Author dee85 Posted July 20, 2013 Author Share Posted July 20, 2013 Dee, you remember his anger and the few words he said, you ran after him from lying position on a table with his mate between your legs, you remember him throwing you to the floor but you don't remember the sex or how loud you might have been to cause your husband to come out and investigate. I have a hard time buying it but you did it, your still a drunk until you deal with that and most likely things like this will continue to happen to you until you do. Tell your husband every couple of hours just what your plan is. Tell him where you are at all times and book independent counseling right now. It's just images in my head... not scenes... I wish I had smallest idea what was going on. Belive or not, I do want to change, I'm working on it. Can't prove him much yet as it's only been few days. I'm type of person that learns on mistakes. I DON'T WANT IT TO HAPPEN EVER AGAIN. Ever. His pain and broken hart are not worth drinking. This is when i got to the bottom. Can't get any lower. I do want to get up and hopefully his hand will be waiting for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dee85 Posted July 20, 2013 Author Share Posted July 20, 2013 (edited) To me you could have been Mother Teresa before you cheated and afterwards you're just another girl who I was once with. Past deeds don't negate current failures; especially not one this big. You'll get over it in time. Best wishes on your journey to heal. I know. I just can't understand what went through my head then... In the end you're only as good as your last game... Edited July 20, 2013 by dee85 Link to post Share on other sites
ChasingCars Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 I believe OP. Her story is coming across jumbled to some because she is upset while she is writing and some things are running together. Years ago I experienced a black out drunk state like what she is explaining with the flashes and such. In my case, I allowed myself to get drunk, stupidly thinking that because I was with a female friend and we were alone that it would be fine. The friend turned out to be no friend, indeed. Mostly Op, I just want you to know I believe you and I also believe it was rape. People will blame you for getting too drunk, wearing the wrong clothes, making stupid choices, etc, etc. It will happen. Take accountability for what better choices you can make in the future, get some counseling. We can choose to not put ourselves into dangerous situations. With that said, it doesn't negate what he did to you. You may be guilty of some things but he owns what he did to you as well. I'd report it to your counselor if nothing else and see what she advises. As far as things go with your SO, this is a very long hard road no matter what happens. I wish you the best and please get some professional assistance- we are all just random opinionated and often times biased people on the internet of which some have their own personal agendas. Don't put too much stock in us, go see someone. Wishing you the best possible outcome. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HEY2147 Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 So hows it going with you two any progress? Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 I did say it few times - it's my fault. Not trying to justify it. I just gave you my story. Said how it was - it does not make much sense as I do not remember much. I wish I could, so I could understand what actually happened, before, durnig and after... I'm the only one to blame and I know it. I'm going through hell so don't want to think what he's going through. I hate myself for hurting him in this way. I've always been behind him, making sure he's got everything that he wants and needs. SUpported when work wasn't going great. And then I just torn his hart.. But mine is bleeding as well - I won't be able to forget what I've done and how much pain I've caused him. I feel like I'm standing on the edge and there's nothing to hold on to... And I guess there isn't But I still have hope, mother of fools and madmen. p.s. I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me. Just saying how it is I think the most important question is what is what your husband wants.... have you talked to him? Is he willing to communicate with you? Why the hell do you guy let a guy in your house who has tried to have sex with you when you were drunk already? This part is really messing with my mind... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 I think the most important question is what is what your husband wants.... have you talked to him? Is he willing to communicate with you? Why the hell do you guy let a guy in your house who has tried to have sex with you when you were drunk already? This part is really messing with my mind... I don't understand this part either. Why on earth would the husband even want to hang out with this guy again if he actually knows he's already tried to sleep with his wife? I can't name a single man who'd continue the friendship in that case, let alone invite him drinking with his wife and then leaving them alone together? That doesn't make sense. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 21, 2013 Share Posted July 21, 2013 (edited) Dee, don't you see the really big problem? First time POS was all over you, you said you went and woke your husband which means you didn't go to bed with him but instead you stayed up drinking with his pal. This time you said your husband went to bed but again you chose not to but stayed up drinking alone with his pal until you passed out. Isn't it becoming obvious to you, you chose to stay up drinking with OM instead of turning in with your husband, why? You must of wanted something to happen because you kept putting yourself in a risky position with a known predator. How do you just lay down on a table, how does he place you in that position if you are passed out, you would be dead weight and almost impossible to move without help, ask any fireman. You must of assisted him at some point, I just don't see a drunk lifting you, turning you on your stomach, taking your cloths off without some participation from you. Were you clothed? Edited July 21, 2013 by aliveagain Link to post Share on other sites
Author dee85 Posted July 21, 2013 Author Share Posted July 21, 2013 I think the most important question is what is what your husband wants.... have you talked to him? Is he willing to communicate with you? Why the hell do you guy let a guy in your house who has tried to have sex with you when you were drunk already? This part is really messing with my mind... He's let him in, he invited him... Obviousley he thought that what happened months before will not happen again. I don't know... If I'd said anything he would just tell me to stiop being silly... He loves this guy (bromance) You really would have to ask my husband why he didnt speak to him after first incident etc I can't answer your questions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dee85 Posted July 21, 2013 Author Share Posted July 21, 2013 Dee, don't you see the really big problem? First time POS was all over you, you said you went and woke your husband which means you didn't go to bed with him but instead you stayed up drinking with his pal. This time you said your husband went to bed but again you chose not to but stayed up drinking alone with his pal until you passed out. Isn't it becoming obvious to you, you chose to stay up drinking with OM instead of turning in with your husband, why? You must of wanted something to happen because you kept putting yourself in a risky position with a known predator. How do you just lay down on a table, how does he place you in that position if you are passed out, you would be dead weight and almost impossible to move without help, ask any fireman. You must of assisted him at some point, I just don't see a drunk lifting you, turning you on your stomach, taking your cloths off without some participation from you. Were you clothed? First time when he went to bed there more of us in the room. I just went to the kitchen for something and he followed me, sat on a counter etc So I didn't stay up just with him. And it was again - my husband invited his friends over - I had nothing to say I was wearing a skirt and top. So as long as he could turn me around and take pants off... Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 21, 2013 Share Posted July 21, 2013 Why did you choose to stay up drinking with him, you knew what he is like? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dee85 Posted July 21, 2013 Author Share Posted July 21, 2013 I believe OP. Her story is coming across jumbled to some because she is upset while she is writing and some things are running together. Years ago I experienced a black out drunk state like what she is explaining with the flashes and such. In my case, I allowed myself to get drunk, stupidly thinking that because I was with a female friend and we were alone that it would be fine. The friend turned out to be no friend, indeed. Mostly Op, I just want you to know I believe you and I also believe it was rape. People will blame you for getting too drunk, wearing the wrong clothes, making stupid choices, etc, etc. It will happen. Take accountability for what better choices you can make in the future, get some counseling. We can choose to not put ourselves into dangerous situations. With that said, it doesn't negate what he did to you. You may be guilty of some things but he owns what he did to you as well. I'd report it to your counselor if nothing else and see what she advises. As far as things go with your SO, this is a very long hard road no matter what happens. I wish you the best and please get some professional assistance- we are all just random opinionated and often times biased people on the internet of which some have their own personal agendas. Don't put too much stock in us, go see someone. Wishing you the best possible outcome. Thank you so much Link to post Share on other sites
Author dee85 Posted July 21, 2013 Author Share Posted July 21, 2013 (edited) Why did you choose to stay up drinking with him, you knew what he is like? Since first incident I've seen him few times and it's been fine. How could I know that he still wants to have sex with me... I don't know... I didn't think I'm in danger... When you're with your friends, people that you know I don;t think you feel like you're in danger. I think it's bit hard for you all to understand it as you don't know us, our relationship... I was way more wasted than he was as he worked till about 2am - had few cheeky shots but not as many as we had. So maybe he had 3hrs of drinking when we about 5. Edited July 21, 2013 by dee85 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 21, 2013 Share Posted July 21, 2013 (edited) I guess where I'm going with this is you seem to always stay up and drink when your SO goes to bed. That is your choice but it is a recurring thing in your post. Does it matter if it's with many friends or just one man? In your posts about things going wrong, you always stay up after your spouse has gone to bed, by hours. You don't see that as a problem? If the man raped you, file a charge against him. Men tend to think in black or white, you were a party to the sex intentionally or if you never consented than you were raped. Were you raped? In your first post you state that when your husband went to bed that you and his mate had to stay up, why did you have to stay up if you had already been doing shots for another 5 hours? Edited July 21, 2013 by aliveagain Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 21, 2013 Share Posted July 21, 2013 OP, do you feel you were raped by this man? If so, you do need to contact the police. If you were so intoxicated that you don't remember anything and couldn't give consent, this man needs to be held accountable for his actions. I also think that your husband would want to support you and face this with you together, if that's indeed the case. Are you going to pursue legal action? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyConcept Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Why did you choose to stay up drinking with him, you knew what he is like? Hmmm, maybe there is secret cuckolding thing going on here. Like husband and other guy secretly agreed to let mate have sex with OP, but "forgot" to tell OP. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Hmmm, maybe there is secret cuckolding thing going on here. Like husband and other guy secretly agreed to let mate have sex with OP, but "forgot" to tell OP. Husband wouldn't have been upset and left their home if that were the case. She was just doing what out of control drunks do when they drink themselves stupid and now that memory is forever chiseled into her husbands head. Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Husband wouldn't have been upset and left their home if that were the case. She was just doing what out of control drunks do when they drink themselves stupid and now that memory is forever chiseled into her husbands head. Well, a man with a healthy dose of self-respect would have reacted in a more decisive manner after the first incident. Not only her husband didn't do anything but also he kept on interacting with that dude as if nothing happend for weeks. Finally, he invited the dude to his house again and just left alone with his wife. This is rather strange behavior. That being said, the OP has a piss-poor personal boundaries too. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Well, a man with a healthy dose of self-respect would have reacted in a more decisive manner after the first incident. Not only her husband didn't do anything but also he kept on interacting with that dude as if nothing happend for weeks. Finally, he invited the dude to his house again and just left alone with his wife. This is rather strange behavior. That being said, the OP has a piss-poor personal boundaries too. Totally! Both of them share an amount of responsibility in the happening... If a friend of mine would try to do my wife when she is drunk (or not drunk for what I care) he would be out of my life forever (with a couple of broken ribs and two very blue eyes ) ... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyConcept Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Husband wouldn't have been upset and left their home if that were the case. She was just doing what out of control drunks do when they drink themselves stupid and now that memory is forever chiseled into her husbands head. Could be just a front. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Well, a man with a healthy dose of self-respect would have reacted in a more decisive manner after the first incident. Not only her husband didn't do anything but also he kept on interacting with that dude as if nothing happend for weeks. Finally, he invited the dude to his house again and just left alone with his wife. This is rather strange behavior. That being said, the OP has a piss-poor personal boundaries too. This is what makes me question whether the husband really does know about the first time. Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 This is what makes me question whether the husband really does know about the first time. Assuming the the OP is telling us the truth I am beginning to belive that her husband maight have had some sort of hidden cockold fantasy of seeing her either with another man or perhaps with that dude in particular as they both seem to be quite close. And when he actually did, he just couldn't handle it emotionally which isn't unusual reaction in this kind of situations. But this is all just a speculation. Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 No she cheated once, the "first time" shes referring to when the guy tried to have sex with her. I believe you were blacked out OP and the guy took advantage I had a similar incident occur i mean really would she be so stupid to do it on the table if it was on purpose?? Come on people. Yes she is partialy at fault here so is the husband but really i think the guy holds most the blame... Actually, I think that her husband holds the most blame here. Being her husband, by definition, he should protect his wife but he did exactly the oposite. The first time he brought home a bunch drunks and left her with them. The second time he invited home the same dude who had tried to sexually assault her a month earlier and left her with him again. We all know the rest. I still have a feeling that her husband was somehow involved in that situation. Weather it was some kind of agreement/bet with that dude or just an innocent cockold fantasy come true but I find it hard to belive that he has clean hands.... no "staright" man would do what he has done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coltsfan1 Posted July 24, 2013 Share Posted July 24, 2013 Your husband doesn't need to trust his mate, he only needs to trust you. I couldn't have said it better myself. I have went through the storm of being cheated on and to be honest its going to be next time impossible to get him back. If he does give you another chance you will have a lot of hard work to do. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 24, 2013 Share Posted July 24, 2013 Actually, I think that her husband holds the most blame here. Being her husband, by definition, he should protect his wife but he did exactly the oposite. The first time he brought home a bunch drunks and left her with them. The second time he invited home the same dude who had tried to sexually assault her a month earlier and left her with him again. We all know the rest. I still have a feeling that her husband was somehow involved in that situation. Weather it was some kind of agreement/bet with that dude or just an innocent cockold fantasy come true but I find it hard to belive that he has clean hands.... no "staright" man would do what he has done. I also don't know what to take from all this... The husband attitude is really strange...he not only don't act in the fact that one of his friends try to have sex with his wife but he keeps the guy as his mate, invite him to his house and let him alone with his drunken wife.. :eek: Then the friend who has already tried to have sex with OP when she is drunk and do it now again (this time with more success...) ... this guy is a rapist or a potential rapist :mad: The wife (OP)... she knows that this guy has tried to abuse her before while drunk but she anyhow manage herself to get drunk again while with him... When her husband goes to sleep she decide (for second time) to stay with the guy who tried to abuse her and drink some more :confused: She doesn't remember anything but after reading her posts I realize that she remembers quite everything... :eek: I am missing something here... if the husband plot the happening why was he angry when he found out? Why would he leave the house? If it was a rape... why would OP don't say so to her husband? Why would she not report him to the police? There is so many whys here that I don't know if the whole story is just a joke or if every person in the story are form another planet... really... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aias Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Let me start from beginning... We, when met, never wanted to be together. he was looking for one night stand and I was having girls night out. But after that night we've seen each other nearly every single day. He's from Australia so his visa was running out. We wanted to stay together to see what happens. Therefore we got married 1 year after we met. This might explain a lot about his behavior.Just a thought, but he is an australian needed american citizenship so he maried her got what he was needed, and now that he don't need her anymore probably he thought, this plan with his friend was the best way to end the marriage in favor for him. Maybe i'm wrong but his behavior so far if the story it's true is the least weird. It could help if we knew how long they were married. Link to post Share on other sites
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