Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce

[Yasuandio]

Moderator's note:

 

Pursuant to a member request, moderation, subject to a decision by our head moderator, has conditionally pinned this topic for member reading and topical posting. As this is an informational thread, not a discussion thread, informational postings, as such already submitted, will be allowed and members are cautioned, when using external links, to make sure they comply with our commercial advertising/external linking guidelines. When citing external content, members are requested to post topical content, not to exceed 250 words, when linking externally to provide attribution.

 

I'll leave the thread open for posting for now. If I find non-compliant content to proliferate, I'll close it and invite members to submit content to moderation for approval. Thanks.

 

 

 

 

 

There continue to be more and more arrivals to our LS section on Divorce and Separation. Often, I find myself technically challenged when it comes to citing links, or just general recall sometimes. As well, I many times repeat my reading advice to posters. As a contributor to this section, I thought it might be useful to us and our newcomers to get all of our reading materials in one place, rather than citing and re-citing.

 

Perhaps others will join me in posting helpful relevant material and cites -- on this new thread I am trying to begin. Can some please post the most current "No Contact" draft that is available so it will come up in the second post of the thread?

 

Theefore, please of our find our most popular reference below:

 

THE 180's:

 

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

 

So here's the list:

 

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
   
2. No frequent phone calls.
   
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
   
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
   
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
   
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
   
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
   
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
   
9. Don't schedule dates together.
   
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
    
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
    
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
    
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
    
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
    
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
    
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
    
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
    
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
    
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
    
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
    
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
    
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
    
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
    
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
    
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
    
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
    
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
    
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
    
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
    
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
    
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
    
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
    
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
    

Edited July 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Insert note

[Yasuandio]

Herein, please find "The Caliguy No Contact Guide UPDATED" posted in thread of same name by Taramaiden on 10th Januarary, 2013.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366654-caliguy-no-contact-guide-updated#post4510329

 

The Caliguy No Contact Guide - UPDATED

Hi guys!

Given the passage of time, new experience and better methods of helping those whose hearts are broken, here is the All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide - UPDATED!

It's long - but it will shorten the 'road' needed, for you to come out of this, a better person.

 

Q. What is no contact?

A. No contact is just that. It's breaking all ties to your ex.

 

Q. What is no contact for?

A.No contact, in brief, is meant as the best and quickest means for you to heal and move on.

 

Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back?

A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life - you are in for a rude awakening.

 

Q. What should I be doing to implement NC?

A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex.

That means no calls, no emails, no text/sms, IM's, absolutely no checking FB or Twitter - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach. If necessary, get someone else to hold on to them for you.... after a while, you won't know what's there, and won't want it back, anyway...

 

Q. My ex keeps texting me, and nothing seems to put them off. What do I do about this?

A. First of all, delete their number and block it.

Then the next time they text you, reply IMMEDIATELY - with this message:

 

"Your message could not be delivered because the recipient has blocked this number."

 

Do this every single time they try to text you.

(Blocking/deleting numbers prevents calls, but doesn't always prevent texts.)

Pretty soon, they should give up.

 

Q. What should I be doing during NC?

A. First of all, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. You need to grieve a loss, but don't dwell on it. Hang out with your friends, immerse yourself in a new hobby and start working out. Working out is especially useful because not only does it release endorphins which help make you feel better but you'll start looking your best which will help you attract someone new. If you need Counselling, by all means go.

 

Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her.

A. Unfortunately - you already have. Clinging on to them or clinging to the hope you'll get them back will only keep you down longer. Additionally, the natural reaction of any ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. If you do have any chance of reconciliation, your best bet is to leave them alone and forget about them.

 

Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?

A. No, absolutely not - especially if you are still in love with them. For the most part, Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being #2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string.

Furthermore, keeping you as a 'friend' is designed to make them feel better about things - not you. Keeping you as a friend, is a way of relieving their guilt, and convincing them that hey, it can't hurt all that much, if you're willing to just be a buddy, right....?

Wrong.

See, it’s like this....

When the dumper extends the hand of friendship, well, that seems very kind and generous, but it's actually very thoughtless and selfish.

Your heart's just been ripped out and turned inside out by them leaving you - it's like a phase of mourning - so how s/he can tug at your heartstrings and expect you - as someone who still has deep-seated feelings for them - to just flip to 'be my friend!" Well, really - it's completely irrational and unreasonable.

But it makes the dumper feel really charitable.

"I don't want to go out with you - you DON'T rock my world, and you're not 'the one' but at least if I suggest staying friends, it doesn't make me out to be a callous person, and if you WILL be my friend, then I can't be that bad - and you can't be that hurt, can you?"

It eases their guilt.

Do NOT agree to this - it will prolong the pain, and cement the agony.

The dumper carries on in their merry way, texting you, friendly, verbal 'arm-punching' in a "we're such great buddies!" kind of way - and all the time, you'll be screaming inside "I want to get back together with you again!!"

The only time friendship will be possible, is when you can see them in the arms of another loving partner, completely happy, and holding their child - and think to yourself, "Meh... I'm happy for them, but, so what? It's cool!"

 

Benign Indifference.

That's what you're aiming for.

 

All this “Let’s just be friends” thing will do, is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex.

 

Q. I can't resist the urge to contact my ex! What should I do??

A. If you've deleted all their contact info yet still remember how to reach them, call a friend instead. Go and work out at the gym. Take a bike ride. Go for a jog. Do something to occupy your mind. Get out, don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Because, guess what? They are definitely not sitting around with their new love, wondering why you aren't calling them.

Exercise releases endorphins, and after a while, the more you take care of yourself, the better you'll look. And the better you look - the better you'll feel.

 

Q. How long should I wait to contact my ex?

A. Never, EVER be the first to contact your ex!

If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, and don’t beg them to take you back. Just be very polite and business-like. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Additionally the best way to make someone see they're being an ******* is to not be one in retaliation. Let them vent and just be quiet. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose.

 

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?

A. The question is: Why are they contacting you?

If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them.

 

Otherwise, there's no need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but at this juncture, it's a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree, but first of all, I would want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no-no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.

 

If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. The complete 180.

"I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?"

 

Anything other than this - any small talk, any "so how are you?"s, any tentative chit-chat - is just breadcrumbs. Mostly, to appease their own guilt, make them feel better, and confirm that they can still yank your chain.

 

The only thing you should actually ever respond to is a clear and absolutely unequivocal signal, from them that they desperately love you and would do anything to be able to try again.

Anything - ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING - else - is just a way of chatting with you and keeping you simmering on a back-boiler until you are roasted, broiled, cooked, done, shredded, dried out and falling off the bone.

 

Remember: The question is NEVER "Why are they doing *this* or why have they said *that*?

The question is always, but ALWAYS:

"What do I do now?"

And the answer to that, is to not try to head-read, or second-guess. It's to keep on doing what you're doing. Ignore it, and stay in NC.

 

Q. What happens if I break NC?

A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start all over. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are. If you're nursing a shattered heart, you can't handle what they have to say. Why rip out the stitches, and tear the wound open again?

if you pass razor wire up one nostril and down the other, while poking your eyes out with needles - it will hurt only marginally less than talking to them, and getting nothing from them but pain.

 

Q. What if I see them in public?

A. Bottom line, avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. As far as they're concerned, it really looks as if you're doing great without them - even if you aren't.

 

Q. What if my Ex never contacts me?

A. Then it was never meant to be. Consider yourself lucky and smart enough to realise that, the sooner you implement NC and get on with your life the sooner you can meet the right person for you. That's really what this whole 'No Contact' deal is all about. Healing, and Moving On.

 

Q. What is the best way to get closure from my ex?

A. You will never, ever get closure, from your ex.

Writing letters, or arranging to meet 'one last time' to get closure, is a pointless exercise. For several reasons.

One: Very often, the dumper themselves, cannot really come up with a straight answer. They themselves may be confused about the situation, so you may get one answer one day, and a different one the next....

Two: They will lie. Either to protect themselves, or to protect your feelings. Which of course, is pointless, because they're shattered anyway.

Three: Any answers or responses you do get - will simply serve to prompt more questions on your part. Because deep down, all you want out of closure - is for them to do an about turn and admit they were wrong. You want them to change their minds.

Seeking closure just reeks of 'desperate'. And it will merely serve to break your heart again.

 

Closure, is like Vomit: It comes from within, but you need to get it out of your system.

So you have to face facts, get real and accept matters as they are.

 

Realise that none of us is immune to heartbreak. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us for us to carry on to the next relationship. You know what they say: "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger". I actually hate that phrase, but it seems to be true..... That's what NC does. It allows you to reflect on your past mistakes and grow as a person. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next.

 

There will be someone else, I guarantee you that. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, the quicker you heal yourself up, improve where you can and embed the lessons of your past - then the better off you'll be for someone else. Someone who deserves you. And someone for whom you will be a dream come true.

 

Above all, never tell yourself "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, blah blah blah." That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. You just have to be happy with who you are.

 

You simply cannot lose on an investment in yourself.

 

Once you've done the work, it's there. Forever

And you can share it with whomever you choose.

Be the best 'you' you can be.

 

Every step forward you make is one step closer to meeting the person of your dreams. It will in all likelihood, happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. The power you give to your Ex every moment you spend thinking about them, wishing they would call or clinging on to them. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. To accept what has happened. To let go completely. And become whole, to love again.

Edited July 7, 2013 by Yasuandio

[Yasuandio]

An author who has nicely claried the various dimensions of forgiving, is Janis Abrahms Springs, Ph.D., in her book entitled, How Can I Forgive You: The Courage to Forgive and the Freedom Not To. Here she diffentiates the different types of forgiveness, and reasonable alternative to forgiveness as follows:

 

Cheap Forgiveness: An Inaucthentic Act of Peacekeeping that Resolves Nothing.

 

Refusing To Forgive: A Rigid Response That Keeps You Entombed in Hate.

 

Acceptance: A Healing Gift to Yourself that Asks Nothing to the Offender.

 

Genuine Forgiveness: A Healing Transaction, an Intimate Dance.

 

[Abrahms-Springs specifies that the offending party may actually have to earn Genuine Forgiveness. And too, she identifies specific steps one can understake to grant forgiveness]

.

I have completely read this book -- and found it too be highly informative. As, upon reflection, "forgiving-off-the-cuff" over these many years, as I have done repeatedly, simply was a useless act on my part - and clearly fell under the catagory of "Cheap Forgiveness." You can find this book on Amazon. It is well worth the investment in my opinion.

[Yasuandio]

My therapist many years ago taught me a little simple technique - when those "husband thoughts" that were antagonizing me, popped into my head - to just say to myself - "let's not go there."

 

I just read this little article, and it is about "Letting Go" of these agonizing thoughts completely - to achieve peace via a method called "Mindfulness." I believe I have subconciously moved onto a similiar version of this method on my own as time has gone by, and I do feel more at ease, and peaceful. It is kinda like riding a bike - the method becomes habit-forming. Try it.

 

Mindfulness and the Art of Letting Go

 

I have been doing this technique along with my theripist's "Let's Not Go There" method - and it is working really well. Last night, an issue was in my head when I got in the bed to go to sleep. If you wanna know how the little story went last night, I wrote it out below.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was not obsession over the former husband - but some anger management issue - as I am a little short on money this month, and not really liking getting accustomed to this at all. But - I'm getting over it. I was just mad. The cubbort is almost bare, so I am being creative - and it is not a big deal, oatmeal, rice, dried beans, watered-down homemade soup is just fine with me.

 

What was really making me mad was the fact my doggies don't have their normal food and nice treats. I have been cooking their foods for them this week, avoiding the store. I was ticked big time - cause I know doggies were expecting something special when we went to bed last night, like they usually do, and I didn't have any special bisquits for them. It just got to me last night. I had finished paying bills - and went into the red zone to make a payment on a credit card - praying alimony check will arrive by tomorrow (it was due on the first).

 

[sidebar. Blah blah. Other people have it a lot worse than doggies and me, that is for sure. We're Spartans - gett'in over it - no problem. We just need to blow off a little steam, that's all.]

 

So - I flattened out on my back, stretched out my arms and legs, relaxed my entire body - opened my hands and fingers, listened to my breathing, and said soothingly to myself, "don't go there." Soon - the anger dissapated. It really worked.

 

Another good trick is to count backwards, slowly, from 100. You cannot think about your "issue" and count backwards at the same time. Go ahead -- try. And -- you can always start counting backwards from 1000 --- that will keep your mind distracted for awhile.

 

PS I found a baking recipe for dog bisquits on the internet - so, I am going into the kitchen now to see what I can whip up!

[Yasuandio]

Marriage Builders website host and author, Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D., proposes Plan A and/or Plan B for couples experiencing infidelity. Accordingly, Harley believes that "any contact between the unfaithful spouse and the lover ruins reconciliation." His plans are innovative, well-argued -- and most importantly, provide hope, in my opinion. But you do have to "get real."

 

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Edited July 7, 2013 by Yasuandio
Bad spelling - as ususal.

[Yasuandio]

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross - Five Stages of Grief

 

The Five Stages of Grief - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler

[Yasuandio]

s

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross - Five Stages of Grief

 

The Five Stages of Grief - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler

 

The Five Stages of Grief:

 

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

 

Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

WebMD Grief Site:

 

www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-grief

 

Article RE: Misinterpretation of the 5 Stages of Grief:

 

http://www.policymic.com/articles/49459/it-s-time-to-ditch-the-5-stages-of-grief

 

Susan L. Fuller reminds us that "The Real stages of Grief" do not necessarily follow a logical and predictable pattern - but are most often "messy, confusing and exhausting." See link below:

 

http://stagesofgrief.weebly.com/

Edited July 7, 2013 by Yasuandio
New Citation Found

[Yasuandio]

What is Emotional Detachment? In one sense, it can be defined as a person's inability to connect on an emotional level. In another sense, a person may make a conscious decision to no longer connect emotionally with another for a particular reason.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_detachment

 

Developing Detachment:

 

Developing Detachment | LIVESTRONG.COM

 

Simple to follow step-by-step directions on how to emotionally detach:

 

How to Be Emotionally Detached: 6 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Personal Note: In my case, I found it much easier to "Emotionally Detach" from an unhealthy long-term marriage when I simply "stopped wanting" what I did not (in reality) actually "need." This basic concept took an extremely long time for me to digest and apply for some reason. I also want to emphasis that the "No Contact" and "180's" method were critical to my detachment success.

 

I will try to add a little more to this thread each weekend. Please, share your research separation/divorce-related threads here! I do hope everyone is well. Yas

[mbethb]

I've really found a lot of comfort in...

 

How to Survive the Loss of a Love

 

I can seem a little corny at times and it's ancient but it's helped me a lot.

[Yasuandio]

Questions:

 

1. Did your husband or wife just give you the "ILYBINILWU" line?

 

2. Did your husband or wife suddenly announce they want a divorce (when you thought everything was peachy keen)?

 

3. Are you feeling like begging your spouse to change their mind about the divorce idea? Do you realize that is a dumb idea?

 

4. Do you know the difference between an emotional divorce and a legal divorce? Have you even thought about that concept?

 

5. Do you want to try to stop your divorce?

 

If you answered yes to any of these above questions, and/or are "spinning" and/or are acting like a complete idiot - maybe you should have a look at this material before you do anymore begging or pleading, or crying.

 

So, please permit me to introduce one of my favorite authors in our field of concern (divorce), Homer McDonald - his full length book is entitled: Stop Your Divorce.

 

Below is a FREE on-line link that I often recommend that contains 5 informative taped interviews with this experienced therapist and MC, as well as several interesting written artcles by Mr. McDonald.

 

StopYourDivorce: Homer McDonald Interview - Track 1

 

Mr. McDonald was so kind to provide me a free 20 minute appraisal of my situation over the telephone. While a conversation with Homer is no less than a bit "salty and direct," Mr. McDonald got my head screwed-on straight real fast, and changed my life in the most positive direction that particular day last year.

 

The most obvious matters Homer is addressing in his book/articles are strategies to coping with divorce, separation, and human relationship dynamics. However, in my opinion, Mr. McDonald's theories and philosophies are completely applicable to most areas of life, and I believe this to be an excellent test of the quality of his material.

 

Sometimes I think I will change my middle name to "Homer," as I am so deeply thankful to Mr. McDonald for helping me "move on" for real during that call last year.

 

Point of Interest: There is an LS thread called "Sonofhomer" where Homer's son is utilizing his Dad's material to assist an LS member from the Separation and Divorce forum from a few years back. Very interesting! Yas

 

PS Thank you ":Dmbethb:D" for contributing to this thread! Sometimes the oldies are the best goodies! I hope some readers that like this thread idea will keep giving us some more gold stars! We already have two! Maybe we will turn into a "pin-up!"

[aMguilts]

great post yas!!

along with Caliguy`s Nc thread, nofoolin done a short but to the point 1 too

Always lifted me when i was at my worst

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion

 

hugs

aM

[Yasuandio]

DIVORCEBUSTERS

 

Below is the main Site for DivorceBusters - Created by Michelle Weiner-Davis. You can easily become a participant on the forum (see "community" link at top of page) - there is a special section for Newbies. There are vets that come to your rescue - just like on LS. The site is great - filled with resources. Davis-Weiner is well-known for her books entitled Divorcebusters, and Divorce Remedies - both fantastic reads.

 

Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce

 

All of Michelle Weiner-Davis' books about Relationships, and Divorce can be found on this specialized Amazon Link:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Michele-Weiner-Davis/e/B001H6EQRY

 

Various Interesting Articles by Michelle Weiner-Davis on "Walk-Away-Wife-Syndrome, Healing From Infidelity, The Marriage Map, Chooosing a Marital Therapist, etc." :

 

Divorce Busting® - Relationship Advice - Marriage Problems Solutions

 

SOME SPECIFIC DIVORCEBUSTERS TECHNIQUES:

 

Seven Basic Steps to Save Your Marriage:

 

How to Save Your Marriage in 7 Simple Steps - Married Life from Hitched - Social network for married couples

 

"Do Something Different" Technique:

 

How to Get Out of Your Marital Rut: Do Something Different - Married Life from Hitched - Social network for married couples

 

The "Medium is the Message" Technique:

 

The Medium is in the Message - Married Life from Hitched - Social network for married couples

 

"Going Dark 101" Technique - defined and discused on the DB forum:

 

Going Dark - DivorceBusting.com

 

The "LAST RESORT" Technique:

 

Stop Your Divorce with the The Last Resort Technique - Married Life from Hitched - Social network for married couples

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

VARIOUS U-TUBES By Michelle Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.:

 

DivorceBusting 101 - Relationship Goals:

 

 

Save My Marriage, How To Talk To My Spouse:

 

 

Walk-Away-Wife-Syndrome:

 

 

Your Husband's Mid-Life Crisis:

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Michelle Weiner-Davis, M.S.W. Background:

 

Michele Weiner-Davis - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Edited July 21, 2013 by Yasuandio
Enhance with bold, and add some links.

[Yasuandio]

Gaslighting: The WORST Form of Mental Abuse

 

Did your spouse mention anything lately that goes to the tune of:

 

"YOU'RE CRAZY!"

 

"You just don't remember."

 

"You are too emotional."

 

"You are overreacting, as usual."

 

Perhaps you cite an incident or event during a discussion or disagreement, and he immediately snaps: "That never happened. You're imaging things."

 

And then you say to yourself -- "huh?? What? Maybe I am crazy. Maybe he's right, I am crazy!"

 

Listen, I'm telling you, this can get really bad, and start esculating. It is called GASLIGHTING. Wickpedia defines what is now a psychological term: "Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception or sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim."

 

Gaslighting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

This newer clinical and psycholological research term "gaslighting" originated from a play called Gas Light and a particularly interesting 1944 film it called Gaslight featuring Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman, Joseph Cotten, and an 18-year old Angela Lansbury (the lady from the popular TV show "Murder She Wrote)."

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslight_(1944_film)

 

I remember watching this movie in Columbus, Ohio, while we lived there and I was working on my Ph.D., in the early 90's. For some reason, I really, really identified with that old flick, and I eventually purchased a copy of it.

 

More Sites of Gaslighting:

 

Sam Vatkin defines Gaslighting! (Vatkin is a very interesting author, albeit the writing style is darn complex - he is also an admitted Narcissist).

 

 

Psychology Today:

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted

 

"Shaming Women For Speaking Up"

 

Gaslighting -shaming women for emotional reactions and for speaking up. » Ace of Clades

 

"Message to Women From a Man: You ARE NOT Crazy":

 

A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not ?Crazy? | The Current Conscience

 

QUOTE FROM MY FORMER HUSBAND: "You made a fool out of yourself!" "Don't you remember?" "YOU'VE destroyed everything!" "YOU have destroyed our lives!" (Then, he took the rental car, and drove away, leaving me stranded on the sea-side in a foreign country, at nightfall, with little money, without my glasses, and without my medications. And he never came back. December 2008.)

Edited July 22, 2013 by Yasuandio

[worldgonewrong]

A Critical Reading selection, in my humble opinion, is this:

BE HERE NOW by Ram Dass

Be Here Now: Ram Dass: 0045863543059: Amazon.com: Books

 

I read a ton of books about the psychology of the wayward spouse, about trying to get that person back, etc.

Ram Dass's book is about acceptance and discovering who YOU are as an independent, free spirit temporarily 'trapped' in a human body. His book embraces various theologies/philosophies (Christianity, Buddhism, Indian wisdom, etc.) and makes one see how pain/pleasure/good/bad is all temporal and fleeting, and how we can sometimes get fixated/stuck on the moment.

It's not a 'feel-good' book in terms of easy answers. He makes it clear that the answers have to come from within; he merely provides a road map out of the wild brush.

This book, and the King James Bible, saved my life.

[trippi1432]

Gas-lighting...well, according to my exH who had nothing when he met me, everything I had was his and everything he had was his from the get-go according to him. No, wasn't like that at first...only became like that when the lease was no longer in my name..next he wanted my car in his name. When he didn't get what he wanted...it was my fault...when I didn't get what I wanted...I just needed to work harder.

 

I have learned a lot from this site. I was going to post specific articles, but I've seen so many people come here and call out a diagnosis of this and that. Honestly, who knows if our partners have a diagnosis. Everyone here has told me my exH was NPD..I don't know. But I do see myself as Co-dependent, I actually thought I was NPD..but now I truly understand the dynamic of co-dependent after reading here. You can never be truly free until you see yourself and know that you have no control over anyone but you. I tried for many years to control a home to make it normal..my daughter saw that as strength...true strength is walking away from that which is chaos and drama.

 

Articles | Self Empowerment, Personal Growth, Awareness : Melanie Tonia Evans

Edited August 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Shocked Suzie]

As request dear Yas x

 

This made me MIDLIFE For Dummies

 

This has thrown me a mental life line

 

Midlife Club: About

 

SS x

[Steadfast]

I'm not in the habit of suggesting books for betrayed husbands. The main reason for this stems from what I consider various society and religion-driven agendas serving as motivation. This is, of course, not true in every case. I have not (nor has anyone) read every self-help guide for spouses dealing with infidelity, separation and divorce, but it is a common issue.

 

Langley's two-part series is in both ebook and paperback form. The link is found here. Many have been helped by just reading the introduction page; shocked at the same exact pattern of behavior by their spouses that Langley describes in her introduction. This pattern is clear, common, and the very reason why Langley's book helps so many people.

 

A sample of the introduction:

 

~

Women's relationships today follow

a very predictable pattern:

 

-They push men for commitment

 

-They get what they want

 

-They lose interest in sex

 

-They become attracted to someone else

 

-They start cheating

 

-They become angry and resentful

 

-They begin telling their partners that they need time apart

 

-They blame their partners for their behavior...and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages

 

~

Langley offers no guarantee or advice for reconciliation. The information published in her book series informs and empowers the betrayed spouse and is designed to give him understanding. The language can be quite direct (even crude) in spots, so be warned. Langley pulls no punches in her writings. This direct approach often irritates wives and women involved in infidelity, and for that reason Langley suggests caution when sharing.

 

Highly suggested for betrayed men with decisions to make.

Edited August 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Linking is sufficient

[ArtOfLiving]

Thought this video is a great piece on the topic...

What do you think?

[trippi1432]

Speaking of help material....one book that helped me a couple of years ago to heal my heart. Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One: John Gray: 9780060930271: Amazon.com: Books

 

We don't always heal the same way, but at the end of things, we want to know that we can open our hearts eventually to better things and move on with our lives.

Edited August 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gunny376]

In hopes of reparing your damage marriage / relationships

 

"Romance 101"

 

"1001 Way To Be Romantic"

 

"1001 More Ways To Be Romantic!"

 

"Light Her Fire!"

 

"Light His Fire!"

 

"How To Light A Fire When The Kids Are Driving Us Crazy!"

 

"DivorceBusters"

 

"Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex and Women Don't Get Enough Love!"

 

"Why Men Don't Have A Clue and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes!"

 

"You Just Don't Understand!"

 

"GenderSpeak!"

 

"Growing Up Divorce!"

 

"Second Chances!"

 

"Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus!"

 

"How To Satisfy A Woman Eveytime and have her beg for more!"

 

"How To Be A Long Distance Parent!"

 

"Long Distance Parenting!"

 

"Passages" Critical Read!

 

"Life Code" by Dr. Phil McGraw Critical Read!

 

"Why Women Worry!"

 

"Why Women Cheat!"

 

"The Game"

[alonefornow]

The following are resources for those who believe they are in abusive relationships, or suspect they may be. Emotional or psychological abuse is often as damaging or more so than physical abuse. Abuse can feel like a prison, and abusers are at their worst when their victim attempts to leave. Please recognize that there are resources available to you. Emotional abuse is considered a form of domestic violence. Avail yourself of the resources out there for DV

 

Admitting to oneself that they are in an abusive relationship can be very difficult. Abusers tend to isolate their victims from the outside world. This, coupled with an environment that is so psychologically damaging, can leave one with a tenuous grasp on what is "normal" or "ok". This is why talking about what is going on, openly and honestly, with others is so important. The resources outlined below are just a few of the many available to people. If you need further assistance please feel free to PM me as this is a subject that I take very seriously.

 

Signs of abusive relationships: Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology

 

National (US) hotline: The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

 

The book to read on abusers: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-

Controlling/dp/0425191656

 

Link to an organization that provides support groups and hotlines: Joyful Heart Foundation

 

I will try to add resources here as I find them. And if anyone just needs someone to talk to about this, PM me.

[Yasuandio]

Realistic Tips for Surviving the End of Your Relationship

 

Written by "Oracle"

Pinned Thread in the Breaking Up Forum (Very Good Tips)

 

Thought I would share my thoughts with you all.. I have been there and still am in many ways.

 

"Over the last 2 years my friend and I have developed 3 rules that one can apply to pretty much any aspect of life.. Sadly so far I haven't been able to prove them wrong. They seem infaliable, like the pope ;P (sarcasm alert for those of u that are a tad slow)

 

Anyways, before I get to that.. here is my background....

 

Was in a monogamous same sex relationship (and stfu all u haters) for 13 years, since we were both 19. In the gay world, thats virutally unheard of -I F***ing feel like I deserve a medal just for that alone. We had a good life - big estate, high end cars, travelled several times a year - blah blah.. all the stuff everyone dreams of but never usually gets. We both worked from home so we were together 24/7 both being guys we were buddies and lovers and we did absolutely everything together. It was always a battle though, never easy and we always fought lots but always stayed together. Anyway I always thought it would go the distance.. we would grow old together. Not wanting to give away to much personal details and drag this out - We came to an end and not for infidelity or the usual 'gay culture' culprits - but not in a clean break kinda way. More like a messy twilightzone want to shoot yourself in the face everyday kinda way. We worked together for almost 1 year after ending while we liquidated the one shared business, and we still live together while we sell our primary residence. Ya, f*cked up i know. We are both stubborn.

 

The journey to this point has been up and down. At times it could be fairly brutal. This is what I have come to realize in the past two years and I call them the three rules, you can apply them to everything.

 

Rule 1 - Nothing is as it seems.

 

- Pretty simple, period. Your happy neighbors next door, your parents, and even your spouse - you really don't have a clear idea of the true reality of things. You build up ideas in your head based on your perceptions of others. People fake it, and your mind takes broad liberties when filling in the blanks. Let me put it this way.. If I pulled up next to you in my hummer with one of my hot female friends, you wouldn't think I like to suck d*ck. Nothing is as it seems. Moving on...

 

Rule 2 - Possession and desire are mutually exclusive.

 

- 'Huh?' you say - Ya, ok let me put it this way. The hottest Guy / Girl is usually the one that is waving good-bye. Rule 2 is my favourite, cause its so true. We want what we can't have, and when we have it we tend to not want it is much anymore or take it for granted. That extra hard longing you feel is cause they just kicked ur ass to the curb. You have the blinders on and you are kneeling before that idealized version of them you have placed high up on that pedestal in your mind.

 

Rule 3 - Expectations are the source of disappointment.

 

- I know it sounds cynical, but all roads lead here. Im sure you are doing mental gymnastics right now, imagining how he or she is the one and its meant to be and things are gonna be different and you will change etc. etc. etc. Keep doing it.. keep building up the dream cause ur just gonna crash harder when you fall from those lofty heights. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.... there is a process you go thru.. and it sucks ass, but sadly there is no short cut.

 

Additional doses of reality:

 

(A) There is no such thing as the one. im sorry.. if you believe that you're.. well.. dumb, and f*cking your self in the long run. Dan Savage puts it best.... there is no "the one." there are "ones"... actually more like .84s and you round up to 1.0, cause you don't settle down without a little settling for. I sold myself on that one bull**** too... then while dating over the last two years, I learned that I could love new people and experience new things. Keep in mind i did this while still living a fairly domestic life with my ex and still loving him as well. I can guarnete you it will never be the same... ever, but it is different. I love my ex and always will, and im sure he loves me still too in his way, but our time is done.

 

(B) Nothing is meant to be. There is no master plan.. its all f*cking random. You aren't entitled to anything, you aren't suppoed to be living a better life, there isn't a purpose or a specifically designed lesson for your current suffereing... it just is. Im sure a lot of you religious folk are coming off the ground right now... save me the sermon I really don't care. All one has to do it look around at the world.... there are millions of people who got the real short end of the stick when they turned up on this planet; Severely handicapp, raped and brutally killed as children.. things along those lines - so If there is someone with some "master plan" for us all, well he either is completely incompetent, or just really doesn't give a f*ck. And don't give me the 'free will' talk, that is a lazy cop-out blanket excuse that is the arguement of last resort invoked by the pious.

 

© People don't change. They don't. People can alter their behaviour or beliefs, but they don't change their core personality traits. Understand these do evolve with age, but they don't drift very far from where they started.

 

So there we go.

 

What you are feeling now really comes down to attachment. Its a natual human experience that is necessary for the survival of our species. Its part of us all and its a force to be reckoned with.. Letting go is hard, what can I say. But thats life. Nothing lasts forever - not you nor I.

 

Things do get better. You won't wake up one day having turned a corner and everything is smooth sailing from there on in. I still have my dark days now and then but it improves.

 

I don't care if you like what I have had to say or don't. Its my experience and what I think. Its not right, its not wrong. Its just some guy thats come thru lifes a** hole, and sharing his take on it all.I haven't gone into a lot of detail about the events that unfolded for me, but rest assured its made for tv movie worthy. Luckily most of you arent going to have to endure what I did. So I can assure you... you are going to be ok.

 

You are stronger than you think, and with enough time you can get used to anything. Seriously..... Breathe, cause sh *t gets better... apparently."

[Yasuandio]

"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

(AKA; itchy feet, quarter life crisis, early-twenty-itus)

Pinned Thread by Homebrew in Breaking Up Forum

 

"I thought I would put together a thread here to provide some information on and a place to discuss this particular type of break up. I've had relationships end because of it along with a few of my friends. In addition, I've had friends be the ones stricken with this 'syndrome', so I've seen how it plays out from both sides. Hopefully, I can provide a little insight to help those of you going through this type of breakup. The more we understand something, the more comfortable with it we become and the less scary it seems.

 

In my opinion, outside of infidelity, this is one of the toughest types of breakups to go through. It seemingly comes out of nowhere, seems to have no rhyme or reason behind it, and it can strike even the best of couples. In your 'run of the mill' break up, there's usually an identifiable reason or set of reasons that led to the split, such as personality conflicts, fighting, different life goals, etc. These breakups are also difficult, but I've always found them a bit easier to cope with because you can identify a cause to the effect. Not so with the grass is greener syndrome. It's like going through a root canal even though your teeth are perfectly healthy.

 

This syndrome usually tends to fall on women within the age range of 20-25 (it happens to men, too, but seems to be less often). It usually happens in a long term relationship (maybe two or more years) when the couple is about to make a much larger commitment to each other, such as an engagement or marriage. It's as if the mixture between the person's young age and the thought of making such a huge commitment almost makes them want to go on the relationship equivalent of the Amish's Rumspringa.

 

Some of the classic symptoms of this are as follows:

 

• Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.

 

• Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.

 

• An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.

 

• Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.

 

• Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.

 

One of the biggest problems with these sorts of breakups is that the dumpee will be more likely to want to stick around in the dumpers life. Due to the dumper's extreme mixed signals and the fact that they'll try harder than usual to keep the dumpee around as a friend, the dumpee will make all sorts of excuses to stay around. They'll say things such as "She's just confused, so we're going to remain friends and see what happens". These sorts of breakups need to be treated like any other kind of breakup. Give the dumper as much space as possible and gracefully bow out of their life.

 

The thing to keep in mind is that in these sorts of breakups, the dumpers themselves don't have any sort of answers to give. They're usually just as confused about the situation as the dumpee. This often adds more pain to the dumpee because they're just looking for some sort of reason as to why they're being hurt so badly and get completely frustrated when the dumper can't give them one. They think the dumper may be acting cruel or like the dumper is hiding something from them. This is usually not the case. The dumper isn't giving any answers because they don't have them.

 

Now for the good news. If the dumpee does completely exit the dumpers life and resist the temptation to remain friends, the chance that the opportunity for reconciliation will arise is actually quite good. If the relationship was a good one, the dumper will find out eventually that the grass isn't greener, it's just different grass and may even be a little worse than the pastures they left. However, that doesn't mean that a reconciliation will happen. Due to the hurtfulness of this type of breakup, the dumpee will most often refuse the offer for reconciliation when it eventually comes up (which can be months or over a year down the line). Since the breakup happened out of nowhere and for no real good reason, it can be difficult for most people to get the trust back in the relationship. The fear that they'll suddenly be dumped out of nowhere will hinder the relationship from developing into anything. This is why I said the "opportunity" for reconciliation is a lot higher and not that actual reconciliations are common for these types of breakups.

 

So, my heart goes out to all of you enduring this particular type of breakup. Just remember, it's not your fault and it's not the dumper's fault, either. It's just due to human nature and unfortunate sets of circumstances. No amount of picking your ex's brain will result in any sort of meaningful answers to the questions that plague you. Just remember that this is a phase and it doesn't last forever. So, as long as your ex is in this phase, all you can do is go about living your own life and making yourself a better person.

 

If anyone has any questions, I'll be happy to give you my opinion on the matter.

 

Good luck, everyone."

[Yasuandio]

More Articles on GIGS

 

1. Grass is Greener Syndrome, written by Nathan Feiles, LCSW. Published: Relationships in Balance.

 

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships-balance/2013/03/16/the-grass-is-greener-syndrome/

 

2. Why the Grass is Never Greener and How to Be Happy Today, written by Katy Cowen. Published: Tiny Buddah: Simple Wisdom For Complex Lives.

 

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-the-grass-is-never-greener-and-how-to-be-happy-today/

 

3. Living With the 'Grass is Always Greener' Syndrome, written by Sheryl Paul. Published: Your Tango: Your Best Love Life, Expert Blog.

 

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/sheryl-paul/grass-always-greener-syndrome

 

4. Are You Suffering From "Grass is Always Greener" Syndrome in Love? written by Sheryl Paul. Published: MindBodyGreen.

 

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11509/are-you-suffering-from-grass-is-always-greener-syndrome-in-love.html

 

5. Avoid the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C. Anderson. Published: Family Life Today.

 

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/troubled-marriage/infidelity/avoid-the-greener-grass-syndrome#.UuRZZf08Kc0

 

6. All You Need To Know About GIGS, Blaze1'S Blog. Published: Relationship Talk.

 

http://www.relationshiptalk.net/all-you-need-to-know-about-gigs-grass-is-greener-syndrome-2076.html

 

7. Mythbusters: The Grass is NOT Always Greener on the Other Side of the Fence, written by Jennifer Kunst, Ph.D. Published: Psychology Today.

 

http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/headshrinkers-guide-the-galaxy/201107/mythbusters-the-grass-is-not-always-greener-the-other-sid

 

8. Overcoming the "Grass is Always Greener" Syndrome, written by Shannon Symonds. Published: Familyshare.

 

http://familyshare.com/overcoming-the-grass-is-always-greener-syndrome

 

9. The Grass is NOT Always Greener!. No author cited. Publihed: Creating Your Health.

 

http://www.creatingyourhealth.org/2013/07/the-grass-is-not-always-greener.html?m=1

 

10. Enjoy Your Midlife Crisis: The Grass is Greener Syndrome. No author cited. Published by Mid-Life Bachelor.com. Ladies, this one might tick you off, but it does lend insight.

 

http://www.midlifebachelor.com/crisis/crisis2.html

 

_____________________________

If you would like to post a reading on this thread, and are having dificulty - please feel free to PM me or the moderators for instructions. Hope all of you are well. Yas

Edited January 26, 2014 by Yasuandio

[Shocked Suzie]

thought I might share this on here, hope it helps others as it has really helped me. My situation what I thought was a classic "Mid life crisis" wasn't..it is in fact this.

 

 

the sad thing is that I could see these behaviours in his brother but not in my H... I cant believe I didn't recognize this before. The first link was given to me by a friend that thought it sounded very much like my ex...turn out she was 100% correct. The second I found interesting as it explains a little more and why a person marries a PA.

 

 

Interesting read for those dealing with a PA...hope it helps other too

 

 

Divorcing a Passive Aggressive Spouse - Passive Aggressive Spouse

Edited January 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator