The past is in the past argument with sexual history in dating.

July 7, 2013

I cannot separate love from sex and I'd like my man to feel the same. His past would give me an indication of that.

I think there are at least a couple ways folks that think this way may frown upon those who partake in varying amounts of casual sex...

(1) How do I know you like/love me when you have sex with me, when you have sex with people you don't like/love?

(2) Which is more true: you like/love me, so you want to have sex with me, or you like/love me, so you'll agree to stop having sex with everyone else...?

July 7, 2013

I think there are at least a couple ways folks that think this way may frown upon those who partake in varying amounts of casual sex...

(1) How do I know you like/love me when you have sex with me, when you have sex with people you don't like/love?

(2) Which is more true: you like/love me, so you want to have sex with me, or you like/love me, so you'll agree to stop having sex with everyone else...?

True. To these I would add:

3) How do I know you won't start reminiscing your past at some point in the future, especially if we go through a rough patch? Since you've proven you could do it easily the past, what guarantees you won't do it again?

July 7, 2013

This is one of those posts where I actually see people get passionate about something, it almost makes you guys....relatable!

Now I'm going to get an opportunity to play the "voice of reason" angle here and subdue or rationalize tempers because I'm such a peaceful and Dalai lama like individual.

Psychologically speaking, the past is not just the past....the past is extremely important in understanding a person, if not really the predictor or analysis that helps you understand the person as a whole, what they may do, what issues they may have, what habits occurred and what even their values are.

I'm not a psychologist however but I've encountered this in my life on several occasions, even while applying for jobs certain jobs (state and government positions). Guess what questions were asked besides the obvious employment history?

Not only was I asked specifically in writing and by an interviewing person how many sexual partners I had, but in some positions I was asked to write an elaborate story of my life from childhood to current. Now why would that be important if the "past is the past"? it obviously is very important, if anything it says everything about you, maybe not who you are currently but it is relevant...it's the evidence to your behavior, it's the reflection of at least something that a psychologists would be interested in...I have my own theories but I'm not qualified to state them as fact, but I can speculate through what I consider "common sense" why these would be relevant...therefore I don't know how anyone would merely dismiss the past as being the past...from one perspective, what can be more important than your past? if you do not define yourself through your actions, then what is it that you do define with yourself with? maybe not just your "sexual behavior" but do you really believe that there is possibly no psychological connection with you and your behavior, including sexual, that you may not simply understand?

So let's say a person did make a judgment, question your values, or observe you through your past behaviors as an indication...who get's the final say so in that? who moves that plastic little line saying "this past behavior was immoral while this was not"? who get's to determine what is "immoral" and what is not?

The other fact is simply that people make arguments and stand on their soap boxes all to often based on beliefs and emotions, not actual facts. Or even a balanced view which has seriously considered both sides of the argument...which is why you see two sides get nowhere because nobody is really considering the other persons argument or point of view..at least not seriously, emotionally they refuse that possibility or reality within their lives...why? because usually they are either..

A) Associated in said "judged" behavior, and therefore through self-preservation must defend it, regardless of being "wrong" or "right" about it...the question is not fact, but emotions

B) Emotional connection/investment in defense of someone they know/care about which would make that "argument" or "judgment" a threat to their beliefs or in defense of that particular person

C) Completely indifferent because having no personal connection to the argument, therefore not entirely interested in being in favor of nor resisting, it could go either way...no emotional investment

D) A self-imposed obligation to defend the minority/those who are being judged, simply because they can understand and relate to those who are being "attacked"

At the end of the day, there are a lot of pieces to the puzzle like there is in many things...nothing is ever as simple as people make it out to be, there's a deep psychological component at play here that you are not even aware of IMO...not to mention just human nature..however what you really have to ask yourself out of all of this is...

Why do YOU feel threatened or emotionally engaged in this particular argument?

July 7, 2013

Sure, but not everyone can. So it would make sense to find like-minded individuals who wouldn't judge someone negatively for it...?

Oh I agree with you in that... Everyone has their own reasons to choose or disqualify a partner and this is as good or bad as anything else... If am woman would disqualify me for this... Her loss some other woman gain

My point was that "promiscuous" people are not dogs and not everyone has sex for validation... MOST of us have sex because we like it;)

July 7, 2013

I am not a fan of "past is the past" argument. Personally, I feel more comfortable with a guy if he is open about his past. I am prepared to be open about mine; including the number of sexual partners. And I have some parts of my past that I am not proud of and that I would be and was judged harshly for.

I even think discussing the past is essential for any long term relationship. Unfortunately, as much as we would like to believe that we change, people rarely change that much.

July 7, 2013

Oh I agree with you in that... Everyone has their own reasons to choose or disqualify a partner and this is as good or bad as anything else... If am woman would disqualify me for this... Her loss some other woman gain

Indeed. So why don't a lot people share this mentality if someone judges them negatively for their sexual history...?

July 7, 2013

I am not a fan of "past is the past" argument. Personally, I feel more comfortable with a guy if he is open about his past. I am prepared to be open about mine; including the number of sexual partners. And I have some parts of my past that I am not proud of and that I would be and was judged harshly for.

I even think discussing the past is essential for any long term relationship. Unfortunately, as much as we would like to believe that we change, people rarely change that much.

And to demonstrate how I could have an easily biased argument in defense of the past being the past...

It would be a great argument/or the best logical defense for myself to attempt to extend If I were being typical about it and trying to avoid being persecuted or judged for my behavior, as someone who has been a

.

I could argue my past behavior of cheating is irrelevant, it is my life, my choices, my body and it doesn't reflect the pattern of behavior that will occur in the futureand it has nothing to do with you blah blah blah...even though cheating hurts other people, and there's nothing wrong with sleeping around if you're single so you're essentially hurting nobody yadda yadda yadda, everybody knows the spiel in defense of why that particular comparison is "moral" and the other "immoral".

People like to classify and simplify how one thing hurts yourself and the other hurts other people which is therefore the difference even if your actions indirectly hurt others or even yourself in a not so direct and obvious manner.

This is something that is socially acceptable to be shamed for "Cheating"...kind of like being a fatty. It's something that falls into the clause of universal "immoral and unacceptable or disgusting" behavior, as If a god himself plummeted from the sky and deemed it so...from my perspective it's all apart of the same psycho-analytical batch of information any psychologist would consider just as relevant as the other from an assessment point of view, it just points the arrow in different direction to what the "problems" or "issues" may be that caused that person to act out in that way.

Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem being open and honest about it personally when it is relevant (interpersonal not necessarily public), I don't feel judged and shamed especially by the likes of people who's deepest thoughts or understanding extend no further than the reach of their arms.

You won't see me in the cheaters section telling people "Oh you just don't understand, you don't get it, don't judge me!"...

Rabid crowd of people who have been cheated on or seen someone cheated on; "Quiet you scoundrel ::throwing tomatoes:: go back into the bowels of hell in which you came from! with such heinous and ludicrous acts of immorality"

If I were on a date and expressed that history and the woman simply stated "I'm sorry, I cannot date a cheater..it is an act I consider immoral"...then I'd ever so graciously bow out of that date if we could amicably finish dinner as "friends" not potential lovers...or not, and then still excuse myself with the utmost respect for her and her decision...after all, a mere incompatibility at best, no reason to defend myself unnecessarily or to convince her otherwise...I am "OK" with being judged, I can take it...I am not going to force or determine what another person classifies as immoral or moral with force of my own will/agenda...even though I could likely convincingly or manipulating-like omit the truth or cover up the past and make it look a lot less "cheat-y" like the majority of other men would simply do.

I'd throw a whole damn portfolio of information on the table, a thick packet of my history while I sip on my bowl of clam chowder as she sifts through the pages of my sexual escapades or relationships to determine If I was a "worthy" partner...I wouldn't give a damn, I'm not afraid of being scrutinized or judged...I'm comfortable and confident in myself and the likes of opinion of one woman on the planet isn't going to change that, nor will I throw it at her with arrogance as If none of means anything and I could care less...it might even include a brief explanation....and if anyone knows me, they know I can be brief! let's face it, her eyes would probably roll into the back of her head and a headache would ensure looking at the sheer amount of writing I'd include in there, but still, it would be there...and hopefully concise...I'd try, don't trip!

I personally think people should choose each other based on who they are, in their entirety and that judgment shouldn't be made on just about how you feel about it yourself...a relationship is a two way street, not just what you think or feel...I think that's what many people forget in this bitter defense and facade they are trying to create in their relationships and anything that can be taken in a negative life would be embarrassing or shameful lest they be left by this person who supposedly loves them for who they are...there's nothing more dishonest to me, than someone only trying to show the parts of themselves they want their partner to see because they want to manipulate and control their perception and retain their value in the eyes of their SO.

IMO what this is really about is how comfortable and accepting you are with yourself and who you are, and what you've done, or else you wouldn't feel the need to hide behind it or deem it irrelevant, in which you're really saying..."don't judge me, I am scared that you will leave me or won't choose me...I haven't completely accepted it or I've tried to bury so deep down that hopefully nobody will ever find it or even ask".

If you complete the circle of why something bothers you, it always comes back to you in the end...unfortunately most people only get half-way, which points the finger outward at you "the world".

July 7, 2013

Indeed. So why don't a lot people share this mentality if someone judges them negatively for their sexual history...?

I don't know... No one like to be judged for any reason...

I think ruling out someone because his /her sexual past is totally acceptable... Everyone has their own criteria... But slut shaming is a totally different thing and this kind of threads have the tendency to end up that way....

July 7, 2013

Why is "The past is in the past" a common argument when it comes to sexual history?? What if I was an ex con? Hey the past is the past right and none of your business! What if I was a recovering drug addict? The past is in the past right? "Oh but that's different those are crimes". You're right but why is my past your business??

Most of the women in the waiting thread used weak arguments like 'So if she put out on the first date with one guy she has to do it forever now?' Lol no, that's not the point. And 'She doesn't owe him anything' The point is that she was dating a couple men (It's in the OP for those who said she never said whe was multi dating) and slept with one of them and held out on the other. Basically, sewing her wild oats with one guy while acting like an agnel with the other "relationship material" guy.

My point is that I don't need a number or a checklist of all the things you've done but in an intimate relationship, TRUE intimacy involves getting to know someone, good AND bad. Alluding to CarrieT again she hit the nail on the head. 'I'd like to wait for a change and not rush into something'. My point is if you had a wild streak be honest about it, you don't have to go into specifices. Men and women hide themselves from their partners and we wonder why relationships fail at the rate they do and why the divorce rate is so high. So, why is "The past is the past" a common argument with sexual history when it comes to dating? Opinions on why, why not, how much, how little to divulge welcomed. If I need to clarify anything in the thread please let me know so we're all on the same page.

All that is clear from your post is that this issue bugs you more than it does other people. It bugs you so much that it bugs you that it doesn't bug other people as much as it bugs you. Are you afraid that they won't discuss it with you when you ask, or that they won't ask you when the time comes so that you can be boast about how virtuous you are, as if it has to be a major 'selling point' even if they don't think it is?

And really, to associate this single point as some sort major contributor to divorce rates is as about as far apart as you can get between potential cause and effect. It is only one possible contribution to possible divorce out of an almost countless number of frequently-quoted causes. Anecdotally, trust and respect as generic classes of contributory factors in divorce cases is significant.

However, the problem for you is how reliable is past behaviour as an indicator of current or future behaviour. For you it is quite clear. For me, it isn't. I know from my past experience, people do change their behaviour, for better or worse, often for the first time when they are put under extreme psychological or emotional pressure.

On top of all this, are people never to be forgiven for their past behaviour, for 'mistakes' if they must be labelled as such, or are they to be ever condemned?

If a woman picks up an STD, due to the reprehensible behaviour of a previous partner whom she mistakenly put her trust in, but has received treatment and is cured, is she really obliged to confess all to me unless, for some reason, she feels she wants to?

And you quote a really bad example to support your argument because that refers to current behaviour, not past behaviour.

The trouble is you have to start from a position of either you trust everyone until you find out otherwise or you distrust everyone until they prove otherwise. I have to tell you that the latter is the road to nowhere, to wilderness. The former is full of potential risk because we know people lie. We have had people lie to us again and again and we see and read about them lying to others, sometimes with pretty horrendous consequences.

Either you perceive and weigh up the risks involved in life and then decide whether taking a leap of faith is worth it or not, or you stay well out of it. THat is what I have done in the past, for reasons I won't bore you with but all I can tell you that it hasn't really served me that well. Sure it's safe but that is about all you can in it's favour. Follow suit if it suits you. Trying to force a middle ground of some sort isn't really your call. Never was and never will be. Accept it for what it really is.

July 7, 2013

And to demonstrate how I could have an easily biased argument in defense of the past being the past...

It would be a great argument/or the best logical defense for myself to attempt to extend If I were being typical about it and trying to avoid being persecuted or judged for my behavior, as someone who has been a
.

I could argue my past behavior of cheating is irrelevant, it is my life, my choices, my body and it doesn't reflect the pattern of behavior that will occur in the futureand it has nothing to do with you blah blah blah...even though cheating hurts other people, and there's nothing wrong with sleeping around if you're single so you're essentially hurting nobody yadda yadda yadda, everybody knows the spiel in defense of why that particular comparison is "moral" and the other "immoral".

People like to classify and simplify how one thing hurts yourself and the other hurts other people which is therefore the difference even if your actions indirectly hurt others or even yourself in a not so direct and obvious manner.

This is something that is socially acceptable to be shamed for "Cheating"...kind of like being a fatty. It's something that falls into the clause of universal "immoral and unacceptable or disgusting" behavior, as If a god himself plummeted from the sky and deemed it so...from my perspective it's all apart of the same psycho-analytical batch of information any psychologist would consider just as relevant as the other from an assessment point of view, it just points the arrow in different direction to what the "problems" or "issues" may be that caused that person to act out in that way.

Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem being open and honest about it personally when it is relevant (interpersonal not necessarily public), I don't feel judged and shamed especially by the likes of people who's deepest thoughts or understanding extend no further than the reach of their arms.

You won't see me in the cheaters section telling people "Oh you just don't understand, you don't get it, don't judge me!"...

Rabid crowd of people who have been cheated on or seen someone cheated on; "Quiet you scoundrel ::throwing tomatoes:: go back into the bowels of hell in which you came from! with such heinous and ludicrous acts of immorality"

If I were on a date and expressed that history and the woman simply stated "I'm sorry, I cannot date a cheater..it is an act I consider immoral"...then I'd ever so graciously bow out of that date if we could amicably finish dinner as "friends" not potential lovers...or not, and then still excuse myself with the utmost respect for her and her decision...after all, a mere incompatibility at best, no reason to defend myself unnecessarily or to convince her otherwise...I am "OK" with being judged, I can take it...I am not going to force or determine what another person classifies as immoral or moral with force of my own will/agenda...even though I could likely convincingly or manipulating-like omit the truth or cover up the past and make it look a lot less "cheat-y" like the majority of other men would simply do.

I'd throw a whole damn portfolio of information on the table, a thick packet of my history while I sip on my bowl of clam chowder as she sifts through the pages of my sexual escapades or relationships to determine If I was a "worthy" partner...I wouldn't give a damn, I'm not afraid of being scrutinized or judged...I'm comfortable and confident in myself and the likes of opinion of one woman on the planet isn't going to change that, nor will I throw it at her with arrogance as If none of means anything and I could care less...it might even include a brief explanation....and if anyone knows me, they know I can be brief! let's face it, her eyes would probably roll into the back of her head and a headache would ensure looking at the sheer amount of writing I'd include in there, but still, it would be there...and hopefully concise...I'd try, don't trip!

I personally think people should choose each other based on who they are, in their entirety and that judgment shouldn't be made on just about how you feel about it yourself...a relationship is a two way street, not just what you think or feel...I think that's what many people forget in this bitter defense and facade they are trying to create in their relationships and anything that can be taken in a negative life would be embarrassing or shameful lest they be left by this person who supposedly loves them for who they are...there's nothing more dishonest to me, than someone only trying to show the parts of themselves they want their partner to see because they want to manipulate and control their perception and retain their value in the eyes of their SO.

IMO what this is really about is how comfortable and accepting you are with yourself and who you are, and what you've done, or else you wouldn't feel the need to hide behind it or deem it irrelevant, in which you're really saying..."don't judge me, I am scared that you will leave me or won't choose me...I haven't completely accepted it or I've tried to bury so deep down that hopefully nobody will ever find it or even ask".

If you complete the circle of why something bothers you, it always comes back to you in the end...unfortunately most people only get half-way, which points the finger outward at you "the world".

I confess that I had a relationship where I deliberately omitted some parts of my past that portrayed me in a less flattering light. It seemed like "the easiest" and best thing to do at the time. While I didn't straight up lie, I carefully choose what I presented. And this worked for a while. But what I found was that:

a) I was being manipulative and deceitful

b) I was deciding in advance for this guy of what would be acceptable to him and not letting him decide for himself

c) It created an invisible wall from my side where I couldn't really connect or fall in love

d) I was growing resentful of him because I thought he would not accept me for who I really am. I became snappy and created pointless arguments and he had no idea why

e) It just took too much effort in trying to line up all my past stories

I have now come to a point where for me to enter a relationship with a guy, he would absolutely have to accept me for who I am. Without this, relationship is just built on an illusion that will fall apart apart sooner or later.

July 7, 2013

My point was that "promiscuous" people are not dogs and not everyone has sex for validation... MOST of us have sex because we like it;)

A gazillion of non-promiscuous people have sex because they like it, too, so I don't understand this statement to be honest...

So, no, it has to be another reason for people being promiscuous... Maybe it's because they just can't resist temptation (I find that a big negative trait in life and LTRs).

July 7, 2013

I have no problem accepting that knowing and understanding my past is a fundamental part of knowing who I am. Of course I can change, we all change, but we change from something to something. I certainly want the support of my partner making that change, which they can't do if I don't tell them about it. And If I don't tell them, I'm rather not telling myself, am I? I just want to bury it. And be free to make mistakes again, and then promise myself I'll change later. I want the truth known so I have something to grade myself against.

All any of us really are is what we've done before. Withholding parts of that because you don't want it known is really just not representing a true complete picture of yourself. You want your partner to know a true complete picture don't you? If not... what are you doing?

I also want to know the truth, so I know what I'm getting into. I want to see the sign on the wall saying "This factory has run X days without an accident".

July 7, 2013

I think past is in the past. I don't negatively judge anyone off the bat - especially not because of a number.

Similarly however, I understand that people judge others and I'm accepting of that. To flip the argument a little, how many inexperienced late-bloomer guys can confidently say to a woman "the past is the past" with regards to their lack of intimacy and not be a little judged .

I wouldn't have a big problem dating a promiscuous woman, mostly because it wouldn't matter that much to be and I'm not intimidated by her past and who is in it.

July 7, 2013

A gazillion of non-promiscuous people have sex because they like it, too, so I don't understand this statement to be honest...
So, no, it has to be another reason for people being promiscuous... Maybe it's because they just can't resist temptation (I find that a big negative trait in life and LTRs).

The fact is that people who has sex when they want it is not because they could not resist to the temptation... :lmao: They didn't want to resist because they don't see any bad in enjoying their sexual life in the way they want to...

I don't mind if there is people who rule out others for their sexual past, everyone has their own criteria when choosing a partner but you are trying to imply a lack of character or lack of will power in those that don't think or act like you and that is really wrong and very unintelligent and judgmental.

July 7, 2013

Why is "The past is in the past" a common argument when it comes to sexual history?? What if I was an ex con? Hey the past is the past right and none of your business! What if I was a recovering drug addict? The past is in the past right? "Oh but that's different those are crimes". You're right but why is my past your business??

Most of the women in the waiting thread used weak arguments like 'So if she put out on the first date with one guy she has to do it forever now?' Lol no, that's not the point. And 'She doesn't owe him anything' The point is that she was dating a couple men (It's in the OP for those who said she never said whe was multi dating) and slept with one of them and held out on the other. Basically, sewing her wild oats with one guy while acting like an agnel with the other "relationship material" guy.

The argument in the 'waiting thread', was not based on personal values as presented by the person on the receiving end (the 'BF'). It was the fact that one person had to 'wait' as opposed to other people in the past.

If we're going to debate, let's base it on the facts presented to us first.

As it relates to THIS thread, my concern is not whether a guy said 'I love you' to me after x amount of months as opposed to saying it on the first date with a different woman in his past.

My concern, is whether or not he is capable of a long term monogamous relationship and that will eventually come out through the course of our relationship. Of course, one can consider someone's past sexual history as an indicator of future behavior based on what they know and it will either match in terms of personal values and subsequent compatibility or it won't.

My ex of 6 years had been with a small number of women, and he cheated during the course of our relationship. Compared to another boyfriend I was with for several years, slept with 30+ women by the age of 22. He was faithful throughout the entire relationship. So, their prior sexual history, meant squat in those two relationships. I did not know about their sexual history until way into the relationship and the information was voluntarily given to me.

TRUE intimacy involves getting to know someone, good AND bad.

Agreed. Now, as far as illegal activity, that is a whole other ball of wax and needs to be treated differently.

July 7, 2013

Why is "The past is in the past" a common argument when it comes to sexual history?? What if I was an ex con? Hey the past is the past right and none of your business! What if I was a recovering drug addict? The past is in the past right? "Oh but that's different those are crimes". You're right but why is my past your business??

Most of the women in the waiting thread used weak arguments like 'So if she put out on the first date with one guy she has to do it forever now?' Lol no, that's not the point. And 'She doesn't owe him anything' The point is that she was dating a couple men (It's in the OP for those who said she never said whe was multi dating) and slept with one of them and held out on the other. Basically, sewing her wild oats with one guy while acting like an agnel with the other "relationship material" guy.

My point is that I don't need a number or a checklist of all the things you've done but in an intimate relationship, TRUE intimacy involves getting to know someone, good AND bad. Alluding to CarrieT again she hit the nail on the head. 'I'd like to wait for a change and not rush into something'. My point is if you had a wild streak be honest about it, you don't have to go into specifices. Men and women hide themselves from their partners and we wonder why relationships fail at the rate they do and why the divorce rate is so high. So, why is "The past is the past" a common argument with sexual history when it comes to dating? Opinions on why, why not, how much, how little to divulge welcomed. If I need to clarify anything in the thread please let me know so we're all on the same page.

I hope you're not assuming that it's only women who want to leave the past in the past.

Personally, I will judge a woman based on her sexual history. Too many, too wild, a virgin, etc. It's just the way I am.

But, I have found a very effective solution to this problem: I don't ask, nor do I want to know.

That way, I don't have to judge, and as a bonus, I don't have to reveal my lack of experience (never kissed, never had sex, etc.). Don't ask, don't tell...

July 7, 2013

Why is "The past is in the past" a common argument when it comes to sexual history?? What if I was an ex con? Hey the past is the past right and none of your business! What if I was a recovering drug addict? The past is in the past right? "Oh but that's different those are crimes". You're right but why is my past your business??

I'm a big proponent of informed choice, particularly in matters of some importance. Entering into a relationship, no matter how casual or serious, is not what I would label an insignificant choice, and I feel it necessary to gather whatever information I deem relevant in making my choice to commit.

A woman's sexual history is a part of that information. Different aspects of that history will weigh more or less depending on what I am looking for at that time in my life, but her history should generally be open to me.

My history is also hers to scrutinize. I do no ask for what I am unwilling to give.

Most of the women in the waiting thread used weak arguments like 'So if she put out on the first date with one guy she has to do it forever now?'

She doesn't have to do anything. There is no compulsion in dating. That said, just as I explained in the other thread, I am not willing to give maximum investment for what other men have received for comparatively less investment. If she has given her body to a prior suitor within hours of knowing him, why do I have to wait several months for the same offer? Why is the "price" so inflated for me?

This is another excellent reason to know sexual history. If she has been highly sexual with the men before me, why the sudden change when I enter the picture? Is it because she has less attraction for me than she had for them? In my experience, this is almost always the case.

There are other possible explanations. Maybe she's experiencing a great leap in maturity at the time that I happen to come into her life, and she wants to forge new behavior in her romantic/sexual relationships. I get that, but I don't want to be the guinea pig.

July 7, 2013

but you are trying to imply a lack of character or lack of will power in those that don't think or act like you and that is really wrong and very unintelligent and judgmental.

Well I certainly DO believe a lot of them have lack of will-power among many other negative things which makes them less than ideal for LTRs.

July 7, 2013

...but you are trying to imply a lack of character or lack of will power in those that don't think or act like you and that is really wrong and very unintelligent and judgmental.

But didn't we just previously discuss in another thread that everyone judges, but everyone hates to be judged? This appears to be a fine example.

We are fine to judge, but if the judgment is against us, then it is clearly wrong...?

July 7, 2013

But didn't we just previously discuss in another thread that everyone judges, but everyone hates to be judged? This appears to be a fine example.

We are fine to judge, but if the judgment is against us, then it is clearly wrong...?

You are mixing apples with oranges...

First, my comment was in this thread not in any other one.

Secondly I am ok with people deciding to rule out of a relationship other people for the reasons they decide to do it... I don't really care... I do have my own criteria on how I choose a partner too... so yes, judging who is the right person for you is a right we all have.

That has nothing to do with what silvermercy does, she doesn't judge who is a valid partner for her or not, she is bluntly telling that people who do not act or think like her are weak, lacking character or will power... that is insulting and degrading people, not judging them.

I could say that people who didn't have much sex experiences are bad sex, or retarded, or just lack the social or attracting capabilities to get laid and they are just insecure people... but I don't because I know is not the case of everyone. You can give your opinion in a constructive manner (I would do...) or in a unintelligent and offensive way ( who doesn't do what I do is....), the first one can be used by people as is based in life experience, the second one is just a manipulative way to say you know better than anyone else and those who don't follow your way are of a lower worth than you... That is not helping anyone but looking for inflammatory reactions and another way of fanaticism

July 7, 2013

That has nothing to do with what silvermercy does, she doesn't judge who is a valid partner for her or not, she is bluntly telling that people who do not act or think like her are weak, lacking character or will power... that is insulting and degrading people, not judging them.

If you really want to play the semantics game, then I'll offer this. All insults and degradations are judgments, while not all judgments are insults and degradations. Think of each of them as a circle. Judgment is the big circle encompassing many different things, both positive and negative. Meanwhile, insults and degradations are smaller circles that fit inside the circle of judgment.

Judgment is nothing more than assessing and coming to a conclusion about someone based on any number of factors. In this case, a conclusion was drawn about you based on your sexual tendencies, i.e., judgment was passed. And in this case, I suppose you took offense to this judgment and summarily declared it wrong simply because you judge yourself differently. That is, based on your circumstances, you come to a different conclusion.

July 7, 2013

I could say that people who didn't have much sex experiences are bad sex, or retarded, or just lack the social or attracting capabilities to get laid and they are just insecure people... but I don't because I know is not the case of everyone.

And you are free to do so if you believe it. However, you say you don't believe it to be true. The difference here is, silvermercy does believe her conclusion is true, based on her life experiences which you go on to credit as a viable source.

July 7, 2013

And you are free to do so if you believe it. However, you say you don't believe it to be true. The difference here is, silvermercy does believe her conclusion is true, based on her life experiences which you go on to credit as a viable source.

What I believe is that people who feel better than others are usually much worse... and really boring to date.

Yes I do take offense when someone who doesn't know me says that I do not have will power just because I do not share on her moral values...

While insults may be judgement are the lower stratification of those and outside of this forum guidelines...

I wonder if someone would make a homofobic or racist comment if you would feel the same need to justify them as they are judgments

July 7, 2013

I don't mean to start this kind of argument but if the person before you gets the star treatment while you get crumbs then yes that is a reason to worry. If your man's ex got the full gentleman treatment while you were lucky to get a card on your birthday would you not wonder what was wrong?

I don't buy it. I am not the person before and the dynamic between me and each person I date is different. And that dynamic is never static. Carry that forward. If hubby and I gave an argument and we resolve it we don't have the exact same argument the next day. Even after 30 years our relationshop is ever changing so why would dating he any different?

I understand the insecuritiesco of youth. He had more sexual partners than me. I dated more people. We talked about it. When we decided to rake our relationshp to a sexual level I was insecure. He had been engaged before too. He'd been in that relationship longer than we had been together and longer than any relationship I'd had. Heck, the girl still called him all the time and they talked a lot. I talked to her a couple of times when I answered the phone. She seemed like a nice woman and I fained some insight into hubby by the way he treated her and the feelings he had for her. Strangely enough I had some personal insecurities but I was never jealous or worried he would leave me and go back to her.

Our past IS our past - but its also the building blocks of who we are now.

July 7, 2013

I'm not into sharing #s but that doesn't make me secretive about my past. My bf knows I've had casual sex and relationship sex. I know the same about him. The exact details aren't necessary. I know he partied and hooked up and he knows I did. I know he has had LTR and he knows I have. Why go into the details, I just don't see the necessity. If someone knows I had casual sex and is not okay with it, then fine, I don't care....we all have our preferences/dealbreakers, but I'm not about to divulge exact details just to satisfy someone's morbid curiosity. If he were like "okay was it casual sex ONCE?" I would say "no" and leave it at that. I don't lie about my past or anything like that....I've NEVER come across a man, as an adult (out of college or past college aged) that has asked for the nitty gritty deets. I can't even imagine it.

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The past is in the past argument with sexual history in dating.

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