Don't know

[Zahara]

Guilt doesn't justify sitting around and waiting for someone to chose you while they fool around with someone else. Fine, you ****ed up if that's how you see it but that doesn't mean you allow a man to strip you of your dignity and self-respect because you believe you deserve to live by his terms as to when HE decides you're worthy to be in his life again. It doesn't work that way. He either puts the past behind, quits this girl and focuses on making it work with you or he lets you go because he's not ready for a relationship with you. What if he never is ready?

[Mariposa10]

Guilt doesn't justify sitting around and waiting for someone to chose you while they fool around with someone else. Fine, you ****ed up if that's how you see it but that doesn't mean you allow a man to strip you of your dignity and self-respect because you believe you deserve to live by his terms as to when HE decides you're worthy to be in his life again. It doesn't work that way. He either puts the past behind, quits this girl and focuses on making it work with you or he lets you go because he's not ready for a relationship with you. What if he never is ready?

 

Well, the thing is that I don't know what's going on with this other girl. Last time I asked he told me the had hung out because of work-related stuff, but that he's gotten a chance to get to know her better and that she is SUPER COOL but said they were not compatible. I have no idea what's going on with this girl, he texts/calls every day many times a day, but of course there's still time for him to hang out/talk with this girl.

 

This is what I'm trying to achieve:

 

Your Ex Confused About His/Her Feelings For You? | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng

 

I don't know if I'm being delusional, but after 4 years of a romantic relationship and one year of being friends, I can't let go in a couple of months...

I'm not gonna wait for him my entire life. I'm gonna wait another month. Also I'm about have a huge change in my life soon in a month or something. So in case I do have to move on that will help me. Also, if he was to tell me in a month or two to get back together and I find out he had a relationship with this other girl,(while talking to me and saying how much he loves me and how he does want to spend his future with me) I will not take him back.

 

I want to believe he just has a crush on this girl and he's waiting for it to go away and he's trying to forgive what I did in the past and for hurting him as much as I did. I know that's me being soooooooooo pathetic, thank God this forums exist I could not say this in real life to my friends.

 

Thanks for reading and giving me advice, I swear it helps me to read your perspective. I feel like I'm still a little bit in denial and I need people like you telling me what's going on.

[Zahara]

If you've given yourself a month to make your next move, then I hope you follow through with that.

[BC1980]

I hate to tell you that a month is probably not enough time for him to make a decision. People seem to need a lot longer to sort their feelings out once a relationship ends.

[Mariposa10]

I hate to tell you that a month is probably not enough time for him to make a decision. People seem to need a lot longer to sort their feelings out once a relationship ends.

 

Yeah, you're right, and I would give him more time, but I can't because there's a third person. I don't know if they hang out or not, but I can't keep doing this (this uncertainty) for a long time. If he really likes her I won't die if he starts having a relationship with her, but I don't want to be like this for a long time. If he doesn't want anything with me, then he should start having a relationship with this girl and stop talking to me.

 

I'm thinking about asking him how he feels about us next week if we see each other. I won't talk about it for a long time, but I need to know where I stand. What do you guys think? It's been like a month and a half since we broke up. I probably shouldn't....

 

Yesterday he said I wish you could come to my house and stay with me for three days and then the rest of the time you can live with your family (since school is closer). And then he started saying "I always wanted to marry you" I hate when he says stuff like that. I do see things are getting better and better the first times we hung out as friends he was acting in a weird way, now he's acting more "normal." So I do see things are getting better and better, but maybe he's waiting to see if this other girl really likes him. I don't know.

[Mariposa10]

If you've given yourself a month to make your next move, then I hope you follow through with that.

 

In a month or so I'm gonna have (hopefully) a huuuuge change in my life, so I will be super busy that's gonna help me move on.

[Mariposa10]

Whenever I think about how he's even a little bit interested in this girl, I feel like our relationship is ruined. Am I crazy for thinking like this? I know he's single and he can do whatever he wants. But am I being too crazy by thinking that way? Sometimes I try to see the bigger picture and how I was the one who came up with the brilliant idea of dating other people, which hurt him a lot (he later told me).

[Zahara]

Whenever I think about how he's even a little bit interested in this girl, I feel like our relationship is ruined. Am I crazy for thinking like this? I know he's single and he can do whatever he wants. But am I being too crazy by thinking that way? Sometimes I try to see the bigger picture and how I was the one who came up with the brilliant idea of dating other people, which hurt him a lot (he later told me).

 

There is no relationship. You need to get that. You both are not in a relationship. You have a relationship in your head, one you've manufactured based on breadcrumbs and a massive mind-***k.

 

You keep repeating that because you mentioned dating others, that is why you lost him because he was hurt. You need to stop blaming yourself. It could have been remedied. You both were broken up. You became FWBs. That means you anticipate, accept and are open to seeing/dating other people. You weren't together so he cannot hold that against you. If anything, he knows how you really feel about him. This is fixable. He doesn't want to fix it. If someone loves you and wants to be with you, they'll barrel through hell and high water to get you back. Instead, bunch of lame excuses, hot and cold power plays and manipulation. And not forgetting, he is poking around with another woman.

[Mariposa10]

There is no relationship. You need to get that. You both are not in a relationship. You have a relationship in your head, one you've manufactured based on breadcrumbs and a massive mind-***k.

 

You keep repeating that because you mentioned dating others, that is why you lost him because he was hurt. You need to stop blaming yourself. It could have been remedied. You both were broken up. You became FWBs. That means you anticipate, accept and are open to seeing/dating other people. You weren't together so he cannot hold that against you. If anything, he knows how you really feel about him. This is fixable. He doesn't want to fix it. If someone loves you and wants to be with you, they'll barrel through hell and high water to get you back. Instead, bunch of lame excuses, hot and cold power plays and manipulation. And not forgetting, he is poking around with another woman.

 

We were talking about getting back together OFFICIALLY when this thing with the girl started. As soon as this girl appeared I went crazy. I asked him to not talk to her, to get rid of her phone number. He agreed to do it, but the more controlling I got the more pissed off he got. One day (I still remember it was so sad) he told me., "you know what, I've been thinking about our situation I can't let you control me and give ultimatums. Even my friends have told me you don't have any right to tell me what to do. I was gonna stop talking to this girl but after how you have made me feel, I won't. Also, it's good for my job (sometimes they work together) and then he added "you bring me down." This entire situation is bringing me down. I don't want to lose you, but I can't let you control me.

 

I must admit I did go crazy like 2 or 3 times, but I was feeling soooo bad. I guess I will never know what would have happened if I had been more in control of my emotions.

 

I seriously don't know if we'll ever get to have a relationship now. Even if he's ready. Sometimes I really wish we could really just be friends. I wish there was a magic button we could press. The more time passes by, the more disappointed I feel. Like someone already said in this thread. What if he wants to do this in the future too. Will I be really able to trust him? I know I'm already picturing a relationship that might not even happen, but I can't help and ask myself these kinds of questions...

 

Please forgive me all if I keep bumping this thread, but I don't have ANYBODY to talk about this with.

Edited August 30, 2013 by Mariposa10

[Mariposa10]

The nightmare has started. The other day my ex's behavior was kind of weird, I think I called him right after he had had dinner with co-workers and this girl. When I asked him about the dinner, I felt like he didn't want to say much about it, he acted weird. I usually can tell when he's lying. It was very uncomfortable. Then he started bringing up some stupid/immature things I did in the past. In other words, that call was a complete mess. But an hour later or something he texted me, "thanks for calling me :)"

 

I don't know if I'm going crazy, but I swear, sometimes I wish he would call me and tell me, "you know what, things have been going really well with this girl I met, and things have gotten serious, etc." So I could just get him out of my life. I feel like I need the last push.

 

I have also thought about going to a CODA meeting, we have been together for almost 5 year, I am sure I can learn a thing or two from those meetings.

 

 

Anybody has some experience going to those meetings?

Edited September 1, 2013 by Mariposa10

[BC1980]

I think you need to do what I did and go NC. I was doing the same thing as you. I was telling myself that once my ex sells back the engagement ring, then it will be over, and I can go on with my life. Eventually, I was like f*ck that, I am doing what I want. I was letting him control me too much, even though it wasn't overt. Instead of taking charge, I was letting his actions control the relationship. I just calmly told him I needed space, and I would appreciate him not contacting me right now. I will contact him if I feel it necessary. To me, it's over and done with. It has run it's coarse for now. I'm not saying I'll never see him again because I don't know. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I will be doing what is right for myself from this point on.

 

You are doing the same thing with this girl he works with. You are wanting him to put the final nail in the coffin of the relationship instead of taking charge. Trust me, you will feel so much better if you ask for NC.

[BC1980]

We were talking about getting back together OFFICIALLY when this thing with the girl started. As soon as this girl appeared I went crazy. I asked him to not talk to her, to get rid of her phone number. He agreed to do it, but the more controlling I got the more pissed off he got. One day (I still remember it was so sad) he told me., "you know what, I've been thinking about our situation I can't let you control me and give ultimatums. Even my friends have told me you don't have any right to tell me what to do. I was gonna stop talking to this girl but after how you have made me feel, I won't. Also, it's good for my job (sometimes they work together) and then he added "you bring me down." This entire situation is bringing me down. I don't want to lose you, but I can't let you control me.

 

Ultimatums always backfire. It's just human psychology. People hate to feel controlled and will do the opposite. Here is how you give an ultimatum: you walk away and go NC. That is an ultimatum in and of itself but without all the drama.

 

I really think that NC is good for both of you right now. Just to rid yourself of the drama. Don't even call him. Just send a short, to the point email stating you would like NC, you wish the best, but this is something you need to do for yourself at this point in time. Don't say too much or get emotional. A small paragraph is sufficient.

[Mariposa10]

I think you need to do what I did and go NC. I was doing the same thing as you. I was telling myself that once my ex sells back the engagement ring, then it will be over, and I can go on with my life. Eventually, I was like f*ck that, I am doing what I want. I was letting him control me too much, even though it wasn't overt. Instead of taking charge, I was letting his actions control the relationship. I just calmly told him I needed space, and I would appreciate him not contacting me right now. I will contact him if I feel it necessary. To me, it's over and done with. It has run it's coarse for now. I'm not saying I'll never see him again because I don't know. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I will be doing what is right for myself from this point on.

 

You are doing the same thing with this girl he works with. You are wanting him to put the final nail in the coffin of the relationship instead of taking charge. Trust me, you will feel so much better if you ask for NC.

 

I hear what you're saying, I just don't want to be one of those people who in the future (in 2 years or something) will say I wish I had done this or that... I'm just giving him one more month. I can't doing this to myself any longer. I would wait for him, for years maybe, I wouldn't be in a hurry if there wasn't a third person. But there's one, so what kind of message am I sending him? It's really bad. This time I will not say anything I will just act. He's been acting a little bit weird (and it hurts a lot because it reminds me of when we broke up), so maybe one of these days he'll tell me something about this girl. If he keeps acting like this is because he's about to do say, something.

 

In my mind, I still have all those things he's said about this girl. I am starting to feel resentment towards him, something I hadn't felt before. Before I kind of understood why he did what he did, I took the blame, but right now I can't. Whatever he's doing with that girl only shows me that he doesn't love me enough to be with me. Now I can't stop thinking about how he once told me "the only reason we don't have a relationship sooner is because of this girl." Weeks later he tried to take that back, but it was too late. I feel like I'm finally starting to not only blame myself for this mess. I think today they are hanging out together...

[Mariposa10]

This is what I have been trying to do:

 

Your Ex Confused About His/Her Feelings For You? | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng

 

I'm getting myself ready to let go

[Simon Phoenix]

This is what I have been trying to do:

 

Your Ex Confused About His/Her Feelings For You? | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng

 

I'm getting myself ready to let go

 

You keep on pasting that article. It's just not a good idea to do what she suggested. Maybe after sizable NC it'd work, but I think that article is shortsighted and flawed.

[Mariposa10]

You keep on pasting that article. It's just not a good idea to do what she suggested. Maybe after sizable NC it'd work, but I think that article is shortsighted and flawed.

 

I really really like it. I think it shows maturity. It shows that you want to be in charge of your emotions. But most importantly, it teaches you that you also need to let go (which is my favorite part), if things don't work out the way you want to. It feels like it gives you time to understand what's happening, to see the big picture. PERSONALLY, This article has helped me a lot because at the very end I was becoming very controlling... I can't and don't want to be like that.

[Zahara]

I really really like it. I think it shows maturity. It shows that you want to be in charge of your emotions. But most importantly, it teaches you that you also need to let go (which is my favorite part), if things don't work out the way you want to. It feels like it gives you time to understand what's happening, to see the big picture. PERSONALLY, This article has helped me a lot because at the very end I was becoming very controlling... I can't and don't want to be like that.

 

Of course you like it. It gives you hope and it feeds your emotional fog. The thing is, it's just an article. An article that speaks of the exception. Exceptions are rare. Very. I remember reading this article a few years ago when my ex was doing the hot and cold and I was chasing him desperately. I held on to this woman's words. Unfortunately, it didn't go as I thought it would. Break-ups aren't about articles. They don't abide by a simple how-to. The best thing that i did for myself was NC. Simple, when someone wants to let you go, let them. If you can take anything from the article, it is to work on your issues and work on yourself. At the expense of risking your job because of this guy, that is an indication you need to help yourself before you do anyone else.

Edited September 3, 2013 by Zahara

[Mariposa10]

Of course you like it. It gives you hope and it feeds your emotional fog. The thing is, it's just an article. An article that speaks of the exception. Exceptions are rare. Very. I remember reading this article a few years ago when my ex was doing the hot and cold and I was chasing him desperately. I held on to this woman's words. Unfortunately, it didn't go as I thought it would. Break-ups aren't about articles. They don't abide by a simple how-to. The best thing that i did for myself was NC. Simple, when someone wants to let you go, let them. If you can take anything from the article, it is to work on your issues and work on yourself. At the expense of risking your job because of this guy, that is an indication you need to help yourself before you do anyone else.

 

 

Which job? I'm not risking my job. I actually pretend to be doing great all the time, I rarely talk about my ex and when I do I only do it with one friend. That's why I use this forum to vent. I don't think doing this works in every relationship. Mine was really long.... How long were you with your ex-boyfriend?

[Zahara]

Which job? I'm not risking my job. I actually pretend to be doing great all the time, I rarely talk about my ex and when I do I only do it with one friend. That's why I use this forum to vent. I don't think doing this works in every relationship. Mine was really long.... How long were you with your ex-boyfriend?

 

I remember you said your work was suffering because of your emotional state and you had to take time off? That's risking your wellbeing because this situation is causing you issues.

 

I was with my ex for four years.

[Mariposa10]

I remember you said your work was suffering because of your emotional state and you had to take time off? That's risking your wellbeing because this situation is causing you issues.

 

I was with my ex for four years.

 

 

That's what I thought, you're confusing me with this other woman. We do have a similar problem, so I see how you got all confused. But no, thank goodness, I don't have any problems with my job or at school. If it wasn't because of those two things I would be depressed. I try to keep busy as much as I can.

[Zahara]

That's what I thought, you're confusing me with this other woman. We do have a similar problem, so I see how you got all confused. But no, thank goodness, I don't have any problems with my job or at school. If it wasn't because of those two things I would be depressed. I try to keep busy as much as I can.

 

I'm sorry, yes it could be Linkworshipper that I may be confusing you with.

 

That aside, everything else still stands. NC is your best bet. Forget the article by the love doctor. It's only feeding your desire to cling on.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think the article has relevance if you want to contact an ex after you recovered. But in the early stages it's a completely disastrous idea. Look at how much your brain has turned into a pretzel in contacting your ex. Look at the angst you are going through in this thread. You wouldn't be dealing with nearly as much of this crap if you went NC.

 

You like the article because it tells you want you want to hear, that clinging to contact with an ex is a good thing. That's why you keep copying and pasting it in thread. We've all read it. Most of us will never agree with it in your situation. It's a bad idea, and this thread is perfect evidence of why. And LinkWorshipper is even worse -- she's on the verge of losing her job because she stubbornly tries to contact her ex at the expense of her emotional well-being.

 

NC is mature because it is an admission by the dumpee that they aren't in control. Admitting that you aren't in control is much more mature than trying to transparently put out an image of being in control when you aren't.

 

So yeah, I disagree with virtually everything you've said.

[BC1980]

4 months out, and I cannot stress enough how much better it would have been had I done NC and not responded to the first breadcrumb. Everyone will tell you similar experiences they have had. I really don't know of anyone who would say different on this forum. I never made a thread because I didn't want to hear the advice I knew would be given. People in my personal life gave me the same advice, but I stayed in LC because this guy was the king of bread crumbs.

 

I realized you have to cut them out for your sanity.

[BC1980]

Oh and about the article, letting them go means going NC. It meant that in my case for sure. You have to cut your losses at some point. I think your case really warrants NC.

[Mariposa10]

Thanks guys for all the feedback. I feel like I'm gonna be ready really soon. Today I even started thinking if I were to start dating who my options would be. I'm actually excited about meeting new people!!