as much, if not more!

 

The only thing I can recommend is to take each day at a time! Each day spent well and not dwelling too much over her, and investing you energy in the right things, is another day towards being over her.

 

Best of luck man. This must suck!

[anythingbut]

Thankyou all for your responses so far. @leigh yes the fitness has been my saving grace buddy, don't know what i would have done without it.

 

@still a fool - thanks for your comments. I was expecting someone to mention the sex issue and it being a warning sign. However, right from pretty much day one she had a low sex drive, and for some reason mine only seemed to increase throughout the 6 years. So it was more if an ongoing issue throughout the relationship than anything else.

 

@emilia - thankyou. Yes a few people have pointed out to me about people changing in their twenties. Sucks to be on the receiving end of this obviously, but it still doesn't explain how she has no violently been able to cut me out. Do you think the nature if our break up, ir the fact that she has suddenly cut me iff completely, is down to feelings if intense guilt that she has never experienced before and theeefore doesn't know how to handle??? Woyld be interesting to get people's thoughts on this.

 

I understand depressiin to be natural in such curcumstances, but for it ti be getting so bad 5 months in is so frustrating - you expect things to get easier rather than harder

[Emilia]

@emilia - thankyou. Yes a few people have pointed out to me about people changing in their twenties. Sucks to be on the receiving end of this obviously, but it still doesn't explain how she has no violently been able to cut me out. Do you think the nature if our break up, ir the fact that she has suddenly cut me iff completely, is down to feelings if intense guilt that she has never experienced before and theeefore doesn't know how to handle??? Woyld be interesting to get people's thoughts on this.

I think she gradually checked out. Whatever the issue was around the time you started working out and being away from home more, maybe started drifting apart then and unfortunately it didn't get fixed. Then when she was finished, she called it a day.

[GB25]

wow after 6 years she just completely cut you off cold turkey? That is something that I will never understand...how the heck can someone just fall off the face of the earth after 6 years of living and being with someone that meant everything to you?? How??

 

Just reading your post sent chills down my spine and I am so so sorry this is happening to you..sounds like a nightmare and this girl sounds cold as ice. Not even a reply to any email..just pure silence after 6 years..

 

Even if she did gradually check out as time went by, and sex dwindled..still not even a simple "hope all is well" just nothing?? I cannot understand that nor would i ever in a million years do that...shocking and crazy.

 

Cannot even imagine how you must feel...please keep fighting

[Angry bird]

I cried reading this. I wish I could take your pain away. I am so sorry. I do feel, she needs space and will come back in a 3 months to explain that she needed space and find out what she wanted. She couldn't do it while you were in her life. She will come back though, but when she does, continue to give her pace to grow. don't try and jump back to they things were, because she will run again. Let her grow and go at her own pacemaker and she will figure things out with you in her life without the pressure of feeling she needs to be what YOU want her to be. K. Take these next three months to figure out what you want too, because even tho she will come back it will be a different situation, you know?

 

...I'm a little intuitive and can pick up on people's energy sometimes.

[AllTooWell]

I just want to say I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

Don't beat yourself up about how you've acted. There is nothing wrong with being upset - you didn't do anything wrong by begging her, or by breaking NC. It is OKAY to be open and honest with your feelings. But now that that is done, you need to shut down any thoughts you have of her replying and go back to no contact.

 

 

The next part is my opinion.

 

I think that this girl was under a lot of stress that she began to relate to you and your relationship. You got together before her brain was fully formed, she was still in many ways (emotionally and psychologically) a child. You may be tempted to disagree here and tell me that she was mature - sure, maybe she was the most mature girl for her age, more mature than people twice her age - but BIOLOGICALLY SPEAKING she has not finished her mental development.

 

What does this mean? Well, for one, she may not have a full idea of how to have a normal relationship. She may have simply (as cliche as this sounds) not be ready for this time in her life. Think about it - from the age of 18 she was in a serious relationship, doing serious things, moving in with you, pursuing her career. Her life was intertwined with many other factors and I strongly doubt she ever had a true sense of 'self'.

Note: yes, some people stay in the same relationship they had at 18 for the rest of their lives and NEVER get an urge for independence. Some. This is clearly not the case here.

 

Like other posters have said, she probably just wants to "sow her wild oats" a bit before she settles down - and there is nothing wrong with that. At 18, I was in a serious relationship, and I once warned my friends "do not find the one you want to be with at our age. Wait."

 

Because most of the time, it simply will not work out because of the fact you both need to do some soul-searching before settling down.

 

And that's normal.

It sucks, it hurts, but it's normal. And maybe (not to give you false hope) you will get back together. But you can't sit around, moping, and hoping on that. You need to get back out there and whatever happens, happens. What will be, will be. Let go of the fact you have no control here and accept that you're in for a ride.

 

 

I said this to a poster in another forum who was left after 5 years together, and months later she was still hurting:

 

Think about it this way. Each day you spent together, you added 1 grain of rice into a pile. After 5 years, that is 1826 grains of rice. For you, it's 2191. That's a lot of sand. And now you're removing the grains, one by one. It takes time. Sometimes you might drop the sand or kick the pile over and feel like you will NEVER get rid of all the sand. But it's a one at a time thing. One grain at a time. You will, eventually, move on. As painful as that sounds. Each day is a new day and each day you can choose how to live.

 

Good luck.

[anythingbut]

wow thankyou so much for your honest and constructive replies. It means a lot to know that people can empathise with my situation.

 

One thing I wasn't expecting though was for someone to suggest that she might get back in contact with me. @angry bird: why do you believe this? I've got to be honest, I've beat myself up so much over the way she has cut me out of her life, that in my heart and mind I truly believe she will never contact me again, and my opinion won't change on this. Still, it would be interesting to hear why you hold the opinion that you do?

 

@all too well - thankyou for sharing your insights with me, I find it interesting. It stings a lot when I think about the age thing. Of course, you are absolutely right - she was young when we got together, and yes of course bilogically there was a lot of transforming for her to do. The flipside is, I encouraged her to better herself, to have ambition and to be kind and caring to others. In the time we were together, we both grew together - we were both so close right up until the end, and of course we talked frequently about how beautiful our children would be. I supported her through the first 3 years of her 4 years of study, and for so much of this time we looked forward to her graduating and the new life that would bring us. She was due to graduate last week, and when I remembered this on monday this week it made me feel sick with hurt knowing that I was not there to see her and to tell her how proud I was of her. And believe me, I was super proud of her-I just didn't tell her as often as I could have.

 

If I could have just one wish right now, it would be nothing more than just to know that she still cares about me, and remembers how beautiful what we had, was. However her decision to cut me and the dog out of her life, like we never even existed, makes me feel like she has moved on now, forgotten about us/blocked us out, and is now happy.

 

...and might I add that I love this woman so much that I truly hopes she will be happy in her new life. I couldn't bare the thought of her being unhappy. I just hope she remembers me and our dog, and everything we had.

[Mcnulty]

I feel your pain.

 

I too reached out after 3 months...a month ago with a heartfelt letter, explaining why I shut down, (depression took a hell of a grip). In my haze of a mind, i actually thought she might have replied to the letter saying either f-ck off, you have mental issues or I hope you get better or just a word...got nothing..it's been a month now and like you, I'm trying to accept she wants nothing to do with me.

 

Guess we have to respect their choice and try to accept things. Hard when you're already depressed to pick yourself up and try to move on, just feel insignificant and a head case to be honest.

 

I wish you luck, hope you can move on in the coming days/weeks.

[aloneinaz]

Anything but- you need to move on my man. She's made it blatantly clear to you that she has. You need to worry about you, your healing and finding (when you're ready) your next great relationship.

 

Keep the NC going. Don't contact her anymore as it will only set you back further. Time and NC are your friends here. Try to stop thinking of her as this perfect girl friend when reality she wasn't. She's dead to you now and made it clear she does not want you in her life. Get mad and say, screw you then and your wish is my command.

 

You met and connected with her. There's no reason you can't find someone else to do the same with.

[damien201]

I got dumped by a girl this way once, though after a much shorter relationship (a year instead of six). I thought everything was more or less fine - like you I was aware of some problems I thought were minor. We were going on trips together, hanging out regularly and still having sex.

 

Then one day I went to see her and I could tell right away everything had changed. She was cold and short with me, didn't indulge in conversation.

 

Later in the evening I tried to kiss her and she told me it was over and "didn't feel right" anymore. I left her place expecting to talk things over with her later after we had cooled off. The only text I got was "Im sorry, things don't feel right for me and I don't think we should do this anymore."

 

I contacted her repeatedly for weeks after that and she never replied at all. It was devastating at the time, I still have never felt worse in my life. Like you, more than anything else I wanted to know I had mattered to her.

 

Now I am so thankful that she ended it and left it there.

 

It ended up being the most productive relationship I've ever had, breakup included. It humbled me - I couldn't believe anyone could just walk away from me like that. It made me rethink my values and needs in a relationship. It forced me to become my own person in a way I hadn't been before. Because that breakup completely shattered my self-esteem, identity, and value, it forced me to rebuild myself in to the stronger, more confident and much more secure person I am now.

[Misfortune]

I'm experiencing the cold cutting too and it seems they can only do this when they have someone else. My ex claimed she was unhappy many times and every time I tried to leave so she'd be happy, she would pull me back in and say she needs me. Now that she has someone else, I'm no longer needed. They can't sit by themselves and be honest with their feelings, always need someone. They say the dumpees are the weak codependent ones yet we're somehow living without someone else unlike the relationship jumpers.

 

These days, if you blink/smile at someone, you're their soulmate. Fickle world.

[newmoon]

i'm sorry to hear your story - i am going through a breakup as well and know how you feel, as others here do as well. i think the problem was the age difference and her school - she is at a different point in her life now, with other options, and when she started to look ahead at what she wanted for herself you weren't part of her future. i would suggest that there might be someone else too, or the idea that she could do better now that she was educated and had a career. the lack of interest in sex - particularly towards the end would have been a clue that she was beginning to distance herself.

 

it's very easy for the dumper to go cold turkey on us because they have been contemplating it for a long time before they actually do it. it didn't come out of nowhere and she was probably considering leaving you for quite some time before she actually did it. so, while we are still in great pain they are already months ahead in the healing process. you set yourself back each time you call or email, so do everything you can to stop doing that again. changing your number was awesome, but emailing twice was a big mistake, as you now see. accept that it's over and she is long gone. and you wouldn't want her back - someone who can be careless with your feelings isn't worth your time again. stay positive and rely on friends and family to help you through :-)

[Misfortune]

They're always ahead of us, that's why it appears cold to us because we're not grieving the loss at the same time. I don't think any of these relationship mess ups happen by "accident". Tripped on a banana peel and land on someone's d**k for months on end? Really?

 

There's a lot of thought and calculation put in to the things the dumpers do. They've already contacted their friends who have probably been instigating the end of your relationship. It's just how it goes.

[Angry bird]

It was an immediate response that came to me. I didn't think about it. It just came, that's usually how it happens. Don't look for her to come back tho. It's just a feeling I got.

[Sugarkane]

This is a great analysis I never saw. I do notice that the dumpers are usually the ones who tend to always be in a relationship, but the dumpees are always labeled as "needy" or "codependent" (when they seem to be single for a while after a break-up).

 

Interesting paradox.

 

Like x1000. Why doesn't anyone ever point this out to them?

Edited August 1, 2013 by Sugarkane

[thishatteredsymphony]

This is a great analysis I never saw. I do notice that the dumpers are usually the ones who tend to always be in a relationship, but the dumpees are always labeled as "needy" or "codependent" (when they seem to be single for a while after a break-up).

 

Interesting paradox.

 

This is so damn true. My ex is in another relationship, and she's always had issues where she said she "needed" me. And she had the audacity to tell me I was needy? What a load of crap.

 

This has made me feel so much better.

[oberon84]

You see, compared to me (i wear my heart of my sleeve) she was never a very emotional person...

 

 

 

That was an interesting read, thank you for sharing and being so open. The above line stood out to me more than anything.

 

You won't be able to get your head round her actions, because you would never consider doing that to someone else. You consider the impact of your actions on others and understand the way you can affect another's feelings. You sound like you're very much in touch with your own emotions and have a great deal of empathy towards others.

[Misfortune]

The fact is: dumpers never want things to get better in their current relationship. They just want out. They'll hold things in until it becomes resentment, reach their limit and then it all comes out. At this point it's too late for you(dumpee) to fix anything because they've spend weeks/months convincing themselves that you're bad for them. We're supposed to be mind readers. I love when dumpers claim they try to "fix" the relationship, and you later find that all they did was hold everything in. They tell the people who support them how bad things are, how much they're trying and how bad the dumpee is. Those people validate their feelings which gives them the confidence boost needed to crush your heart.

 

It takes two to stay and one to end. We(dumpees) can't reconcile/fix a relationship unless our mates also want the same; as distraught as we are, we understand that it takes two. For the dumpers, it apparently takes one to "fix" a relationship. If they can't "fix" it after trying by themselves then the relationship is obviously doomed in their eyes.

 

It's interesting because during the initial courting, these dumpers will go above and beyond to work on keeping a relationship. I guess people are just living for that initial feeling now.

[anythingbut]

Guys, thanks again for your open, honest and constructive analysis of my story.

 

I'm finding that laying myself bare and then listening to what everyone has to say is actually quite therapeutic in a way.

 

@angry bird/ @love does not exist: you've both made me think of something that I've never thought of before yesterday, in the event that she wanted me to take her back (and to reiterate my stance here, there is no chance this will ever happen) what would I do? It's made me realise that even though I miss her her so much it's made me unwell, how could I ever take her back in my arms knowing that she was capable of doing this to our lives?

 

I love her deeply, but that invaluable trust has been destroyed now. I am a man who values loyalty and trust above all other aspects of the close relations I have, and so, if I'm honest, there could never be any going back, as I will carry the scar of this situation right the way through my life.

 

So that leads me back to wondering what on earth it is that I do want, since I know that I would never take her back. Why is it that I am waking up every morning with a sense of helpless desperation, a feeling of gloom that my life is in pieces and there is no way out?

 

It's because she represented my future and everything that I have worked so hard towards for the last 6 years - that has been taken away now, rendering everything useless. I have no interest in my work, as it was a venture I only undertook to give us and the family we planned a better quality of life. I am stuck here though, with our dog, with no options. Whilst she now has a profession that can be applied anywhere. In that sense, the world is her oyster. And I'm glad about that, really I am. It just seems so unfair that, as the victim of all of this, I've been left with so much responsibility, a destroyed future, and little or no choice in my life.

 

@oberon - thanks for your words. I found them particularly useful as it's something I've thought a lot about since we broke up. She always had this ability so to be cold as ice in any situations of dispute, like an ability to cut herself off from me. Like, we'd have a disagreement (which wasn't very often I hasten to add) and if I was trying to get her to back down she'd change persona. She's have this cold distant look in her eyes like she was closing up, and I'd be forced to either escalate the situation by getting emotional or raising my voice, or back down straight away and accept defeat - 9 times out of 10 it would be the latter.

 

I found this side to her frustating, and you're right, if I'm honest I did struggle to understand how she could do it - just kind of cut herself off in a situation that she didn't like to be in. In fact, even as I'm writing this it's starting to make me think about how this side to her could be applied on a larger scale (ie in cutting me off after 6 years)...

 

I wear my heart on my sleeve guys, and I tell people how I feel. I tell my family and friends I love them all the time, whereas she would never do that - even with her family. Yet, she was always so affectionate and caring towards me right throughout the relationship- like, literally we were the most loving couple! ...I never really considered that she could give me the cold shoulder so readily, and of course so permanently, so suddenly.

[anythingbut]

So guys, the obvious question:

 

It seems to me that she has been able to just been able to block this situation and what she has done out ofe her mind.

 

Pretend that me, our dog, and our life didn't exist in order not to have to deal with the situation and crack on with her life.

 

Do you feel there will come a time in her life where she will have to confront what she has done? A time where she is not able to block it out any longer and has to address the situation?

 

Would be interesting to get your thoughts on this guys? Have you any experience of people cutting you out, then resurafcing months/years later?

 

I accept that people can cut themselves off temporarily at times of great stress and trauma, but surely no human is capable of just erasing six years of their lives in an instant, cutting out loved ones,and moving forward without ever having any regret for the way they dealt with the situation? Or am I just being too optimistic about the nature of people? Am I just projecting my own 'heart on sleeve/empathetic personality' onto everyone else?

 

Would be interesting to get your thoughts x

[keepontruckin]

anythingbut, your story is somewhat similar to what I could post. And there is good advice posted in this thread. However, I disagree with postings suggesting age as a factor... My wife split also a few months ago. We are the same age (two months apart), having met in our early thirties, and now being in our later thirties. I wouldn't focus on age as particularly relevant in all cases.

 

One thing in your post that piqued my curiosity, was the mention of your pet, and her attitude towards it. I don't think I've ever seen a post here yet that touched on that particular level of similarity... My wife wanted a pet, so I bought her the exact cat that she desired. Wasn't cheap (almost $1,000 when all was said and done!) We both cared for the cat like it was a child! I bought, and still do, buy only the best food for it, no "fancy feast," etc...

 

After she left, I did remain in partial contact, and had mentioned that "her" cat had thrown up on the carpet. Her response was to "just get rid of it."

 

This, my friend, is just how quick dumpers can disengage from everything in their life. She could have taken the cat, since it wasn't my idea to own one in the first place!

 

A few days after she left, she bought another cat from the SPCA.