Guilt Is Eating Me Alive

[aliveagain]

Dee, you remember his anger and the few words he said, you ran after him from lying position on a table with his mate between your legs, you remember him throwing you to the floor but you don't remember the sex or how loud you might have been to cause your husband to come out and investigate. I have a hard time buying it but you did it, your still a drunk until you deal with that and most likely things like this will continue to happen to you until you do. Tell your husband every couple of hours just what your plan is. Tell him where you are at all times and book independent counseling right now.

[Chi townD]

Yep! You need to add going to your Doctor and getting a clean bill of health. Chances are he didn't use a condom.

 

And change that to you won't be around his friends at all. Especially, if he isn't around, then neither are you. You leave with him.

 

You life is now transparent. You have no privacy. you give him the passwords to all your email accounts and facebook page, twitter....whatever! He can check it anytime he likes.

 

If anyone ever comes onto you again, you need to tell him immediately and every time!

 

Here's the deal, you can tell him that it was a drunken mistake and that it will never happen again.....blah...blah.... sorry, he not going to believe a word from you and really, he has no reason to.

 

Your words mean nothing to him. So, your actions are going to have to do the talking. He needs to SEE you going to individual counseling. He needs to SEE you reading books on the subject i.e. Surviving the Affair. He needs to SEE your social networks, phones and email accounts. He needs to see you actively making a solid effort to fix this.

 

Now, if you get him back in the house. He's going on a ride. It's called the roller coaster of emotions. One minute he'll be laughing, then next he'll be crying. One minute he'll be smiling and the next he'll be mad as hell. One minute he'll say he loves you and can't see a life without you, the next he's calling you a dirty wh*re and can't stand to see your cheating ass. This is NORMAL! It's going to happen. The question is, can you be strong enough to ride this out?

[BradJacobs]

Is there a light ina tunnel? Is our love strong enough? Who would forgive?

The light is that your guilt will eventually be gone as soon as you forgive yourself.

 

Your love probably isn't strong enough. "he said he's not coming back for a while, maybe ever." Listen to him. Get over your own guilt and move on with your life.

 

I can forgive but I would have still left you. One has nothing to do with the other. It's harsh but it's reality.

[dee85]

Dee, you remember his anger and the few words he said, you ran after him from lying position on a table with his mate between your legs, you remember him throwing you to the floor but you don't remember the sex or how loud you might have been to cause your husband to come out and investigate. I have a hard time buying it but you did it, your still a drunk until you deal with that and most likely things like this will continue to happen to you until you do. Tell your husband every couple of hours just what your plan is. Tell him where you are at all times and book independent counseling right now.

 

 

 

I said that I must have gone after him. I do not remember actual fact. It could have happen instantley or 1-2mins later - I DO NOT KNOW All i remember was going on a floor (did he push me, slaped me - no idea).

I'm not a person that has loud sex.

 

As much as I would like to give you a while story - I can't. And belive me - I would like to know it to understand what my husband saw.

[therhythm]

I said that I must have gone after him. I do not remember actual fact. It could have happen instantley or 1-2mins later - I DO NOT KNOW All i remember was going on a floor (did he push me, slaped me - no idea).

I'm not a person that has loud sex.

 

As much as I would like to give you a while story - I can't. And belive me - I would like to know it to understand what my husband saw.

 

People who are not able to control when drinking should not drink. I hate people blaming alcohol or external factors to diminish the fact that they cheated.

I hope this will help you to learn a lesson and I hope your husband can move on with his life, he deserves better.

[dee85]

Yep! You need to add going to your Doctor and getting a clean bill of health. Chances are he didn't use a condom.

 

And change that to you won't be around his friends at all. Especially, if he isn't around, then neither are you. You leave with him.

 

You life is now transparent. You have no privacy. you give him the passwords to all your email accounts and facebook page, twitter....whatever! He can check it anytime he likes.

 

If anyone ever comes onto you again, you need to tell him immediately and every time!

 

Here's the deal, you can tell him that it was a drunken mistake and that it will never happen again.....blah...blah.... sorry, he not going to believe a word from you and really, he has no reason to.

 

Your words mean nothing to him. So, your actions are going to have to do the talking. He needs to SEE you going to individual counseling. He needs to SEE you reading books on the subject i.e. Surviving the Affair. He needs to SEE your social networks, phones and email accounts. He needs to see you actively making a solid effort to fix this.

 

Now, if you get him back in the house. He's going on a ride. It's called the roller coaster of emotions. One minute he'll be laughing, then next he'll be crying. One minute he'll be smiling and the next he'll be mad as hell. One minute he'll say he loves you and can't see a life without you, the next he's calling you a dirty wh*re and can't stand to see your cheating ass. This is NORMAL! It's going to happen. The question is, can you be strong enough to ride this out?

 

 

 

One thing I have not said - it's all bartenders/pubs world. Therefore I already stopped going to these places.

Been to doctors already...

 

He's always had access to my mail, facebook, phone etc Never had to hide anything from him. We were a happy couple.

Whenever some of my clients (I work in propert sector) would invite me for a drink/dinner i would say no, ignore and tell my husband straight away.

Because of all of this I'm also having a hard time with understanding how have I let it happen.

 

I want to give my privacy up, I don't want him to go easy on me as I've done a horrible thing. I love him so much that I want to go through hell and back just to make things right.

 

All I say to him is that I'm sorry. I do not try to blame anyone or anything. It's just me now...

[pteromom]

The main thing is to quit drinking. I wouldn't just not drink to the point where you lose control... I would not drink AT ALL.

 

Because once you are buzzed, it is harder to just stop there.

 

If you are going to win your bf's trust back (if it is even possible), you have to prove to him that you realize your mistake and you've learned from it.

 

So I'd quit drinking.

 

And of course, apologize and beg for forgiveness. Don't even bring up that he shouldn't have left you with his friend, because even if that is true, it just sounds like you are partially blaming HIM for what you did. The only way you may be forgiven is if you take full responsibility.

 

But what everyone else said - that he can never unsee what he's seen and that will make it less likely that he will come back to you - is true.

[dee85]

People who are not able to control when drinking should not drink. I hate people blaming alcohol or external factors to diminish the fact that they cheated.

I hope this will help you to learn a lesson and I hope your husband can move on with his life, he deserves better.

 

 

Like I said before - I;ve never gott that drunk. But I'm willing not to drink again.

And I'm not blaming it on alcohol, I only said that I was drunk. It was me that did it, not a bottle...

[dee85]

The light is that your guilt will eventually be gone as soon as you forgive yourself.

 

Your love probably isn't strong enough. "he said he's not coming back for a while, maybe ever." Listen to him. Get over your own guilt and move on with your life.

 

I can forgive but I would have still left you. One has nothing to do with the other. It's harsh but it's reality.

 

 

 

I can't get over it - as funny as it might sound to you - I care so much for him! You have no idea what we've been through before...

I just want to punish myself... I just want him back

[SoulStorm]

Like I said before - I;ve never gott that drunk. But I'm willing not to drink again.

And I'm not blaming it on alcohol, I only said that I was drunk. It was me that did it, not a bottle...

This should be ..I won't drink again. Being willing means nothing..doing is better.

[dee85]

Just found out he's coming here tonight. Apparentley I check how I am... I'm so nervous that I've been sick...

I did not expect to see him that soon....

[BradJacobs]

I can't get over it - as funny as it might sound to you - I care so much for him! You have no idea what we've been through before...

I just want to punish myself... I just want him back

It doesn't sound funny to me.

 

I've cheated and I've been cheated on.

 

I'm telling you from experience that the light at the end of the tunnel is when you learn to forgive yourself and love yourself again. You're no good to anyone right now with all of the self loathing, guilt and pity. What punishment are you going to give yourself? A curfew? Ground yourself? Public service? Return all of the stuff you just bought or give it away to good will?

 

Your irrationality is talking right now. Punishment does not make people return after betrayal.

 

Your past is irrelevant. He may not come back. You can't base your life and your future around a possibility that is more than likely never going to become reality.

 

It's a hard truth but one you better get used to.

[road]

Let me start from beginning...

 

 

And then it happened- we went out for dinner, had bottle of wine and decided to go to our cocktail bar. His mate works there. I got absolutely wasted - in one minute I was fine but then total blackout. Don't remember getting home so whatever you read now is what I've been told.

At some point his mate had to come around and apparently we drank even more! Then my husband went to bed. We had to stay up.

So after drinking cocktail number ? the next thing I remember is my love walking into the kitchen and me being bentover while his mate is... don't think I have to finish.

 

 

When it happened for the first time - I was drunk but I run straight to my husband to wake him up. So he knew about it.

Apparently i was just flat on a table, so no strength was needed.

 

I just don't know what happened!

 

 

Which post is the truth?

 

Your BH walked in and found you bent over with his friend doing you.

 

Or.

 

You woke your BH up to tell him that his friend had bent you over and did you.

 

Next question:

 

When it happened the first time, means there was at least a second time. How many times did the OM do you?

 

Your story is not making any sense.

[road]

First off you need to get some help with your drinking problem. It may be binge drinking, but if you drink yourself to where you are laying on a table or 'blackout' you have a serious problem.

 

Secondly, what were you thinking getting drunk with a guy who has already tried to have sex with your before when you were drunk????

 

You have some serious judgment issues that you need to address. The "I was drunk and 'blacked out' excuse isn't going to cut it.

 

 

Exactly.

 

Why not go to bed with your BH but stay up and let the OM keep you drinking?

 

You know the OM wanted you drunk enough to do you.

 

You wanted the OM to do you as well.

 

That is why you stayed up and let the OM to get you more intoxicated.

 

Your first step is to be honest with yourself.

 

Second is that you have a drinking problem.

 

You

[aliveagain]

I hope he agrees to giving you another chance. If he still is undecided offer him a postnuptial with more of the assets going to him if you cheat again, say a 70/30 split. You need to find a way to make him feel safe around you. No more time with any men on your own and you never stay up drinking with his mates. What did you mean when you said he went to bed but you and his mate had to stay up, why did you have to stay up?

[ExpatInItaly]

Exactly.

 

Why not go to bed with your BH but stay up and let the OM keep you drinking?

 

You know the OM wanted you drunk enough to do you.

 

You wanted the OM to do you as well.

 

That is why you stayed up and let the OM to get you more intoxicated.

 

Your first step is to be honest with yourself.

 

Second is that you have a drinking problem.

 

You

 

This is what jumps at me the most from the entire thread. x100.

[BeholdtheMan]

This guy tried to have sex with you months before and he is still a friend? Did you tell your husband this? Sorry but if he has you bent over a table or the kitchen counter and your sober enough to take the pounding without falling down, you must be sober enough to know what going on, come on girl. If you didn't and never gave him consent why haven't you had him charged with rape? Sorry but you sound like someone with a drinking problem, infidelity and drinking problems go hand in hand.

 

Yep...frankly I think OP is minimising even to us, a bunch of strangers on the internet. I don't think you're being completely honest with yourself OP.

 

I highly doubt you blacked out and became another person able to have sex with "his mate". Obviously you weren't unconscious (you were able to take a ramming from behind without falling over). Are we supposed to believe that you have a Hollywood movie split personality or something?

 

I think you have to own up to your infidelity. Take responsibility. Don't blame it on the alcohol. You knew this guy had designs on you. You got drunk with him. You bent over for him and took it. You fu**ed up big time. If you can't even admit that, you have no hope of reconciliation.

[therhythm]

Yep...frankly I think OP is minimising even to us, a bunch of strangers on the internet. I don't think you're being completely honest with yourself OP.

 

I highly doubt you blacked out and became another person able to have sex with "his mate". Obviously you weren't unconscious (you were able to take a ramming from behind without falling over). Are we supposed to believe that you have a Hollywood movie split personality or something?

 

I think you have to own up to your infidelity. Take responsibility. Don't blame it on the alcohol. You knew this guy had designs on you. You got drunk with him. You bent over for him and took it. You fu**ed up big time. If you can't even admit that, you have no hope of reconciliation.

 

This is what most bothers me from this whole thread... she takes no ownership of the mess she has created (at all).

 

I could totally forgive a very remorseful woman who was too drunk and let herself go with another guy... she should make many changes in her life but if I loved her I could think about it... but I could never forgive and move forward with someone who is just looking to minimize what has done with external factors and unrealistic explanations.

[BeholdtheMan]

someone who is just looking to minimize what has done with external factors and unrealistic explanations.

Her story reads like bad fiction written by a drunk...oh wait

 

Even if it were true, it sounds so preposterous that I doubt her husband would buy it. Honestly, I hope her husband is coming back to tell her he'll be gone for good. Maybe that way OP will learn her lesson. Sometimes you have to learn things the hard way.

[BradJacobs]

Which post is the truth?

 

Your BH walked in and found you bent over with his friend doing you.

 

Or.

 

You woke your BH up to tell him that his friend had bent you over and did you.

 

Next question:

 

When it happened the first time, means there was at least a second time. How many times did the OM do you?

 

Your story is not making any sense.

Well now ... that's an interesting twist.

[therhythm]

Well now ... that's an interesting twist.

 

Naaa Road too two unrelated posts (one was of the first time the dude tried to have sex with her and the other one when the dude actually had sex with her, two different occasions) and tried to make a smart connection that only happens if you have not follow the whole thread.

[crederer]

If this happened to me there'd be two dead bodies in my kitchen.

 

Seriously though, it sounds like you are trying to justify it. You had sex with another man while intoxicated and are back peddling.

 

This may not be the case. And if it isn't then it was rape and you need to call the police and file charges immediately because he will do this to someone else.

[dee85]

Well now ... that's an interesting twist.

 

 

You didn't read it at all.

 

First time (some time vack) he tried to have sex with me but I was sober enough to go wake my husband up. He TRIED but nothing happened.

 

Then tried again...

[dee85]

I did say it few times - it's my fault. Not trying to justify it.

 

I just gave you my story. Said how it was - it does not make much sense as I do not remember much. I wish I could, so I could understand what actually happened, before, durnig and after...

I'm the only one to blame and I know it.

 

I'm going through hell so don't want to think what he's going through. I hate myself for hurting him in this way. I've always been behind him, making sure he's got everything that he wants and needs. SUpported when work wasn't going great.

And then I just torn his hart..

But mine is bleeding as well - I won't be able to forget what I've done and how much pain I've caused him.

 

I feel like I'm standing on the edge and there's nothing to hold on to... And I guess there isn't

 

 

But I still have hope, mother of fools and madmen.

 

 

p.s. I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me. Just saying how it is

Edited July 20, 2013 by dee85

[BradJacobs]

To me you could have been Mother Teresa before you cheated and afterwards you're just another girl who I was once with. Past deeds don't negate current failures; especially not one this big.

 

You'll get over it in time.

 

Best wishes on your journey to heal.