Should I tell my son about his father?

[lollipopspot]

Haven't seen my daughter in a year after me and my ex split. I wonder everyday if she asks about me, or if my ex's bf has been a consolation.

 

Can you file for visitation?

[lollipopspot]

It was a mutual decision that me my ex came too (I know it seems like a rotten thing to do).

 

My ex ran a lot with drug user/convicts, and before we broke up I caught her in bed with a naked dude with my daughter in the same bed. I tried to take her, but my ex had a court order for me to give her back. We never went back to court, but we decided one of us would be taking care of her from then on. My ex would end up moving out with this guy a few weeks after our break-up and wouldn't tell me where it was. Ultimately, it would be my ex that would be taking care of her because I know my daughter loves her mother very much (more than me).

 

It was for the best, because I couldn't deal with my daughter being around drug users, convicts, and whoever else. I was very protective of her, and couldn't deal with the stress of it. Everything was out of my control. My daughter was so confused, and she was upset when she didn't have her mommy at the end of the night the days I had her. The last time I talked to my ex (4 months ago), she said that they talk about me sometimes, but wasn't too upset I wasn't around.

 

I have hopes my daughter will call me one day, but I don't bank on it. Miss her dearly.

 

I think if you don't show her that you care now, by trying to see her - even by fighting to see her if necessary - she will not believe that you cared, and it will be impossible to convince her otherwise, as she gets older.

 

This arrangement seriously doesn't seem like it's best for your daughter. The mother sounds unstable and the men sound dangerous. If you can be a strong presence I can't imagine that that wouldn't be best. Children adapt to the life that they know, good or bad. Only when they get older and wiser do they develop rage at their mistreatment. If you had had your daughter all this time she probably wouldn't be talking about her mother much either. She's adapting to her situation.

 

It's not my business, but I strongly urge you to be in her life, as much as humanly possible. In fact, from what you just wrote, I think the child should be taken away from the mother - she's in danger (around drug abusers/convicts, in bed with a naked man) and the mom should have child services called on her. If I had the personal information, I'd call myself today to investigate, it's that bad. Don't mean to make you feel bad, it's just concerning to read what you wrote!

Edited October 20, 2013 by lollipopspot

[Stayinsilence]

They might let him go home tomorrow, he's doing a lot better. My parents came and my mom brought pictures from when his dad and I were together. He loved them and wanted stories about them all. He was so happy.

[Stayinsilence]

We have an interview with the prison on the 13th and a visit with my ex the following day. My son is so excited, but I'm nervous... I just don't want him to be disappointed. I couldn't be there without letting them meet though.

[Stayinsilence]

We visited my ex in prison... "Daddy" I kept wondering if I was dreaming the whole time. It's all my son can talk about, which is nice actually...

[dreamingoftigers]

I'd go ahead and lay it out in an age-appropriate way. Something like this:

 

"Son, your dad did a bad thing, and the police caught him and he had to go to jail because of what he did. He and his friends decided to rob a store/house/whatever, and when you make a bad choice like that you have to go to jail. He loves you, and wishes he hadn't done it. I love you, and it will be okay."

 

I was amazed it took this far down the page for someone to say it!

 

Yes, your son needs to know that his Dad wanted to be there for him but he made a bad choice that separated him from his son.

 

Now, and here's another fun part of all of this for you: I think you should absolutely read the letters to you son (unless they get weird or inappropriate, but it doesn't sound like it).

 

This man is obviously not Father of the Year and can't remove what he's done in any way. But he is doing something more than A LOT of Dads who are out of prison are doing: he's showing interest in his son. Verifiable, consistent interest that is physically preserved. He's asking your son about your son.

 

For a kid that already is having a tough time dealing without a Dad, that's a small thread of reassurance.

 

PLUS telling him that his Dad is "doing something important" kind of stinks. If I was a kid, I would ask myself why I wasn't important. Just like the other kids have Dads around. Apparently they weren't doing things "too important."

 

I DO NOT think at this age your son needs to know that his father had a (huge) hand in the death of someone. That's just too horrific. But he could very easily be told about being arrested and jailed. And that it was a BAD CHOICE. I would not villify his father. But be very clear about it being his behaviour that was the issue. Make it clear what different choices his father could have made instead.

 

In Canada, here the prison system tries to keep the kids in contact with mothers in prison. Including nursing them etc. it turns out that it is actually better for both the parent and the child. I am not saying to go that far but given how his father is regarding your son, your son may wish to meet him one day. This would be something to explore with a counselor for sure.

 

Has his father accepted responsibility for his actions?

 

And by the way a kid that are isn't likely to think "why wasn't I more important than a robbery?" Kids do stuff all the time that they shouldn't and they get caught. When he's older it will become more apparent. But hopefully by then he'll be mature enough to handle the answers he finds after he asks the question.

[dreamingoftigers]

We visited my ex in prison... "Daddy" I kept wondering if I was dreaming the whole time. It's all my son can talk about, which is nice actually...

 

I just read your whole thread.

I don't know you or anything but I'm really proud of YOU.

 

You've handled this so beautifully and you've been taking the hits on all of the other challenges that face being a single Mom with next to no involvement from the father. PLUS looking past your own pain and trauma (and bullcrap from your parents) to walk your son through all of this. All while he's been ill and working through his stuttering etc.

 

You didn't let your resentment colour his relationship with his bio-Dad abd you didn't push anything on him one way or the other. You let it evolve abd you did it honestly!

 

You deserve Mom of the Year for just the space between July and now!

 

Congratulations!

[Stayinsilence]

It was interesting to watch them interact, they both had so many questions for each other about family, friends, work, school, interests, and their rooms. They both established a dislike for my boyfriend, especially when his tattoos came up (neither my ex or I have tattoos).

 

He told him about our first date, a story I had also told him. there were a lot of differences in the ways we thought of each other and ourselves. I thought I was smart and witty, where he thought I was silly and spacey and way too pretty for him but he knew we would be together forever.

 

They read together and played and had fun together. We took pictures, one went with him and the other went with us. Leaving hurt the worst... We all cried for that one.

 

I still love him.

[dreamingoftigers]

It was interesting to watch them interact, they both had so many questions for each other about family, friends, work, school, interests, and their rooms. They both established a dislike for my boyfriend, especially when his tattoos came up (neither my ex or I have tattoos).

 

He told him about our first date, a story I had also told him. there were a lot of differences in the ways we thought of each other and ourselves. I thought I was smart and witty, where he thought I was silly and spacey and way too pretty for him but he knew we would be together forever.

 

They read together and played and had fun together. We took pictures, one went with him and the other went with us. Leaving hurt the worst... We all cried for that one.

 

I still love him.

 

And you probably always will.

 

When we have a child with someone it is very difficult for that switch to be turned "off."

 

I'm sure a lot of posters might feel the need to jump all over that because plenty of threads detail women "loving" someone as a reason to run off into the sunset with the object of their affections.

 

I think you are much more mature than that. Loving him to the extent that you do is probably why it's hurt so so much over the past five years on top if the circumstance itself.

 

I know as a mother that seeing your child happy together with their father is one if the most beautiful things ever. Even though my husband has been historically miserable, I see the two of them together, (my daughter is the "cute little girl version" of him), and it warms my heart no matter how much he's put me through.

 

It's tough. But such is life as well. Hopefully your son learns very clearly that impulsive and selfish choices can have very serious consequences and not just for the person who chooses them.

 

I think this whole thing has probably been very therapeutic for you and that seeing him really brought the whole situation into focus.

 

I can't imagine how hard it would be to accept that someone you cared so deeply about made such a hard-to-comprehend choice that had such an effect on your (and your sons) future. You seem like a very smart person and I'm sure thàt you'll continue to come to terms with it.

 

On a side note I almost wonder if telling your son that his father was "away doing something important" was partially a coping skill for you às well considering the emotional impact of having to accept his actions and subsequent imprisonment.

 

I wish I could just box up and send the warm regards I have for you.

Regàrdless of the crappy situation that occurred with his father, so many kids would be envious to have the mother your son has.

[Stayinsilence]

Thank you, I'll be the first to admit I can over parent. I hate leaving him behind when I go out, I count the minutes until I get home to snuggle him. It's strange as I had no interest in parenting and I admit even him for the first two weeks, now there's nothing else but him.

[Stayinsilence]

His stutter is getting soooooo much better. Ahh I'm just so happy

[Stayinsilence]

The only thing he asked Santa for for Christmas was money to give me so we could go see his dad... I feel so horrible because I can't give it to him...