Author RightThere Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 So we've been doing the week on/week off thing for a while now. Every week my STBXW has had our daughter, she's pawned her off at least one night of the week to someone to babysit while she goes out with her friends. I've been letting it slide, but I found out from a friend that she tried to get my friend to look after our daughter one night this week. Our separation agreement (still in process) says that the out parent always gets first right of refusal for looking after our daughter. So I send her a message saying if she needs a babysitter, she needs to ask me first. If course I get the "Absolutely I would." which is a total crock. Next day I hack her emails again and her conversation with her new boyfriend goes: "RightThere sent me a message saying I have to let him babysit first before anyone. He even threw our separation agreement at me" Boyfriend "That is petty of him. And it's inconvenient for us to drop Daughter off over there" It's a 10 minute car ride on a bad day. But I won't bite on this. I'll let her keep thinking that I believe her garbage and what she tells me. So glad she is out of my life and is someone else's now. I've been trying to figure out how long it will take her before she cheats on her boyfriend again. I want to say less than a year, but I actually think she might be able to stay "relatively" faithful for at least a year. Just glad I have a place to vent. Can't wait to greet 2014. 2
peruano99 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I read all this thread. I can say your ex wife will get karma hit back at her with full force. 3
aliveagain Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Time you got your own life, take up some cooking lessons, get out of the house, don't be so available. Get a new hair style, change the way you dress, cut all communication with them, block them on your facebook. She shouldn't be taking this much of your time, stop allowing her to play you.
Author RightThere Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Time you got your own life, take up some cooking lessons, get out of the house, don't be so available. Get a new hair style, change the way you dress, cut all communication with them, block them on your facebook. She shouldn't be taking this much of your time, stop allowing her to play you. Working on making my own life. Doing lots of stuff for myself and with friends. As for the "don't be so available" part I do struggle with that. Because it involves my daughter, I know that I will always take her when my STBXW wants to pawn her off. I never want her to constantly be dumped off at a random friend so she can go out. I'm looking at it as I will take all available time that is given to me to spend with my daughter. My regular time plus whatever extra time my STBXW gives me.
TheBladeRunner Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Working on making my own life. Doing lots of stuff for myself and with friends. As for the "don't be so available" part I do struggle with that. I did too my friend, I did too. I found that taking baby steps in this direction was best; I saw the earlier post regarding you having first right of rescission for baby sitting, I have in the past and still do this, but I don't always take my daughter. All my friends say that one of the reasons she was unhappy in the marriage is because she never wanted to be a full time parent....her behavior after DDay proved this. In the beginning of the separation I had her most of the time and it was because she wanted to go do what she was going to do. Over time I started to get to a point where I forced her to adhere to the custody agreement she agreed to and NOT being so available. It is hard when you have kids to do this, especially when we care about them like you and I do. 2
Author RightThere Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 All my friends say that one of the reasons she was unhappy in the marriage is because she never wanted to be a full time parent....her behavior after DDay proved this. In the beginning of the separation I had her most of the time and it was because she wanted to go do what she was going to do. You are bang on. I know my STBXW loves our daughter, but she doesn't want the actual sacrifice of being a parent. All of her actions show this, including all the affairs. She is still selfish and putting herself first. When I have my alone time, I getting pretty good and doing all my own things. But I do, and will probably for a while, drop everything if needed for my daughter. Not sure if it's the best thing for me, but I know it's the best thing for my daughter. It's actually a bit refreshing focusing all my energy into one person who actually receives it. Versus previously putting so much energy into my marriage that was wasted on someone who wasn't willing to receive it. 2
Author RightThere Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 Alright. For anyone still reading this Odyssey, I have a question. How soon might be too soon to start dating? I won't be officially divorced until at least a year from now (rules of where I live). My STBXW has been mostly moved out for over a month (some of her crap is still here). I've totally moved on from her, so we are not getting back together. And to be honest, I have zero prospects at the moment. I signed onto a couple of dating sites just to see what's out there. My profile has basically nothing because: (1) I wasn't ready to totally throw myself on the scene yet and (2) I know some of my STBXW's friends are on these sites and I felt like I didn't want my STBXW to know I was looking to date (still unsure why). I anticipate any drama with my STBXW is fading and the separation agreement should be in place before the end of the month. I feel like just getting out there, nothing serious, but.... Is it too soon? Don't go looking yet and wait for a couple months to see if anything just happens on its own? Git our there and start living? Just wondering how others approached this.
aliveagain Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Your legally separated you can date anytime you want. I suggest not jumping into another relationship just yet because no matter how ready you think you are your not. This is why so many relationships that start off via infidelity don't work out, they've gone from one relationship to another before they had time to fix what caused the original problem, their still two broken people meeting each others temporary needs. Take time for yourself, do something monumental, do something you always wanted to do but never did. That monumental something will give you something really good to remember during this horrible time in your life. It will give you balance, all your thoughts can't be about the negative sh*t she brought into your life. Go travel, there are so many amazing places in the world with so many amazing people. You'll never meet the right person when your looking real hard, she will show up when you least expect it. Go get your confidence back first, women can sense that. It really hurts knowing that your soon to be ex is getting laid all the time and your not. Go get laid, get it out of your system than start getting back to your new normal. Do not start a new relationship. Knowing your ex isn't the last woman you've been intimate with is like a dowsing of holy water, wash's all of her sins away(that worked for me). 3
Author RightThere Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 After a bit of searching, I may be ready to have a date if the opportunity arises, but I am definitely not ready to online date. After checking out a couple, they are full of either really fugly women, douchey guys, or some really damaged people. There's probably a few gems, but not enough for my effort right now. I think I will just continue with the flow and just do things for myself. I fel like I'm ready to have a couple of dates if they come up, but no relationships for a while. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Boy, I think back to when I was one month into separation and I wasn't ready. Too bitter, too needy, too confused and didn't want to drag anyone else into my mess. Took me a year to go out the first time but I'm probably a slow learner. Couldn't feel good about someone else till I felt good about myself... Mr. Lucky 5
TheBladeRunner Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Boy, I think back to when I was one month into separation and I wasn't ready. Too bitter, too needy, too confused and didn't want to drag anyone else into my mess. Took me a year to go out the first time but I'm probably a slow learner. Couldn't feel good about someone else till I felt good about myself... Mr. Lucky I soooooo agree. I tried early on and found myself in a position where I just didn't want to deal with ANYONE's BS, let alone the BS involved with dating. They all had a laundry list they were looking to fill and I just couldn't deal. I am 17 months after separation and 6 months post divorce as of right now and although I dated quite a bit, I just stopped in the beginning of September 2013. I found too much baggage on OLD along with a lot of bitter woman that were still not over their XH. I am planning on staying single for awhile to get myself even further together and maybe attract better prospects IRL. I tried the FWB thing and despite what the 2 of them said, they both wanted more.....but on their terms. Take your time RT, there's plenty of them out there. Also, if you do date, I suggest keeping whoever she is away from your child until you are sure she's worthwhile. Also, don't tell the STB-XH(ex) anything regarding this, it will only complicate things if she has an ax to grind. It didn't happen to me, but it has happened to friends. I started dating right about this time last year, 6 months after DDay......it was fun, it was nice to have the attention, but in the end I was making bad choices out of loneliness. If you do date, just have fun my friend; I hope you have a better go at it than I did. 3
Author RightThere Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Thanks for the responses. All of this advice has been really good for me. I think everyone here is right. I don't think if the tables were turned, I would want to date me right now. I have zero patience for anyone else's BS and so many of the women I was checking out online either have a ton of baggage, are getting harassed daily by all the douche bag guys on these sites, or are looking for a serious relationship and commitment. As much as I think I'd like to be out there (and as much as it bugs me my STBXW is out there in couplehood again) I'm going to just continue on my merry way without any kind of plan or expectations. If I by chance meet someone interesting, I'll just take it from there. Otherwise I think being single for a while is going to be good for my own personal growth for a bit. Although I know there are lots of "fish in the sea," I feel like I'm at the point in my life where there are fewer fish available for me and so I cannot start to settle on anything. I'm only 36, but I think I'd be OK if I never did meet that special someone again. I love you all like brothers (and sisters).
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 it was fun, it was nice to have the attention, but in the end I was making bad choices out of loneliness. This too. And a couple of those bad choices turned out to be unfair to the person I was (for the wrong reasons) choosing. Having been treated poorly by my xW, I didn't want to turn around and treat someone else the same way. Slow and steady wins the race... Mr. Lucky
Author RightThere Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 So rich. Hacking into my STBXW's emails and I came across an exchange she is having with a co-worker. The co-worker is having an affair with someone else at work and I guess the OM confessed his love to her but won't leave his current wife. My STBXW's response was "What a chickens&!#. He needs to man up and either leave his wife or stop with all of this nonsense." It's taking all my power not to drive over to her office and beat her with the irony stick. And yes. I also tried to figure out who this co-worker's husband is because I was going to send him an anonymous email/letter letting him know his wife is cheating on him. Couldn't figure it out at this time, and I don't think it would come back to me if I did do it.
flightplan Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 So rich. Hacking into my STBXW's emails and I came across an exchange she is having with a co-worker. The co-worker is having an affair with someone else at work and I guess the OM confessed his love to her but won't leave his current wife. My STBXW's response was "What a chickens&!#. He needs to man up and either leave his wife or stop with all of this nonsense." It's taking all my power not to drive over to her office and beat her with the irony stick. And yes. I also tried to figure out who this co-worker's husband is because I was going to send him an anonymous email/letter letting him know his wife is cheating on him. Couldn't figure it out at this time, and I don't think it would come back to me if I did do it. I totally get how you want to monitor whats going on, but you really need to be careful about hacking into her email. If you get caught, you can potentially lose a lot.. both financially and emotionally. It's not worth the risk. I had a friend do what your doing, he got busted and he faced criminal charges. It changed the whole tone of the divorce. You don't need that.
Author RightThere Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Appreciate the concern. I probably should tone it back as we're getting close to a separation agreement. Mmmmmmmm........but I'll probably sneak in there now and again just for information purposes. Information is power. And I'm only doing it to make sure I have nothing to be concerned about related to my daughter.
TheBladeRunner Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 So rich. Hacking into my STBXW's emails and I came across an exchange she is having with a co-worker. The co-worker is having an affair with someone else at work and I guess the OM confessed his love to her but won't leave his current wife I get it....but don't do it. I discussed this with a buddy who is in internet security awhile back and it is against the law. Just an FYI my friend, be careful with this kind of stuff......but I soooooo get where you are coming from. 1
Shocked Suzie Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 After a bit of searching, I may be ready to have a date if the opportunity arises, but I am definitely not ready to online date. After checking out a couple, they are full of either really fugly women, douchey guys, or some really damaged people. There's probably a few gems, but not enough for my effort right now. I think I will just continue with the flow and just do things for myself. I fel like I'm ready to have a couple of dates if they come up, but no relationships for a while. Ha ha I went on one dating site, lasted 1hr!! I was approached by quite a few blokes within minutes!! Didn't even have a photo up, it was pretty grim I've decided to go out n about, join the gym .. Just do stuff that makes me happy and healthy, if I meet someone then great if I don't then I don't Need to feel 100% within myself first We'll get there in time... Quite like my own space no days and putting myself first for a change SS x
Author RightThere Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 This is why I love you guys. Keep me on track. I shall limit all my email hacking to "absolutely necessary" only. 1
Author RightThere Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 Sinking into a bit of a depression lately. I find it happens on my off weeks (when my daughter is with my STBXW). Just the alone factor (going to bed in a dead quiet house, waking up and no one else is there). I'm getting out and doing things, but I think this is a normal part of where I'm at. I've suffered from depression a lot, and so far this isn't too severe, but I guess it is concerning because of where I'm at in my life. Had a blow up with the STBXW as well. She was babysitting at a friend's house with my daughter. She sent me a message saying if I wanted to say goodnight in person, I could come over. Of course I took the opportunity but halfway over there I figured she actually asked me over to help put all the kids to bed. I felt manipulated so I didn't speak to her, said a quick goodnight to my daughter, then left. Got a nasty text that my attitude and not making sure my STBXW had everything under control was mean. I let her know I felt she was manipulating me. This dragged on and on but I clued into the fact that I do still have a lot of resentment towards my STBXW. Although I would love to cut off all communication other than about our daughter, I know she's going to continue manipulating the situation and somehow tie it to interactions with my daughter. Not sure how I need to handle all this or what to do differently, but it's tough when she is still holding me to a standard that she refuses to hold herself to as well. Definitely in the middle of a downward momentum part of the recovery right now.
Author RightThere Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Man I have a lot of anger building up in me right now. I'm not sure how to let some of this go. It's probably a bit my fault as I let her poke me with questions about "You don't need to act that way" when I totally ignore her during a drop-off/pick-up. I react with some messages back about how I don't trust her or such. I think I need to find a better way to manage myself during my weeks without my daughter. When I have her, my life feels full and busy. When she's not here, I feel like I've got too much free time to stew. I need to find some good personal exercises to let go of all this resentment I feel towards my STBXW. 1
dumped2013 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Adopt a dog from the shelter. They are loyal, will always love you, and you can trust them. My little Cat keeps me company.
Author RightThere Posted January 14, 2014 Author Posted January 14, 2014 Adopt a dog from the shelter. They are loyal, will always love you, and you can trust them. My little Cat keeps me company. I think a little cat might be exactly what I need. 1
trippi1432 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Hi RightThere: it's nice to be able to take advantage of the time taking up old hobbies you have given up, it passes the time. For me, it was music and joining a band. It's been pacifying to belt out some Melissa Etheridge and Alanis Morrisette on the really angry days. As to the communication, nothing wrong with going and tucking your child in, but you didn't owe your stbx any concern whether she had things under control. She wants to live outside of a marriage fine, she will learn to take care of things herself, your only concern is your child. Simply put, when she makes things about herself and not about your daughter......go silent. I would have simply answered her with "it's obvious you had it under control, thanks for thinking of me to let me come tuck DD in, goodnight". There are shuttle ways to get the message across so you can feel more in control of your reactions to her manipulation. It's a process, but you will get there. 1
dumped2013 Posted January 14, 2014 Posted January 14, 2014 Actually a cat is very easy to take care of. She is worth it to me. She is my little buddy.
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