Author Stayinsilence Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 We finished the letter, which just said basic things, he likes to sing and just got a guitar. He will be taking lessons soon, he likes movies, and reading bedtime stories. It asked things about my ex, what movies he likes, how many he friends he has, if he likes to read too. I decided to give him some pictures I had done a few months ago. I put the date and my son's age on the back. We put it in the mail and when the mailman pulled up he started trembling because he was so excited. I told him daddy's probably going to get the letter in five days. (in addition to getting there, the letter will go through an inspection). I'm pretty excited too to tell the truth. Hopefully the letter he sends back is as wonderful as my son wants it to be. I'm not sad he's gone, but I'm angry. I know people think I'm stupid for getting involved with him. I honestly had no idea he was going to do that. People think that he's some sort of thug, but he's not. He always dressed nice, was sweet to me, he's smart, great at his job. I still am in shock he did something so irresponsible and stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 In reading back over my earlier response (OMG, do I have such an ego that I come back and read my own posts? ), I wanted to make a small clarification on one point: Keep it honest and real, because your son is going to figure it all out sooner or later, and for the good of your relationship with him, you want him to know that you were straight with him all along the way. When I said for the good of your relationship with him, I wasn't just talking about keep a good relationship for your own benefit. My point is that you are the parent who is present and supportive and there for his developmental processes. The parent. The only parent. My point about preserving your relationship was that for your son's development, he needs to know he can count on you to be straight with him about the important things. Even the difficult things - especially the difficult things. If you continued down the path of deceiving him (sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's what it was, right?), then the stress behind that deception would gradually grow, and the longer it went on, the bigger the earthquake would be when it broke loose. And it's hard to say what kind of damage that might have done to his trust in you, his ability to count on you for support, about this, as well as other important issues in his life. If you're straight with him - like I said, even for the difficult issues - then you will build a relationship in which he knows he will be supported, and he knows he can count on you. The truth of his father's situation is a bit of a bummer hand he was dealt, and while it certainly doesn't define his whole life, it is a part of it; you're better off supporting him in gradually figuring it all out and how it fits into his life as he grows up, instead of trying to protect him now, only to have that earthquake break loose later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stayinsilence Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 He wrote back, his letter was very sweet. He answered all my son's questions and talked about his job and how he's the best at it. I've read it for him probably twenty times. He was very happy that his daddy took the time to write him. My ex also wrote me, he thanked me for the picture and said he broke down and cried. He said all his friends were happy for him. He said he wished I had written him too, but understood why I didn't. It was the first time I've gotten an apology He asked if it was ok if he called him. We have to be put on a List and approved, then only he can call us, we can't call him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stayinsilence Posted August 21, 2013 Author Share Posted August 21, 2013 We've continued writing him letters, they're getting more personal on both Sides... It's difficult for me to do but it makes my son's heart swell with happiness so I do it... I never wanted anything to do with him again. My dad plays the song "Folsom prison blues" whenever I see him to embarrass me. Last month he played it in front of my son who replied "my daddy lives there" it was very uncomfortable and my parents were angry I told him about his father, it hurt me bad. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 We've continued writing him letters, they're getting more personal on both Sides... It's difficult for me to do but it makes my son's heart swell with happiness so I do it... I never wanted anything to do with him again. My dad plays the song "Folsom prison blues" whenever I see him to embarrass me. Last month he played it in front of my son who replied "my daddy lives there" it was very uncomfortable and my parents were angry I told him about his father, it hurt me bad. Your parents don't mind needling you by playing that song, but are angry you told your son the truth? That's a double dose of BS behavior. Sorry that they're being jerks about this. You're doing the right thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stayinsilence Posted August 23, 2013 Author Share Posted August 23, 2013 My dad loves to watch me get flustered when he turns it on and sings with it to add to the discomfort it causes me. When he first started it it made me cry, but now I just get annoyed. When my son said something about his dad my parents just said "how can you be ok with telling him he's the son of trash" I just said I had no reason to hide it and he wanted to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stayinsilence Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 HE GOT HIS FIRST PHONE CALL FROM HIS DADDY TODAY! I answered and his first words were "hey Babe, I miss you." I didn't respond and called my son, then told him the phone was for him. His stutter was really bad because he was so excited. They talked about how much they loved each other and missed each other... I had to leave the room because I was crying, it was so intense. My ex told my son to come visit him so they could read together. My son was happier than I've ever seen him, and asked his dad when he could come home. After they talked he gave me the phone my ex asked me why I didn't tell him my son stutters... I just said that it shouldn't matter. He agreed and asked me to please bring him to see him... I don't think it's a good idea but told him I'd think about it. My son just keeps asking and it breaks my heart... Link to post Share on other sites
boricuacherry Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 As long as your reading the letters before your son sees them (making sure nothing is in there that is inappropriate for a 6 year old), I don't see any reason to not let your son feel as if he has a father who cared enough to write him letters, even if what he did was a horrible thing. When he gets older, he may wonder why his father never cared about him, and cause him to feel unworthy. You should explain what his father did was a bad thing, and that's why he's being punished for it, but let him see the letters. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stayinsilence Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 As long as your reading the letters before your son sees them (making sure nothing is in there that is inappropriate for a 6 year old), I don't see any reason to not let your son feel as if he has a father who cared enough to write him letters, even if what he did was a horrible thing. When he gets older, he may wonder why his father never cared about him, and cause him to feel unworthy. You should explain what his father did was a bad thing, and that's why he's being punished for it, but let him see the letters. I have, and they are quickly becoming his favorite thing in the world. He's actually starting to be a little less nervous now, which is great! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stayinsilence Posted September 6, 2013 Author Share Posted September 6, 2013 We haven't got a letter since the 26th, my son is devastated. That man has written me at least twice a week six years, and when it finally is something wanted, nothing. Furious doesn't begin to describe my feelings! I don't understand it! How could a person be so inconsiderate? Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 How does he fund postage & phone calls? Has he been ill or isolated for some reason? Has your son sent him mail? Are you on the visitation list? Why not call a chaplain? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 We haven't got a letter since the 26th, my son is devastated. That man has written me at least twice a week six years, and when it finally is something wanted, nothing. Furious doesn't begin to describe my feelings! I don't understand it! How could a person be so inconsiderate? I think in all of this whole process, from the big picture down to the details, a key philosophy is going to be: keep expectations low. You really don't know if you can count on this guy to any degree, and you don't want to put your son in a position of having high expectations that you have NO control over meeting, because that's in the hands of his dad. How could a person be so inconsiderate? I don't mean to be harsh, but this is a guy who chose to be involved in an armed robbery, and made decisions and carried out actions (whether primary or as an accomplice) that resulted in people's deaths in the process of committing that crime. The question of how he could be so inconsiderate pretty much assumes that you are discussing a normal, sensible, rational person, and that is not the case here. Low expectations has to be the name of the game here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stayinsilence Posted September 7, 2013 Author Share Posted September 7, 2013 I think all prisoners are given five courtesy letters if they can't pay for them. I don't know who else he'd have to write, let alone five other people... He works in the metal fabrication unit so he's got a job to buy things. I'm pretty sure he can write when he's in confinement, but I know he used it as an excuse before in an older letter. He could be sick, I would buy that. Or he's being a jerk. I honestly hope it's because he is really sick. He has to send me paperwork for visitation if I decide we should go see him. I have thought about calling, but I think they'll only talk to an immediate family member, which I am not. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 8, 2013 Share Posted September 8, 2013 I think all prisoners are given five courtesy letters if they can't pay for them. I don't know who else he'd have to write, let alone five other people... He works in the metal fabrication unit so he's got a job to buy things. I'm pretty sure he can write when he's in confinement, but I know he used it as an excuse before in an older letter. He could be sick, I would buy that. Or he's being a jerk. I honestly hope it's because he is really sick. He has to send me paperwork for visitation if I decide we should go see him. I have thought about calling, but I think they'll only talk to an immediate family member, which I am not. I really feel for you because it must be heartbreaking to know this guy really matters to your son and at the same time worry he is going to hurt him or let him down again. I suppose it's natural for your son to be very curious about his father and wanting to build a relationship with him. I don't know if it would help if your son were involved in more things socially, to take his mind off this a little. I'm not saying it would, because it might be an overriding drive, but just a thought. It might take the pressure off a bit if he had other, exciting things to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mea_M Posted September 8, 2013 Share Posted September 8, 2013 Personally, I believe he should know the truth. At 6 though,the magnitude of the situation may be far to much for him to understand. I'd say wait until he's a little older. Does your son every ask about his father? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stayinsilence Posted September 8, 2013 Author Share Posted September 8, 2013 He's back in school, so that gets him out a little. I wanted to get him guitar lessons, but they raised the price so I can't afford it. I feel really bad because it was something he really wanted... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stayinsilence Posted September 19, 2013 Author Share Posted September 19, 2013 No letters, no phone calls, nothing. I called the prison, the woman I spoke to said since I'm not an immediate family member it was none of my business and if I want representation for my son, get a lawyer. I'm going to call again tomorrow. He wrote my ex a letter saying it hurt his feelings when he didn't respond. I didn't mail it. I don't feel like it needs to be sent. My son hasn't been talking about him as much either. He did ask me for a story about him and I told him about when we met. At the end he said "that was a great story, Mommy." The man I'm seeing has been showing him guitar chords. They have the same favorite band so they're having things to talk about. He told my son he met the lead singer and my son was amazed. The singer is my son's hero, it was a sweet moment for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stayinsilence Posted September 27, 2013 Author Share Posted September 27, 2013 Still nothing. But my son told me it was ok, it didn't make him sad anymore... My Ex's 40th birthday is next week so I asked him if he wanted to make him a card. He looked at me and said "no, Mommy. I have more important things to do." I think I'd be the best recipient for the "Dumbest Mom of the Year Award" Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 27, 2013 Share Posted September 27, 2013 Still nothing. But my son told me it was ok, it didn't make him sad anymore... My Ex's 40th birthday is next week so I asked him if he wanted to make him a card. He looked at me and said "no, Mommy. I have more important things to do." I think I'd be the best recipient for the "Dumbest Mom of the Year Award" We all muddle through this parenthood thing as best we can. I think as long as we're trying to do the best thing, we usually do. The good news is that it sounds like your son is processing this in a healthy manner. He has you to thank for that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 My dad loves to watch me get flustered when he turns it on and sings with it to add to the discomfort it causes me. When he first started it it made me cry, but now I just get annoyed. When my son said something about his dad my parents just said "how can you be ok with telling him he's the son of trash" I just said I had no reason to hide it and he wanted to know. Oh I'd make it a deal breaker for seeing their grandson that your parents shut up about his dad. Maybe his dad is trash, but your son doesn't need to see himself as the "son of trash." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stayinsilence Posted October 4, 2013 Author Share Posted October 4, 2013 Finally a letter shows up! Full of excuses of course: they put him in lock up so he was too angry to write because he didn't want to send any letters that weren't nice, then he got sick and was in the hospital and was too sick to write. He said he's sorry and knows it was wrong. I'm calling his bluff, he's wrote me sick before. The prison wants an interview with my son next month in order to classify him as a victim so now I have to decide if I want to drive or fly... I hope my son can handle being there and wonder if I should take him to see his father. His speech is improving, I remind him to slow down and take a breath when he begins to repeat letters or have trouble getting it out. Reminding him that his speech is "bumpy" I've gotten others to do the bumpy speech reminder and it clicks with him well. Link to post Share on other sites
Guy Mann Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 I'm a new member, just joined today after finding out about the forum on another site. I've read this thread from start to end in one sitting and it was really moving. You obviously love your son very much and want what is best for him. I commend you for telling him the truth about his biological dad. In the long run, this could be a very important lesson for your son that bad choices can have horrible consequences. Your ex obviously made a horrible choice and not only did he end up in prison, but two other people lost their lives, one being a man there to protect the innocent, if I read the thread right. I think you did the right thing by letting your son see the letters and by letting him write to his father. It was also (obviously) the best thing to do to tell him in the first place before he learned about from someone who would not have told him such a loving manner. Not to defend your ex too much, but I would give him just a bit of a break on why it took him so long to write another letter.I, for one, can only imagine what goes on in prison. However, someone else said it and I'll repeat it -- keep your son's expectations low. Wade in slowly. With that said, consider very carefully if the time is right to take your son to see his father in prison. Explain to your son your reasoning on why you are doubtful about taking him to see his father so soon. On the other hand, you seem to have made the best decisions so far for the both of you. My next conversation would be with your father. What he is doing with the Johnny Cash song and the "son of trash" comments is entirely unacceptable. Do not be afraid of cutting of contact between him and your son if it comes to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stayinsilence Posted October 18, 2013 Author Share Posted October 18, 2013 My son has been very sick for the past few days... His doctor might put him in the hospital for dehydration... I've been staying up with him all night. In that time I've written my first letter to my ex, in years, five pages long. Saying how hard it all is, how embarrassed I am because he's in prison. All the problems my son has, how the only relationship I have is with someone who's with someone else too! I find myself loving and hating him all the time... He planned for me to get pregnant, and now I'm doing it alone... The man I'm seeing came over with some dinner for me, I hadn't really been making anything for myself. I'm sleeping on the bathroom floor with my son so he's not alone. I just want my boy better... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stayinsilence Posted October 19, 2013 Author Share Posted October 19, 2013 He's in prison because of his actions. He chose to leave his wife and son; therefore, he has no right to expect anything of you. I only read the beginning of this thread, but I was shocked when I found out if he asked if you were seeing anybody. That's not his business at this point. He should consider himself lucky that you even communicate with him after what he did to you. He was my boyfriend, we almost got married after I got pregnant... But then I decided against it after he pushed me one night... We're in the hospital now, my son had to get an IV. He is very weak and very tired. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 I have a six year old son with my ex-boyfriend, who is currently serving a 50 year sentence for armed robbery that resulted in the death of an officer and one of the other four men with him. I was seven months pregnant when the robbery took place. The second I found out about the robbery, through the news, I was done. Should I tell my son about his father? What should I do? Should I read my son his letters? Should I let him write his father? I just want to do what's best for my son... You can always tell your son about his father... but you can never un-tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
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