Col1 Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 What may have worked for them may not work in the future. Even Gandhi himself said "Discard what no longer has a purpose in the present." Arranged marriages had a positive purpose when our parents were growing up. It merged families together. It may have helped with some financial issues.It may have helped elevate status. It may have kept two good female mothers best friends for life. With all of the opportunities for love out there and how all of the women are becoming financially secure on their own, it's not necessary to resort to an arranged marriage.I wasn't encouraging the OP to go into an arranged marriage. Rather: try to understand parents and find common ground. Takes a lot of communication. Family is worth it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Seductive Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I wasn't encouraging the OP to go into an arranged marriage. Rather: try to understand parents and find common ground. Takes a lot of communication. Family is worth it. I understand where they're coming from too, and I don't advise the OP to cut ties or be mean. She can still stand her ground, while being loving and respecting their views. Respecting someone's views doesn't mean you have to follow it. Link to post Share on other sites
MrRightNow Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I'm Pakistani so I'm familiar with arranged marriages. Most marriages in our community are arranged or semi-arranged. I'm not sure how it works among Indian-American families. If your parents wanted you to meet some guy and get to know him, would you have the final say or is it ultimately up to your parents? The way it works among most Pakistanis in the US is the family of the guy will make a proposal to the girl's parents, and then there is a "courtship" period where the two of you get to know each other (go on dates, talk on the phone etc). The final decision is up to the children, not the parents. I'd say about 60 percent of marriages in the Pakistani community here are semi-arranged this way. 20 percent are your typical "love" marriages where the parents don't play any role, and 20 percent can be considered "forced" marriages, in which the girl has no say at all in the matter. Is your boyfriend Indian and if so, would your parents approve of him? This reminds me, a couple of years ago, one of my close friends who is a Sikh suddenly dumped his long-time girlfriend (Hindu), went on a trip to India, and married some girl he'd never met before. He did all this without telling any of us, because he knew it was messed up. His parents didn't approve of her because she wasn't a Sikh and my friend, a grown ass 30-year-old man, gave in without a fight. So I can understand how much pressure you must be under. Good luck to you whatever you decide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Seductive Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 (edited) I'm Pakistani so I'm familiar with arranged marriages. Most marriages in our community are arranged or semi-arranged. I'm not sure how it works among Indian-American families. If your parents wanted you to meet some guy and get to know him, would you have the final say or is it ultimately up to your parents? The way it works among most Pakistanis in the US is the family of the guy will make a proposal to the girl's parents, and then there is a "courtship" period where the two of you get to know each other (go on dates, talk on the phone etc). The final decision is up to the children, not the parents. I'd say about 60 percent of marriages in the Pakistani community here are semi-arranged this way. 20 percent are your typical "love" marriages where the parents don't play any role, and 20 percent can be considered "forced" marriages, in which the girl has no say at all in the matter. Is your boyfriend Indian and if so, would your parents approve of him? This reminds me, a couple of years ago, one of my close friends who is a Sikh suddenly dumped his long-time girlfriend (Hindu), went on a trip to India, and married some girl he'd never met before. He did all this without telling any of us, because he knew it was messed up. His parents didn't approve of her because she wasn't a Sikh and my friend, a grown ass 30-year-old man, gave in without a fight. So I can understand how much pressure you must be under. Good luck to you whatever you decide. Most of the Indian-American families I know aren't that extreme as the OP's, but I'm sure some of them like hers exist. In my circle, most Indian parents are okay with their grown 20-something kids having boyfriends and girlfriends AS LONG as there is a future. Some parents have even tolerated non-Indian partners. My parents were against me dating non-Indians, but learned to finally loosen up. If someone does have an arranged marriage, it's usually their choice. Even my cousins in India married their college boyfriend. Edited August 6, 2013 by Seductive 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MrRightNow Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 ^^^^ Yeah, most of the Indian girls at my university were dating guys, mainly Indian guys. I think some of them were trying to find a suitable husband before their parents flew in some freshie from India 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jasper123 Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 When your parents introduce you to someone, do you go out on a few dates get to know them, do you get a chance to say no, this person's not for me. Can you say no multiple times or is it merely someone turns up at your front door and you have to marry them as this does not seem a fair option to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheInfamousCookie Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 When your parents introduce you to someone, do you go out on a few dates get to know them, do you get a chance to say no, this person's not for me. Can you say no multiple times or is it merely someone turns up at your front door and you have to marry them as this does not seem a fair option to me. It's more of a meeting that is arranged on our compatibility based on our stars. They will bring the guy and let us talk, but even if I say no to the person, I am positive they will try to persuade me to go with it because as my parents, they know "whats best". I cant date, even if the guy is Indian. The guy I am seeing right now is half Cuban and half Italian. Link to post Share on other sites
Lei Ping Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 It's more of a meeting that is arranged on our compatibility based on our stars. They will bring the guy and let us talk, but even if I say no to the person, I am positive they will try to persuade me to go with it because as my parents, they know "whats best". I cant date, even if the guy is Indian. The guy I am seeing right now is half Cuban and half Italian. You are Young. You worry too much. Spend less time worrying and more time enjoying your journey through life. Once your youth is gone it will never return so make as many care-free and happy memories as you can. It's good to see a good Girl with traditional values and respect for her Parents and their wishes but it would be even better if we could imagine you smiling. Don't worry. Your Mother wants you to be happy but she can't live your life for you. You must decide for yourself which path is in your best interest. You will have to spend the rest of your life living with the results. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MrRightNow Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 It's more of a meeting that is arranged on our compatibility based on our stars. They will bring the guy and let us talk, but even if I say no to the person, I am positive they will try to persuade me to go with it because as my parents, they know "whats best". I cant date, even if the guy is Indian. Wow that sucks. I can't imagine how awkward a meeting like that would be for both the guy and the girl. You obviously have to risk breaking your parents' hearts and do what's best for your future happiness. I think there's a decent chance they'll forgive you a few years down the road. If not, then the estrangement will be their fault for having such a backwards mentality and being stubborn. My sister's lucky our parents aren't strict and she's free to marry whoever she wants. Both of us date mainly white people (me openly, her secretly), and there's a good chance my sister will end up marrying a white guy. I know my parents would be disappointed and possibly embarrassed, but they would accept her decision. Some of our distant relatives in Pakistan would probably shun her though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 Your parents are doing what they feel is best for you. It comes from a place of love. Your way of thinking is foreign to them. And that is scary. They came to a country that is (possibly) corrupting your family's traditions. This brings up fear in them and causes them to say threats. They are frightened. They are only looking out for your well-being. I think that "love" is an excuse overbearing parents use, as a reason to control their adult children's lives. Parents who love their children show them respect and that includes refraining from manipulation and meddling. My parents hate the fact that I live for my OWN approval instead of theirs. Link to post Share on other sites
Seductive Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 Wow that sucks. I can't imagine how awkward a meeting like that would be for both the guy and the girl. Yeah, I have tried that "scenario". It sounds easy, but you have both parents' sides breathing down your neck wanting to know what your every word and move. Not to mention that a lot of Indian men are dating someone secretly. A parent will tell my parent, "My son is single and will contact your daughter." When there's no contact, we find out that he had a white girlfriend the whole time. These arranged marriages may have worked out in the past, but things have changed so much. Link to post Share on other sites
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