Still Searching Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 So, I've posted here before, after the first two times she called it off. See my other threads here if you're bored: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/370999-something-different-than-alot-you http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/373589-normal-should-i-have-been-concerned It's been just over 4 months since we got back together. Things were good, overall, or so I thought. She seemed more financially responsible, made time for me, etc. I had some security issues due to her leaving twice, and had been seeing a counselor to address these. There were days we'd squabble, but nothing serious, and we'd address it right away and move on. In previous threads, I mentioned how intimacy was never an issue, and we made love regularly. Just lately, I've felt her pulling away in that area, not initiating like she used to, and my having to ask or initiate constantly (just very one-sided). She seems to have to be entertained a lot, and if we don't have any big plan for a weekend, she gets mopey or indifferent, not enthused or excited about anything, whereas I'm just excited to see her, and don't care what we do. This past weekend was a "down" weekend, with nothing big planned. I brought up the observed change in interest from her, which I thought we handled well, and moved on. This past Monday, I just had a case of the Mondays, and warned her before I got home that I was a little irritable, but it wasn't her. I needed an hour or so to myself, which is hardly possible in a one bedroom apartment. In any case, I got over my crabbiness, we made a nice supper, watched tv, made love, and went to bed, before which she told me she loved me so much. Yesterday I asked what she'd like to do this weekend, and threw several ideas out there, but again, got no interest. I told her how I was feeling, and then suddenly get hit with, "I'm having doubts, I don't think I want to do this anymore." She stays Monday nights with me as she works close by, but the remaining days she stays at her own place, an hour away, as she works in that town (she's a court reporter). Probably due to her leaving twice before, every week when she packs up and leaves Tuesday morning, I have this sick feeling that it'll be the last time she's there. She never leaves anything behind, almost so that if she ever decided it was off, there'd be no reason to have to come back or meet up. I half joked and asked yesterday morning if she was coming back this weekend (probably due to sensing her pulling away and being insecure about it), and she said, "Of course, I always do, don't I?" Yeah, not this time... I guess I'm talking out loud here, just frustrated, obviously disappointed, mad, sad, hurt, and a whole other mix of emotions. I'm probably a fool for giving it a go after the first or second time she left, and no doubt the resulting insecurities caused by her flightiness didn't help things. Thanks for reading, and for any responses.
CarrieT Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I told her how I was feeling, and then suddenly get hit with, "I'm having doubts, I don't think I want to do this anymore." Give it up and go No Contact. In this case, three- four- or five-times will not be the charm. I don't think it will ever work with all this yo-yo'ing.
Author Still Searching Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Haha, I wasn't implying that after this it could work. I guess I was mocking myself, inferring that it shouldn't have taken me this long, letting her go and come back three times, for me to realize it's a relationship that won't last no matter what. She's indecisive, flighty, and can't stick with something even when they get tough. She expects a fairytale, always smiling and laughing, and doing big, exciting things. We go out to eat several times a month to nice places, just took a trip to Vegas (she paid for her ticket, I covered everything else the entire trip), and although I don't expect her to do the same, or spend equally, in return, it felt, like I said, like I had to always entertain or keep her interest.
aloneinaz Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 My ex was the same way. We broke up 5-6 times over 1.4 years. One was me, two were mutual and the last two were her. Most of the time, it was me going back to her to try again. I think when you do that, they lose respect for you and feel like they can get away with more BS since I kept coming back for more. The last couple of months, she was constantly stressed out and overwhelmed w/her job/life and kids. I was the whipping boy for her moods. She was a major TYPE A, controlling, un-happy person. She's snap, get *itchy, quick tempered, less time spent time with me, less sex, etc.. She was just an ass and i can't believe how many times I left her house, drove home and asked myself WTH am I doing with this nasty, angry *itch! Sorry, I rambled. I'll never be involved in a toxic off/on relationship again. She was the second relationship I had like this. They don't work. People don't change. Things are pretty screwed up when someone wants to end a relationship. What's really changed once you get back together? Nothing. This is also her MO. She lives for drama and I ignored the red flag of her having three previous short term relationships after her marriage. I also ignored her sister telling me no one will ever make her happy. Oh well, live and learn.
Author Still Searching Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 @aloneinaz- Thanks for the reply. Like your ex, lately mine was getting stressed out with work, losing patience, losing interest, the works. I agree, too, that by my taking her back after she left twice, she probably had less respect for me. She's used to this though, as I don't think she's ever been on the receiving end of a break-up, and I know for a fact her ex before me is still not over her, and would take her back in a second, even though they've been apart for over a year and a half. She needs a doormat, and her own words to me at one point were, "I'm just used to always getting my way. I'm not used to having someone challenge me." Her parents have referred to her as a princess, and not in a good way, basically referring to said behavior and attitude of always getting what they want. This is also my second on-off relationship, and again, I agree that they're not healthy. I'm not saying they can't work after a second try, but it's tough to get past one party's insecurity and restore the confidence that their partner is there to work at things, not run when it gets tough. After multiple occurrences of her leaving, I have to think it just gets easier each time. Will someone make my ex happy? Maybe, but it won't be me, obviously. I'm not going to be the total doormat who dotes on her 24/7, constantly entertaining her, and letting her have her way. I tried that, as sad as that is to admit, by just trying to "relax" and let things go, like she told me to, but it's not in me to be like that. Ugh...I'm beginning to doubt this whole "love" thing.
aloneinaz Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I wonder if we dated each others SISTER? So scary similar. I don't know why I stayed and then went back for more? I think I was lazy, was sick of being single and dating after a divorce 5 years ago and was optimistic that things would change. Funny story, the last time we got back together again, he ex hadn't seen me and heard we reconciled AGAIN. He was cool and walked by me and said "back for more huh"? I don't know how he lived with her for over 12 years.. I know everyone BLAMES all the issues on the other party but.. my ex was responsible for 85% of our problems. My friends and family were shocked that I kept going back for more after they heard he BS. The last and final time we got back together, we barely lasted two months and we were going to couple therapy. She was actually shocked by me telling the therapist during one of our first visits that I didn't trust her to quit the relationship the next time she got pissed. She was VERY TYPE A, insecure and didn't like to be told she was wrong. Would get PISSED very easily. Hell, she ended it for the final time when I nicely told her I was tiring of the way she talked to me when she was stressed, pissed or annoyed with me. Heaven forbid anyone talk to her with a poor tone or attitude! It still sucks. I remember the woman I fell in love with during the honeymoon phase who wasn't a true representation of her. She let her hair down after 7-8 months and I saw the real her. This is when the wheels came off the bus and the break ups started. She needs to be in heavy therapy to help her. No ones going to put up with her crap unless she gets a wimpy puppy that takes her crap. I didn't, which is why we broke so many times. It's approaching a month now since she ended that toxic relationship. She hasn't heard a pep from me nor will she. I see her on the same dating site as I and feel indifferent now. You can't delete people on this site like Match.
Author Still Searching Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 I wonder, too, why I kept putting myself through it repeatedly. She did this same thing, on/off, with her ex before me. I know I loved her, and that alone was enough at times to make me want to try again. I'm not old by any means, but a guy does get this feeling of a ticking clock. If I take time to recover, that's a few months, maybe even a year or more. Then hope to meet someone, and have that someone be a good fit on the first try isn't likely. Sometimes I feel like I'll never end up with someone in marriage, and if I do, it'll be too late for kids. Silly thoughts, I know, but they exist, all the same. One thing I've observed, looking back, is that I ignored some red flags early on in my past two relationships, and yet felt like if we both gave a little, we'd get a little, if that made sense. Lifestyles or beliefs didn't mesh enough, causing un-needed fights. I'd like to think if a person found a partner with their crap together and a similar outlook on most things, we'd be left to argue over how to load the toilet paper roll, or which end to squeeze the toothpaste from, haha. I'll take my share of the blame, but by no means was I significantly more responsible for the relationship's demise. I went to counseling on my own, hoping to address any issues I had, work on confidence and security (which she ruined by leaving me multiple times), and I feel like she really didn't do anything. I know EXACTLY how you feel, like you're on eggshells, afraid to even express your feelings for fear it'll just piss her off and she'll call it quits. My g/f wasn't insecure though, quite the opposite, actually. You'd compliment her on something, or just tell her she looked good, and you'd get a ,"Da*# right I do." That was almost a turn-off to me, how big-headed she got at times. Just say thank you, that was nice of you to say. Whenever I expressed my feelings, or tried to tell her what I needed from her, she just got annoyed, or said, "I can't ever do anything right." I thought I made things pretty clear, and wasn't asking too much, but apparently that wasn't the case. Our stories are certainly eerily similar. She was nothing but wonderful early on, but like you said, after 7 months is when the breakups started. She quit putting her best face on once she was comfortable. I've been told to watch how a girl interacts with her mother, and that's a good indication of how she'll interact with you. From day one, her and her mother have butted heads, and she was snippy and disrespectful towards her mom. Said it has always been that way. Like you, I didn't just roll over and let her walk all over me, and she couldn't handle that. It was only yesterday that she ended it, this is day one NC, but she won't be hearing a peep from me either. It's nice to hear that someone else has experienced the same things and can relate. Thanks for sharing your story.
Hoaks Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 This sounds just like my on again of again soon to be ex. Constantly walking on egg shells around her. Not only me, my family too, if she ever was going to see my family with me I had to pre warn them on what they could and couldnt say around her. Could never tell her how I was feeling, and this latest episode from her is because of that. I want to have a talk about us and she runs. Have not heard from her in over a week. She also got bored very easily, couldnt just have a night in at either of our houses to watch some movies or something. Always had to take her out and me spend money. (She did lose her job so I didnt mind for a few weeks). love her but she is toxic, wants a week off then to talk, but the reality is my mum and dad could never look at her in the eyes again. Could never disagree with her either about anything with fear of her fighting and running away. Sometimes they just dont realise how good they have it. One day she will do all this to the wrong guy.
Author Still Searching Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Day 2 of NC begins. I'm doing ok, but maybe the reality of it all hasn't set in yet, or because we've gotten back together twice before, a part of me still expects to hear from her. Would that matter? I know it shouldn't, because I know if we got back together, she'd respect me even less, and I'd have even more insecurity. I didn't feel like I was constantly on egg shells, just in certain situations. She was fine with nights staying in, just watching movies, but after a while she needed something "bigger" to keep her satisfied. Either a fancy dinner, or a trip somewhere, something. I don't know how a person can keep running and coming back. I could never look her parents in the eye or expect them to like me if I did this. My mom has said the same, that it's tough to like a person who does this continually to their child. Thanks to anyone who reads and replies. Just nice to be able to vent to people who've experienced similar situations.
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