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The past is in the past argument with sexual history in dating.

SJC2008

By SJC2008
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IHateHypocrites Member

IHateHypocrites

Posted
Posted

I don't believe "a past is a past" is EVER a counterargument. At least to some extent everyone has made up their minds about some events from past that they would consider deal-breakers.

 

For example, rejecting someone for criminal past clearly contradicts this saying. I'm not saying it's wrong or doesn't make sense (it does for me and I see nothing fundamentally wrong with it in general), but definitely "a past is a past" is a bad way to put things. I'd rewrite it as "What facts from the past can be relevant to current relationship?"

Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

Posted
Posted
So, my current man of a man of a sex godly man should be jealous of the pimple faced kid I awkwardly screwed in highschool?

 

It's not about jealously.

 

It's about pride.

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted

I wonder if someone would make a homofobic or racist comment if you would feel the same need to justify them as they are judgments :confused:

 

Sure, they are judgments. And this whole societal backlash against allegedly racist or x-phobic comments is created by an overly sensitive, overly accomodating, and overly politically correct society. If I make an observation about someone and use race as a determinative factor in that observation, does that suddenly make me racist? Seriously? :confused::laugh:

 

I think it's kind of ridiculous, so yes, I would have no issue justifying comments that reflect truth.

  • Like 3
Divasu Established Member

Divasu

Posted
Posted
It's not about jealously.

 

It's about pride.

 

Pride is a deadly sin. It is also known as vanity...

 

So is jealousy.

 

Crap, we're all sinners.

veggirl Established Member

veggirl

Posted
Posted
It's not about jealously.

 

It's about pride.

 

OMG that is pathetic to need to compare yourself (general) to a friggin high school relationship when you are mid30s. Like seriously. Pathetic. I'd legit have to dump a guy if his "pride" was hurt because of sex I had when I was 17!

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

I wonder if someone would make a homofobic orracistcomment if you would feel the same need to justify them as they are judgments :confused:

:laugh: you are definitely asking the wrong person

  • Like 1
silvermercy Established Member

silvermercy

Posted
Posted (edited)

That has nothing to do with what silvermercy does, she doesn't judge who is a valid partner for her or not, she is bluntly telling that people who do not act or think like her are weak, lacking character or will power... that is insulting and degrading people, not judging them.

umm... I am degrading people when I mention logical FACTS based on my own experience and countless of anecdotal evidence? okay... LOL

 

By the way, in most of my posts I have mentioned the word "risk". I hope people know the meaning of the word "risk".

Edited by silvermercy
Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

Posted
Posted (edited)
OMG that is pathetic to need to compare yourself (general) to a friggin high school relationship when you are mid30s. Like seriously. Pathetic. I'd legit have to dump a guy if his "pride" was hurt because of sex I had when I was 17!

 

Not really the high school scenario, but caring about a woman's past, in general. Or if he feels you treated a man that he feels is lesser, better than him. It's not really based in jealousy, IMO. It's more about them having a set of ideals or values in their mind about what he wants in a partner.

 

When a man finds out something about a woman that is against his values or ideals, or if he feels that you are not attracted to him, or treated other men better than him- I think he will often start feel bad about himself because he is accepting less than what he thinks he deserves. So those feelings he has makes the couple incompatible.

 

Men take pride in their jobs, kids, cars, houses, boats, etc. They want to be proud of their woman, too. Things from the past can tarnish that.

 

I'm not saying this is right or fair. I'm just trying to explain what I think the thought process may be.

 

And I agree with you that a woman whose past bothers her man should dump him, and not stay in the relationship and hide it or lie about it.

Edited by Quiet Storm
  • Like 2
Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

Posted
Posted
Pride is a deadly sin. It is also known as vanity...

 

So is jealousy.

 

Crap, we're all sinners.

 

 

Well I am not a believer, but I do remember this from the movie, Seven.

 

We all have negative emotions, but it is not good to ignore them, IMO. I think if you are dating, which is essentially a search for a compatible partner, it's better to find someone that inspires positive feelings in you.

 

Pride, insecurity, jealousy, whatever you want to call it, if there is something in your past that you feel your man may have a problem with, I would tell him. It's better that you find out early about that incompatibility.

dizy Established Member

dizy

Posted
Posted

For me, the past is not just the past. The past is part of this person's life and people carry their past into the present. They might learn from it, they might not. But isn't that how we relate to each other? "Oh you have been to xx country?" "I have been too and it was lovely"

 

It's not so much as what happened as a matter of fact but rather how the person perceives it. If a guy was unfaithful and he still defends people who are unfaithful then it gives a good idea of his values, in contrast to someone who says that he regrettes deeply what happened. They might both end up cheating, but theres really no reason to date the former one knowing that he thinks cheating is ok.

 

Yes people judge past sexual/emotional relationships. But isn't that just life? You walk into a bar/club/library/ anywhere and people will judge you based on your posture/cloth/facial expression/physical attributes.

 

How can people become emotional intimate if they don't share their life stories? Why would I want to have a "present" with a total stranger that i know nothing about?

  • Like 1
Divasu Established Member

Divasu

Posted
Posted
Well I am not a believer, but I do remember this from the movie, Seven.

 

And, the movie the Devils Advocate. Great movie...

 

We all have negative emotions, but it is not good to ignore them, IMO. I think if you are dating, which is essentially a search for a compatible partner, it's better to find someone that inspires positive feelings in you.

 

I agree, but, if someone suffers from retroactive jealousy that is their problem. As in the 'waiting' thread, and Stargazers comment above. Sadly, the person on the receiving end has to deal with it too, since they are the focus of blame in the sufferer's eyes.

therhythm Established Member

therhythm

Posted
Posted
Sure, they are judgments. And this whole societal backlash against allegedly racist or x-phobic comments is created by an overly sensitive, overly accomodating, and overly politically correct society. If I make an observation about someone and use race as a determinative factor in that observation, does that suddenly make me racist? Seriously? :confused::laugh:

 

I think it's kind of ridiculous, so yes, I would have no issue justifying comments that reflect truth.

 

This is ridiculous... I didn't ask you if you would defend someone who make a true assert about a concrete race or sexuality... a true statement about a race or sexuality is not a homophobic or racist statement... you can say in Africa most people is black, is a true statement about a race but it is not offensive or it doesn't express a feeling of superiority against any race... but if you say most black people are inferior to white people then is a racist statement, it can't be proven and is just made to offend people or to give a feeling of superiority to other people.

 

I don't have problems with people saying that they don't want a relationship with people who is too experienced or to inexperienced, that is a choice every person can make.. I don't base my choice in that area but I do judge the women and rule out women based on my own criteria.

 

But people saying that people who decide to have casual sex are of a lower value (less will power or less character,etc) than the ones who doesn't is not acceptable... it can't be proven, it is a comment just made up to feel better than other people because you have decided to follow a set of runes and other people don't feel compelled to follow the same set of rules you have marked for yourself.

 

Actually I don't know why I do even care... people with this kind of mentality (superiority feelings) not only don't make it to qualify for a partner but not even as a person I would like to have any contact with...

tbf Established Member

tbf

Posted
Posted

The past is the past except for...isn't a logical argument. It's a form of rationalization to avoid judgements for personal choices while personally judging others. Either you're nonjudgemental or any "except fors" are judgements, as are comments about insecurity and immaturity if people have differing values and observations.

 

I'll openly admit to judging partners, whether the judgement surrounds sexual numbers or their penchant for NSA sex.

Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

Posted
Posted
And, the movie the Devils Advocate. Great movie...

 

 

 

I agree, but, if someone suffers from retroactive jealousy that is their problem. As in the 'waiting' thread, and Stargazers comment above. Sadly, the person on the receiving end has to deal with it too, since they are the focus of blame in the sufferer's eyes.

 

I just see it as a compatibility issue. Regardless of the validity of his feelings, they dont make a good couple if he is making judgements about her past, and she is feeling judged.

 

Man or woman - if something in your past is opposite your partner's values, and you choose to keep it to yourself, you run the risk of that person changing their opinion of you based on that information.

 

I know people mature and change, but some people don't want to take that risk. They would rather look for someone they feel is more compatible.

ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

Posted
Posted
I just see it as a compatibility issue. Regardless of the validity of his feelings, they dont make a good couple if he is making judgements about her past, and she is feeling judged.

 

Man or woman - if something in your past is opposite your partner's values, and you choose to keep it to yourself, you run the risk of that person changing their opinion of you based on that information.

 

I know people mature and change, but some people don't want to take that risk. They would rather look for someone they feel is more compatible.

Some people feel disillusioned because they find it painstakingly difficult to find someone they want who is accepting of their past. Understandable.

Divasu Established Member

Divasu

Posted
Posted
I just see it as a compatibility issue. Regardless of the validity of his feelings, they dont make a good couple if he is making judgements about her past, and she is feeling judged.

 

Man or woman - if something in your past is opposite your partner's values, and you choose to keep it to yourself, you run the risk of that person changing their opinion of you based on that information.

 

I know people mature and change, but some people don't want to take that risk. They would rather look for someone they feel is more compatible.

 

Well, it IS a compatibility issue. Until the retroactive jealousy is cured, it will carry from one relationship to the next. That, or, they marry a virgin.

therhythm Established Member

therhythm

Posted
Posted
umm... I am degrading people when I mention logical FACTS based on my own experience and countless of anecdotal evidence? okay... LOL

 

By the way, in most of my posts I have mentioned the word "risk". I hope people know the meaning of the word "risk".

 

Ohh are we talking about risks?

 

Well a person with a low count has the following risks:

 

bad sex, prone to cheat as later in the relationship may feel that she/he has missed out in sexual experiences, socially awkward and not able to make contact with other people easily, insecure about his/her own capabilities when it comes about sex (this is usually covered by a veil of higher morality and judgmental attitude), did I mention bad sex... well it worth to mention it again ;)

tbf Established Member

tbf

Posted
Posted
Ohh are we talking about risks?

 

Well a person with a low count has the following risks:

 

bad sex, prone to cheat as later in the relationship may feel that she/he has missed out in sexual experiences, socially awkward and not able to make contact with other people easily, insecure about his/her own capabilities when it comes about sex (this is usually covered by a veil of higher morality and judgmental attitude), did I mention bad sex... well it worth to mention it again ;)

It floors me how you can be so judgemental and purport to nonjudgementalism. So many in this thread are doing the same. :eek:
  • Like 2
silvermercy Established Member

silvermercy

Posted
Posted
Ohh are we talking about risks?

 

Well a person with a low count has the following risks:

 

bad sex, prone to cheat as later in the relationship may feel that she/he has missed out in sexual experiences, socially awkward and not able to make contact with other people easily, insecure about his/her own capabilities when it comes about sex (this is usually covered by a veil of higher morality and judgmental attitude), did I mention bad sex... well it worth to mention it again ;)

Umm... NO. This is NOT the same!

The one is based on actual relationship DATA and your hypothetical scenario is based on LACK of data. Not the same really.

 

I'm also LOLing at how personally you have taken it compared to everyone in this thread! I mean.... LOL

  • Like 1
therhythm Established Member

therhythm

Posted
Posted
Umm... NO. This is NOT the same!

The one is based on actual relationship DATA and your hypothetical scenario is based on LACK of data. Not the same really.

 

I'm also LOLing at how personally you have taken it compared to everyone in this thread! I mean.... LOL

 

sorry but what data are you talking about?

silvermercy Established Member

silvermercy

Posted
Posted
sorry but what data are you talking about?

The one you keep ignoring.

therhythm Established Member

therhythm

Posted
Posted
The one you keep ignoring.

 

Present me the studies that back up your ideas and then I will not ignore them.

 

The lack of experience of someone says as much as the many experience of someone else... all is analyzable and all can be interpreted and risks can be measured. ;)

 

Your data...is just that... the facts you have been led to believe... but they have no more value than the ones that I have learn to believe too..

 

Yes I do take personal that people feel superior than others because they have decided to follow a set of rules and other people don't. It is utterly incorrect

kaylan Established Member

kaylan

Posted
Posted

Ive said it before and Ill say it again.

 

The past influences the present. It shapes who we are today so it will always matter.

 

If a prospective partner wants to know about elements of your past, they arent wrong or insecure for desiring that information. You have a right to withhold or tell them, just as they have a right to stay or leave.

 

Secrets arent good in a relationship. If you are ashamed or secretive about your past, than let that other person find someone whos more similar and compatible to them. They deserve that. They dont deserve to be hoodwinked by someone who cannot be truthful about who they are.

 

Quiet Storm mentioned some of this in a different thread. Keeping secrets like this only creates problems. People should have full disclosure upfront to avoid these things. Not be tricked into a relationship by someone who hid who they are.

  • Like 1
silvermercy Established Member

silvermercy

Posted
Posted (edited)
Present me the studies that back up your ideas and then I will not ignore them.

 

The lack of experience of someone says as much as the many experience of someone else... all is analyzable and all can be interpreted and risks can be measured. ;)

 

Your data...is just that... the facts you have been led to believe... but they have no more value than the ones that I have learn to believe too..

 

Yes I do take personal that people feel superior than others because they have decided to follow a set of rules and other people don't. It is utterly incorrect

I think you have a low self-esteem complex then because nobody said that one group is superior to the other. These are always YOUR own words.

 

All we said is there are facts (what we consider to be negative traits) that do not make you that desirable as a potential LTR partner.

 

Well, if all the hundreds or thousands of relationship forum threads do not provide enough evidence for you with then you must be living in a bubble... what can I say... Maybe you're an exception.

 

But if you want actual scientific research, too, then you can look up that science journal which more or less states that promiscuous men become desensitised to oxytocin (the bonding hormone) over time and this can affect their subsequent bonding with prospective partners. I don't remember the title but an abstract should be available on PubMed.

Edited by silvermercy
therhythm Established Member

therhythm

Posted
Posted
Ive said it before and Ill say it again.

 

The past influences the present. It shapes who we are today so it will always matter.

 

If a prospective partner wants to know about elements of your past, they arent wrong or insecure for desiring that information. You have a right to withhold or tell them, just as they have a right to stay or leave.

 

Secrets arent good in a relationship. If you are ashamed or secretive about your past, than let that other person find someone whos more similar and compatible to them. They deserve that. They dont deserve to be hoodwinked by someone who cannot be truthful about who they are.

 

Quiet Storm mentioned some of this in a different thread. Keeping secrets like this only creates problems. People should have full disclosure upfront to avoid these things. Not be tricked into a relationship by someone who hid who they are.

 

I totally agree, past influences the present... but that doesn't mean that we both agree in how a sexual past has influenced the present of the person.

having sex with many partners will give one a greater acquaintance with the variation in sexual needs, wants, wishes, and responses. One will probably develop better sexual technique. One will have more fun. Ample sexual experience enables partners intending to establish a committed exclusive relationship to do so without excessive regrets about what they never experienced.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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