Don't know

[Mariposa10]

I'm in a similar boat and I have also read that article before. I agree with parts of the article but have my own theories of NC vs LC. But anyway, back to your issue.

 

I'm in somewhat of a similar situation to you. I agree with the others that there's a little bit of 'game playing' going on here, but what's done is done and it is what it is.

 

Since he has taken your threat or challenge to date other people quite seriously and I suggest you also take your own advice.

 

Dating is hard as it is and even harder when you're in an emotionally uncertain place, but it may be good for you to go out there, spend some time with a member of the opposite sex who isn't your boyfriend, feel desireable and just have some fun and re-discover who you are as an individual without him.

 

It helped me to do that, not just to take my mind off him and 'feel wanted' again (everyone likes a good ego stroke lol), but also to understand more how it feels dating others while you have someone you still feel strongly about (which of course he still has strong feelings for you, that's WHY he's stringing you along, but it's selfish and should NOT be encouraged).

 

It won't speed things up or make anything happen for sure with your ex, but an air of nonchalance instead of desperation (for lack of a better word) might make your ex a little more curious as to what's been on in your life and he'll remember he wants to be a part of it. I think that played a small role in my ex wanting me back a little more lol

 

I can't start dating people, I told him that was a mistake I made by saying that. I did tell him that if he wasn't interested in me anymore then I would move on.

[Mariposa10]

He knows you will be there waiting for you, so he has no real impetus to make a decision. Unless he has a real fear that you would walk away and not come back, he will live in limbo, and he will drag you along with him because you allow it.

 

So, what you do is go NC, and you see if he pursues you. If he doesn't, he would never have committed to you. He isn't the one for you. That's what you can do if you want to be with him, which it seems obvious you do.

 

I don't know if I believe in the NC rule, the last thing I need right now is play more games.

[Mariposa10]

Ha, what a move. He has sucked you back in.

 

I am saying that without resentment and not pushing you to now "protect" yourself and "go NC" and stuff like that.

 

You still want him. But you don't want him like that, do you?

 

So, you now can make an effort to really understand what's going on. To get the complete picture about himself, his needs, the reasons for his strange act, so you can understand it in the best light of truth, with kindness but without delusion.

 

And you can feel if you like what you see, if you can live with that like that.

 

May be I missed it. But has he said anything about that other girl? Has he said that he finished with her? How can he say "I want you" if his actions say "don't come too close"? I find the words don't fit what I see on the movie like its the wrong sound-track. Remember, judge people by their actions, not by what they say. You want him and wanting someone for you means hugging and holding and kissing and being into each other... Wanting to me does not mean keeping each other at bay. And not with lame excuses about what others might think of a single man.

 

Even if he was honest, you can wonder: is this the level of passion that you desire? Don't you desire being his pride? Should he not relish and bask in your attention and open expression of your affection? And don't you want to have the sunlight of his passion shine on you? That is what young love should look like. So, whether he is honest or not, might not matter, wouldn't matter to me in such case, because I don't want the love of (the rest of) my life to look and feel like that.

 

So, he better have been lying to you and you can get lying and you can kindly understand his motives. And hopefully find that those motives are something other than him being confused and wanting to have you hang around as an option. His last words seem to speak the truth: he was worried to lose you -- not as passionate lover, but as an option.

 

 

Thanks again for your input, it's very useful.

[Mariposa10]

So I talked to my ex and he says he loves me and misses me. He says he likes the other girl (the girl also likes him) because she's really cool, but they are not as compatible as he's with me. In other words, he does want to get back together, we're just taking things slow. I'm so turned off by this entire situation, how can I be with someone who likes someone else?? The worst thing here is that they have to keep in touch to a certain degree because of work-related stuff.

 

I feel so confused.

[eleve82]

Until and when he says he wants to get back together, all is fair in love and war - you dont owe it to him to stay single. Take it from someone who has heard ALL the same lines from an ex - it means NOTHING. One year after hearing the same rubbish day in and out, nothing has changed. Draw some boundaries, make him respect them.

[Philosoraptor]

So I talked to my ex and he says he loves me and misses me. He says he likes the other girl (the girl also likes him) because she's really cool, but they are not as compatible as he's with me. In other words, he does want to get back together, we're just taking things slow. I'm so turned off by this entire situation, how can I be with someone who likes someone else?? The worst thing here is that they have to keep in touch to a certain degree because of work-related stuff.

 

I feel so confused.

So she turned him down or she/the sex wasn't that great.

 

Don't be surprised if he bounces back to her or to someone else now that he assumes you are his soft place to land between new people.

[Mariposa10]

So she turned him down or she/the sex wasn't that great.

 

Don't be surprised if he bounces back to her or to someone else now that he assumes you are his soft place to land between new people.

 

I think I'm just suffering the consequences of my stupidity (let's not forget I was the one who brought up that whole thing about seeing other people). The other day he told me "I don't want you to be jealous, sad, or upset, I'm not gonna choose this girl over you. But I need time, I can't just stop talking to her out of the blue she's really nice. She's gonna think I'm crazy or something. (let's not forget that they have some work-related stuff they have to deal with) I also need to get rid of all this negativity I feel."

 

The problem now is what will happen in case we do decide to get back together, how am I gonna handle this situation? I don't want to be controlling just like I was becoming at the very end. I don't want that kind of relationship. I'm almost sure they're gonna have to keep in touch somehow because of work... I wanna be able to trust him, if I can't trust him then I'm going to be jealous all the time, which is like living in hell, that's the last thing I want.

 

Any ideas on how to handle this situation?

[Mariposa10]

I feel so bad now, my ex just told me that I hurt him so bad. He says he still talks to this girl, but that they are just friends. But he says he wants me to be his best friend and he loves me and misses me but it's not ready to have a relationship with me, he says that maybe in the future. I feel like he wants to have a relationship with this girl. He says he doesn't, but I feel like he wants to. I feel so bad because if I hadn't said all those stupid things I wouldn't be suffering now, if I hadn't hurt him that bad. I feel so lost. This is nightmare, I'm so mad at myself.

[Mariposa10]

ignore this message

[keepontruckin]

I feel so bad now, my ex just told me that I hurt him so bad. He says he still talks to this girl, but that they are just friends. But he says he wants me to be his best friend and he loves me and misses me but it's not ready to have a relationship with me, he says that maybe in the future. I feel like he wants to have a relationship with this girl. He says he doesn't, but I feel like he wants to. I feel so bad because if I hadn't said all those stupid things I wouldn't be suffering now, if I hadn't hurt him that bad. I feel so lost. This is nightmare, I'm so mad at myself.

People that truly love each other don't want to be just "friends." Trust me, he's feeding you BS lines. There are a few classic lines that they all use, without exception, and that's one of 'em.

 

Don't be mad at yourself. You'll find someone else, but you'll have to be at the top of your game when this time comes. This means eventually being able to let go of any baggage from the ex that had left you!~

[Mariposa10]

Guys, please bear with me, I know that many of you have told me to move on, but it's only been a month. I can't move on so fast after 4 years of being together and 5 years of knowing each other. I made many mistakes that I regret.

 

I've always asked him to be honest with me. Yesterday he told me "I want you to know that I still talk to this girl, we've hung out mostly because of work-related stuff, but I've gotten to know her and she's really really cool. You'd like her" (I felt like dying when he said that). And then he said we're just friends, just like you and me are. I think she likes me. I told him I didnt want/need to know every detail. And he said that's why I don't tell you. Not too long ago he told me they were not as compatible as he thought they were, now this?

 

What I don't like about this situation is the uncertainty, it seems like he keeps changing his mind. He told me he was not gonna choose her over me, but that's what he's doing. Before All this started he told me he was going through a phase, he didn't say much, but I noticed he gained weight. And the other day told me "don't you think it feels good to be liked by somebody who's good looking when you're getting old and fat?" (is that what's happening? is he having a huuuge boost of self-esteem? ).

 

Another thing I asked him what his new friends/co-workers thought about his situation and he said they don't want him to get back together with me. And I told him that was unfair because they don't know me, and then he said "but they know your behavior."

 

I rarely call him, he's the one who calls me during his lunch break or after when he gets off work. I know he still loves me but he either doesn't love me the way he used to or he really likes this girl.

 

any feedback will be appreciated it!!!

 

Btw, I love this article, I think it talks about some great points: Should I Ask My Ex If She?s Dating Someone Else? | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng

 

He has also said, "hanging out with her I think helps me "get over her'" or something like that I don't remember the exact words, what the hell does that mean?? Sometimes this feels like a nightmare I never thought any of this would happen. He's always been so mature, but now... :'(

Edited August 11, 2013 by Mariposa10

[Mariposa10]

You should learn to say the truth. No games with "give me time / space". Know and then say what is real for you.

 

I would say (and have)

 

"I love you very much, but this is not what I want. I want to be your priority or I have to move on, because I want to be in a relationship where I am priority for him as he is for me. I love you, and want you, but I know in my head I don't need you, and sooner or later my heart and feelings will get there too. I understand you may reach out to me out of guilt or pity, or may be to keep me warm just in case. But I don't want to be second choice. I love you and rather be with you, but it's all or nothing. What is happening made it quite clear that I need to move on to find my happiness that I want, and will have in my life. So please don't prolong my temporary pain, don't contact me for any of these reasons of your guilt or pity on me, or to keep me warm just in case. I'll be fine in the end. I love you, sad that it didn't work out. I hope you'll be happy. Bye bye and peace be with you."

 

Something like that. I would consider.

 

 

What happened when you said this? if you don't mind telling me...

 

He's never used any kind of mind games, but sometimes I feel like he manipulates me into the whole thing about being friends if we really care about each other.

[Mariposa10]

I don't know who to talk to so I decided to post here... any advice/insights are always welcome!!

 

I've kept in touch with my ex-boyfriend. We text, we talk pretty much everyday. He says I'm his favorite person in the world etc. But he keeps emphasizing how we are just friends. I feel like maybe he's dating this other girl I've mentioned before.

 

What should I do? I read an article about how I shouldn't ask whether he's dating or not, but I feel like drowning sometimes. What's the protocol for this? Should I just keep doing what we're doing talking everyday? Or should I ask him where things are going??

 

I'M SO CONFUSED!!

[jesse93]

I don't know who to talk to so I decided to post here... any advice/insights are always welcome!!

 

I've kept in touch with my ex-boyfriend. We text, we talk pretty much everyday. He says I'm his favorite person in the world etc. But he keeps emphasizing how we are just friends. I feel like maybe he's dating this other girl I've mentioned before.

 

What should I do? I read an article about how I shouldn't ask whether he's dating or not, but I feel like drowning sometimes. What's the protocol for this? Should I just keep doing what we're doing talking everyday? Or should I ask him where things are going??

 

I'M SO CONFUSED!!

 

Go NC, don't keep in touch, I did the same thing you're doing and my girlfriend was telling me stuff along the lines that he is telling to you, but when they are set on moving on and only being friends, the pain you will receive is going to hurt, and hurt a lot, I tried staying in contact with my ex because she wanted the friendship, but I couldn't do it so I cut all contact from her, you should do the same don't ask him, i think his answer will cause more pain than you want to receive, your best option is to stop talking to him completely you can't truly heal until you let go of him, and as long as you keep talking to him the pain will always be there.

[Mariposa10]

Go NC, don't keep in touch, I did the same thing you're doing and my girlfriend was telling me stuff along the lines that he is telling to you, but when they are set on moving on and only being friends, the pain you will receive is going to hurt, and hurt a lot, I tried staying in contact with my ex because she wanted the friendship, but I couldn't do it so I cut all contact from her, you should do the same don't ask him, i think his answer will cause more pain than you want to receive, your best option is to stop talking to him completely you can't truly heal until you let go of him, and as long as you keep talking to him the pain will always be there.

 

How did your girlfriend reach to that? I see you're using the word "girlfriend" not "ex-girlfriend."

[BC1980]

I think you should do NC just for your sanity. Just to let the air clear. It's awfully hard after being together for so long, but I know from experience that you are just inviting more pain. It took me 4 months to work up the courage to go NC, but I only wish I had done it sooner.

 

Keeping in contact won't help the relationship anyway. The only thing you are accomplishing is allowing him to wean himself off the relationship.

[Mariposa10]

He says he loves me, he says he cares about me, he's still attracted to me, he says I'm the person he wants to wake with every morning. But he's also said we shouldn't ruin our chances of getting back together by rushing things. Yesterday (not in a too serious way) sent me a text saying "I love you" he also said I was the most important thing in his life. But what about the other girl?? What is he doing?

 

I would have stopped talking to him, if I didn't feel so guilty about this breakup, I was an idiot. But since I feel guilty I can't really stop talking to him. Am I being unfair for wanting to get back together? I'm trying to understand what's going on in my head. Am I trying to rush things because I feel threatened by the other girl? If the other girl wasn't in the picture, would I be acting the same way?

Sometimes I feel like he's testing me. Sometimes I feel like he's trying to date this girl first.

[Mariposa10]

I think you should do NC just for your sanity. Just to let the air clear. It's awfully hard after being together for so long, but I know from experience that you are just inviting more pain. It took me 4 months to work up the courage to go NC, but I only wish I had done it sooner.

 

Keeping in contact won't help the relationship anyway. The only thing you are accomplishing is allowing him to wean himself off the relationship.

 

Maybe I will work up the courage to do it soon, but I'm not ready yet...

[Zahara]

What does "he loves me, he says he cares about me, he's still attracted to me, he says I'm the person he wants to wake with every morning" mean when he isn't choosing you and using every excuse in the book to keep you away? It's the biggest pile of horseshytt I've ever heard. If someone means all that to you, you don't keep reconcialition on the backburner, instead you work at rebuilding what was broken together. If you mean all that to him, why does a woman he "likes" take precedence over all these wonderful things he feels about you.

 

You're feeling guilty and that is why you can't stop talking to him? You're talking to him because you are afraid to lose him and if you're in his sights you stand the chance of maybe getting him back because you're afraid that if you are out of the pciture, he will attach to this other woman. So you hang around to keep reminding him you exist.

 

Manipulative game playing.

[Mariposa10]

What does "he loves me, he says he cares about me, he's still attracted to me, he says I'm the person he wants to wake with every morning" mean when he isn't choosing you and using every excuse in the book to keep you away? It's the biggest pile of horseshytt I've ever heard. If someone means all that to you, you don't keep reconcialition on the backburner, instead you work at rebuilding what was broken together. If you mean all that to him, why does a woman he "likes" take precedence over all these wonderful things he feels about you.

 

You're feeling guilty and that is why you can't stop talking to him? You're talking to him because you are afraid to lose him and if you're in his sights you stand the chance of maybe getting him back because you're afraid that if you are out of the pciture, he will attach to this other woman. So you hang around to keep reminding him you exist.

 

Manipulative game playing.

 

He says, it's not "enough" to have a relationship right now, that he needs to get rid of all the negativity he feels towards me, I said some really hurtful stuff that now I regret... but it's too late the damage has been done. He says we're working on forgetting how we both hurt each other... He calls me during his lunch breaks, after work, etc... So I know there's an interest there...

 

Yes, you're right I don't want him to forget me, I don't want to lose him. I know he still loves me, but does he love me enough to have a relationship? I don't think so... He even once said "I used to love you sooo much." but 40 minutes before that he had told me "I love you so much."

I'm trying to avoid playing any games, because that backfired. I don't see how this is me being manipulative, I'm just letting things flow to see what happens, but every now and then I feel super frustrated. I know getting back together right now wouldn't be a good idea, I know we need time, but sometimes (not all the time) I feel threatened.

 

Thanks guys for the feedback, keep it coming! It helps!! I need to see things from different angles.

[Zahara]

If it's not enough and you both can't have a relationship, then he needs to let you go. How long does he keep you on a stick before he decides it's enough? He either puts the past behind and works on mending the relationship together and quits punishing you or you both enforce NC and move on. If and when he decides you're the one he wants and is of positive mind, then he can revisit. It's a bunch of excuses to keep you on a stick while he gets with another girl.

 

Interest? He calls you? I'm sure he is calling her too. Interest means squat when you are still an option.

 

I wasn't saying you are being manipulative. He is.

 

If you are letting things flow, then you shouldn't get upset. The fact that you are upset, is you being fearful of letting go. Be honest with yourself.

 

I've learnt one thing and in my old age it's rang true. When a you allow a man to keep you as an option, most times, that's all you'll ever be. He'll never take you seriously. No one will respect you if you can't even prioritize your own value. And hanging around while he tries "to get over the other girl" only teaches him that you're willing to sit in the corner and wait to be chosen. Pretty sad.

Edited August 27, 2013 by Zahara

[Mariposa10]

If it's not enough and you both can't have a relationship, then he needs to let you go. How long does he keep you on a stick before he decides it's enough? He either puts the past behind and works on mending the relationship together and quits punishing you or you both enforce NC and move on. If and when he decides you're the one he wants and is of positive mind, then he can revisit. It's a bunch of excuses to keep you on a stick while he gets with another girl.

 

Interest? He calls you? I'm sure he is calling her too. Interest means squat when you are still an option.

 

I wasn't saying you are being manipulative. He is.

 

If you are letting things flow, then you shouldn't get upset. The fact that you are upset, is you being fearful of letting go. Be honest with yourself.

 

I've learnt one thing and in my old age it's rang true. When a you allow a man to keep you as an option, most times, that's all you'll ever be. He'll never take you seriously. No one will respect you if you can't even prioritize your own value. And hanging around while he tries "to get over the other girl" only teaches him that you're willing to sit in the corner and wait to be chosen. Pretty sad.

 

yes, I know it's pretty sad and depressing to wait for him to choose me. But I was the one who brought up the stupid thing about dating other people. Yesterday when he texted me "I love you" I didn't say anything I just texted him about something else, I only answer if he calls me or texts me. I'm not really the one who's looking for him like I used to do in the past.

When we were a couple he was always very faithful we never had any problems about him flirting with other girls or anything. I always thought he was very mature, I don't know anymore (after all he's 9 years older than me). I feel upset whenever he says stuff like "I used to love you so much." "I used to think you were perfect for me." That makes me feel sad. I also feel sad when I think about how he can talk to this girl. I don't even know how he can do it. I know guys who want to go out with me, but I can't do it, I feel bad just by thinking about it. I'm not ready to date other people and to think that he kind of is makes me sad.

I wish I could ask him about this girl and know what's going on, but I once heard that if I'm not ready to hear something really hurtful maybe I shouldn't ask. But I am confused because the other day he said we should go have dinner at this specific restaurant, he said something like, "you're the only person I can go to that restaurant with." But what does it mean??

 

I have always asked him to be honest with me. I've asked him in the past to please tell me if he's dating someone because if he is then I can't keep talking to him because that would be disrespectful to the girl and me. But I don't think he's gonna tell him because he'll be "afraid to lose me." He says he never wants to lose me, etc... all that crap.

[Zahara]

I'm not sure how to advise you because you are in a fog. I believe that no matter what anyone tells you, you'll justify his reasoning for being this way as your fault.

 

The fact is, both of you are playing games, whether to be manipulative or to protect yourself from hurt. It doesn't matter the reasons, because at the end of the day, it keeps prolonging the dysfunction. For as long as this soap opera plays on, he will be inclined to continue with this woman while he has you on the side because you let him and you will forever keep sitting in the corner blaming yourself and accepting to be treated this way.

 

He speaks of you in the past tense. He's cruel to say these things and then tell you he loves you the next minute. Manipulative.

 

You don't know how he can talk to this girl? Well, it's because he can, you allow it and he wants to. It's because your feelings are not a priority. And that is because he knows that eventhough you are hurt, you'll remain where you are because he knows you are too afraid to let him go.

 

You can ask him about the girl and when you get your response, it is what will help you make a decision to determine what you do with your life. Don't you have a say about what's in it for you? At this moment, you are waiting for him to make it for you. So you sit in silence and wait. Too afraid to rock the boat so you sit there fingers crossed, hoping for the best while you suffer in pain. Bad for the soul.

 

What does it mean? What does it mean? Stop asking what every trivial thing that he says or does mean? What you should be focusing on is that he is with another woman and chooses not to be with you. That should be enough. Everything else is dumb shytt that he does to give you a massive mind ***k and he's succeeding.

 

Of course he won't be honest. Why would he do that when that would mean missing out on cake?

Edited August 27, 2013 by Zahara

[Mariposa10]

I'm not sure how to advise you because you are in a fog. I believe that no matter what anyone tells you, you'll justify his reasoning for being this way as your fault.

 

The fact is, both of you are playing games, whether to be manipulative or to protect yourself from hurt. It doesn't matter the reasons, because at the end of the day, it keeps prolonging the dysfunction. For as long as this soap opera plays on, he will be inclined to continue with this woman while he has you on the side because you let him and you will forever keep sitting in the corner blaming yourself and accepting to be treated this way.

 

He speaks of you in the past tense. He's cruel to say these things and then tell you he loves you the next minute. Manipulative.

 

You don't know how he can talk to this girl? Well, it's because he can, you allow it and he wants to. It's because your feelings are not a priority. And that is because he knows that eventhough you are hurt, you'll remain where you are because he knows you are too afraid to let him go.

 

You can ask him about the girl and when you get your response, it is what will help you make a decision to determine what you do with your life. Don't you have a say about what's in it for you? At this moment, you are waiting for him to make it for you. So you sit in silence and wait. Too afraid to rock the boat so you sit there fingers crossed, hoping for the best while you suffer in pain. Bad for the soul.

 

What does it mean? What does it mean? Stop asking what every trivial thing that he says or does mean? What you should be focusing on is that he is with another woman and chooses not to be with you. That should be enough. Everything else is dumb shytt that he does to give you a massive mind ***k and he's succeeding.

 

Of course he won't be honest. Why would he do that when that would mean missing out on cake?

 

Thank you, it helps me to read stuff like this because I can see what's going on from a new angle. I will not keep doing this for a long time. In a month I will ask him what's going on and if he says that he is still talking to this girl I won't say anything (I've said too much but haven't done anything) I will just start getting over him and move on. I'm just too confused, I'm really hurt about how he's being doing things, I might not even want to get back with him at the end. I don't know. I don't know anything.

 

Thanks for your responses, reading what you wrote has helped one way or another.

[Mariposa10]

He introduced me to his entire family and ALL of his friends, every time I would talk to his family or friends they would talk about how my ex was sooo in love with me, and how happy he was etc. And I never introduced him to my family formally. I did many little stupid things like that. I swear I feel so guilty, I don't know if this is part of a breakup to feel guilty or not but I do. Every time I think about all the bad things I did or all the things I should have done and didn't do I feel bad...

 

I don't really have anybody to talk to, I do have friends, but I don't want to talk about this all the time, they don't have to put up with me feeling down... I like this forum because I can vent here....

Edited August 28, 2013 by Mariposa10