Don't know

[Mariposa10]

Oh and about the article, letting them go means going NC. It meant that in my case for sure. You have to cut your losses at some point. I think your case really warrants NC.

 

yes, I agree, letting go means NC. After this month, there won't be any "what if I had done this or that" etc.

 

I know the majority here don't agree with the article. But personally it has helped me.

[Mariposa10]

I don't even want to read this thread again because it brings me down. But!!! I need some advice.

 

A couple of days ago, while my ex and I were on the phone. He said he was glad I was so busy that way no guy could steal me from him, so after he said that I got kind of angry and told him, he didn't have a right to say that because after all we were just friends and he had chosen to pursue this other girl. He didn't say much after that, we kept talking about other things in general.

 

The next morning I sent him a text telling him to please stop calling "baby" etc and to please start treating me as a REAL friend. I told him I was tired of this mind****. I told him how much he had hurt me and how this had been the worst summer of my life, etc. After all that he sent me a text apologizing saying he was sorry he had hurt me so much. I didn't reply anything.

 

Around his lunch time (he was working) he called me sounding kind of desperate, saying that he wanted to be my friend FOREVER, and I told him that was not gonna be possible, that at some point we were gonna have to stop being friends. After that he said "after how much I've hurt you and all this that has happened to you think you can get past all this? I don't think you'll be able to do that." And I told him I wasn't sure that he had hurt me too much. He said, if you had never talked about dating anybody else I would've never done it. And I told him I understood why he did what he did but what I didn't understand was why he chose to go after this girl he had just met throwing away a 4 YEAR relationship. My ex is very honest so he said, "I couldn't pass up the opportunity," "but now, I know you're the one I want to talk to and hang out with." "I've missed you all this time."

 

We were talking and then I think he lost reception and he didn't call me or texted me back that was yesterday.

 

The way I see things is that I blew it by being stupid and immature and saying that we should start dating other people (however, I never did any of that, NEVER, I never looked for anybody else). He blew it by going after this girl.

 

What's next?? I, of course, still love him. I feel like he wants to be with me but he's not sure. He said he doesn't hang out with this girl anymore. I don't know if they have kissed, or have had sex. I have no idea what kind of relationship they had. I don't even know if I want to find out. I'm really hurt though. I can't forget all the things he told me about her. I can't forget the call when he pretty much told me he was gonna go after her.

 

Any advice???

[Simon Phoenix]

My advice is stop talking to him. He's telling you what you want to hear. Actions, not words. His words are empty because he's not following through with his actions. You didn't screw up anything -- he's the one who chose to break up with you.

[Mariposa10]

My advice is stop talking to him. He's telling you what you want to hear. Actions, not words. His words are empty because he's not following through with his actions. You didn't screw up anything -- he's the one who chose to break up with you.

 

I don't talk to him only when he contacts me. The old me would've called/texted him like crazy yesterday. I stopped contacting him when I once suggested we should hang out and he got all upset saying that I was putting pressure on him. I felt horrible after that call, so I stopped. After I stopped he's the one who has contacted me every single day.

 

This time is different because he told me "he's done" with this girl. Before he was all doubtful and would keep telling him different things. But now what am I supposed to do, have this romantic dinner so we can celebrate he's done with her???!!!!

 

I'm not gonna contact him. I want to be careful with what I said though because I don't want to say anything stupid I might regret in the future.

[Zahara]

My ex is very honest so he said, "I couldn't pass up the opportunity," "but now, I know you're the one I want to talk to and hang out with." "I've missed you all this time."

 

"You're the one I want to talk to and hang out with." This is what you're banking on?

 

The only reason you keep blaming yourself about dating others is because it's the only way it justifies you hanging on. Other than that, what do you have? A bunch of words? He says this, he says that.

 

You both broke up with each other, then became FWBs. When you said you both should date, he had every opportunity to say no, express himself. He didn't and he isn't doing it now either. He knows how you feel. He's not stupid.

[Mariposa10]

"You're the one I want to talk to and hang out with." This is what you're banking on?

 

The only reason you keep blaming yourself about dating others is because it's the only way it justifies you hanging on. Other than that, what do you have? A bunch of words? He says this, he says that.

 

You both broke up with each other, then became FWBs. When you said you both should date, he had every opportunity to say no, express himself. He didn't and he isn't doing it now either. He knows how you feel. He's not stupid.

 

Before any of this happened, we never had any problems related to cheating, or other guys or girls. I keep bringing what I did because I know that was my biggest mistake and I know how much I hurt him.

 

I do see that he pretty much took the first opportunity to start hanging out with a new person. Yesterday I told him he didn't really think about his decision, and he said "how do you know? you have no idea how long it took me to decide what to do. But this girl is really cool and we have many things in common. But when I hang out with her, it's not the same. I'm not interested in her anymore. We don't hang out anymore. I wanna see you, talk to you, but now you're busy all the time." In other words, he's found out there's no potential for a relationship with that girl, she was gonna be a rebound either way.

 

He also said he'd be willing to give it another try in order not to lose me as friend. He says he loves me me so much, blah blah.

 

Two problems: I'm sooo hurt he chose to go after this girl even though I pretty much begged him to not rush things to wait a little bit before doing it. The second problem, I can't just say yes! I'm so happy you're done with her!! I've been here waiting for you like an idiot. Thanks for coming back. I can't instantly forget how he would tell me, "loving you and being attracted to you is not enough to have a relationship."

 

My gut says I should just keep doing what I'm doing and see what happens without saying much, I don't want to say anything I might regret. But yesterday he kept asking me if I could get past all this... I kept saying "I don't know."

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't talk to him only when he contacts me. The old me would've called/texted him like crazy yesterday. I stopped contacting him when I once suggested we should hang out and he got all upset saying that I was putting pressure on him. I felt horrible after that call, so I stopped. After I stopped he's the one who has contacted me every single day.

 

This time is different because he told me "he's done" with this girl. Before he was all doubtful and would keep telling him different things. But now what am I supposed to do, have this romantic dinner so we can celebrate he's done with her???!!!!

 

I'm not gonna contact him. I want to be careful with what I said though because I don't want to say anything stupid I might regret in the future.

 

THEN DON'T SAY ANYTHING! I mean, it's not rocket science. If he really wants you back (which he hasn't displayed any real indication that he does), you going silent on him is not going to have an effect. If anything, it might make him take you a bit more seriously. Because he doesn't right now because he knows you are going to be there no matter what.

Edited September 21, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[happydate]

I don't even want to read this thread again because it brings me down. But!!! I need some advice.

 

A couple of days ago, while my ex and I were on the phone. He said he was glad I was so busy that way no guy could steal me from him, so after he said that I got kind of angry and told him, he didn't have a right to say that because after all we were just friends and he had chosen to pursue this other girl. He didn't say much after that, we kept talking about other things in general.

 

The next morning I sent him a text telling him to please stop calling "baby" etc and to please start treating me as a REAL friend. I told him I was tired of this mind****. I told him how much he had hurt me and how this had been the worst summer of my life, etc. After all that he sent me a text apologizing saying he was sorry he had hurt me so much. I didn't reply anything.

 

Around his lunch time (he was working) he called me sounding kind of desperate, saying that he wanted to be my friend FOREVER, and I told him that was not gonna be possible, that at some point we were gonna have to stop being friends. After that he said "after how much I've hurt you and all this that has happened to you think you can get past all this? I don't think you'll be able to do that." And I told him I wasn't sure that he had hurt me too much. He said, if you had never talked about dating anybody else I would've never done it. And I told him I understood why he did what he did but what I didn't understand was why he chose to go after this girl he had just met throwing away a 4 YEAR relationship. My ex is very honest so he said, "I couldn't pass up the opportunity," "but now, I know you're the one I want to talk to and hang out with." "I've missed you all this time."

 

We were talking and then I think he lost reception and he didn't call me or texted me back that was yesterday.

 

The way I see things is that I blew it by being stupid and immature and saying that we should start dating other people (however, I never did any of that, NEVER, I never looked for anybody else). He blew it by going after this girl.

 

What's next?? I, of course, still love him. I feel like he wants to be with me but he's not sure. He said he doesn't hang out with this girl anymore. I don't know if they have kissed, or have had sex. I have no idea what kind of relationship they had. I don't even know if I want to find out. I'm really hurt though. I can't forget all the things he told me about her. I can't forget the call when he pretty much told me he was gonna go after her.

 

Any advice???

 

How old are you? And how long are you planning to keep this up? Both of you are just so insecure. He's insecure enough to leave you cause I suspect he's not having as much luck meeting girls better than you. And you are insecure enough because if you leave him, you don't know if you are going to date a better guy.

 

So both of you are in a limbo. Get out of this as fast as you can and heal yourself. Right now you may not think you are good enough for a great man, but if you work on yourself and heal yourself well, there are many men out there who will be loads better than your ex. Who will not play games with you and who will treat you right.

 

If you don't, he will continually control your mind because right now, he has your mind. You are under his control.

[BC1980]

You need to go NC. Like Simon said, it will make him take you more seriously. But do it for yourself mainly. You are on a roller coaster. My ex would say the same things. He loves me, misses me, but can't commit right now.

 

Once I stopped initiating any contact, he doubled his efforts to contact me. Even acting like he was upset I hadn't called him or wanted to see him. I thought for sure, his contact would taper down, but it persisted. Even was upset when I requested NC. Just nonsense really because he broke up with me and said it was done in April. I guess he had a change of tune, but I wasn't going to be there to hold his hand while he made up his mind.

[New Moon]

Hi Mariposa (and all),

 

I'm a new poster but have been visiting these forums for advice for some time. Your story interested me. I have had a trying year, as well, maybe not as tough as yours, but I learned a couple lessons I could try to share with you...

 

I'm becoming better at letting go of the people who just aren't giving enough to the relationship as I am. Including friends. You seem like a nurturing and understanding person towards your loved ones. I think your ex is taking advantage of that, even if he doesn't mean to. You're not a parent he can whine to about why you "made" him behave this or that way. You know the truth, STICK TO YOUR HEART! He opted out of the relationship, it's uncertain why, but he couldn't handle the fact you needed time. DON'T FEEL BAD that you needed what you needed!

 

I know you're hearing the same sort of answers. But just try to recognize that sinking feeling you had when you resurrected this thread. We're picking up on that. I don't mean to say that he's NEVER going to treat you well, but right now he has no idea how to do it. And it's not your job to teach him.

 

You are on the right track! Be polite, but leave him alone. You can still be a friend at a distance (which you need). And in the time you would be talking to him/doubting yourself/worrying about this situation, instead just think about what you want, what it would take to make you happy. I have been "visualizing" my ideals, and I feel like doing so realizes the opportunities and people I want in my life. (You won't be lonely!) I ran into my ex a month ago after a year of NC, and I agreed to get back in touch. He was polite but very persuasive to do things again on his own terms. I had to really stick to "what I would like" in order to see things clearly and avoid his kind of manipulation. I had that "bad feeling" when he called me. That's a very important instinct. You know it's not butterflies.

[heartshaped]

My advice is, if you love him and cannot imagine your life without him, swallow your pride, hurt, and resentment. It would feel good to tell him off, it would feel good to be cold, and it would feel really good never to talk to him again, but if you love him and you want to be with him then that won't work.

 

Obviously, at least on your end, breaking up was a mistake. It wasn't what you really wanted and suggesting the two of you see other people was an even larger mistake. Stop saying/doing things you don't mean. It only will hurt you and the people you hold dear.

 

At this point, it's either put up or shut up. If he wants to be in your life, if he loves you, and if this is what you want you need to lay things out for him and ask him for a formal commitment. No more of this going back and forth, no more playing games, or playing at being friends. The two of you have issues you have to work out, but they can only be worked out in the confines of a relationship. Do not settle for less.

 

If he will not give you that, move on.

 

And as much as you are hurt by his pursuit with this other girl don't be. You suggested the two of you see other people and it backfired. You can say that if he loved you 'enough' he wouldn't have done it, but that's only your anger and hurt talking. He did it because he was hurt by you, you suggested the idea, and she was there. It's all it really was. Don't let your jealousy and pain get the better of you. Do what is best for you in the long run.

[Mariposa10]

Thanks for all the feedback, it was very helpful, I've read it more than once and ALL OF YOU have been very helpful.

 

 

I'm still doing the same, I don't contact him anymore. I only react when he contacts me. He's said he doesn't hang out with her anymore, but he hasn't talked about what's gonna happen in the future whether or not they're still gonna keep having a friendship, etc. I think he's planning on keeping in touch with her because of work, I don't know how that's gonna work...

 

I don't trust him right now, I still remember how right before we really broke up he told me he wouldn't even hang out with her and in the end he chose her. So time will tell. I do know that if I want to have a relationship with him I'll have to shut up, swallow my pride and forget about all this, right now I can't do it. Imagine what his friends and co-workers will say? Oh look, that girl is back after he had fun with the other girl.... So pathetic. I can't stop thinking about how the girl might have turned him down? Is that why he's done? I don't know. Again, I don't know what kind of relationship they had, I don't know if I want to know, I don't know if I should ask him.

 

So many questions that I don't even know if I should ask, I do know I'm not ready. I would feel better if he had said something like,"it was just a crush, now it's gone, we just hung out as friends, nothing happened." But he barely talks about what kind of relationship he had with this girl.

But to be honest, if he had an intimate relationship with her, while talking to me and leading me on etc. I don't think I will be able to get past this.... There's a big difference between being intimate with someone when you are single and not leading on your ex, and breaking up with your girlfriend so you can have sex with another girl.

[Simon Phoenix]

You are way too available to this guy. It doesn't really matter if you don't initiate if you answer every time. Just like Link Worshiper, you seem completely closed to going NC even though it is by far your best option for every scenario. You aren't doing yourself any favors with your approach at all. I know I sound like a broken record, but it's because you refuse to listen. There is absolutely no motivation for him to give you what you want because he can have you how he wants while giving little to no effort.

 

You have two plays here, neither of which you are doing with your current approach. They are to a) disappear without any sort of notice or warning and go NC or b) have a conversation where you tell him to sh*t or get off the pot and be prepared to go NC if you don't get the answer you want (which you likely won't). But your current approach was foolish when you started, it's foolish now and it's going to continue to be foolish the longer you go with it. You are in a self-imposed limbo, no man's land.

[Mariposa10]

You are way too available to this guy. It doesn't really matter if you don't initiate if you answer every time. Just like Link Worshiper, you seem completely closed to going NC even though it is by far your best option for every scenario. You aren't doing yourself any favors with your approach at all. I know I sound like a broken record, but it's because you refuse to listen. There is absolutely no motivation for him to give you what you want because he can have you how he wants while giving little to no effort.

 

You have two plays here, neither of which you are doing with your current approach. They are to a) disappear without any sort of notice or warning and go NC or b) have a conversation where you tell him to sh*t or get off the pot and be prepared to go NC if you don't get the answer you want (which you likely won't). But your current approach was foolish when you started, it's foolish now and it's going to continue to be foolish the longer you go with it. You are in a self-imposed limbo, no man's land.

 

 

I'm not gonna post any details, but he called me after work we talked, he said some stuff. All I can say is that I"m done with this man. I already cried, but I think I'm done crying. I've cried for months, I don't think I have anymore tears. I asked him to please not contact me anymore, he said if you change your mind you know you can always text, call me or email me. I said thanks for understanding have a great life.

 

I'M DONE. I already deleted him from Facebook (which is easy I guess, since he doesn't use it, but I don't want him to know anything about me anymore).

[Mariposa10]

I never thought it would end like this, in fact I never thought it would end, but now it has. I've also deleted all the texts that he sent me throughout all these yrs, I always saved the ones I loved. Tomorrow after I come home, I will throw away all the things that remind me of him. I'm so angry. I hope I will go from being angry to being indifferent.

Edited September 25, 2013 by Mariposa10

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm not gonna post any details, but he called me after work we talked, he said some stuff. All I can say is that I"m done with this man. I already cried, but I think I'm done crying. I've cried for months, I don't think I have anymore tears. I asked him to please not contact me anymore, he said if you change your mind you know you can always text, call me or email me. I said thanks for understanding have a great life.

 

I'M DONE. I already deleted him from Facebook (which is easy I guess, since he doesn't use it, but I don't want him to know anything about me anymore).

 

I'm truly sorry it didn't work out. But this will help you grow and you'll find someone that's more deserving of your love than this guy was.

[Mariposa10]

After five years, it's finally over... Wow, it's gonna be so hard not to talk to him, I'm taking comfort in knowing he will also feel weird/upset/sad at some point because for the past month he had been the one texting me and/or calling me every single day. He won't have that luxury anymore. I can't believe his horniness got the best of him, that's pretty depressing.

[heartshaped]

*hugs* I hope in time you will feel better. Take time to grieve for what you've lost.

[thora-tiki]

@Mariposa10

 

I am so sorry you are hurting.

 

You are finally realising it is over, and in fact,

it has actually been over for months.

 

Now the drama can stop, and your life begin.

Leave the drama to the TV shows, life is what you make of it.

 

You have just tried to keep something dead alive - for months.

 

A break up is a death, the death of a relationship, if you won't bury it, mourn, and move on - what's the alternative?

 

You keep tripping over this dead thing.

 

All the while you are trying to bring it back to life,

which didn't work out well for Dr. Frankenstein.

 

And then it starts to rot, stink, and look even worst.

 

Someone has to have the brains and the guts, to grab a shovel,

and bury the fu*king thing.

 

You are that someone.

 

Believe me this dead relationship (break up) spans out and affects more people than just you and your ex, and they will all be happy when one of you buries this fu*king corpse once and for all.

 

They are tired with of dealing with this zombie.

Life goes on, and it gets even better, everything happens for a reason.

 

I truly believe your break up and my break up,

and everyone's break up on this forum happened because the relationship needed it.

I suggest you focus on yourself and stay positive and not become someone's scapegoat in the name of love.

 

Nothing really good is going to happen to you until you let go of

your ex boyfriend and the past.

 

From his behaviour, I think no contact might be good for him too.

 

This will be the theme:

You are going to act expensive, whether you feel it or not,

you are going to act expensive.

 

Which means you don't beg, you don't grovel,

you don't plead, you don't whine.

 

Even if you feel lost and overwhelmed,

because men love expensive women.

Stand in front of the mirror and say:

Fu*k it, I start with me!

 

Life has chucked us all a bit of a lemon.

The exes can continue to suck on it if they want to,

but it'll only make them bitter.

 

I'm gonna squeeze the bastard and make lemonade.

How about you...?

[BC1980]

@Mariposa10

 

I am so sorry you are hurting.

 

You are finally realising it is over, and in fact,

it has actually been over for months.

 

Now the drama can stop, and your life begin.

Leave the drama to the TV shows, life is what you make of it.

 

You have just tried to keep something dead alive - for months.

 

A break up is a death, the death of a relationship, if you won't bury it, mourn, and move on - what's the alternative?

 

You keep tripping over this dead thing.

 

All the while you are trying to bring it back to life,

which didn't work out well for Dr. Frankenstein.

 

And then it starts to rot, stink, and look even worst.

 

Someone has to have the brains and the guts, to grab a shovel,

and bury the fu*king thing.

 

You are that someone.

 

Believe me this dead relationship (break up) spans out and affects more people than just you and your ex, and they will all be happy when one of you buries this fu*king corpse once and for all.

 

They are tired with of dealing with this zombie.

Life goes on, and it gets even better, everything happens for a reason.

 

I truly believe your break up and my break up,

and everyone's break up on this forum happened because the relationship needed it.

I suggest you focus on yourself and stay positive and not become someone's scapegoat in the name of love.

 

Nothing really good is going to happen to you until you let go of

your ex boyfriend and the past.

 

From his behaviour, I think no contact might be good for him too.

 

This will be the theme:

You are going to act expensive, whether you feel it or not,

you are going to act expensive.

 

Which means you don't beg, you don't grovel,

you don't plead, you don't whine.

 

Even if you feel lost and overwhelmed,

because men love expensive women.

Stand in front of the mirror and say:

Fu*k it, I start with me!

 

Life has chucked us all a bit of a lemon.

The exes can continue to suck on it if they want to,

but it'll only make them bitter.

 

I'm gonna squeeze the bastard and make lemonade.

How about you...?

 

This is such good advice. Someone has to man up and actually bury the relationship. I'm so proud it was you! You took control.

[lylat333]

Sorry to hear, Mariposa, I'll be thinking of you and I'm sure others will be, too.

 

I think you did the right thing by throwing things away. The anger will evolve into better emotions over time. In the meantime, be good to yourself and know his behavior is a reflection of him, not you.

 

One of my least favorite parts about losing contact with my ex was feeling I was bound up and being led into months of negative emotions, I hated feeling there was way around it. The good news is there is hope, it does take time, but things do get better.

 

You said you will take comfort in knowing he won't have the luxury of contacting you whenever he wants anymore. This reminds me of something I read yesterday I thought was profound - those of us who feel rejected or on the losing end actually have it better in the long run. In the short term, the dumper or person in power has it so much easier. They have all the control and choose what they want. We feel at their mercy. We are forced to begin confronting and accepting a reality not of our will. The dumper often lives in a sort of haze with unresolved issues and realities yet to be confronted.

 

There is no doubt in my mind better opportunities await you.

[Mariposa10]

Thank you, guys! I really appreciate your support.

 

I kept waking up in the middle of the night thinking about what happened yesterday. I'm really pissed off. It's amazing how just when you think you know someone turns out you don't really know them. What he did to me was so cruel. He kept in touch with me while he was testing the waters. He was telling how much he loved me and how he wanted us to get married in the future while he was ****ing this girl. How does this kind of stuff??

 

I once asked this older married woman what was the secret of finding such a great husband like hers. And she said, "you have to find a good man." This ******* is not a good man. So I don't even believe in "in the future things might work out." No, I'm not interested in having a future with this selfish prick.

 

The straw that broke the camel was that he took this girl to the restaurant where we had our first date, which is like two blocks away from where I live. WHO DOES THAT? Can you guys imagine how crushing it would've been if I had seen them together??!!! I'M AROUND THAT AREA ALL THE TIME, and he knows it. I also asked this selfish prick, MANY TIMES, to tell me as soon as he started having a relationship with someone. And he didn't, what was his excuse? "we're not having a relationship, we just hang out (have sex)." "I do know I don't see a future with her." FOR ME THAT'S A RELATIONSHIP!!!!! They might not be exclusive, I don't care.

 

Sorry for all this ranting, this is the only place where I can vent.

[Zahara]

I'm glad you finally got the truth, as hard as it crushes you.

 

People will do all sorts to get what they want, regardless of how it affects the other person. It's a good thing that he showed his true colors because now you have what you need to help you move forward and shut that door. Get mad.

[Mariposa10]

I take comfort in thinking how he won't be able to text me every morning just like he used to, or call me after work. This selfish prick just left me a super romantic voice-mail a couple of days ago, saying how much he wished I was there with him. Did he leave it after seeing the other girl? WHO DOES THAT?

I take comfort in how I was able to say, "leave me alone" and hearing some shock/desperation in his voice. Something I never thought I would be able to say. I was getting ready to go NC at the end of this month, but to be honest I was just waiting for a miracle, pretty much him saying, "that was just a crush, it's gone now, I got to hang out (just hang out) with her and now my mind is clear, time to focus on our relationship."

[Mariposa10]

I'm glad you finally got the truth, as hard as it crushes you.

 

People will do all sorts to get what they want, regardless of how it affects the other person. It's a good thing that he showed his true colors because now you have what you need to help you move forward and shut that door. Get mad.

 

Yeah, I'm glad at least he was honest at the very end, I had to push him though, but I know some guys wouldn't have told me the whole truth, he did. I'm glad about that. I find him disgusting now.