Arrange Marriage or get disowned

[Els]

Two more years to go! And an undergrad degree in engineering

 

Yeah, definitely finish that up first. Lots of good prospects with that.

[Seductive]

You got a lot of good advice here, OP. Remember that someone can only control you if you let them. The biggest issue right now is having the courage to break free from emotional blackmail and guilt. I always wondered how some people were able to easily set boundaries with their parents as if it was making a cup of tea. You will get there though, if you really want your own life.

 

It really is up to us young Indian women to set the new path. Our parents are only doing what they know. When I was your age, I would have never dreamed that I would have the freedom and independence that I have now. I'm here where I am today, because someone helped me learn how to have my own power.

[TheInfamousCookie]

You got a lot of good advice here, OP. Remember that someone can only control you if you let them. The biggest issue right now is having the courage to break free from emotional blackmail and guilt. I always wondered how some people were able to easily set boundaries with their parents as if it was making a cup of tea. You will get there though, if you really want your own life.

 

It really is up to us young Indian women to set the new path. Our parents are only doing what they know. When I was your age, I would have never dreamed that I would have the freedom and independence that I have now. I'm here where I am today, because someone helped me learn how to have my own power.

 

 

You're Indian as well? Do you mind if I ask if you too have been disowned, like I was? Or did your parents start talking to you again after a while? When it comes to my mom, the slightest issue is enough to get her started on lectures and get her upset, i.e. not being awake by 6:30 or coming home an hour late (2 pm instead of 1pm)

[Seductive]

You're Indian as well? Do you mind if I ask if you too have been disowned, like I was? Or did your parents start talking to you again after a while? When it comes to my mom, the slightest issue is enough to get her started on lectures and get her upset, i.e. not being awake by 6:30 or coming home an hour late (2 pm instead of 1pm)

 

Yes, I'm Indian. No, my parents didn't disown me. I wanted to type more,but my iPhone keeps messing up.

Edited July 23, 2013 by Seductive

[TheInfamousCookie]

Yes, I'm Indian. No, my parents didn't disown me. I wanted to type more,but my iPhone keeps messing up.

 

Well I'm glad you're still with your parents Hopefully, I will get through it

[Nyla]

I live in the states. Have lived here for a long time now.

 

You have my sympathies. I came from a very strict and sexist West Indian background. My parents told me that they would never speak to me again if I eloped, instead of letting my mother take over my wedding. I eloped anyway and while my parents did cut me off for a while out of hurt, they soon got over it. I know that despite the fact that you live in the U.S, your parents have taken their customs and expect you to follow them, even though you are American.

 

I was a scapegoat too; my youngest brother is the golden child. Mothers are often much harder on their daughters than their sons, even without sexist cultural conditioning. My mother has a lot of regrets about the mistakes she made with me, especially since I turned out far better than the cousins she used to compare me to.

 

Finish school, get a job and move out. Your parents will have to accept that you are not living wherever they are from and you are a grown woman. Sure, it will be hard to be labelled as a "rebellious and bad" daughter and pressured by family to give in but that is the cost of freedom sometimes. I left home much earlier than I should have because I was tired of being stifled and treated like a slave, while watching my brothers have fun like normal young people in their clothes which I washed.

[Els]

You have my sympathies. I came from a very strict and sexist West Indian background. My parents told me that they would never speak to me again if I eloped, instead of letting my mother take over my wedding. I eloped anyway and while my parents did cut me off for a while out of hurt, they soon got over it. I know that despite the fact that you live in the U.S, your parents have taken their customs and expect you to follow them, even though you are American.

 

I was a scapegoat too; my youngest brother is the golden child. Mothers are often much harder on their daughters than their sons, even without sexist cultural conditioning. My mother has a lot of regrets about the mistakes she made with me, especially since I turned out far better than the cousins she used to compare me to.

 

Finish school, get a job and move out. Your parents will have to accept that you are not living wherever they are from and you are a grown woman. Sure, it will be hard to be labelled as a "rebellious and bad" daughter and pressured by family to give in but that is the cost of freedom sometimes. I left home much earlier than I should have because I was tired of being stifled and treated like a slave, while watching my brothers have fun like normal young people in their clothes which I washed.

 

Ouch. Sorry to hear this, Nyla.

 

I'm not Indian and did not have any brothers, nor do I think my parents would have treated me worse than them. Still, I'm Asian, and they were far more over-protective and possessive than they should have been.

 

I definitely agree with everything you say, especially with the part where they 'got over it'. I think many of us, out of guilt of our upbringing, tend to overestimate our parents' reactions to us living our own life. When I learnt to simply assert my own life decisions like an adult rather than argue and ask permission like a child, I realized that despite all their outbursts, the aftermath was never as bad as I expected.

 

I hope things work out for the OP.

[Radu]

Looking back at the marriages i know of, i noticed something interesting.

Those same ppl who pressure you in making the decision they want to see of you, be it arranged marriage, marriage before you are too old, or other forms of such pressure ... are not the ones who pay the price.

 

And even if you later on call them out on it, for their bad and shi*ty advice, they will always be the ones to show that it's either a complete fu*kup by you, or that you were not strong enough to make your own decision.

They absolve themselves of the guilt, while you are stuck with that crappy situation.

 

So unless this arranged marriage of theirs actually works, you are going to end up paying the price long after they are gone ...

 

So if you are bound to risk losing something, at least make it your decision because it's done on your time and dime.

[Els]

And even if you later on call them out on it, for their bad and shi*ty advice, they will always be the ones to show that it's either a complete fu*kup by you, or that you were not strong enough to make your own decision.

They absolve themselves of the guilt, while you are stuck with that crappy situation.

 

Excellent point. This doesn't only apply to marriage, IMO, but in any sort of major life decision that they try to control.

[Seductive]

Looking back at the marriages i know of, i noticed something interesting.

Those same ppl who pressure you in making the decision they want to see of you, be it arranged marriage, marriage before you are too old, or other forms of such pressure ... are not the ones who pay the price.

 

And even if you later on call them out on it, for their bad and shi*ty advice, they will always be the ones to show that it's either a complete fu*kup by you, or that you were not strong enough to make your own decision.

They absolve themselves of the guilt, while you are stuck with that crappy situation.

 

So unless this arranged marriage of theirs actually works, you are going to end up paying the price long after they are gone ...

 

So if you are bound to risk losing something, at least make it your decision because it's done on your time and dime.

 

 

Agreed 100%. If I ended up in an arranged marriage with a jerk, guess who will be blamed? Not my parents. ME!

 

 

I will admit that I almost fell into the arranged marriage trap, because my mom would plant seeds of doubt on how I can't find anyone on my own. Then, we actually start to believe that. It's very unfortunate that so many Indian women are made to feel worthless if they aren't married. These women then reek of desperation, which turns off men even more.

Edited July 24, 2013 by Seductive

[Nyla]

Ouch. Sorry to hear this, Nyla.

 

I'm not Indian and did not have any brothers, nor do I think my parents would have treated me worse than them. Still, I'm Asian, and they were far more over-protective and possessive than they should have been.

 

I definitely agree with everything you say, especially with the part where they 'got over it'. I think many of us, out of guilt of our upbringing, tend to overestimate our parents' reactions to us living our own life. When I learnt to simply assert my own life decisions like an adult rather than argue and ask permission like a child, I realized that despite all their outbursts, the aftermath was never as bad as I expected.

 

I hope things work out for the OP.

 

My parents provided material comforts and love, but it was the kind of love that came with too many strings attached.

 

Parents threaten to cut kids off or kick them out as a way to gain the upper hand. They lose their false sense of power when the kids call their bluff. My parents threatened to kick me out for staying out late and dating like a normal young person, instead of having just one boyfriend my whole life. They begged me to stay once I finally said "Okay, if that is what you want and I can't follow your crazy rules, away I go. Goodbye."

[TheInfamousCookie]

You have my sympathies. I came from a very strict and sexist West Indian background. My parents told me that they would never speak to me again if I eloped, instead of letting my mother take over my wedding. I eloped anyway and while my parents did cut me off for a while out of hurt, they soon got over it. I know that despite the fact that you live in the U.S, your parents have taken their customs and expect you to follow them, even though you are American.

 

I was a scapegoat too; my youngest brother is the golden child. Mothers are often much harder on their daughters than their sons, even without sexist cultural conditioning. My mother has a lot of regrets about the mistakes she made with me, especially since I turned out far better than the cousins she used to compare me to.

 

Finish school, get a job and move out. Your parents will have to accept that you are not living wherever they are from and you are a grown woman. Sure, it will be hard to be labelled as a "rebellious and bad" daughter and pressured by family to give in but that is the cost of freedom sometimes. I left home much earlier than I should have because I was tired of being stifled and treated like a slave, while watching my brothers have fun like normal young people in their clothes which I washed.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that. For me, I don't know when school will finish since I plan on going to medical school as well. I would hope that everything turns out fine with me as well. One of my other concerns is my puppy, who has a sibling in the house. If I go, I'm supposed to take her with me, but I don't want to cut her off from HER brother simply because of my decision as well. They've been together since birth. It's a silly reason I know, but it's another thing that worries me. And I feel guilty as well because there are times when my mother IS sweet and normal and when I see that, I immediately feel guilty about my decision..

[TheInfamousCookie]

My parents provided material comforts and love, but it was the kind of love that came with too many strings attached.

 

Parents threaten to cut kids off or kick them out as a way to gain the upper hand. They lose their false sense of power when the kids call their bluff. My parents threatened to kick me out for staying out late and dating like a normal young person, instead of having just one boyfriend my whole life. They begged me to stay once I finally said "Okay, if that is what you want and I can't follow your crazy rules, away I go. Goodbye."

 

Did you ever get back in contact with them? Or are you still on bad terms with them? For me, I never had just one boyfriend. I learnt something from every relationship I was in, and I retained my virginity through every single relationship as well because it had been ingrained into my thoughts that if you are NOT a virgin, no one will marry you

[TheInfamousCookie]

Looking back at the marriages i know of, i noticed something interesting.

Those same ppl who pressure you in making the decision they want to see of you, be it arranged marriage, marriage before you are too old, or other forms of such pressure ... are not the ones who pay the price.

 

And even if you later on call them out on it, for their bad and shi*ty advice, they will always be the ones to show that it's either a complete fu*kup by you, or that you were not strong enough to make your own decision.

They absolve themselves of the guilt, while you are stuck with that crappy situation.

 

So unless this arranged marriage of theirs actually works, you are going to end up paying the price long after they are gone ...

 

So if you are bound to risk losing something, at least make it your decision because it's done on your time and dime.

 

I agree with you. Should I marry someone I want, it could go bad or good and that would be on ME. I want to pick my husband based on how much I know about him, based on all the time I have spent with him, not just some random guy off the internet who has interesting qualifications.

[Seductive]

Did you ever get back in contact with them? Or are you still on bad terms with them? For me, I never had just one boyfriend. I learnt something from every relationship I was in, and I retained my virginity through every single relationship as well because it had been ingrained into my thoughts that if you are NOT a virgin, no one will marry you

 

 

I have been told this too, but I have met men FROM INDIA that say that they don't care about virginity. It depends on the person. I would say our culture is much more focused on virginity than Americans are. Do what you feel is right. Good for you for being able to hold your dignity in all relationships. You have self-control, and your parents should be proud of that.

[TheInfamousCookie]

I have been told this too, but I have met men FROM INDIA that say that they don't care about virginity. It depends on the person. I would say our culture is much more focused on virginity than Americans are. Do what you feel is right. Good for you for being able to hold your dignity in all relationships. You have self-control, and your parents should be proud of that.

 

Thanks I will keep it in mind. I have two more years to endure and the thought of leaving gets me through all the bitch fests she holds towards me

[Seductive]

TheInfamousCookie-

 

If it makes you feel better, my mom was very much like yours. She was also very emotionally and verbally abusive. Therapists told me that my mom was a classic case of narcissistic personality disorder. At my age now, her and I get along very well. She is nothing but supportive and respectful. I'm still unmarried, but she as learned to back off. A lot of Indians now these days aren't getting married until after 30. I know two very successful and attractive women that got married at 36, and one of them had a dream wedding in Hawaii!

 

When you're in your 20's, Indian moms think we are children and will try to scare us. Once we reach 30 and up, they start to relax a bit. You never know that your mom might lighten up later on. I have been recommended by others to sever ties with my family, but I think it's a big mistake. Indian parents are always there to help us, when nobody else is. I've had friends come and go in my life, but my mom will always be there when I'm in need. I have now forgiven my mom for all of the mistakes she has done. I know she loves me and wants to see me happy.

 

I hope that helps. Keep your head up! You're doing great.

[TheInfamousCookie]

TheInfamousCookie-

 

If it makes you feel better, my mom was very much like yours. She was also very emotionally and verbally abusive. Therapists told me that my mom was a classic case of narcissistic personality disorder. At my age now, her and I get along very well. She is nothing but supportive and respectful. I'm still unmarried, but she as learned to back off. A lot of Indians now these days aren't getting married until after 30. I know two very successful and attractive women that got married at 36, and one of them had a dream wedding in Hawaii!

 

When you're in your 20's, Indian moms think we are children and will try to scare us. Once we reach 30 and up, they start to relax a bit. You never know that your mom might lighten up later on. I have been recommended by others to sever ties with my family, but I think it's a big mistake. Indian parents are always there to help us, when nobody else is. I've had friends come and go in my life, but my mom will always be there when I'm in need. I have now forgiven my mom for all of the mistakes she has done. I know she loves me and wants to see me happy.

 

I hope that helps. Keep your head up! You're doing great.

 

I see what you mean. There are times that my mother and I do get along, but we also have a TON of conflict with each other. I'm around 20 right now and she is already talking about how I need to learn how to cook "properly" because otherwise my in-laws will get upset and will lecture me and what now. My parents HAVE always been there for me but I do NOT like how she's so controlling. I've always wanted to just leave because I feel like she is trying to live her life through mines, by making me do all the things she wished she could have done. Often, I feel like she is holding me back. I guess I could say there is a certain resentment in my heart against her, specifically.

[Seductive]

I see what you mean. There are times that my mother and I do get along, but we also have a TON of conflict with each other. I'm around 20 right now and she is already talking about how I need to learn how to cook "properly" because otherwise my in-laws will get upset and will lecture me and what now. My parents HAVE always been there for me but I do NOT like how she's so controlling. I've always wanted to just leave because I feel like she is trying to live her life through mines, by making me do all the things she wished she could have done. Often, I feel like she is holding me back. I guess I could say there is a certain resentment in my heart against her, specifically.

 

That's understandable. Being controlled is supposed to feel upsetting. I'm not saying what your mom is doing is normal or excusable. Like others have said, you do have the option of not allowing her to control you. You're in a good spot. Work your way up with your education and you will be free someday. I don't know how your mom will turn out, but I'm giving you a personal example of what can happen.

 

If your mom is so obsessed with cooking, take a cooking class or learn from youtube. I wasn't taught how to cook, and I learned to do my own thing. Cooking isn't as difficult as people make it seem. You can do it.

Edited August 2, 2013 by Seductive

[TheInfamousCookie]

That's understandable. Being controlled is supposed to feel upsetting. I'm not saying what your mom is doing is normal or excusable. Like others have said, you do have the option of not allowing her to control you. You're in a good spot. Work your way up with your education and you will be free someday. I don't know how your mom will turn out, but I'm giving you a personal example of what can happen.

 

If your mom is so obsessed with cooking, take a cooking class or learn from youtube. I wasn't taught how to cook, and I learned to do my own thing. Cooking isn't as difficult as people make it seem. You can do it.

 

I do cook quite well. Just not to her standards. I made a thread in the family section as at this point, it's more of venting about my mother than anything.

[Lei Ping]

I do cook quite well. Just not to her standards. I made a thread in the family section as at this point, it's more of venting about my mother than anything.

Your Mom will never cast you out of her life. That would eliminate her manipulative powers over you and she will never relinquish those. Do what makes you happy, she will come to accept your decisions.

[TheInfamousCookie]

Your Mom will never cast you out of her life. That would eliminate her manipulative powers over you and she will never relinquish those. Do what makes you happy, she will come to accept your decisions.

 

I hope so. I really do. But she's trying to control what I do with my life. Which test I take for graduate school and which field I go in. It's getting harder here for me

[Col1]

Your parents are doing what they feel is best for you. It comes from a place of love. Your way of thinking is foreign to them. And that is scary. They came to a country that is (possibly) corrupting your family's traditions. This brings up fear in them and causes them to say threats. They are frightened. They are only looking out for your well-being.

[Seductive]

Your parents are doing what they feel is best for you. It comes from a place of love. Your way of thinking is foreign to them. And that is scary. They came to a country that is (possibly) corrupting your family's traditions. This brings up fear in them and causes them to say threats. They are frightened. They are only looking out for your well-being.

 

What may have worked for them may not work in the future. Even Gandhi himself said "Discard what no longer has a purpose in the present."

 

 

Arranged marriages had a positive purpose when our parents were growing up. It merged families together. It may have helped with some financial issues.It may have helped elevate status. It may have kept two good female mothers best friends for life. With all of the opportunities for love out there and how all of the women are becoming financially secure on their own, it's not necessary to resort to an arranged marriage.

[aussietigerwolf]

She won't disown you for very long. my mum tried the do what I want or be disowned stuff. North Irish culture though so why she thought id meekly submit I don't know... Point is her disowning me only lasted a few weeks.