My gf kissed another guy :((

[Darren Steez]

Honestly, I think people are reacting to a quick kiss as if it was a full blown affair or ''Omg how could he/she betrayed me, I'm in so much pain that I'm going to throw up''. Though I'm not into taking back a cheater, this is about practically the only reason I would let something like this slide but only if it was nothing more than a ''I kissed him/her very fast but then pulled away, I'm sorry'' or it only happened that one time.

 

Maybe. But red flags are red flags, and a kiss is never a mistake, it's an action. How many girls/guys have you tried to kiss who have turned you down? You lean in and they turn their face away if they don't want to kiss you. A kiss doesn't minimize the betrayal, as neither a handie is a lesser offense than a full on BJ

 

oh and she's the one that told him it was a quick kiss. What if it was a snog?

[Stay]

This is difficult, my ex kissed someone, didn't tell me so we continued for a few more years. Guess what, times got rough.. she found someone else while still dating me, broke up with me and stung me along still, all of this while lying to me and hanging out with the other guy. Kept making me feel like theres a chance we can get back together but in her mind it was just her deciding what she wanted.

 

Can you imagine when the relationship hit some rough patches down the road? Will she go off and find attention from another person or stick it with you? The fact that she kissed another guy creates a possibility of wanting that same feeling in the future when you're not giving her that feeling. Idk but that's my personal opinion, I learned from my lessons that there was a reason behind that kiss, it'll happen again when things are hard in the relationship.

[Fraser]

How do you know she's not still in touch with that guy. Texting about you now?

I trust her I guess...like I've lost a lot of trust in her but I guess I've got enough left for that.

Tbh he's not a big worry to me...I know its me not him for her, I believe it didn't mean anything - my issue is more the fact she'd risk our relationship on a guy that meant nothing.

 

 

If you go to a new girl and she cheats on you at least you were trying. When this girl cheats on you again if you find out it's going to be a big waste of energy on her from now till than.

Or she might not and I wont of thrown everything away.

 

I've not made my mind up...its difficult cause like I say my every instinct is to defend her...I don't want to cut and run at the first sign of trouble but I don't want to present myself as pushover, its hard

[Fraser]

I can deal with looking like a fool, I'm not scared of that - I am scared of sitting in my rocking chair and thinking what if!

 

Life is so so fragile and too short, if you're both miserable apart, then sort it!

 

I get that...I don't want it to be over - but I didnt jeopardise it, I wouldn't of, im genuinely stunned she would. Like I know you'd always be shocked and whatever but she'd be the last person id of said would do that - even before I started dating her. Im so p!ssed!

[Fraser]

I wonder what you're going to do? Good luck to you!

 

haha, I know you think im soft, im not I just I don't think you get anywhere in life jacking things in everytime you hit problems...but im only gonna bother if I genuinely believe were on the same page.

[LittleTiger]

If you love the girl, give her another chance!

 

If she kissed another guy then there is a problem with your relationship. Talk to each other to find out what the problem is. If possible, address that problem and then move forward with your relationship.

 

If the problem isn't fixable then you're done - and you can go your separate ways.

 

Simple.

[Fraser]

Also you are making excuses for her and justifying her actions.

 

What does grans dying have to do with cheating? So they bonded over that..fine, then this guy thought oh well she looks great let me go in for a kiss? And she responded.

Oh hell no, im just saying what she told me as I was asked, its bull*****, I haven't asked her about cause quite frankly I don't give a ***** - nothing she could tell me about where, why, what could make me turn round and be like oh that's okay then, or make it any better, there are no excuses hence I don't want to hear any. That would only make it harder.

 

It's sort of loserish mentality to take back a cheat because you don't want her to be with someone else. So you'd take her back because you don't want to be the one that loses out?!

That's not really what im saying I just I don't want my life to be full of what ifs.. I, ahh, love clouds your judgement, but equally so does pride and ego and I don't want anything clouding mine, I want to make a decision that im completely 100% satisfied with and and so can stick to - I don't want to to and fro, shes put me in the situation where I have to make a decision and I want it to be a clean cut one!

 

What is your deal breaker? If she sleeps (hypothetically) with another guy and apologies, would you take her back because you dont want to be the one that loses out?

Hell no, we'd be dust if she slept with him.

If i'd found out another way but her telling me about this kiss we'd of been dust!

If she was trying to justify this, or blame me somehow, we'd be dust!

 

Listen mate, it's actual quite natural thinking what you're doing. You're protecting yourself, you want things to go back to they way they were, so you justify stuff. It's all plausible right? Grans ill, gran died, I was feeling low, we just happened to be together, I was weak at that moment, he kissed me and I responded

I agree with the point your making its not justified at all, its bull, no one made her do anything, she didn't have to kiss him.

But I would in a way be more worried if she was responding to an argument we'd had - I cant live like that, every time we have an argument her running off to some other guy, but that's not the case, we were good, I think I can deal with that a little better.

 

 

You ask yourself this. When the passion has died down or everybody is comfortable again and she meets a guy who is interested in her. What is to stop her doing it again because she's already done it before and got away with it?

I get this, and I would kick myself for taking her back and walk away. And that's what one side of my heads screaming at me but then the others like what about on your wedding day, or the day you have your first grandkid and you think damn im glad I didn't just chuck it all in over a kiss.

Like she was the one, she was the one I saw the rest of my life with, and I really do believe I was that person for her too.

[Fraser]

If you love the girl, give her another chance!

 

If she kissed another guy then there is a problem with your relationship. Talk to each other to find out what the problem is. If possible, address that problem and then move forward with your relationship.

 

If the problem isn't fixable then you're done - and you can go your separate ways.

 

Simple.

 

Theres nothing to fix, I don't even know if that's making it easier or harder, we were good, we were great, better than ever..

[therhythm]

I sometimes wonder how much benefit people get by posting here and asking for help.

Many people here are very prone to tell someone "dump her" "forgive her" or anything else because they have no investment in the relationship (zero), and they project their bad experiences and hurt feelings to the OP.

 

I am not going to tell you what you should do because that is only your decision...you are the one who knows her and the one who has invested in this relationship with this woman but I would like to open a line of thinking...

 

She cheated ,even when she only kissed a guy she did cheat and that is something you should always bear in mind... she is capable of cheating.

She told you right away (even when that could cost her dearly she had enough respect for you as to tell you the truth and allow you to take an informed decision about this relationship (people who think she should have not tell you don't value your right to take decisions about your life with the right set of information... meh)

She is remorseful, she hates herself for what she did and she hates that she may lose you for it... hence she learned a lesson.

 

You will never (ever) come back to how things where three days ago... now the innocence of your relationship and the trust are gone.

 

It is up to you to decide if the fact that she was honest, that she respected you enough to tell you and allow you to take your decisions and that she is remorseful could compensate the fact that she misbehaved with another guy and made you lose your trust on her. Only your decision!

 

If you were to reconcile and come back with her she needs to explain you how she is going to avoid this happening again... (the answer : "I know now how painful this was for you" is not a valid answer because next time she may choose for not telling you)... she needs to understand how to build boundaries in her relationship with other males... till then she should not allow herself to one to one meetings with any other men!

Edited August 1, 2013 by therhythm

[LittleTiger]

Theres nothing to fix, I don't even know if that's making it easier or harder, we were good, we were great, better than ever..

 

If she kissed another guy while she's in a relationship with you then there is definitely something to fix.

 

If all had been really great between you, as great as you seem to believe, she would never have allowed another guy to kiss her.

 

She is sorry for what she did but telling you 'I don't know why I did it' is not going to help. There was/is a weakness somewhere in your attachment that may or may not be fixable. You both have to be honest about where that weakness is if you want to make this work.

[therhythm]

If she kissed another guy while she's in a relationship with you then there is definitely something to fix.

 

If all had been really great between you, as great as you seem to believe, she would never have allowed another guy to kiss her.

 

She is sorry for what she did but telling you 'I don't know why I did it' is not going to help. There was/is a weakness somewhere in your attachment that may or may not be fixable. You both have to be honest about where that weakness is if you want to make this work.

 

I don't agree with the idea that something needs to be bad in a relationship for someone to cheat... people are stupid and sometimes they allow themselves to situations (for a validation kick or sexual pleasure) that have nothing to do with their relationship or partner...

[giblesp]

Might not have been the first time she did that, there was probably a lead up to it as well. When my ex betrayed me, she was in contact with the man for a period of months before the deed actually happened. Though for all I know they'd been at it for longer than I know.

 

Cheating is a pattern and reflects a deeper dysfunction. If you take her back now, you'll be validating her behavior. Right now she's forced to reflect on herself and why she betrayed you for another man. That's actually a good place for her to be, now she has to face the consequences of her actions. But if you take her back, there are no consequences for her and you have to worry about her betraying you again.

 

It really is best for you both to move on. Tell her to go put some work into herself so that she doesn't destroy another relationship and cause pain. In the meantime, do your own thing. IF she reaches the place were she has dealt with her stuff and has become a trustworthy partner, and if you're still single, then maybe she could enter your life again.

[Simon Phoenix]

I trust her I guess...like I've lost a lot of trust in her but I guess I've got enough left for that.

Tbh he's not a big worry to me...I know its me not him for her, I believe it didn't mean anything - my issue is more the fact she'd risk our relationship on a guy that meant nothing.

 

 

 

Or she might not and I wont of thrown everything away.

 

I've not made my mind up...its difficult cause like I say my every instinct is to defend her...I don't want to cut and run at the first sign of trouble but I don't want to present myself as pushover, its hard

 

You are looking at this ass-backwards. She's the one who will have thrown it away because she was the one who kissed a guy that wasn't her boyfriend. However you decide to deal with this, one thing you need to do is get your balls back. You are acting pretty emasculated right now.

[therhythm]

You are looking at this ass-backwards. She's the one who will have thrown it away because she was the one who kissed a guy that wasn't her boyfriend. However you decide to deal with this, one thing you need to do is get your balls back. You are acting pretty emasculated right now.

 

Is he? why? because he doesn't do what you want him to do?

He is in shock and is taking the decisions he thinks are the best for him.

Why do you feel you need to put pressure on his decision taking by telling him his way of acting is emasculating if he does not what you think he has to do? You should give advise but not commands

[Simon Phoenix]

haha, I know you think im soft, im not I just I don't think you get anywhere in life jacking things in everytime you hit problems...but im only gonna bother if I genuinely believe were on the same page.

 

Problems are her being moody because she's not doing well in school, or you being distant because you are worried about other things. Those are problems you work through. Your girlfriend sticking her tongue down another guy's throat isn't a problem, that's a big red flag.

 

I mean, what's to stop her from doing it again if you just go all emo and beg for her back, which is what you seem like you want to do? If you are to take her back, you need to draw a hard line in the sand and you need to be assertive. You need to be a man. You aren't being a man right now, you are being a bit of a wallflower.

 

If you take her back, you have to a) set clear boundaries and b) be able to move forward from this. If this keeps bouncing around in your head, you are just wasting your time. If you take her back without being clear about how hurt you are and what constitutes unacceptable behavior on her part, you are wasting your time. You need to put on your big boy pants either way.

[Simon Phoenix]

Is he? why? because he doesn't do what you want him to do?

He is in shock and is taking the decisions he thinks are the best for him.

Why do you feel you need to put pressure on his decision taking by telling him his way of acting is emasculating if he does not what you think he has to do? You should give advise but not commands

 

I'm the bad cop, that's what I do. And honestly, I have no tolerance for any sort of cheating, so that comes through in what I write. He can do whatever he wants with my advice -- I'm just a dude on the internet -- but I'm not going to change what I feel because you don't like it.

[therhythm]

I'm the bad cop, that's what I do. And honestly, I have no tolerance for any sort of cheating, so that comes through in what I write. He can do whatever he wants with my advice -- I'm just a dude on the internet -- but I'm not going to change what I feel because you don't like it.

You can have no tolerance for cheating in your life ... but this is OP's life we are talking about and he is the one who needs to have tolerance or not.

 

I don't want you to change in anyway what you feel... but I am trying to tell you that while your advise can be of much value...putting preasure on someone to react how you would react or how you would want him to react is playing God with other people life... he is the one invested in the relationship... you are welcome to give advise.. or to keep doing what you were doing but I think your advise would be much more valuable if it would come in the form of advise instead as a command

[giblesp]

I know you just want everything to be ok again. But think of it this way, if you did take it back right now everything would not be ok. Chances are, every time she hugs a male friend you're not going to feel comfortable about it. When she's not around, you're going to wonder what she's doing and who she's with. This is not a good place to be in a relationship. The trust is broken and she chose to make it that way.

 

When people say, 'I kissed her/him back and I don't know what happened!' they're actually lieing to themselves. They kissed because they were aroused and wanted it. Gran's passing on and the play this other guy made are no excuse. She felt arousal and she chose to betray her boyfriend. Now she wants the boyfriend to forgive her because she loves him oh so much.

 

Here's a little fact, if you love someone you don't kiss other people. You don't even let that energy come into your interactions with the opposite sex. Your attention is fully taken by your lover. Loyalty to a partner isn't something you force upon yourself, it just happens.

But it didn't happen that way for her. Let her take that camping van and drive off by herself. That's what she chose and she must now live with the consequences.

[therhythm]

I sometimes wonder how much benefit people get by posting here and asking for help.

Many people here are very prone to tell someone "dump her" "forgive her" or anything else because they have no investment in the relationship (zero), and they project their bad experiences and hurt feelings to the OP.

 

I am not going to tell you what you should do because that is only your decision...you are the one who knows her and the one who has invested in this relationship with this woman but I would like to open a line of thinking...

 

She cheated ,even when she only kissed a guy she did cheat and that is something you should always bear in mind... she is capable of cheating.

She told you right away (even when that could cost her dearly she had enough respect for you as to tell you the truth and allow you to take an informed decision about this relationship (people who think she should have not tell you don't value your right to take decisions about your life with the right set of information... meh)

She is remorseful, she hates herself for what she did and she hates that she may lose you for it... hence she learned a lesson.

 

You will never (ever) come back to how things where three days ago... now the innocence of your relationship and the trust are gone.

 

It is up to you to decide if the fact that she was honest, that she respected you enough to tell you and allow you to take your decisions and that she is remorseful could compensate the fact that she misbehaved with another guy and made you lose your trust on her. Only your decision!

 

If you were to reconcile and come back with her she needs to explain you how she is going to avoid this happening again... (the answer : "I know now how painful this was for you" is not a valid answer because next time she may choose for not telling you)... she needs to understand how to build boundaries in her relationship with other males... till then she should not allow herself to one to one meetings with any other men!

 

Just to add to the above that while kissing another guy is cheating is the least grave of the things that could have happened... and she felt bad enough about it to tell you. I think many people here are really projecting their hurting feelings and bad experiences to you so please really weight the value of your relationship against the fact that she made this mistake and take your decision aside of what other people are trying to influence you to do (including me)

Edited August 1, 2013 by therhythm

[BeholdtheMan]

she's just NOT the type to go round kissing other blokes

Obviously, you have to reevaluate that assumption. She is the girl to go around kissing blokes she's sufficiently attracted to...

 

I mean, you guys aren't married. It's pretty easy to all it quits. In your shoes, I'd probably leave but that's up to you.

[LittleTiger]

I don't agree with the idea that something needs to be bad in a relationship for someone to cheat... people are stupid and sometimes they allow themselves to situations (for a validation kick or sexual pleasure) that have nothing to do with their relationship or partner...

 

I don't believe it has to be a 'bad' relationship, but there does have to be some level of dissatisfaction somewhere.

 

People don't risk a great relationship for the sake of one kiss with someone else. If they need to get validation, kicks or sexual pleasure outside the relationship then they're in the wrong relationship - unless 'open' behaviour is agreed of course - or they shouldn't be in a relationship at all.

[BeholdtheMan]

Some people here think that a zero tolerance attitude is a "hardline stance" resulting from bitterness...

 

For the record, I have never been cheated on (to the best of my knowledge) and I have never cheated. I have been taken for granted by an ex-GF and I learned my lesson...and what a hard lesson that was.

 

Zero tolerance is a reflection of my personal values: utmost dedication to self-respect. I have high standards. I give a lot. I expect a lot in return.

 

In OP's shoes, I would thank my girlfriend for being honest and for allowing me to make an informed decision affecting my life. That decision, unfortunately for her, would be to split up. I'd let her know that I still respect her as a person because of her prompt honesty.

[LittleTiger]

In OP's shoes, I would thank my girlfriend for being honest and for allowing me to make an informed decision affecting my life. That decision, unfortunately for her, would be to split up. I'd let her know that I still respect her as a person because of her prompt honesty.

 

If you've never been cheated on then, realistically, you have no idea what you would do in his shoes.

 

If you love someone and they make a mistake, it's human nature to want to forgive them, no matter how difficult that might be.

[Fraser]

She cheated ,even when she only kissed a guy she did cheat and that is something you should always bear in mind... she is capable of cheating.

Yeah, which wasn't something I thought she was before, so that does change things!

 

She told you right away (even when that could cost her dearly she had enough respect for you as to tell you the truth and allow you to take an informed decision about this relationship (people who think she should have not tell you don't value your right to take decisions about your life with the right set of information... meh)

Exactly which means everything to me - I couldn't get past it if she hadnt but she has - which means a lot to me!

 

She is remorseful, she hates herself for what she did and she hates that she may lose you for it... hence she learned a lesson.

I totally believe she's sorry I do.. people band round these words like doormat and pushover and I don't want to present myself like that to her but I'm not playing some tit for tat game, I'm not looking to hurt her or punish her I'm just looking for the best way to move forward and work Putin my own head if I can deal with this and put it to one side so that it doesn't affect our realtionship going forward.

 

You will never (ever) come back to how things where three days ago... now the innocence of your relationship and the trust are gone.

I know, and that's what hurts the most!

 

If you were to reconcile and come back with her she needs to explain you how she is going to avoid this happening again... (the answer : "I know now how painful this was for you" is not a valid answer because next time she may choose for not telling you)... she needs to understand how to build boundaries in her relationship with other males... till then she should not allow herself to one to one meetings with any other men!

One of the things I have said to her is thanking her for being honest, like I say there's no way we could of moved on it she hadn't of been!

 

Just to add to the above that while kissing another guy is cheating is the least grave of the things that could have happened... and she felt bad enough about it to tell you. I think many people here are really projecting their hurting feelings and bad experiences to you so please really weight the value of your relationship against the fact that she made this mistake and take your decision aside of what other people are trying to influence you to do (including me)

Totally, I understand, I do, I like what you say about being invested in the relationship - I am heavily invested in it and it means a lot to me, leaving would make me miserable and forgetting her for a min, for one kiss (totally different if it was anymore than that or any sort of relationship) to throw everything away and not even give it shot, I dunno....I'm angry with her but this is my real life and I feel I don't know if I'd ever have proper closure if I couldn't even say 'fraser you tried to get past it'

[Fraser]

You are looking at this ass-backwards. She's the one who will have thrown it away because she was the one who kissed a guy that wasn't her boyfriend. However you decide to deal with this, one thing you need to do is get your balls back. You are acting pretty emasculated right now.

 

Then we've got a different definition of being emasculated! I think there's strength in stick around when things get hard a d working at the as opposed to jacking it in!

It's not some game where I chuck her and she loses, if I chuck her then those consequences affect us both, that turns my life on its head - for an affair yes, for sleeping with him yes, for a fiv second kiss which she told me about within 2 hours - I dunno, I dunno if the fall out fits the crime!