My mother

[2sure]

Even though not the ideal approach, I find it sweet that she did it for you.

[tbf]

How did I miss this thread entirely? Must have been during my "bad girl" time. I'm so sorry and am sincerely glad that you've managed to mediate some form of compromise for everyone.

 

You're an amazing woman, Taramere. Never doubt it!

[Taramere]

How did I miss this thread entirely? Must have been during my "bad girl" time. I'm so sorry and am sincerely glad that you've managed to mediate some form of compromise for everyone.

 

You're an amazing woman, Taramere. Never doubt it!

 

Thank you so much tbf. I think the problem with this section is that people don't tend to read it very much. The dating and rants sections tend to be the focus - but boy, there's nothing like family to hit you where it hurts! Mediating family disputes is particularly fraught. In this one, the advice on the board to stay out of it was sound - but of course the problem was that my dad was continually asking me to step in and sort it out. I don't know if he thought I had some sort of magic peacemaker wand that I was just being too stubborn to use!

 

It's far from resolved, but what I've told my mum is that she has to accept that there are these tensions and even if she thinks it's rude that my SIL sometimes leaves the room for a while when she and my dad are visiting, my SIL is entitled to do what she needs to do, even if it seems a bit anti-social, to handle the tensions. Especially when she's going through a rough time. Those tensions are never going to go away, but I'm hoping that my mum will learn to accept that family relationships can be maintained notwithstanding some tensions.

[tbf]

Thank you so much tbf. I think the problem with this section is that people don't tend to read it very much. The dating and rants sections tend to be the focus - but boy, there's nothing like family to hit you where it hurts! Mediating family disputes is particularly fraught. In this one, the advice on the board to stay out of it was sound - but of course the problem was that my dad was continually asking me to step in and sort it out. I don't know if he thought I had some sort of magic peacemaker wand that I was just being too stubborn to use!

Sounds like an older generation belief that it's up to the women in the family to nurture relationship issues.

 

It's far from resolved, but what I've told my mum is that she has to accept that there are these tensions and even if she thinks it's rude that my SIL sometimes leaves the room for a while when she and my dad are visiting, my SIL is entitled to do what she needs to do, even if it seems a bit anti-social, to handle the tensions. Especially when she's going through a rough time. Those tensions are never going to go away, but I'm hoping that my mum will learn to accept that family relationships can be maintained notwithstanding some tensions.

Unfortunately, your mother doesn't realize her impact on others and can't accept that her mannerisms aren't going to create the levels of comfort necessary to relieve tensions. This isn't something you can infuse into her but I can sincerely respect how far you've mediated this issue and how much further you're trying, to ensure everyone's emotions are being considered.

 

Just don't burn yourself out for everyone. Remember the Karpman Triangle. ((hugs))

[Taramere]

Sounds like an older generation belief that it's up to the women in the family to nurture relationship issues.

 

I know. To an extent it's my own fault as I've tended to step willingly into that mediator role since my twenties. Now it's expected of me.

 

Unfortunately, your mother doesn't realize her impact on others and can't accept that her mannerisms aren't going to create the levels of comfort necessary to relieve tensions.

 

You've hit the nail on the head. That's a big part of the problem. She always blames the tensions on other people, but I suspect there's a part of her that thinks "what is it about me that creates tension?" After she called my brother I hugged her. Sadly, it was like hugging a corpse. She was completely unresponsive. My niece, who is very tactile, avoids hugging her - and I think it's precisely because of this.

 

This isn't something you can infuse into her but I can sincerely respect how far you've mediated this issue and how much further you're trying, to ensure everyone's emotions are being considered.

 

Just don't burn yourself out for everyone. Remember the Karpman Triangle. ((hugs))

 

Too right! Thanks, tbf

[masonlikethejar]

This is something I can sort of relate to in that my mother can be extremely vitriolic and mean spirited. My reaction (and I believe this really is something that stems from that) is always to "kill 'em with kindness."

 

You mentioned that people have said that you come off as distant or cold. Maybe if you self reflect a little when you're around your mother you can catch yourself doing things that may appear that way and stop yourself from coming off that way.

 

Above all else, kindness and positivity so overwhelming all the time when you are around will probably squash out her negativity if only for a while. When you are around her and she starts in with her pessimism and vitriol you can simply A. Change the subject to something way more positive like "Isn't this weather absolutely wonderful?" etc. B. Redirect her pessimism and try and channel it into positivity by just flat out exposing it for what it is. "Mom you are always so negative! Cheer up, life is beautiful!" etc. or C. Recommend she get counseling.

 

It sounds like the counseling thing is most likely out of the question. You said yourself that she's just been this way so long it's unlikely she will change. If you show her constant empathy, support and love, I would think that her attitude may change when you're around over time. Maybe not, but in all of my life experiences I've always noticed that unconditional love that is truly shown always trumps negativity. Not to mention it will at least help her cope with a very difficult situation that she is going through. This scenario could be different but this is my advice and I'm sticking to it.

 

Regardless, I am sure it's hard to go through all of this, and I sincerely wish you the best of luck and hope that all of this works itself out.

[Taramere]

This is something I can sort of relate to in that my mother can be extremely vitriolic and mean spirited. My reaction (and I believe this really is something that stems from that) is always to "kill 'em with kindness."

 

You mentioned that people have said that you come off as distant or cold. Maybe if you self reflect a little when you're around your mother you can catch yourself doing things that may appear that way and stop yourself from coming off that way.

 

I asked my brother whether he thought I was like our mum. I feel uncomfortable about some of the stuff I've said on this thread now, because he was really warm and positive about me - ie said he thinks I'm a very warm, caring person. I don't tend to take dislikes to people unless I feel disliked by them, and then I can be chilly - but it's not something I'll keep up unless the person is consistently unpleasant.

 

Above all else, kindness and positivity so overwhelming all the time when you are around will probably squash out her negativity if only for a while. When you are around her and she starts in with her pessimism and vitriol you can simply A. Change the subject to something way more positive like "Isn't this weather absolutely wonderful?" etc. B. Redirect her pessimism and try and channel it into positivity by just flat out exposing it for what it is. "Mom you are always so negative! Cheer up, life is beautiful!" etc. or C. Recommend she get counseling.

 

Yes, I think that's great advice. I certainly do try to switch the subject to something more positive or distract her. That said, I'm going to confess that sometimes I do enjoy a damn good bitching/venting session - and as you can imagine, my mother is always happily available for that. What I try not to do is make my brother or SIL the subject of that. She can sometimes me unpleasant about her grand-daughter (my niece, obviously) but has learned that that is an absolute no-no with me.

 

I did have quite an emotional heart to heart with her the other day, explaining how I can feel upset and quite sick inside when she's demonstrating a lack of compassion to others, and how I don't understand it when she's such a great, supportive mother to me. That did seem to strike home with her - and I think she's definitely trying, for my sake, which is really quite something.

 

It sounds like the counseling thing is most likely out of the question. You said yourself that she's just been this way so long it's unlikely she will change. If you show her constant empathy, support and love, I would think that her attitude may change when you're around over time. Maybe not, but in all of my life experiences I've always noticed that unconditional love that is truly shown always trumps negativity. Not to mention it will at least help her cope with a very difficult situation that she is going through. This scenario could be different but this is my advice and I'm sticking to it.

 

Regardless, I am sure it's hard to go through all of this, and I sincerely wish you the best of luck and hope that all of this works itself out.

 

Thank you so much, mason. It's just family drama really, isn't it? So many people have drama of some type or another in their families - and I've certainly been finding that out in the course of confiding with friends, most of whom have their own tales to tell. I do feel sad that two of the most important people in my life who should be a source of love and support to eachother, have reached this point where it's a huge effort for them to be even halfway civil to eachother. But, my mother is trying - which is huge.

[Emilia]

I feel uncomfortable about some of the stuff I've said on this thread now, because he was really warm and positive about me

Don't feel uncomfortable, most of us understand that feelings and behaviour are fluid and fluctuate.